How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (46 page)
“Each one is tempted when, by his own evil
desire, he is dragged away and enticed”
(J
AMES
1:14).
•
Addiction
is a recurring stimulus in the brain. When a person experiences significant stimulation with highly sexualized images, the hormone epinephrine (or adrenaline) is secreted into the bloodstream by the adrenal gland. Epinephrine stamps emotional memories into the brain. These memories continue to resurface as flashbacks—regardless of the struggler’s desire to forget. In addition, powerful, pleasure-producing chemicals are released during the sex act that are highly addictive (the same chemicals that are released during cocaine use!).
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be
mocked. A man reaps what he sows”
(G
ALATIANS
6:7).
•
Compulsive masturbation
is a response of sexual self-comfort to relieve the arousal. This act becomes part of a sexual ritual. This compulsion keeps the struggler feeling enslaved to masturbation.
“Jesus replied, ‘I tell you the truth
,
everyone who sins is a slave to sin’”
(J
OHN
8:34).
•
Escalation
is the need for more explicit or shocking sexuality in order to be sexually stimulated.
“Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves
over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of
impurity, with a continual lust for more”
(E
PHESIANS
4:19).
•
Desensitization
is when the shocking sexuality no longer produces the same stimulation; therefore, the level required for stimulation escalates higher and higher.
“Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct? No, they have
no shame at all; they do not even know how to blush”
(J
EREMIAH
6:15).
•
Acting out
is a compulsion to do (to enact) what has been seen and imagined. The acting out feels necessary because the visual experience is no longer satisfying in itself.
“The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual
immorality, impurity and debauchery”
(G
ALATIANS
5:19).
•
Despair
is the feeling of disgust that comes in response to the sexual behavior, and the struggler feels a sense of utter hopelessness with regard to any possibility of change.
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want
to do I do not do, but what I hate I do”
(R
OMANS
7:15).
Many people assume certain addictions can never be overcome. However, any struggler can be rescued from any addiction. The Bible says,
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to
man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted
beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will
also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it”
(1 C
ORINTHIANS
10:13).
For women, sexual addiction tends to be more relational in nature than for men. Marnie’s sexual addiction was manifested in numerous affairs during both of her marriages. She was always searching for that “perfect” connection. Under the umbrella of sexual addiction, women typically have been romance or fantasy addicts, consumed with a real or imagined Prince Charming with whom they can have an ideal relationship.
Technology has many women on a slippery slope when it comes to sexual addiction, and many female sex addicts now find themselves at a further stage: engaging in cybersex to connect with their Prince Charming. Almost 80 percent of women who participate in sexually oriented chat rooms eventually meet their online partners there.
17
According to Marnie, there often is a double standard associated with sexual addiction. When a man is a sex addict, people will excuse him with a “men will be men” mentality, whereas when a woman is a sex addict, crass and hurtful labels are ascribed to her. The resulting shame for a woman can be enormous, Marnie observed. The Psalms describe this kind of painful shame, of reproach, of derision and disgrace:
“My disgrace is before me all day long
,
and my face is covered with shame”
(P
SALM
44:15).
Stages of Sexual Addiction18
Do not be deceived. Activities thought harmless by the world’s standards can be deadly to the body, soul, and spirit. The Bible says, “Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a ‘fool’ so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight” (1 Corinthians 3:18-19).
The last stop in the cycle of sexual addiction is the same for each and every addict:
self-condemnation
. Those who were once held captive by the power of sexual addiction but who were later set free can identify these three distinct components of their journey: The Setup, The Sequence, and The Solution.
The Setup
No one lives with more shame, isolation, and fear of alienation than the sex addict. Addicts believe that they can’t help the way they are. Each time they surrender to sexual temptation, sin’s tenacious grip gets a stronger hold on their hearts. Sex addicts believe that the only solution to getting their love needs met is through sexual stimulation. Their minds and bodies are held captive to sexual passion.
“What I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil
I do not want to do
—
this I keep on doing”
(R
OMANS
7:19).
•
Worthless Feelings
– “I can’t control my sexual urges.”
– “I feel like a failure.”
– “I’m not a good person.”
•
Withdrawal
– “I can’t trust people.”
– “If they knew what I’ve done, they would be disgusted.”
– “If they knew the real me, they would reject me.”
•
Warped Assumptions
– “Sex is my greatest need in life.”
– “Sex is the solution to my need for love.”
– “Sex is the solace for all my pain.”
•
Wrong Actions
– Purchasing explicit pornographic material
– Pursuing sexual relationships outside of marriage
– Practicing illicit sex with multiple partners
“All a man’s ways seem right to him
,
but the L
ORD
weighs the heart”
(P
ROVERBS
21:2).
The Sequence
“After desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;
and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death”
(J
AMES
1:15).
1. S
EXUAL
F
IXATION
19
The struggler enters into an erotic, trancelike state in which obsessing on sex becomes a sedative for emotional pain.
