Hold Me Close (Devil's Chariots Motorcycle Club Book 1) (12 page)

***

She wanted him more and more by the minute. But she wanted more than this. As much as she loved the feel of him, she wanted more. As his hands moved up her stomach and to her breasts she sighed. “Oh baby,” she whimpered when his fingers found her nipples.

Every inch of her body was on fire. She could feel the orgasm building, but it was slow. He was enjoying the moment, as evidenced by his closed eyes and perpetual grin.

“Oh honey.” He smiled at her. Whatever she'd done he had liked a lot.

***

There was nothing spectacular about that morning sex. They'd desired each other and they'd fulfilled that desire. But it was very typical. Yet he felt more satisfied than he had with elaborate sessions that lasted hours.

It was her. She was the one. But the idea scared the ever loving fuck out of him. Feeling this way about her wasn't a good idea. Nothing that had happened between them was a good idea. He'd have to make her his old lady. But was that even possible? She was Dan's old lady. And in the eyes of the club she still was, even if Dan wasn't there anymore. He couldn't be with her, make her his old lady, without telling the club. So what would that mean? What would he live with? What would she live with? If he told her how he felt, it'd create an avalanche of problems that he wasn't sure how to handle.

He knew that if he didn't tell her then he'd regret it the rest of his life. He'd never meet another woman that he wanted like that. He needed to tell her.

“Can we talk?” he asked as she began to get dressed.

***

Here it came. She knew it. He was going to tell her he regretted it. He was going to say that shouldn't have happened. This was the moment when the man said “it's not you, it's me.”

She didn't want that to happen. She couldn't bear to hear it. To feel the heartbreak that would come with it. She didn't want to feel this way. To hurt this way. Why now? Couldn't she bask in the afterglow just a little longer?

“Sure,” she answered without confidence. “But follow me downstairs because I'm famished.”

“Food sounds great,” he agreed.

***

He was impressed. She'd made omelettes and they were delicious. He wished he could think straight to tell her that. But all he could think of was how much he loved her. He wanted to give up the gang and be with her.

The idea terrified him. Made him nervous. Made him wish that he had more courage than he did.

“I think I know what you are going to say.” She turned to him. “And I agree.”

***

She couldn't. There was nothing in her that could be rejected by him. Not now. Not after the night before. So she'd do the rejecting. She'd say it first. Then it wouldn't hurt so much.

“Last night we were drunk. It happened. It was nice. But it was a mistake.” She spoke softly. “It shouldn't have happened and it can never happen again.” And she turned to the sink.

Okay, so it had hurt just as much, she thought as a tear fell from her eye.

***

The words knocked the wind out of him. He'd not been certain she loved him, but he'd been pretty fucking confident that she'd really wanted him. Hell, they'd fucked this morning. And she was telling him they were drunk and fucked up?

He sat there trying to catch his breath and thanking his lucky stars she had spoken first. He couldn't imagine how awful it'd have been to say he loved her and wanted to stay with her and she was thinking it was a mistake.

He still couldn't speak. There was just nothing to say.

***~

“It's not like I regret it,” she continued. “I mean I just don't think we should be having sex.” She began to wash the dishes in front of her.

Why wasn't he talking? Was he pissed? Did he want to be the one to spill the beans? She needed to hear him say something.

He didn't. He just sat in silence and she wondered how she'd ever be able to turn around if he didn't make this okay.

***

She was rambling. She needed him to speak. He tried to find the words. She wanted comfort. Acceptance. But he had nothing.

His heart was broken. He couldn't feel anything. Everything inside him was numb.

For a brief moment he felt the way most of the girls he dated must have felt. Used. Worthless. Abandoned.

He'd really thought that she loved him too.

***

Bethany continued to talk. Randomly about subjects that didn't matter. Johnny still wasn't speaking and she wasn't sure why.

“Can you talk?” she finally asked with anger in her voice.

He looked at her, but he didn't move his lips. It was as if he had no desire to waste his time.

***

“Yes,” he finally said just when it looked as though she'd given up.

Beth deserved better. He couldn't help it. He was still hurt and in shock. He didn't want to cry, so he'd just had to deal.

“Good,” she joked. “I was worried.”

He knew it wasn't true. Anxious maybe. Worried no.

“I'm sorry,” he offered.

“It's okay,” she replied. “So what did you want to talk about?”

***

She threw it out there. Put him on the spot. Now he wouldn't have much he could say. She had taken that away from him.

He was hesitating. Probably trying to decide what to say to her. He couldn’t keep the plan because she'd already said it. It amazed her that he had so much of an ego.

