Hold Me Close (Devil's Chariots Motorcycle Club Book 1) (2 page)

Even her clothes looked like shit. She’d obviously not changed out of them, but they were only halfway covering her thin body. If the circumstances had been any different he might have thought her to be homeless, alcoholic, or a combination of both. And yet she also looked sexy as hell. With all inhibitions lost, she was just there. And for once she didn't seem uptight.

He felt bad for bothering her. Especially as he saw the expression in her empty eyes. Sadness. Irritation. Confusion. He should have waited. Let her sleep. Came at a normal time. “I didn't realize you were sleeping,” he sighed.

***

“I don’t know if I’d call it sleeping.” Bethany stood to the side and waited on the man to step inside.  Of course it'd be the one fucking person she couldn't make go away. Although, looking at him, she realized she didn't really want to.

His eyes spoke volumes as he looked at her. Shit would be an improvement in her appearance, obviously. Just what she needed to see flash through the eyes of a virtual stranger. She wondered what he was doing there, and especially at what seemed to be such an ungodly hour of the day. He didn't look a lot better than she did, yet she still felt guilty about her own appearance.

Any guilt  was gone the moment he stepped beside her and into her house. His clothes reeked of cheap cigars and cheaper perfume. His breath of whiskey. He hadn’t shaven and had obviously drank as much or more than she did the night before.

How the fuck did he look so put together? She wished she could drink like that and still appear somewhat normal. Instead she looked resurrected from a deep and dark grave somewhere.

***

“I had hoped, if I waited until noon, I wouldn’t be bothering you.” Johnny spoke softly and watched her eyes widen at his words.

“Noon? It’s already noon?” Bethany couldn’t believe that. How long had she been asleep?

“Actually closer to one at this point,” Johnny was trying to answer without getting her even more upset. It didn’t work. She was easily infuriated, it seemed.

Bethany shook her head, walked over to the sofa, and moved the things she’d obviously thrown there the night before and sat down. Her hands came up and her head went down and he could see her body moving with the sobs.

She seemed so tiny sitting there on the sofa. So helpless. He didn't like that feeling.

Johnny wanted to help, but he was at a loss. Women weren’t his thing. Not crying ones, anyway. He had always been the one to
make
them cry. But he couldn’t stand seeing Bethany hurt like she was. He owed it to Dan to stop it. But how?

“I’m sorry,” he said, but he wasn’t even totally sure what he was sorry for. He didn't create whatever was bothering her.

“For what?” She looked up at him and finally he saw some feeling in her pale blue eyes.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “Showing up. Waking you up. That it’s so late. That I'm here. That I'm not Dan. That Dan isn’t here to comfort you. All of it.”

Johnny didn’t know what to say or do for her. Her husband, his best friend, had died. Not just died, but been murdered. In a world she didn’t even want him to be in. And she was here and alone and hurting. All he could do was be there for her. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough.

“None of that is your fault.” She smiled a weak smile. “Except the showing up and waking me up.”

They both let out a small chuckle and sat there silent for a minute. It took some time, but eventually Bethany thanked him for his words at the funeral and Johnny managed to ask if there was anything she needed. They both knew her answer of “nothing” wasn’t true. She needed Dan. Hell,
he
needed Dan. But for the moment he was here to help her. Maybe that would be what it took to get him through the loss of the only person he’d ever really loved and cared for.

The look on her face said she was feeling exactly the same thing. Dan decided in that moment that they would be good for each other. They could share their pain and help each other heal.

CHAPTER THREE

The pizza was in the oven and Bethany was waiting patiently for it to be finished. Johnny and a couple of the guys from the gang were in the living room. They didn't like when she used that term: “gang.” They preferred “club.” It was a motorcycle club. That's what Dan had always said. Not a gang. A club. But Dan wasn't there. So she had her own terminology and that was just that.

Even with her disdain for the concept of the so-called club, she still respected all that they'd done for her. She had offered to make dinner for them after their long day of hard work.

It had been a difficult day for all of them. She'd already packed up Dan's belongings. She didn't want to. Part of her wanted to keep them out and a part of her life forever. But the other part cried when she saw them. Became hysterical when she smelled his cologne. That part of her had to get the stuff out.

That was what the guys were there for. They'd carried it away. To a place where she could go to it when she was ready to, but not somewhere that she had constant access to it. She didn't want to find herself sitting and sifting through memories that made her sad.

She smiled as she checked the pizza again. Johnny had teased her about making sure it was edible. She couldn't help but laugh at the fact that he already knew so much about her. Dan had shared everything, it seemed. A small blush covered her face as she thought to herself that she hoped there were some things her husband had not shared with his best friend.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked herself as she closed the door and waited impatiently for dinner to be completed.

***

“He was a lucky man.” The sound of the words coming from Aaron's mouth made Johnny flinch a little. He wasn't thrilled with his reaction. It was only a compliment about what a good person Bethany was.

Not like he didn't know that. She was a rare kind of woman. Like that day when she'd hung out while they moved all the stuff. Not once did she get offended or embarrassed at the way they talked. She'd managed to hold her own.

