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I turn around and there she is, in a knee length dress that’s very un-Blake like. She’s talking to an older couple, and standing next to her, with her hand hooked through his elbow is a guy, about her age. He smiles at her like she’s his whole world, and I know how he feels because she used to be mine.

I watch her laugh and smile. I watch as she charms everyone around her, making them eat from of the palm of her hand. I smile because she’s changed. She left London, enrolled in the University—she made something of herself. So why doesn’t she look happy? I told myself that if I came here and she looked happy, I would leave her alone, but I know her, and there’s something not quite right.

I watch and wait until she moves away from her date and exits the ballroom. I follow her as she walks down the hallway and slips into one of the bathrooms. I pause outside the door and steel myself, taking a steadying breath. I’ve never been nervous in my life, but right now, I’m terrified. I push through the door and lock it behind me.

She glances at her reflection in the mirror and freezes, her face washing white as her eyes lock with mine. She swallows heavily and drops her head forward, bracing her hands on the edge of the sink. “Fucking hell.” She whispers.

“Duchess.”

There’s a long beat of silence before she speaks. “What do you want?”

“You.” Shit, I wasn’t supposed to say that, but it’s true.

She huffs a small laugh and slowly lifts her head, turning to face me. When I used to look in Blake’s eyes, I saw this fire in her that ensnared me. Now, it’s dimmed. She looks worn, tired.

“I’m proud of you, Blake, being here, getting your degree.”

“Well, that’s great. My life is fucking made because Rhett Torres is proud of me. Rhett Torres, whose picture I’m pretty sure is in the dictionary next to fucking bell end.” She says, glaring at me in the mirror.

I smile. “I get it. You hate me, but I had my reasons for what I did...” They were going to kill my brother. But I can’t tell her that. No matter how good a reason that is for leaving her, I don’t want her touched by the shit that has stained mine and Lucas’ lives.

“That’s nice. I don’t care.”

“I love you.” I blurt because I feel like I’ve been waiting to say that to her for four months, thinking it every day and wishing like fuck that she knew it.

She frowns and clenches her fists. “My father told me everything. Go back to your life, Rhett.” She slowly turns to face to me, those cold eyes meeting mine. “Love is a bullshit fairy tale, you taught me that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m over it. You did me a favour.”

I always knew I would come after Blake eventually. I knew she wouldn’t exactly welcome me with open arms. I pictured a thousand different ways that this might go, but her acceptance, her indifference was not one of them. I would rather she hate me than this because it means she’s moved on. She forgot me when I never forgot her, not for a single minute.

I step closer to her and she presses herself firmly against the edge of the sink. I brush my knuckles down her cheek and she stiffens, slamming her eyes shut again. “Did I? Because like it or not, what we have is real, Blake.”

“Had.” She spits. “You want the fairy tale, here it is. Once upon a time, a girl fell in love with a man, but the man used the girl and fucked her in the arse.” The ice in her eyes shifts just a little, and I see the sadness in them. “So the girl ran away. Apparently five months isn’t long enough, and now here you are, sticking the knife in all over again, reminding me of how little I meant to you.” Her voice breaks slightly. 

I wrap my hand around her nape, and press my lips to her hair, inhaling the scent of her shampoo. “You mean the world, you always have.” I place my lips on her forehead and her breath hitches as one hand lightly rests against my chest. When I step away from her, she refuses to look at me.

She pulls away and pushes past me, shoving the bathroom door open.

“I’m glad you got your brother back. I was good for that much, at least.” She throws over her shoulder before she’s gone.

“Blake!” I call after her, but she’s already gone.

I slam the bathroom door closed behind me and stagger out into the hall.
Months.
I have spent months feeling nothing, being nothing, then he just walks back in and it’s like a tap has been turned on. All these…feelings. Everything, the butterflies in my stomach, the love that feels more like raging obsession, the mind numbing pain, the betrayal. They all swirl like a storm, ravaging everything in its path.

I break into a jog, my heels clicking off the marble floor as I head for the exit. People stare at me as I move past them, but I ignore them. I can’t breathe. I need air. I need to get outside. I burst through the French doors that lead to a small courtyard in the centre of the building and drag in lungfuls of cold air as I lean back against the cool stone wall. A small water fountain sits in the centre of the courtyard, the water trickling gently. Goosebumps prickle my skin and my breath fogs in front of my face, but the cold clears my mind of the infection that is Rhett Torres.

The door clicks open and I slam my eyes shut, bracing myself for round two with him. I’m not sure I can hold this front for a second time.

“Blake.” I open my eyes to find Nathaniel standing in front of me. I release the breath I didn’t even realise I was holding and smile in relief—a genuine smile. Funny that even is my despair, one way or the other Rhett can elicit the first unforced reactions I’ve had in months, even if it is in relief.

