Read Having Jay's Baby (Having His Baby #2) Online
Authors: Fran Louise
“You’d better know what you’re doing,” I said, warning, worrying.
“I always know what I’m doing,” he said, still staring up at the ceiling. “You’re the one who couldn’t find his ass with both hands.”
The insult was so typical of Abel, and yet so unexpected, that I wanted to laugh. Only regret held it at bay. I took in the sight of his surprisingly frail profile as he studied the grey mist outside and then turned away.
My father’s reign of terror seemed to be slipping away. With it, I could feel myself being pulled away from the darkness and outside, towards a light. I let my lawyer exit the room first and paused in the corridor just in time to see Elizabeth being led around the corner. She didn’t look back. Like my father, I knew she’d be focused elsewhere now, focused on what she needed to survive.
Like my father, she had never really needed me.
But Nina did, I reminded myself. And if I was lucky, Stella did, too.
On impulse, I turned and hugged Fueller. “I’ve got to go,” I said, overwhelmed by the urge to start running down the long corridor and out of this murky place, far away to a house on a street with lemon-yellow curtains. “Thank you, Bull.”
He patted me roughly on the back. “Go on,” he urged. “Get back to your family. That’s what I’m going to do.”
Then I ran.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Stella
“It’s not worth it.”
I slumped down on to the stoop and stared at the phone. The familiar sounds of my street drifted by: traffic; families on the school run; laughter; life. I didn’t want to be a spectator to this anymore.
Maybe Jay was just distracted at the hospital? Despite the homely family scene this morning, this probably wasn’t a good time to be discussing real estate. I’d told him I’d take care of things; find a place for us to live. Instead I’d hit him with mortgages and loans and questions. I breathed out and rubbed my face. The timing wasn’t good. Clearly this house and I were never meant to be.
Did it matter if it was this street or another one? Putting the phone down, I adjusted Nina’s blanket, unable to resist touching her tilted nose as she slept. I traced the wide forehead, too. I’d traced Jay’s forehead this morning in the same way, brushing his hair aside in an effort to soothe him.
No, the street didn’t matter. I was starting to realise that a family could be a family anywhere, as long they were together. It was about trust. All I had to do was work on that. A house didn’t make people happy. Even a perfect house—at this I glanced back at the gleaming red door mournfully—even a perfect house didn’t make people happy. I knew this.
A pair of feet entered into my vision as someone came to a stop in front of me. As he leaned down on his haunches, I noticed he was wearing two different socks.
“How did you know I’d be here?” I asked as Jay’s face came into view.
He was smiling. He looked ridiculously pleased with life, considering how dejected he’d been this morning. With the sun shining behind him, it was all a little overwhelming, especially when he leaned in to kiss me. I touched my hand to the back of his head, tasting his mouth like a rare delicacy.
He loosened his tie. “You two are a sight for sore eyes.” He nodded at the car seat. “Did she just go down?”
“About five minutes ago,” I said. I experienced a small pang as I recalled playing with her this afternoon in the nursery upstairs. The realtor had left me the keys as a gesture of goodwill. I’d been so sure this was the place for us...
“This is it, huh?” he said, looking up.
I remained silent, watching Jay instead. He looked tired. The urge to stand and take him in my arms was overwhelming. Still heartbreakingly handsome, that effortless gleam was nonetheless somewhat tarnished. No wonder, after the last couple of days ... I’d probably gained a couple of grey hairs myself.
“It’s nice,” he said. “I remember it.” He looked down, his eyes warm and teasing.
I recalled an abrupt kiss in a car and my running through that door like a woman hunted an eternity ago. I laughed lightly. Looking back at my brownstone, I shook my head. “It’s just a house,” I said with a shrug. “You’re probably right; it’s not worth the extra ten percent.”
I wanted to mention the other houses in the street that had gone for more, and some of them didn’t even have the original features like mine did, but I pressed my lips closed. New leaf: I was here to cooperate, not lead the way like I normally did. I was making room for him in our lives.
“It’s not,” he said.
“It was just a crazy idea,” I managed. “Nostalgia.”
