Gambling With the Crown (13 page)

But he wasn’t hers. He had never been hers.

Emily kept her gaze on him even as he turned away and began to speak to the crowd. His voice boomed over their heads, echoed off the tiles and bounced to every corner of the giant room. She wished she knew what he said, but no one bothered to translate for her. She was already being marginalized.

When Kadir finished speaking, he did not look at her again. He simply walked away with his attendants at his side. Emily’s eyes filled with tears. It felt so final, but she comforted herself that this wasn’t quite the end yet. There was still his father’s funeral to get through, still a few stolen moments where she would see him.

Her chest ached. Would he come to their room tonight? Or were there more rituals he had to observe? She’d intended last night to be their one and only night together, but now she knew she would sell her soul for another. She tried not to think about what that meant for the person she’d become. She was not following her own pleasure down whatever destructive path it led.

This was different.
Different.

The pleasure she felt with Kadir was beautiful and right. She wouldn’t trade a moment of last night, not even for a heart that was unbroken and whole.

She started to trail after Kadir automatically, like a satellite drawn into his orbit, but a frowning man appeared in her path before she’d taken more than a few steps.

“You must return to your quarters, Your Highness.”

Emily wanted to argue with him, wanted to look down her nose and order him to take her to Kadir—what good was being a princess if you couldn’t order people around when you desperately needed to?—but she didn’t know if Kadir would welcome her right now. He had so much on his mind and she would not distract him from his duty.

Instead, she inclined her head and accepted an escort. But the servant did not show her to the suite of rooms she’d been sharing with Kadir before they’d gone to the oasis. He showed her to a different set of rooms, smaller, and she blinked in confusion.

When she turned around to ask the man why she’d been moved, he was gone. Her breath whooshed into her lungs in shallow pulls as she stood in the room and told herself not to panic. It was a mistake, that was all. She started throwing doors open. When she came to the closet, her clothes were not in it and she let out a shaky breath. She pivoted on her heel and started toward the door to find someone, to inform them of a mistake. The man who’d shown her to this room had clearly been wrong.

But then she ground to a halt at the sight of her suitcases nearby. She’d only traveled with one large suitcase and a carry-on, but there were two more cases sitting with the ones she recognized. She went over and picked one up. It was heavy, but she threw it on the nearest surface and ripped at the zipper.

Inside, the lovely clothes that Guido had dressed her in were packed with tissue. She ripped through the case, finding clothing, shoes and scarves. The next bag was also full, and the next. She tore them apart, sobbing like a maniac, until all the clothes were strewn across the furniture and floor.

Then she sank down on the carpet and beat her fist against the cushion of the nearest chair while she pressed her face into it and cried harder. She cried until her body ached, until her throat was raw, until she wanted to curl into a ball and go to sleep for days.

But then, the longer she sat there, as her tears leaked away, she got angry. Was this what her mother had done? Was this what sex and a dynamic lover had done to Rachel Bryant? Had she been so desperate for pleasure, for her lover’s touch, that she’d given up her pride and her dignity and followed him to her doom?

Emily shuddered. She was so close to being that kind of woman right now. She would do anything Kadir asked her. Anything for one more night with him. She sucked in a deep breath, determined to get control of herself. She’d spent years making herself into a serious, professional woman. She would not lose that person simply because Kadir had turned her world so completely upside down.

She got to her feet and went into the bathroom to wash her face. Her eyes were puffy and red and she laughed brokenly at her reflection. So pitiful. But then she stared at herself until her jaw hardened. She was done being pitiful. She’d made her choice and she’d had her blissful night with her former boss.

She would not allow it to break her. She was stronger than that. She’d made the decision and she would deal with the consequences. Life would go on. She’d entered the fire with Kadir and she’d been burned. But she would not let it consume her, because she was made of sterner stuff.

Emily finished washing up, changed into a fresh dress and heels, and then she carefully repacked everything she’d strewn across the room. When it was done, when she believed that she was ready for anything, she sat down to wait for whatever came next.

