Healing His Heart (20 page)

Never in his life had he let a woman close to his heart. He'd dated them, slept with them, enjoyed their company. Even felt responsible for them.

But he hadn't loved them, hadn't let them get close.

His relationship with Erin had convinced him finally that he could never love, couldn't think beyond his own selfish wants.

Julia saw it differently. Saw him differently.

Caleb leaned his head on the steering wheel. What had she said? That he was running away not because she loved him, but because he loved her.

He'd been telling himself he left because it was best for her. Yes, he'd seen her as a threat to his san
ity from day one, but he'd left...
to protect her from himself. Hadn't he?

The irony of the situation sank in then. He'd left her because he believed he couldn't love her, couldn't put her needs first. Yet, he couldn't have done that if he didn't love her.

If he was as immune as he thought, as heartless as he'd tried to tell her, he'd have stayed with her. Lied to her, cheated on her and screwed her as long as she let him.

But he hadn't done that. He'd left because he loved her.

Damn! Caleb straightened up, his hand hitting the wheel.

He loved her...
and she had loved him.

Maybe he'd killed that incredible gift, but sitting here in freezing, flipping Alaska wasn't going to help him find out.

*

On her first Friday back at work, Julia stayed in her office until long after everyone else had gone home. Her receptionist had tapped on the door to say they were leaving.

Julia said a muffled, "Okay" through the door. Maybe she shouldn't have sent Eileen home yesterday. Her sister had offered to stay another week and help her unpack her stuff at the new house.

Julia refused to be so selfish. Eileen had spent the last four weeks hovering over her like a mother hen. She had a husband and kids of her own, and a job to get back to, no matter what she said about having the world's greatest boss.

So Julia had sent her off on her plane yesterday and gone home last night to camp in her empty apartment. The movers had taken almost everything to the house three days ago. But she couldn't go there.

She dreaded going back to the house where everything sat in boxes, and even considered sleeping on the couch in her office.

Caleb was everywhere, his presence strongest in the home he'd built for her. She couldn't be there without wondering where he was, how he was.

No, dammit. She pushed herself away from the desk. She wasn't going to hide out in the office like a wounded animal.

She hadn't asked for Caleb Hayden in her life. She certainly couldn't let him ruin it.

Scooping up her purse, Julia decided not to take any work with her. She needed to figure out what to do with the house, how to live there without going to pieces.

The waiting room's big windows reflected the failing light of a gloomy day. A sprinkle of rain was falling. Julia slipped out, and huddled against the rain as she locked the door.

Crossing quickly to her car, Julia got in. Rain scattered over the windshield as she leaned forward to put the key in.

Turning it, Julia frowned. Nothing. She switched it back and tried again. Again, nothing. No cranking and heaving.

Frustration and despair whelmed in her. Damn, damn, damn. She leaned her head against the steering wheel. There was no Caleb to come to her rescue this time.

An impression of movement outside the car brought Julia's head up. She turned, seeing for the first time the unfamiliar truck parked a few yards away.

A man leaned against it, apparently oblivious to the rain falling around him.

Caleb?!

Something clutched at her heart. Hope. Fear. Unable to take her eyes off him, Julia watched as he straightened and walked toward her.

He paused a few feet from the car, his eyes meeting hers for a searing instant through the glass. She rolled down the car window, her eager words clutched in her throat.

"Trouble with your car, lady? Need a lift?"

The pounding in Julia's chest impeded her breathing. She needed air. She rolled up the window and opened the door, still staring at his face.

He waited until she got out of the car before turning back to his truck. They walked side by side through the misty rain. Caleb unlocked her door first before going around and getting in the driver's seat.

Julia still said nothing as he started the truck.

"Fasten your seat belt," Caleb ordered as he put the truck in gear and fl
icked on the windshield wipers.

Julia obeyed, a part of her mind registering his awareness of her recent brush with death.

"Your truck is...
?" Her faint question trailed off.

He glanced over. "Sold. This is a rental. I flew in."

"Oh." Her fingers brushed the cold metal of the seat belt as the shock of seeing him began to recede, only to be replaced by a hundred other emotions. Anger at his casual reentry into her life, a sobbing total joy to see him.

She felt choked on it all.

He drove down the damp deserted streets without a word, never turning to look at her.

Julia drew in a deep breath. This was crazy! What was he doing here? He'd never given a hint of planning to return.

Had he just flown in to visit? And did he expect to make love to her, that she'd fall into his hands like ripe fruit?

Who the hell did he think he was? She couldn't let him waltz back into her life, despite her urgent need to bury herself in his arms and stay there as long as possible.

But the words to tell him so wouldn't come out of her mouth.

Caleb turned into the driveway at her house and stopped.

Her house. She'd been so distracted by his sudden appearance that she hadn't even wondered where he was taking her.

Getting out, Julia walked around the truck and followed him up the steps to the deck.

She paused, fumbling in her purse for her keys. Finally, locating the ring in the farthest corner, Julia looked up to see Caleb opening the door.

"What the...
? How did you open that?" She recognized the question as stupid the minute it left her mouth. The key dangled from his hand.

Caleb held the door open. "I kept a key."