2. S
EXUAL
C
OMPULSION
The struggler engages in compulsive, ritualistic routines that heighten the excitement and intensify sexual arousal (cruising, pornography, stalking).
3. S
EXUAL
G
RATIFICATION
The struggler—feeling a sense of sexual intoxication with a total loss of self-control—now commits the actual sex act.
4. S
ELF
-C
ONDEMNATION
The struggler soon feels engulfed by shame, condemnation, and hopelessness. To find relief from painful self-condemnation and self-contempt, the addict escapes into another fixation on sex, and the sexual cycle perpetuates itself—it starts all over again. The Bible warns of the destruction that is sowed from these kinds of seeds:
“The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that
nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please
the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life”
(G
ALATIANS
6:8).
The Solution
The last thing sexual strugglers need is rejection, although rejection is usually the first thing that occurs when they are found out. Strugglers who live their lives emotionally isolated because of their fear of discovery need…
•
Emotional connection
with caring people who will offer
unconditional love and emotional support
no matter what
•
Heart-to-heart sharing with
people who are safe enough that a struggler can
tell them anything
without fear of rejection
•
Friend-to-friend commitment
with people who can be counted on in both happy and hard times and who will commit to
lifelong relationships
•
Spiritual relationships
with people who are mature in the Lord, have an active prayer life, and are willing to
provide spiritual guidance and support
Because sexual addiction is an obsessive relationship with erotic passion itself, healing comes through secure relationships with loving people. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder; therefore, strugglers desperately need healthy intimacy. A safe place for addicts to begin opening up and moving out of their secret addictions is an accountability group of fellow strugglers or friends—ultimately, people who can “hate the sin, but truly love the sinner.” The Bible tells us,
“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”
(P
ROVERBS
18:24).
If you pull back the curtain on female sexual addiction, you will find that it has different faces and plays different roles. This often makes this addiction difficult to identify, and easy to deny. Sexual addiction can range from mild to severe, involve one person or many, be enjoyed or just endured, provide a hideout or an escape. Sexual addiction is about connection, closeness, or comfort by “medicating” emotional pain. But
it is never about sex
!
Sex is merely the means to an end but is never the end. Sex is what is
given
in an attempt to
get
what is lacking. And because sex is not the ultimate end, this addiction often remains unidentified and untreated. After all, how can a person be addicted to sex when it is merely a means of transportation to a desired destination?
For Marnie Ferree—who was totally unaware that she was wrestling with abuse and abandonment issues—the many sexual affairs she pursued were supposed to give her the affirmation and sense of significance she so desperately longed for. But instead of building her up, her sexual addiction tore her down. Instead of feeling significant, Marnie ultimately felt totally insignificant—and eventually, even suicidal. Sex is just as addictive as any drug a person might use in an attempt to escape pain. It produces just as much of a high. In truth, for the sex addict, the “means” becomes the mean master, the terrible tyrant, the diabolical destroyer. Yet most do not have a clue about their real struggle.
“The waywardness of the simple will kill them
,
and the complacency of fools will destroy them”
(P
ROVERBS
1:32).
F
ORMS OF
F
EMALE
S
EXUAL
A
DDICTION
•
The Adulteress
– Has a “relationship” or “love” addiction
– Has established a precedence of promiscuity
– Has engaged in numerous affairs
– Has multiple sequential or simultaneous relationships
•
The Anorexic
– Is no longer sexually acting out and is disinterested in sex with her husband to the point that she makes him sex-starved as well
– Is desirous of engaging in numerous sexual encounters, but never with her spouse
– Is not interested in acting out sexually with anyone, but instead obsesses over imaginary sex partners or fantasy relationships
– Is no longer acting out sexually or having imaginary sex, but has transferred her addiction to religion and is becoming more and more rigid
•
The Co-addict
– Has an insatiable desire for increased sexual stimulation with other sex addicts
– Has a continual string of enmeshed relationships with other addicts while denying her own obsession with sex
– Has explosive relationships with sex partners who actively participate in compulsive, pornographic sex with her
– Has a continual sexual preoccupation with how her sexually addicted husband acts out with her
•
The Controller
– Seeks power by using her body sexually to exercise influence over men
– Seeks power by attracting affluent men and then attaching herself to them
– Seeks power by having men “grovel at her feet” or “eat from her hand”
– Seeks power over all sex partners through her relationship, romance, or fantasy addictions
•
The Cyclist
– Has only certain periods of time when she is compulsively acting out
– Has some long periods of time when she doesn’t engage in sexually addictive behavior at all
– Has sex sprees called “acting out,” during which she binges on sexual activity similar to the binge alcoholic or binge eater
– Has starvation sprees called “acting in,” during which she denies herself any sexual activity and may even convince herself she is “cured,” until the cycle begins again
•
The Dreamer
– Fabricates romantic relationships in her mind and avoids acting out sexually
– Fabricates the belief that a man who exhibits common courtesy toward her has never-ending love for her
– Fabricates having a fantasy family with a passing stranger, a new acquaintance, or a neighbor