When a man appeared some time later, holding a sheaf of papers, her heart sped up. But she refused to betray herself. She simply sat and waited. Whatever happened, she could handle it.

But she was not quite as prepared as she’d believed. She’d thought a heart could only break once. She discovered she was tragically mistaken. Apparently, a heart could shatter into a million pieces even after it had already done so.

“The king has signed the divorce decree, madam,” the man said, bowing low. “You will be taken to the airport now.”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

K
ADIR
NO
LONGER
heard what was being said to him. He’d tuned out hours ago. All he could think of was Emily. Last night with her, he’d felt things he’d never felt in his life. He kept telling himself it was the situation, the fact his life was changing so drastically, but hours after he’d signed the divorce decree, he didn’t feel any better.

He couldn’t stop thinking about what it had felt like to make love to Emily. He never did this. He never spent his day thinking about the woman he’d been with the night before. Sex was like eating—you ate when you were hungry but you did not think about food after you’d had breakfast. You thought about food when it was time for lunch, but not every second in between.

But it was more than sex. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way she sighed in his arms, the way she felt curled up against him. He traveled back over the last four years together and realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about any of it. Emily had always been there, notebook in hand, ready to organize his life and take care of what needed to be taken care of.

He’d asked a lot of her. Too much sometimes. She’d dealt with his schedule, his romances, his arrogance, and she’d never once failed him. He’d pushed her hard over the years. When she’d finally opened up and pushed back, he’d found himself wishing she’d gone head-to-head with him a long time ago.

He missed her. Dreadfully. She was his best friend and he’d sent her away.

He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples to ward off the headache threatening to crash down on him. Maybe he should have kept her and to hell with the council. She was his wife—
had been
his wife—and he needed a queen. But she hadn’t signed on for a permanent job and he had no right to ask her to give up everything to stay in Kyr.

Besides, one blissful night together did not add up to a lifetime commitment. He should know that better than anyone. He wasn’t a long-term kind of guy. He never had been.

If only he had more time with her, he would find out what this feeling was that had him turned upside down. He would discover the secret to why he felt so desolate over her absence. And then maybe he could conquer it.

She would be on the plane now. In the sky, flying back to Chicago. Away from him. Kadir clenched a fist as his chest grew unbearably tight.

“Enough,” he said, standing abruptly. The functionary who had been speaking stuttered to a halt. And then he dropped to his knees. They all did.

Kadir looked out over the room and gritted his teeth. This was his fate. His destiny. He had no right to walk away from it. He would not walk away from it. But he would walk away right now, because he needed to be alone. That much they could give him.

“We will discuss the coronation later. Surely it can wait a few more hours. King Zaid isn’t even buried yet, and I am tired.”

He was already moving toward the door when the room murmured agreement. He burst out into the cool, dark hallway and started toward his room. The palace rippled around him like a giant wave, people sinking to their knees as he passed. He did not speak to anyone. When he reached his room, a guard opened the door and Kadir went inside. He didn’t even get the satisfaction of slamming it because the guard tugged it closed again.

The room was strangely empty. Lonely. He went to the closet and yanked it open, knowing what he would find. Emily’s clothes were gone because Emily was gone. He’d ordered it done because he’d thought it was like ripping off a bandage. Do it quick to minimize the pain.

It was, surprisingly, nothing like ripping off a bandage. It was more like digging a sharp knife into his chest and carving out his heart very, very slowly. She was gone because he’d ordered her gone. And she wasn’t coming back.

It was what he deserved. What he had to live with.

He went into the private courtyard and stood gazing up at the slice of sky visible above the rooftop. This was his life now. Gazing at freedom and never having it. Giving up everything he’d ever wanted in order to do what he had to do.

If he’d been a better son, a better brother...
No.
Kadir sucked in a deep breath and told himself to stop. There was nothing he could have done differently to make his father and his brother like each other more. Or like him more.

