Heaving a harsh breath of anger, he rolled from the platform abruptly and began to pace. “Before the gods! I wish they had not given you to me at all! I do not want to give you up! I will do something unbelievably stupid when they come to take you!
“Gods! It is just retribution for the dark thoughts I held in my heart! In spite of the corruption of our ways … in spite of the fact that I knew Laayia hadn’t chosen me to sire her child, would have refused me if she had been able to deny the mating, I allowed myself to bind to her, allowed myself to believe I would have the family I had wanted.
“I wanted to kill her myself when I discovered what she’d done. But when
they
killed her …. ” He stopped, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I do not know if I feel the weight of her death because I wished it, because I could not control my desire for a child, or because … I did not want her.”
Bri sat up and studied him uneasily, struggling with a confusion of emotions.
Most dominate was the urge to tell him the truth, to tell him she had understood everything he had said--to stop him from saying more that he would regret her having heard. She should, she knew. It was shameful to maintain the deception when he believed he had the privacy of the language barrier to prevent her from understanding his confession.
It was patently obvious he had needed to confess, that his sense of guilt, however misplaced she thought it was, was eating at him and needed some kind of outlet, but just as painfully obvious that she was intruding on his privacy.
He might have said it regardless, and yet, from what he’d told her, it was taboo to feel and think the way he did. It might shame him, and she couldn’t bring herself to do that to him … and it was far too late to make her own confession without embarrassing him.
It was both sweet and flattering to think he’d gotten a crush on her, but she knew how painful they could be, and the first was always the hardest to deal with.
It occurred to her, briefly, to wonder if she was the one being deceived, to wonder if this was merely some sort of act designed to draw her out, but his distress and anger seemed too real to dismiss it as playacting.
And she found that she was far more interested in soothing him than risking upsetting him even more. He would have to deal with his own demons, though, she knew, whatever she did. Cuddling him like she wanted to might only make it harder for him. He seemed to think it would.
He was probably right, too, if all he’d said was true. He’d lost the ability to distance himself emotionally from others, despite the attempts of the elders to teach the young Hirachi to be completely detached and self-sufficient.
It didn’t escape her that it could be risky to her, too. He’d already touched something inside of her, drawn feelings to the surface she should not consider nurturing.
There was no place for softer emotions here, no time for it. She had enough to deal with as it was. Cory was her first priority. She could not afford to be side tracked from the need to destroy the Sheloni by the desire to simply shut the world out and surrender to the urge to mate and nest.
It disturbed her that she identified that urge so easily, particularly when it wasn’t something she’d ever experienced before, but then she realized that Kole had already brought that to the surface--somehow. She’d been hurt and jealous when she’d seen him with the blond woman when she’d had no right to be at all, shouldn’t have even had a reason to feel that way.
No matter how civilized people got, though, it didn’t seem that they ever completely escaped their animal instincts. She suspected hers were urging her to seek shelter in the strongest available male.
If that was true, it explained her urge to attach herself to first Kole and then Dansk. It didn’t make it any easier to deal with, but it explained behavior that seemed against her nature, or at least vastly different that she’d experienced before, and was definitely contrary to her upbringing.
Any old port in the storm!
She wasn’t going that route, though. Her instincts were urging her in the wrong direction. She didn’t really want to yield her destiny into the hands of anyone else.
Wryly, she wondered if that was the case with poor Dansk. Had his instincts to mate and produce off-spring become so pervasive that he was running purely on instinct? That he was struggling to attach himself to a female, any female?
That was an unhappy thought, making Bri worried that she was more at the mercy of her instincts than she liked to believe. It was absurd! She didn’t even know Dansk--didn’t know Kole.
On the other hand, she knew from personal experience that crushes defied logic. She hadn’t known the boy she’d gotten her first crush on--had
never
gotten to know him. But that hadn’t stopped her from pining over him, fantasizing about him, dreaming, yearning, suffering endlessly. That hadn’t stopped her heart from breaking when he had moved away. She didn’t think she could possibly have grieved any more if she had known him.