Nathaniel is nothing like Rhett. Perhaps that’s why I agreed to go on a date with him when he asked. I’ve been seeing him for a few weeks and he’s a nice guy, good, respectful, decent. If I had met him before all of this ever started, I think I could have loved him. If I had met him before Rhett, then maybe we could have had a future, but after everything, after Rhett…how can anyone compare to him? No one ever will. And now, as I stare at Nathaniel all I can do is compare
everything
about the two of them.

Nathaniel is half Italian. Dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, in his own right he’s beautiful, but lacking the savage beauty that Rhett wears so effortlessly. I’m attracted to him, but not with the wild passion that makes me want to tear the clothes from Rhett’s body. He lacks the edge of danger that I can’t help but be drawn to. But that was the old Blake. Rhett had the love of a different girl…or maybe just a girl I keep locked up. Fuck Rhett for coming back! Fuck him for making me even think about these things.

“Blake.” I lift my gaze to meet his and reach out, grabbing a handful of his shirt and pulling him towards me. I slam my lips against his, tracing my tongue along the seam of his mouth. His hands span my waist, but I don’t want them on my waist. I want them in my hair, gripping my jaw, claiming, owning, demanding. I tear my lips from him and clench my fists, slamming my eyes shut.

“I…I need to go home.” He opens his mouth to say something but I push past him. Just as I needed to get away from Rhett because he reminds me of everything I once wanted so badly, Nathaniel reminds me of everything that isn’t Rhett. It’s a cruel irony really.

“Are you okay?”

I plaster a fake smile on my face. “Yeah, I just have a headache. I’ll call you later.” I kiss his cheek and turn away from him before he can say anything else.

I was fine. I was fine, and now, I’m freefalling all over again.
 

I go back to my dorm and curl up on my bed with Peppy. He nuzzles my face and gets under the duvet with me, patiently tolerating my meltdown. In the privacy of my room, I allow myself to feel for the first time in a very long time.

I scrape back the hardened surface and there it is, lingering closer than I would like, everything I feel for Rhett. And it hurts so fucking much. My eyes prickle with tears and my chest aches. I bury my face in the pillow as the tears slip free, betraying me even to myself. I like to pretend that I’m over him, that I don’t love him, but the truth is I’ll never be over him. He was my first love, the guy that I fell for so hard and fast that I agreed to marry him after six weeks. Who does that? I was naïve and foolish, and that was the only reason he was able to use me the way he did. So why can’t I switch these feeling off, see them for what they are? A lie.

When I left London, I left behind everything that was the old me, everything that reminded me of him. I literally took a suitcase and Peppy. Larry lives with Milly, and Jackie is still free range in the flat. She feeds him for me. I haven’t spoken to Felix since I came here, and I feel bad, but he just reminds me too much of Rhett. Milly and I speak every week, and honestly, she’s all I have now. She’s the only person who really knows me, and she’s the only person I can turn to, especially with this.

I pick up my phone and dial her number.

“Hey.” She picks up.

“Milly.” I choke, the tears coming full force now.

“Blake, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“No! No, I’m fine. But…” I take a deep breath. “Rhett came back.” There’s a long beat of silence. “Milly?”

“Sorry. Why?”

I sniff. “Because he’s a fucking arsehole.” She says nothing. “He said he still loves me.” I whisper.

“Wow.”

“And now I just…it fucking hurts. Seeing him hurts, and now I’m crying and I’m a fucking mess.” I swipe at the tears but they just keep coming. “He’s a fucking shitty arsehole.”

“Because you still love him.”

“I don’t want to!” I snap.

“Well you don’t have a choice, so I think you should hear him out.”
Is she serious?

“Whose fucking side are you on?”

She sighs. “Yours, which is why you should hear him out. I’ve known you a long time Blake, and I have never seen you as happy as you were with him.”

“He broke me, Milly.” I whisper.

“I know.” She says sympathetically. “And believe me, I hate him for it, but if he came back, there must be a reason why. I mean, why now? It’s been months.” If I hear him out, if I open myself to even a fraction of a possibility—I’m not strong enough for it.

“You’re shit.”

She laughs. “Let me know what happens.” She instructs and hangs up.

I stroke Peppy’s head and remember the day Rhett got him back for me. All the memories I have of him, every good thing he ever did, it’s all tainted. Tainted by the thought that he may have only done those things to buy my trust so that when he asked me to marry him I would say yes. So that he could get the leverage he needed to force my fathers hand.

Everything we had became a lie overnight, everything except my feelings for him. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that I fell in love with a lie, my heart won’t have it.

The next morning, my door pushes open and my roommate, Hattie walks in, still wearing her dress from yesterday.
At least someone had a good time.
She’s a first year vet student from Cardiff. She has platinum blonde hair, fake eyelashes, and a broad Welsh accent, but I love her.

She eyes my puffy face, frowning, because yes, like the pathetic fuck I am, I cried all fucking night. I’m really starting to loathe that man.