A warm breeze had started up. It brushed his hair across his eyes, obscuring them as he looked down at me. “Are those the keys?”
I nodded.
“Show me around,” he said.
“No, let’s just go.”
“Come on.”
I smiled reluctantly. “Why?” I checked my watch. “I have to get these keys back to the realtor before they close.”
“Just show me around, Winters.” He picked up the car seat and left me to follow after him. “I’m curious about your former life.”
He fussed over Nina at the door for a few moments until impatience made her look back. “Let me in,” he said.
I started the tour at the back of the house, on the first floor, showing him the small kitchen-garden I’d created near the decking outside, which had, unfortunately, withered to nothing during the foreclosure period. I couldn’t quite stay on topic like the realtor had. I furnished each room with memories instead: the housewarming party where Monica’s youngest had locked the neighbour’s cat in my washing machine; the endless night’s spent pacing up and down the hallways with a crying Nina; the mailman, George, and his handyman skills; the claw footed tub I’d found on eBay for a song which had turned out to be miniature.
Jay listened patiently as he followed me from room to room, laughing when I did, quiet when a sadder memory was conjured up in the dust. By the time we reached the nursery on the second floor, I was exhausted. I let him go in first and then leaned on the door frame to watch him. He put Nina’s seat down exactly where the crib had once been.
I smiled. He couldn’t know, of course. I watched as he picked her up. With her small body resting on his shoulder, he stared out at the view. My heart was breaking, suddenly, seeing him standing at the window where I’d so often stood with Nina, wondering, worrying. He’d been out there, all that time, neither of us knowing. Our lives had so nearly veered in another direction entirely.
I sat down on the stairs quietly and wiped the silent tears from my eyes. I didn’t want to disturb Jay’s moment with Nina. He seemed very happy and at peace, and I didn’t want to spoil that. I took a few deep breaths, and by the time he’d put her back in the car seat and turned, I was more or less back under control.
“You were happy here,” he said, approaching me with his hands in his pockets.
I stood up. Ironic, considering my heart was breaking now. Nodding, I stepped down on to the landing to meet him.
He paused in front of me, his eyes searching my features. “Where was your bedroom?”
I gestured towards the master bedroom at the front of the house.
“Show me,” he said.
A breath of laughter touched me. The scene reminded me of something, another time, another planet ago. Back then my legs had been wrapped around his middle and he’d been half making love to me on the counter of a galley kitchen somewhere in Brooklyn. Under his current amusement he had a very predatory expression on his face and I suspected he was remembering something similar. A current shot down my spine as I led the way into the empty room.
No, not empty—there was a brand new mattress on the floor. “It’s odd, right?” I said. “Who leaves a new mattress in an empty house?”
“Odd,” he agreed, though he didn’t seem terribly interested. His shoes made a light clicking noise as he walked to the window and peered out. “Is it quiet, at night?” He still had his hands in his pockets. He was still watching me with intent when he turned.
I took a step back and stumbled on the mattress. Getting my balance, I said, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”
Like you want to throw me down on the mattress and fuck me.
“Triple-glazing,” I said.
The light clicking noise approached me slowly. “How long does Nina usually nap for in the afternoons?”
“An hour,” I said. Okay ... so maybe I wasn’t misinterpreting the look. Swallowing, not quite able to switch modes, I asked, “What happened this morning? How did it go?”
“Okay,” he said. He was close enough that I could smell his shower gel, or shampoo—whatever it was, it was intoxicating. “My lawyer’s pretty confident this’ll go away.”
“And your father?”
The light in his eyes dimmed slightly. “He’ll survive. He always does.” He lifted one hand from his trouser pocket and touched the side of my face. “I don’t think we should press charges on Elizabeth, Stella.”
I inhaled involuntarily, pursing my lips to exhale.
His expression flinched. “She’s not well.”
“Was she there?” I asked.
“Yes, but I think she’s finally accepted things are over.”
I had no interest in punishing the woman. “I don’t want her near Nina,” I said. “If she stays in your life, that is.”
He nodded. “I promise.”