"You kept a key to my house?" Her voice rose.

"Yep." His eyes were a brush of midnight on her face.

"How dare you-
-of all the presumptuous
..
..
" Julia's words trailed off as he gestured to the open doorway. The flicker of light drew her in. The lights shouldn't be on.

Julia walked forward, moving in a trance.

Since she'd seen it last, days ago, the room before her had undergone transformation. Gone were the stacks of boxes; the litter of packing material had vanished. In its place, a haven waited. Her pictures graced the walls. The couch and matching loveseat formed a cozy cluster before
the fireplace. Someone had
started a dancing fire, and a nearby lamp cast a soft pool of golden light.

The mantel above the fireplace held a pair of antique candlesticks that she didn't recognize, candles ablaze. There were other unfamiliar objects, too, she noticed. A fine tapestry rug hung over the banister at the staircase landing.

Behind her, she heard Caleb pull the door shut. Julia turned swiftly to face him.

"Did you do this?"

Trying to ignore his nervousness, he simply admitted it. "Yes."

"Why? Why aren't you in Alaska?"

"I was in Alaska until Thursday." Caleb went to the fireplace, gathering his thoughts as he rearranged the birch logs with the poker. He'd had days to rehearse his side of this conversation, but his mind was blank now.

"So...
you came back to unpack for me?" There was sarcasm in her voice, an edgy note he wasn't used to.

Maybe it was too late, maybe she'd recovered from her accident with no feelings for him.

He straightened. "No, not just for that. I've actually been here a few days, doing a few other things."

Julia crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for his reply.

"I talked with Sam Goldstein."

Shock blossomed on her face as she sank into a nearby chair.

"You did?" Her voice was unsteady.

"Yes." He grinned, letting his excitement surface.

"Sam seems to think I'll have no problem renewing my medical license. There'll be red tape, of course. But nothing he can't take care of."

"Oh, Caleb, I'm so glad." She brushed a hand across her eyes. "But are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes. I've missed being a doctor," he admitted ruefully. "Of course, I never admitted it, even to
myself. But then you came along....
"

He saw Julia look down, her hands clenched in her lap. Her obvious tension could be either a good or bad sign. If she'd decided she was better off without him, this conversation couldn't be comfortable.

The possibility probably should have made him hesitate, but it didn't. He'd gone through hell the last two years and now Julia's love hovered like a grand prize at the end of the race.

He walked across the room and drew her to her feet, her slender hand in his. Confessing his own stupidity had never come easily, but he pushed aside the awkwardness.

Never had there been more at stake.

"You were right about me," he said, his voice rough. She glanced up at him, wary questions in her eyes.

"I was?"

"Yes. I've been a...
coward. Afraid of-
-
" he broke off, dropping her hand to pace in front of the fireplace. "There was this incredibly sexy woman on the job in Alaska-
-
"

"I-I don't want to hear about it," Julia interrupted.

"Just listen," he implored.

She sat down again, l
ooking at the fire rather than
him.

"This other woman was interested in me-
-
"

"I'll bet," Julia muttered.

"-
-
and she was just what I always thought I wanted. Sexy, available and uninterested in anything long-term."

"Caleb, please." Julia dropped her head into her hands and started to cry softly.

"Don't." He knelt at her feet. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. This fabulous, sexy woman kissed
me, wanted to go to bed with me...
and all I could think of was you."

Julia lifted her head and looked at him, her blue eyes damp.

"All I wanted was you," he said, his voice urgent and unsteady.

She drew in a shuddering breath, her gaze fastened on him.

"This thing in my past, Erin's death, it's always been more about me than her."

Caleb saw the puzzlement in Julia's eyes and hurried on. "I've never loved a woman, not really. Never let o
ne affect my life or my plans."

"Caleb," she said softly.

"But that was before. Before you." He made no attempt to keep the emotion out of his voice. "I love you. Love you with all my heart. I tried to fight it and I failed miserably. "

Julia started crying again.

Caleb surged forward, his arms enclosing her, pulling her hard against him. She felt like home, the warmth and scent of her surrounding him.

He stroked the nape of her neck beneath her hair. Her sweet femininity stirred him, soothed his troubled soul. A sense of rightness-of coming home at last-swept over him.

"I love you," he said against her hair. "I want to marry you, live in this house with you. I wan
t to face everything that comes...
with you by my side."

She cried even harder.

Caleb picked her up and sat down on the couch, holding her tight in his arms.

"Sometimes-
-
sometimes, I almost hated you," she said, tears still in her voice as his hand brushed back her hair.

"I know you did." His lips whispered along her face. "Sometimes, I hated you back. Isn't love grand?"

"You are so-
-
" She groped for the word. "Pig-headed."

"Yes, I am," he admitted. "And you have a standing invitation to grab me by the throat when I won't listen."

She nestled her head against him. "God, I love you. I thought you were gone forever."

"No. It took me awhile, but I finally came to my senses. I've always had this need to be in control of things, myself mostly. Not get upset, not get too involved."

"I presented a problem for you," Julia said wryly.

"Never have I known a more
involved
woman," Caleb said, with a crooked smile that faded. "I can't imagine voluntarily living without you."