Authors: Anna Bloom
“Well you know, I think we’ve given the locals something to talk about for a while, it should keep them busy until you come back.” He chuckles and I rock with him gripping my arms tighter around him like I am clinging onto a life raft,
“Do you want me to come back, Josh?” I peer up at him with my question.
“I’m counting on it.”
Bridge Cottage
St Agnes
Cornwall
23rd August 2013
Dear E,
Do you know what I am feeling today more than anything else? Guilt. Overloads of it, beating down on my heart and on my soul.
Why? Because it kills me that you will never experience what I did last night. You will never feel your legs get that heavy dead sensation, the tingling in your toes, the sheer pleasure of losing yourself in a moment and sharing it with someone else.
You my best friend deserve that, it should have been yours. We could have giggled down the phone and told each other what it felt like. But I can’t do that with you and I know it is my fault why not. You will never get to be like that with someone. I took that away from you.
What would you say if I told you I thought I’d fallen in love with Josh-u-a? That somehow he’s melted every concern, every worry that I ever held inside. That I don’t want to leave him. Last night he told me he didn’t want me to go.
He says he is counting on my coming back to see him.
I’m going to come back and see them all in the strange village that is starting to feel like home.
I wish you were here with me. I miss you. Today I miss you more than ever before.
B
xx
Rebecca
Breakfast
“So this feels a bit different?”
It’s definitely different.
I roll onto my side and face him. I’m smiling, I’m not even going to bother trying to hide it. “Good different or bad different.”
“Good, very very good.”
“Good.” My smile ratchets up into a grin.
“Good.”
Giggling I reach up and linger my lips against his. His hand slides down the length of my spine coming to rest on my right butt cheek.
“Do we have any plans for today?” he asks.
I can think of a plan for today and it involves replaying last night over and over again, until I fall back into an exhausted but satisfied sleep.
“Hello, Rebecca!?” Josh waves his hand in front of my face with his words.
“Sorry.” I stretch a little, I ache all over. The stretch works well because it slides Josh’s hand around to the front of my body. I stretch a little more, directing his hand downwards with my languorous movement. The greens darken as he watches my reaction.
Reaching down to kiss me he teases his tongue against mine. “I can’t imagine not being with you now, Bex. I hope you know that.” I shut my eyes as his fingers stroke in feather light caresses along my skin. It feels damn good.
“Rebecca, open your eyes and look at me.”
I do. His hand stops its teasing patterns which is a little disappointing.
“I’ve still got a lot to tell you, I know that. And I am going to, I will tell you everything. I just hope you don’t think I’ve rushed anything with you. It wasn’t my intention, it’s just when I’m with you all I want is you. It was too exhausting fighting it anymore.”
Tears sting my eyes. This is the first time in my life anyone has told me that they wanted me.
“What have I said?” Josh looks alarmed.
“Nothing.” I brush away a stray tear. “It’s just no one had ever said they wanted me before.”
“I wanted you pretty much the first day I saw you.” He thinks for a moment. “Actually make that the third. I thought you were really rude the first time I met you.”
This makes me laugh loudly. “Me? Oh my god, you were so rude!”
“Well you know only my best customer service for the holiday maker.” He offers me a broad wink. It’s the first time in days I’ve remembered his initial hatred of holidaymakers. Aren’t I still technically a holiday maker if I leave in two days?
I don’t get a chance to ask.
Mum interrupts any questioning with a shout from the bottom of the stairs, “Rebecca, Josh, do you want breakfast?”
“Rumbled,” he breathes into my ear. A delicious shiver spreads down my arm.
“You may as well come in using the front door.” I slide out from under him and head to the dresser where I push my bangles on, counting them on in rough handfuls not individually.
“Now where would be the fun in that?” he laughs.
I glance at him in the mirror and notice his gaze on my bangles and wrists. “Quite right where would be the fun in that?” The dark green gaze meets mine in the reflection and he grins, and I grin back completely aware of just how crazy demented happy I look.
We are heading down the stairs when I ask the question burning my tongue. “Will you come and visit me, Joshua?”
“Only if you come and visit me?” He grins with his answer.
“Yes.”
“And that’s a yes from me too.”
“That’s good.” I smile again. Ugh, too much smiling.
It’s good though, because I know I have got to start to pack today. I think the thought that he may follow me to London at some point will make the painful prospect of packing a little easier to bear.
“One thing, Rebecca,” he says at the front door his eyes glinting in the morning sunshine. “I know this was only supposed to be a fling, but I hope you know that it isn’t.”
“What is it then?”
Josh starts walking down the path turning to raise his arms up at the heavens. “I have no idea, but I am kind of liking it.”
After I have slammed the door shut I screech full speed into the kitchen. “It’s not a fling.” I shout at the top of my voice.
Emily sprays her orange juice all over the table while Dad does the whole newspaper rustling thing, lowering it to look at me. “What is it then?” Dad’s eyes are dancing with humour and it feels like I’ve never not been his happy daughter grinning across the kitchen at him.
“Who knows?” I throw my arms in the air just like Joshua did.
“That’s nice.” Dad confirms with a heavy lace of sarcasm. “That’s good though.” He does that throat clearing thing so I know he is about to say something serious. Or, I am about to be told off for something.
My laughter dies on my lips and my stomach squeezes. I don’t know why I have but I have a strong feeling something bad has happened. Maybe this was all too good to be true. I glance at Emily, my concern instantly going to her. She is grinning though.