But he felt protective of her. And guilty at the same time. Because Aaron hadn't meant it the way Johnny would have. He'd been respectful. Of not only Beth, but the ethics of the brothers. Their social structure and rules. Johnny wasn't doing that. He was thinking in ways that would put his ass in hot water with the brothers.

She was the total opposite of the girl he'd seen the night before. Soft and tender as she cried over the loss of a man she adored. A woman that'd needed his strength to help her get through.

But he still felt a twinge of something when Aaron commented on it. Something he didn't much like feeling. Something he knew could create trouble for the both of them.

“That he was,” Chris agreed. “What do you think, Johnny?” He winked at his friend.

Why did they have to do that? Put him on the spot like that? Sometimes he felt like they were all hoping that he'd get involved with her. It was wishful thinking. Most likely, they were testing him.

He wanted to agree with the brothers. To speak of how lucky Dan had been. Probably luckier than he'd ever realized. As he looked at Beth he could see her desire to hear his response. She was waiting. Hoping that he'd say something nice.

He couldn't. They were testing him. Trying to see how he'd react. The brothers were close. They knew each other better than family. There wasn't much they couldn't see. Including his fondness for Dan's old lady. If he agreed and it showed that there was a mutual attraction, Johnny would face the wrath of them.

“It was mutual luck in my book,” Johnny said. “Dan was the best brother out there,” he finished with the approval of the club.

“That he was. Remember last year when you were in a bad place, Johnny?” Aaron started. “Dan took a large fucking risk to save your ass.” The last statement came across as a reminder of the bond they'd had. The bond they all had.

“He did.” Johnny nodded. “I owe him my life. I'd do anything for him. Even now.” He tried to ignore the look on Bethany's face. Her expression had dropped slightly. She was disappointed he didn't tout her wondrous person.

“We all would,” Chris agreed. “Beth,” he said as he turned towards her. “Just because we lost a brother doesn't mean you aren't still protected by the club. If anyone—” His gaze turned towards Johnny slightly. Just enough for the message to be conveyed. “Tries to destroy or disrespect you or the memory of our brother, he will face the wrath of all of us.” His arm spread wide to showcase the rest of the brothers that were sitting throughout her living room.

“Absolutely,” the guys agreed and eyes turned towards Johnny as he nodded in agreement.

He wanted to reassure her. To tell her later that he thought Dan was amazingly lucky. That he was growing fonder of her every day. To make her smile and know that she had nothing to worry about. But that would be wrong. And bad timing. And, well, just wrong.

Right?

***

The pizza was done, but it didn't brighten her spirits. She'd listened to their conversation. Probably something she shouldn't have done.

The guys thought she was amazing. Which made her feel good. But she didn't. He hadn't responded. Well, he did. But about Dan.  She'd stood there silently and waited to see what he had to say. Nothing. He'd said nothing. At least, nothing about her. She wasn't his reason for being here. Dan was.

And that made her sad. Johnny had been Dan's best friend. And through the past few weeks as he'd been around, he'd become her best friend by proxy. She wanted him to like her. She wanted him to think she was amazing.

But he didn't say a word. And the disappointment that filled her also left her feeling guilty. It wasn't right. None of it was.

She pulled herself together and smiled as she walked through the doorway.

“Come and get it!” The cheer in her voice was as fake as the smile. “It's even edible,” she teased, so that things would lighten up with Johnny. But he didn't notice. He just stood and walked into the kitchen without even shooting a glance her way.

And Bethany slid down onto the sofa and tried to keep from letting the tears fall from her eyes.

***

“I'm impressed,” he tried, hoping to poke fun at her. But it seemed to be a failed effort. Johnny had noticed the sadness in her eyes from the time she'd come out of the kitchen.

Sure, she smiled for the guys. But he could see it. Something was wrong bothering her and he'd lay odds it was the finality of having Dan's stuff moved.

Johnny knew he shouldn't have had her there while it all happened. She needed to be somewhere else. Not watching as they carried what was left of her husband to another place.

“It wasn't too bad,” she managed to get out. She was trying hard not to cry and he wanted to tell her it was okay if she needed to. But he knew better. She'd never cry in front of them.

“We should probably all get out of your hair and let you relax for the night,” Johnny offered. He hoped that if he took the guys out, she could let herself feel.

It'd been hard on him. Seeing the stuff they carried out. Knowing that it was final. Dan wasn't coming back. He'd damn near wanted to cry himself. All that kept him going was trying to be strong for Bethany. She needed it. She needed someone to help keep her together.

But he'd failed, obviously. So he was going to make sure she at least had the night to allow herself to feel what she was feeling.

“Okay,” she murmured. If he hadn't known better he'd have thought she was disappointed by the idea of them leaving. It couldn't be, though. He knew that she hated trying to pretend she was okay all of the time.

The guys all stood and gave her a hug. She thanked them for all of their help and walked towards the door with them. When her arms wrapped around his neck, Johnny felt something that he didn't much like to feel.