Authors: Anna Bloom
Bridge Cottage
St Agnes
Cornwall
26th August 2013
Dear Ellie,
You daft, dappy ridiculously dead, mare! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? That’s me shouting by the way.
Ellie what were you thinking? My stupid, crazy, beautiful best friend who stuck by my through everything. What were you thinking? Drugs? Driving under the influence? Even me, Dangerous Rebecca Walters would never do that! And now I am living without you. You’re not here to tell me what the hell to do.
You’ve broken my heart. All these months and I’ve been blaming myself for the way I feel and for losing you.
I want to be cross with you, but really I just want to hold you and laugh with you one last time.
I want to stay so bad but I don’t think I should. Not because of me, not because of Em or my family. But because of Josh. It’s ironic really when I thought he was going to be my reason to stay.
Yesterday I saw him at the beach, hugging Faye. He looked ripped apart. I stood for ages watching them before he knew I was there. I think he thought about chasing me, but he didn’t.
I didn’t want to come home either so I went for a wander around town, trying to sort out a new plan of action. I found my way to the local church, I’d never been there before.
I kept thinking of you, and your service and how I wished I’d gone but didn’t because I was too scared of what people would say. Supposedly everyone wore pink to your funeral. Did you know that? I laughed when they told me. Okay, okay, I was on anti-depressants. I just thought you would have found it funny because you hated pink with a vengeance. You always said it made you want to puke. Maybe I was the only person who knew that.
Anyway, I saw lots of purple flowers on a grave so I wandered over there. It was for a young woman not much older than us. “Beloved daughter, twin and friend.” I thought it was so sad and it made me think of you so badly it hurt to breathe. I know you were never a twin, but you were like a sister to me and sometimes that’s stronger than blood.
I was turning to leave when I saw a square of paper on the ground. I shouldn’t have picked it up, it’s rude I know. I just thought maybe it had fluttered down from somewhere and I could return it to its rightful location.
It was a picture of Faye. Well at first I thought it was a picture of Faye. Then I saw the writing on the bottom, “Goodbye,” written in Josh’s hand. Suddenly it clicked, the pictures in the art shop, the pictures that Josh took down just the other day. The other day when we had sex for the first and only time. The pictures that looked like Faye but wasn’t her. Her twin. The girl that Josh was in love with. The girl who died six months ago. The girl who he has never told me about because he must be so in love with her he can’t even talk about it.
The reason why Dan told me on the sand the other night that Josh would hate me.
The reason Josh left me and told me goodbye.
Aimee. That was the name on the grave. It cut into my heart, not with jealousy, rather with pain at her loss. Loss for Josh and Faye. Loss for her family.
It made me feel my loss of you all over again.
I’ve got to leave Ellie. I’m going this afternoon.
Will you come with me? I’m scared to go by myself.
B.
xx
Rebecca
Packing
Yesterday I came home from trying to find Josh and all the truths I found instead, and I told my family that I was still going to leave. I said I was going to leave today instead of tomorrow, then I came upstairs, finished my packing, before sitting on my bed waiting for Josh to turn up and tell me I had read the situation all wrong.
He didn’t.
Eventually I went downstairs, sat on the sofa with my family and enjoyed our first family evening in a long time. Shame it had to be our last one for a while,
Now I am waiting for the time to tick past. That’s all I have left to do.
Joshua
Breakfast
I left her by herself last night. In truth I didn’t know what to say. I know why she ran. I completely get it. She almost can’t help herself. But I knew that if I turned up I would end up telling her everything and it felt too raw, especially after what Faye and I did yesterday.
I’m going to go and find her now. Tell her to stop bloody running, or if she has to run maybe she could just slow down to a jog so I can keep up with her. I’m going to tell her everything, and in doing so I hope that she will finally trust me and tell me everything too. It’s the only way we can be together. I’m just hoping she still wants to be with me.
“Hey mate.” It’s Andrew, I haven’t seen him since the disastrous night out. He’s tried to call but I dodged it. “Shit you look terrible.”
“Yeah, Dan looked worse.”
“He left, have you heard?”
I give a heartless chuckle. “Yeah I thought he would.”
“Was what Faye told me true, did he attack Bex?”
“Does Faye ever lie? Well to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, Andrew, give it up. Go and ask her bloody out, it’s stupid you guys messing about all these years.”
“
I don’t know what you are talking about?” He laughs though and so do I.
“So will you?”
“Maybe. Where are you going anyway?”
“I’m going to find Bex. I need to tell her she is an idiot as well.”
Andrew shifts a bit. “That’s why I was trying to find you.”
“What?” For a moment I think that she has left without saying anything.
“I saw her in town with some guy. She was crying, then he was crying, then he kissed her on the cheek and then he walked away.”
“Jesus are you the neighbourhood watch?”
“No. I just thought you should know. They looked close, you know.”
“What time was this?”
“I don’t know, about eleven maybe, definitely before lunch.”
This was before she saw me at the beach. “Okay, mate, thanks.”
Instead of walking up the lane to the cottage I head to the shop instead. Aunt May is there with her classical music blaring. “I told you this crap frightens away customers.” I shout over the din.
“No it doesn’t.” She points behind me and I turn to find Emily standing there.
“What’s up, midge?”