Maybe she would’ve grieved less. Maybe he hadn’t been the ‘prince’ she’d imagined.
And maybe not. Sex was just sex until the heart was caught up in it. Then it became a force to be reckoned with. She should have realized something was up when she’d experienced such mind blowing sex.
Kole, she realized abruptly, must have sensed his vulnerability! That was why he’d worked so hard to keep his distance!
She gave herself a mental slap at that thought. She was
trying
to make herself believe that it had meant something!
She didn’t need that to salve her conscience and make it alright. It
was
alright. There was nothing wrong with taking some enjoyment out of the situation if she could. It wasn’t going to make her a bad person.
She wasn’t cut out for this! At this rate she was going to be convinced every time the damned Sheloni switched partners on her that she was falling for the guy!
She was on the point of rolling off the sleeping platform and trying to put distance between herself and Dansk, mentally and physically, when he joined her again. She resisted, briefly, until she realized the futility of it. She could not avoid Dansk when she was trapped with him in the damned breeding pen, and she couldn’t avoid sex, and she couldn’t avoid becoming pregnant. Either Dansk did it, or someone else would.
Kole had been right. The quicker they took care of the task the better it would be for both of them … all of them. Forming attachments could be downright disastrous for them. It would certainly be an emotional disaster.
She could see why the Hirachi had elected to train their people the way they had, but it had to have damaged them, probably permanently, emotionally crippled them so that they could never accept a change now. Poor Dansk was having a hell of a time trying to deal with the conflict between his natural instincts and the unnatural ones his people had worked so hard to instill in him. It
was
debilitating.
Contrary to what she expected, however, Dansk made no attempt to initiate sex. He simply pulled her close against his body and held her in his arms until she finally dozed off.
It was she who finally convinced him to try full penetration again, not because she had enough sense to realize that she needed to get pregnant and that wasn’t going to happen as long as there was no actual penetration, but because she desperately wanted him to.
He had already made her come twice, so hard that she’d screamed as if she was dying. She was the next thing to senseless, but when he pushed his cock between her thighs, instead of clamping them tightly around his engorge flesh, she reached for him, aligning his body with hers to show him what she wanted.
He swallowed thickly. His body was shaking with his need, and she could see he was torn. “No hurt, baby,” he said harshly.
“You won’t hurt me,” Bri responded, arching to seat the head of his cock more fully inside the mouth of her sex.
He expelled a pained grunt and went perfectly still for several moments. Finally, he reached for her leg and dragged it over his hips. “Say if hurt, baby,” he murmured huskily, arching his hips to thrust upward.
It did hurt, but not as much as it had the first time they’d tried. Biting her lip, she burrowed her face against his chest so that he couldn’t see pain in her face. He wasn’t fooled, and he wouldn’t allow it. He pushed her onto her back and moved over her, watching her face intently as he slowly pushed and then retreated several times, penetrating her with little more than the head of his cock.
Seeing her discomfort, he stopped, began to withdraw, but Bri was beyond caring whether it hurt or not. She wanted him inside of her. Lifting her legs, she locked them around his hips, pulling at him insistently with her legs, arching her hips at the same time to bring him deeper. He lay passively, neither attempting to withdraw nor trying to thrust deeper. After a moment, he hunched his shoulders and leaned down to nuzzle her temple with his nose. “I want this, baby, so badly I can taste it,” he murmured to her in his own tongue. “But I would not hurt you for all the treasure the universe holds. It would hurt me, not give me pleasure. You are … my heart and soul.”
His words sent a current of warmth through her that was equal parts desire and affection. She tightened her arms and legs around him, clinging, determined to ignore the discomfort. “I want this,” she said in her own language. “It feels … like heaven to have you inside me. I want it all.” And she did. She felt desire rekindle at the thought of being possessed by him, felt moisture flood her channel, easing the discomfort. And when she arched against him again, she felt his flesh delve deeper, gliding through her body’s lubricant without the uncomfortable resistance of before.