“I'm leaving.” His words came out and she couldn't breathe. “I'm going back to work. I'm taking a club job and going back to life.”

Everything inside her was still. Had he really just said that? This went beyond “it was a mistake.” This was “I'm leaving town.” No more movies. No more pizza. No more inside jokes and company.

She didn't even know what to say.

“When?” The question was whispered. Fuck.

“Tomorrow.” And with that he stood up and began to walk out of the kitchen. “It's time.”

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

They stood in the driveway. Bethany was trying everything she could to keep the tears at bay. She'd never told him not to go. She'd never said what she was feeling.

He didn't want her. It was that clear. He'd fucked her and he was leaving. It broke her heart. She didn't want to deal with it.

“You going to be okay?” Johnny asked her.

God he hated seeing her face like that. She was hurt. But so was he. He was broken.

How could she not want to be with him? What the fuck had she been doing?

Bethany watched him bite his lip and try to figure out something. What she'd give to be able to bite his lip.

“Yes,” she agreed, and nodded.

“Okay.” He smiled.

He wasn't ready for this. Once he drove away, it was done. The only woman that had ever been able to sneak into his heart would be gone. She'd be long gone. Or he would. It didn't fucking matter. What mattered was that it'd be done.

“I'm a big girl,” she said sarcastically. It was so hard to fake her feelings. “Besides, someone will help me, I'm sure.”

Bethany was trying so hard. She had to be strong. She had to show no real emotion. But how? He was leaving her. He'd broken her heart. And in that moment it felt worse than when Dan had died. Which gave her enormous guilt.

“I'm sure they would.” he replied. Her words had stung.

He didn't want another man helping her. He didn't want another man wanting her. Or touching her. He couldn't bear the thought of her being with anyone else.

Was this how Dan would feel if he were around? The guilt overpowered him.

Both of them stood in the driveway for what seemed like eternity. Each of them tried not to look at the other. The hardest part for either of them was to not show the emotions that were deep inside.

“Thanks,” she said, breaking the silence.

Johnny looked at her. A “thank you” was not what he wanted to hear. Everything in him longed to hear her say that she loved him. That she felt the way he felt. He needed to know she felt broken at the idea of him not being there.

“No problem.” He faked a smile.

She wasn't sure what else to say. He stood staring at the ground and refusing to look at her. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe it was that he didn't care at all. Either way, it was done. He was leaving. She was staying. They'd slept together and that was it.

“I guess I should get going. Long drive ahead of me.” He seemed anxious.

Looking at her was making things hard. He needed to get on the bike and leave. Forget her. Stop wishing for something that wasn't going to happen. She'd been drunk. She'd wanted sex. It was as simple as that.

“I bet. Try and be safe,” she pressed. The worry clouded her eyes.

For a brief moment, he thought he saw feeling. Love. Fear. But it passed and she never said anything else.

“Take care, Beth,” he spoke softly.

She watched as he walked towards his bike and climbed on. He placed the helmet on his head and started the engine. Her heart was shattering inside of her. Everything in her wanted to collapse.

She was trembling. He could see it. Why? He wanted to climb off of the bike and make sure she was okay. He wanted to hold her. To take care of her for the rest of her life. But she wasn't his. Bethany had never been his.

He seemed to be hesitating. She noticed that. Was he thinking? Maybe he would change his mind. That was her hope.

Instead he revved the motor and began the process of backing up. With each turn of the wheel her heart broke again. He was really leaving.

Johnny wondered if it was all pride. Would she change her mind if he said something? Should he have told her that he loved her?

As his bike moved backwards he could feel his soul collapse. He didn't know much but he knew that he'd never find another woman that made him feel like this.

“Johnny!” she screamed above the roar of the bike.

He heard her call him and stopped. She looked almost afraid. There was something she was going to say. He pulled the bike back in her direction. His heart raced with the possibilities.

She watched him come toward her and she panicked. She'd stopped him. Now she had to find the courage to say it.

“Is everything okay, Beth?” He was right in front of her again.

She took a deep breath. She knew she could do this. She could say the things that she needed to say. She could stop this.

He watched her hesitate and then find what appeared on her face to be resolve. She stepped up towards his bike and it felt like he couldn't breathe. This was the moment of truth.

Bethany walked directly to him. She was finding the courage she'd never really had. Everything inside of her was shaking, but she tried to stay strong.

Johnny slipped his helmet off. He was ready to hear her.

“Yes, everything is fine,” she said. “But I have something to say.”