“You.” She pokes a finger in my chest and glares at me.
“What did I do?”
“Where the hell were you yesterday? Bex had the most profound moment ever and you weren’t bloody there. Yesterday she told us she was going to stay and asked Mum and Dad if she could live with us. Today she has her bags by the door. What the hell are you doing?”
I process her words quickly. Well I pick out. Profound. Staying. Leaving.
“Why is she leaving?”
“I think she is trying to prove a point.”
“What bloody point?”
“That she is not going to run anymore.”
“But isn’t she?”
“Well duh.” An angry flower fairy is a scary thing. “Fix it, Josh. Before you lose her forever and we do too.”
She marches out of the shop the bell trilling behind her.
Aunt May is watching. “How are you going to fix it, Josh?”
“
I don’t know. What if she resents me for not being brave enough, what if she wants to forget everything that’s happened here?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about, you sound like a lunatic. Fix it!”
Dashing straight out the door I chase after Em. “Wait.” I grab at her arm to make her stop. “Help me?”
Emily tilts her head thoughtfully to the side. “Maybe.”
“Please.”
“She’s on the one o clock train. Is that something you can work with?”
“I can try.”
“Try.”
I will. Even if it means telling every secret I have ever kept hidden.
Rebecca
The Pain of Goodbye
It’s been one of those days. One of those no breathing days.
This morning Em came and sat on my bed. I was wrapping all my letters to Ellie in an elastic band.
“You know you’re going to be okay.” I assured her.
She laughed. “You know you’re going to be okay.”
“Josh will watch out for you, so will Faye. You will be better off without me here. Everyone will be talking about what happened with Dan. It’s best that I’m not here for a while.”
Em shrugged a little. “I’ll just tell them to fuck off. Just like my sister would.”
I clutched my hands to my ears, “Oh my God, my poor baby sister has a potty mouth.”
“Well you know, hang around someone long enough.” She trailed off and giggled. All I could think was
Please don’t let her be like me.
As if she was reading my mind she grabbed my hand. “Bex, you are the bravest most inspiring person I know.”
“What because I’m running away?”
“No. What you did back then, to those girls. They’d been tormenting me for months, every day beating me down. You faced off to them in one afternoon. That will inspire me forever.”
Her words made tears sting behind my eyes.
“Okay just don’t ever break someone’s head against a sink.”
“I will try very hard not to.”
Now we are at the station and mum is fidgeting and dad is hugging me and straightening my outfit up. My outfit is one to be proud of. Jeans – normal ones. A T-shirt. And a hoodie. Who’d have thought it?
“Okay guys, leave it off.” I shrug away from them all. “I’ll see you guys at Christmas. Try not to make my room into an office.”
Mum bursts into tears. Dad grimaces his lips wobbling. Emily jumps up and down. “It’s going to be my art studio mum’s already promised me.
“Fu. . .” I start.
“Rebecca!” Dad warns.
“Okay I’m going.” And with that I swing myself up onto the carriage and make my way down the aisle.
I’ve timed it just right. The conductor’s whistle blows as soon as I am in my seat. No long painful moments waving out of the window for this girl.
Out of the station I start to relax. I didn’t say goodbye to Joshua but I did leave a note for him at home just in case he turned up looking for me. In it I said I was sorry. Sorry for not being able to share my secrets sooner. And thank you. Just thank you for liking me, loving me maybe, despite everything that I am.
“Sorry.” A voice calls above me.
Shit. A massive canvas bag hits the back of my head as some tall guy with a skin head lifts it into the overhead compartment.
“Watch it.” I grouch slumping back down into my seat.
To my complete horror the dude with the lethal bag sits in the seat next to mine. Way too close for comfort. I move myself even closer to the window. I am now firmly wedged.
“Long trip to London.”
For the love of God.
“Mm.”
“I’ve got a great story about the girl that I’m in love with, if you’re interested.”
I glance up into the window and see the reflection of the stranger sitting next to me.
“What happened to the dreadlocks?” I can see myself grinning in the window.
“Well they were always a lifestyle choice.”
I chuckle as Josh repeats one of the first things he ever said to me.
Josh stretches his legs onto the seat in front of him. “Now about that girl I’m in love with. It’s a bit of a messy story. Are you ready?”
I take a deep breath. “Are you talking about Aimee?”
Josh looks into me, the greens swimming with an emotion I don’t yet understand. “No, Bex. I’m talking about you.”
Swiftly he swoops forward his lips catching hold of mine, and I smile against his mouth.
It’s just as well this is a long train journey this is a story I want to hear.
I settle down in the seat and rest my head against Joshua’s shoulder. Ready to hear his story. My story. Our story.
It’s ironic really that I finish telling Bex my story, the story of us, on the beach where I first caught sight of her.
As we sat together on the train I told her everything. Everything. I told her all about Aimee the girl who broke my heart and left me stranded for six months. And then she told me everything she knew. It would never have made a difference to me what she found out from that guy from London. But it helps her and that matters. I always knew I was in love with her. I knew it that first day at Crantock beach when she came up from the bottom of the ocean clutching her nose and covered in wet sand. I knew it a couple of nights ago when I rescued her on a different beach from something far worse than cleared sinuses.
Bex. It’s just her. She makes me live, and she makes me breathe. She makes me want to be something.