He felt it, too. Sucking in a harsh breath, he withdrew and thrust again, watching her face.
It was still uncomfortable, and it didn’t help that he was huge, but the pleasure of feeling him inside of her far outweighed the minor discomfort. She relaxed her tense grip on him and began to caress him, planting her feet against the platform and countering each thrust until he sank to her depths, filling her so tightly she teetered for many moments between pain and pleasure. As he began to move rhythmically in and out of her, however, the scales tipped toward absolute pleasure.
She gasped, panting for breath as she felt the tension coil inside of her more and more tightly, encouraging him with soft moans of appreciation and the swift counterthrust of her hips until he seemed to lose the last vestiges of his control. He began to pound into her at a frantic pace that sent them both spiraling into bliss with unexpected swiftness. His chest heaving for breath, he held himself perfectly still above her as his body expelled his seed, uttering choked, almost pained grunts as the spasms rocked him.
His arms began to tremble with the effort to hold himself above her. She stroked him, drawing him down until his weight settled on her, nearly crushing the air from her lungs.
He chuckled shakily when he heard her grunt, rolling off instantly and gathering her against him. “It is a good thing for you, my heart, that I was not too far gone to support some of my weight else I’d have had a beautiful
flat
flower pressed against my chest.”
Smiling lazily, feeling supremely satisfied, Bri snuggled against him.
They were both drifting toward sleep when the fucking door opened.
Chapter Sixteen
The sound of the door opening snatched Bri back from the verge of sleep. Still groggy and disoriented, she pushed herself upright and stared at the door blankly for a split second before reality crashed in.
Of all the fucking times for the fucking Sheloni to decide to send them out!
Bri rolled off the bed in such frantic haste that she sprawled on the floor. While Dansk scrambled to get his breeches and boots on, she ran around in frantic circles, dripping come, searching for her gown. She hadn’t put it on since she’d been thrown in with Dansk, and she couldn’t remember to save her life where she’d left it.
She’d just managed to grab it went a jolt went through from the collar. Gritting her teeth, she climbed into the thing as she hurried to catch up to Dansk, who’d paused in the door wait for her.
She’d only barely managed to get decently covered before she was shoved outside. The moment she glanced around and saw everyone else milling about, it dawned on her what she must look like. She and Dansk had just spent the last several hours mauling each other, and she knew everyone had only to look at her to know that was what had been interrupted by the ‘exercise’ buzzer. She could
feel
a trail of semen slowly winding its way down her leg!
Embarrassment didn’t begin to cover her feelings!
Her hair, no doubt, was standing on end.
She looked up at Dansk, fighting a hysterical urge to giggle, or burst into tears, or both. His own gaze was amused, slightly embarrassed, but sympathetic. “All right, baby,” he murmured reassuringly, trying to smooth the wild tangle of her hair with his hands.
It wasn’t all right, though. She could see people glancing toward them. It was ridiculous to feel so embarrassed and awkward, she berated herself. Everyone else was in the same position she was. All of them had been put out to breed, but the humiliation of being on public display, knowing she looked liked she’d just been fucked silly, wasn’t something she could calmly dismiss.
Catching her shoulders, Dansk walked her backwards until she was leaning against the wall of the habitat and then placed himself squarely between her and the vast majority of curious onlookers. Bri sent him a grateful smile. “I look bad!”
He shook his head, smiling back at her warmly. “Beautiful.”
Bri covered her face with her hands. “God! This is soooo embarrassing!”
Dansk peeled her fingers away from her face and leaned down to kiss her. Chuckling good naturedly when she ducked her head in embarrassment, he kissed the top of her head instead of her lips, which he’d been aiming at. “I did not know you were so bashful,” he murmured in his own tongue. “This is int ….”
She had no idea how he’d meant to finish the sentence. They were both distracted mid-word by a sound of such fury that it made the hairs stand up on the back of Bri’s neck. She and Dansk both whirled toward the sound.