Unable to keep him at a distance any longer, I rested my head on his chest. When I looked up again, his scent was all around me. “I really want to create a home, Jay,” I said. “I’ve missed all of this. Maybe this seems like nothing to you, but I wish you could have seen it, before.”
“It’s not nothing,” he said with a cautionary smile. He paused, frowned. “Are you nesting?” His other hand came up and he cradled my face.
“Maybe.”
“Nesting, or broody?”
“Does horny count?”
“You realise there’s a mattress right behind you,” he said. “Don’t throw around words like that unless you plan to back them up.”
My hand slid under his jacket. Inside it was a mix of cool cotton and heated male. I dipped my hand below his waistband to touch his ass. It was hard and round, impervious to my fingernails. “Who said anything about not backing it up?”
The sun was starting to dip in the sky by the time we were naked on the mattress. We lay facing each other for a moment, just taking in the silence. Light flickered against the wall behind his head. His legs were warm and rough next to mine.
“Did you ever think about me, in this room?” he asked.
I thought about him now. “At least once,” I said finally. Amusement warmed me. “The night after we met in the hotel, when you asked me if Nina was yours.” I had to cover my face with my hands. “I can’t believe it took me so long...”
He reached up and uncovered my face, kissing my fingers. “I thought about you that night, too,” he said. His voice was hoarse; I couldn’t work out if it was regret or arousal. “Seems like a long time ago.”
“It was,” I said.
“Why did you come out with me that night?”
This made me laugh. I eased back against him, searching for air. “Why do you think?”
“You wanted to get laid?”
“Yes,” I said, still laughing, “but I’d just had a baby. I hadn’t had sex in nearly a goddamn year. I was a mess, actually.”
“A horny mess,” he concluded. “Why didn’t you run off, then, when I kissed you?”
The amusement settled. I touched his features. How could I have looked at him over and over again and not seen him properly until now? The handsome features didn’t hold his real beauty. It was the light flickering in those caramel eyes, the patience and the humour in it. “I was scared,” I said, kissing him lightly.
His frown could have sliced through me. He touched my cheekbone, tracing the scar. “Are you even going to tell me how you got that?”
The light in the room seemed to flicker, as though the sun were dipping under the horizon. Part of me never wanted to bring it into our relationship, that darkness, and yet ... I shifted against him. “I fell down some steps,” I said.
We both waited; me, to see if he’d be satisfied with that. After a few moments, it became apparent on his narrow expression that he needed more.
I exhaled, buried my head in his chest for a moment and took courage in the nourishing scent of heated male. “After my mom died,” I said, my voice muffled, “I let my dad move into her house with me. He was sober at the time.”
“Did he hit you?”
“No,” I said, hurriedly. “It was stupid ... I was still a kid, I’d just lost my mom. I needed help. I gave him too much access to the money...” I rested my head on Jay’s shoulder for a moment, touching my lips to his skin, brushing my cheek against his neck as though to erase the scar. “He fell off the wagon. He drank his way through the money. I don’t know why I’d expected anything different. I confronted him and he threw me out of the house. He wasn’t trying to hurt me.”
“Jesus, Stella.”
I laid my head back on the mattress. “I’m not angry about it,” I said, my voice even. “It wasn’t him; it was the addiction. The only thing I’m angry about is that—I let it get inside of me all that time. I let it change me.” I touched my hand to Jay’s hip. “Maybe that’s why I left you that night. I couldn’t do casual sex anymore ... but I couldn’t trust you enough to do anything else.”
“What about now?” he asked.
His hand smoothed across my hips, pulling me into him. I closed my eyes to revel in the familiar sensations coursing down through my body; sensations uniquely crafted in response to Jay’s scent, his touch; the weight of his thrust. Arms around his neck, I fitted every part of my body close to his.
His hand started up a slow, determined stroke against my ass. His cock was stiff, nestled against the dull, painful throb between my legs. I moved against him instinctively. “I can’t have this conversation if you keep doing that,” I said.
He breathed against my neck. After a pause, he lifted his head and looked at me. “I don’t know how to have a relationship, either,” he said.