“Sit down Rebecca. We want to talk to you about something.” Dad speaks but Mum, who has been silent until now pats the kitchen chair next to her.
I walk to the seat my feet leaden.
“What? What have I done?”
“Nothing at all.” Dad assures me. “We just want to talk to you about something.”
“Yeah what’s that?”
“We want you to stay and we are wondering if you would consider discussing it with us. As a family.”
My jaw hits the ground as I register his words and I look around the table at the expectant gazes of my family who I was sure wanted to get rid of me just as much as I wanted to escape.
Joshua
Packing and Painting
I swing down the street towards the shop like a different man. And I don’t mean it in some pervy just wants sex way. What I mean is that I feel totally alive. And I am sure this is all going to work out. Ever since I’ve known Bex I’ve always known she is fiercely guarded. I knew it even that first day when she wouldn’t tell me her name. Then finally when she told me about that night at the party and what happened with Emily I started to understand. It made me want her more. Last night she finally let down her defenses and just let me see her for who she is. It was as I always thought it would be, by getting lost inside her, I was able to find myself again.
For the first time in a long time I feel just like me again. The Josh who used to live in this town. I want to ring Faye and see if she wants to do the goodbye we talked about yesterday today. But I don’t want to rush her, that wouldn’t be fair on her.
At the last possible moment I change my direction and head instead to the headstone in the church courtyard, the one I used to visit every day, until Bex came along and woke me up, filling my days with sunshine. The opposite of words chiseled in stone.
Today for the first time ever instead of hovering on the edge I kneel down and smooth my hand over the cool stone and speak. “It’s nearly time.” I whisper the words. They don’t feel like they are going to break me like I always thought they would, instead they strengthen me. Standing from my crouch I stride from the cemetery ready to fill my day with painting and time wasting until it’s time to pick Bex up for our night out in Newquay. My first visit to Newquay since my life changed its course there six months before.
At half seven I am knocking on her door. For the first time in months I am wearing a button down shirt with my jeans, and I feel like a complete dork. I’ve kept the flip flops on out of principle. Emily opens the door and leads me in twirling around in front of me in excitement. “How did the painting go today?” I ask.
“Great, how about yours?”
“How do you know I was painting?” I smile and ruffle her hair.
“I can smell it,” she informs me with a serious nod of the head. Well that’s crap, I showered for bloody ages.
After Emily has turned away I give myself a discreet sniff. All I can smell is shower gel.
Bex’s dad walks over from the lounge and shakes my hand. After a bit of general chit chat he seems to be loitering in an uncomfortable way. “Don’t tell her I said this,” he says.
“Said what?” I shove my hands in my pockets. I feel like a school boy picking up his first date.
“Please keep an eye on her. Bex likes to party hard. She’s been better since, uh, well since we have been here but just watch what she drinks. I don’t want to nag her right now we are trying to show we trust her.”
“You should trust her.”
“Yeah,” he takes a deep breath. “Trust isn’t something that comes that easily in this house, but it’s something we are trying to work on.”
“You are going to pay for her fees aren’t you?”
He laughs, “Of course I am, I just wanted her to get a grip of herself before I managed to let her go and do her own thing.”
“I think she is going to be fine.”
“Well, you never know, everything may change yet.” He says cryptically and I can’t really tell what he is getting at.
“She’ll be back.” I assure him.
“Do you think so?”
“I know so.”
“And what if she doesn’t?”
He seems to be finding my level of determination quite amusing. I straighten my shoulders and try to look manly.
“Then me and Daisy will go and get her.”
He crinkles his forehead at me. “Who the hell is Daisy?”
“His car,” shouts Bex from the top of the stairs. I watch as she walks down barefoot, long slim legs encased in super skinny black jeans. I thrust my hands deeper into my pockets as the rest of her comes into view. It’s not the green top, but it’s the same style. This time instead of dazzling like emeralds it is shimmering like a flash of liquid gold. As she gets closer I can see a pattern is marked out in a contrasting bronze, it’s like the top was created to merge perfectly with her skin.
“It’s not the green top,” she confirms when she notices the speechless mouth open pose I am holding.
I snap my mouth shut. “No it’s not.”
“So, Josh, drive carefully,” her dad begins the parental goodbye.
“I always do.”
“And make sure you both have fun.” He gives me a nod here which I know means make sure we have fun, but just not too much.
“Yes Daaaad.” Bex rolls her eyes.
“And lastly, Josh, please come in the front door when you get home, we won’t be waiting up.”
I flush crimson when I realise her dad has always been more than well aware of my pipe scaling abilities.
“Uh thanks.” And then before he can impart any more advice along the lines of using condoms or anything equally embarrassing I grab Bex’s hand and yank her towards Daisy.
Once we are in the car I turn to her, making my voice stern as I reach around her and trail a finger up her exposed back. “Rebecca Walters. Now you are my girlfriend, and especially as you are wearing this goddamn top, you are under no circumstances allowed out of my sight this evening.”
Bex looks shocked at my use of the word girlfriend. Probably not as shocked as I look but then she slowly grins at me,
“That shouldn’t be a problem.” She pats my leg with excitement. “Come on, Joshua, lets go and have some fun together.”
Laughing I start the car and manage to restrain myself from saying that I will have fun, but not as much as I plan to have when we get home later and I walk through the front door to her house, follow her up the stairs and spend the night making the girl made of the sun mine again.