“
Salaam,
brother.”

Kadir whirled to find Rashid standing in the door to the courtyard. It was so unexpected that he did not know what to say at first. But Rashid looked tired and worn, so Kadir held his anger in check.

“I thought you were not coming.”

Rashid came forward. He was still wearing western clothing: jeans and a button-down shirt. He looked a little foreign, a little out of place. A little bit lost.

“I wasn’t.” He shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Or not right away. I thought he was manipulating us, as usual. And I wasn’t going to dance to his tune.”

So stubborn, even to the end. Fury roiled inside Kadir’s gut. “I tried to call you. If you’d taken the calls, you would have known it was bad.”

“I shut off the phone for a few days. I needed to think.”

Kadir dragged an irritated breath into his lungs. “And now you’ve emerged to find our father dead and me preparing for a coronation. If you had only come, Rashid. We could have worked this out.”

Rashid’s laugh was bitter. “Worked what out? He was always going to choose you. There was never any question. I’m not sure he ever really liked either one of us, but he found you less objectionable than I.”

Kadir’s jaw was tight. He was furious, but not faultless. “I’m sorry for my part in making that so.”

Rashid frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“When we were kids. The horses. The dog. The hawk. All of it. Everything I ever did that you were blamed for. I confessed my crimes long ago. But I waited too late, I suppose. You were grown and gone by then.”

Rashid went over and perched on the edge of one of the chairs ringing the courtyard. “Kadir.” He shook his head sadly. “You thought you were the reason he disliked me so intensely? All this time, you thought that?”

“I was not a good brother.”

“You were,” Rashid said fiercely. “You are five years younger and you were much smaller than I was back then—did you really think our father did not know who did which things? He had spies, Kadir. Many of them. He always knew the truth.”

Kadir felt as if his legs were suddenly made of concrete. He couldn’t move. “Then why...?”

Rashid raked a hand through his hair. He didn’t speak for a long moment. But then, when he did, Kadir was stunned.

“My mother. She was promised to another when our father took her to his bed. He married her—but then he married another soon after, and she was furious. When I was born, she swore to him that I was her lover’s child.” His eyes were piercing as he looked up then. “I am not, by the way. But DNA testing was not something our father would submit to then. When I was old enough, I did it myself.”

Kadir could only blink. He’d never imagined... “We have different mothers, but we look alike. We look like him. Surely he could see that.”

“Everyone could. But he was stubborn, and my mother was, too. They despised each other. She went to her grave claiming I was another man’s son. Though not, of course, to anyone but him. I only knew because I overheard them fighting once when I was twelve.”

Kadir swallowed. All this time, he’d thought he was to blame for the rift between his father and Rashid. But how could his childish antics have created a fracture so deep? He’d always wondered, but then he’d reasoned it was not up to him to figure out why. It just was. And he’d felt guilty for it.

But now Rashid was telling him it was never his fault, and he didn’t quite know how to process it. “Why did you never tell me?”

“I should have.”

“Yes, you should have.” Anger bubbled up inside him, a well that was deep and strong and had been capped for far too long. “I’ve blamed myself for most of our lives. And now, when you should have been here to take your place, to make things right again, you would not come.”

Rashid shook his head. “It’s not my place, Kadir. It’s yours. He wanted you to rule, not me.”

Kadir’s body was on fire with fury. He’d sacrificed so much just to get to this moment. He’d let Emily go. He’d sent her away, and now when he might have her back again, when he might have his life back, Rashid was determined to play the martyr one more time.

“Yet our father is gone, and the council has the power to decide. We will tell them what we want, and you will take the throne.”

Rashid got to his feet. “No, Kadir. I came for the funeral. But you are the king of Kyr.”

Bitterness flooded Kadir then, hot and sharp and metallic. “You would deny your heritage simply to win some kind of fight with a dead man? Or are you frightened to take the throne? Scared that everything he thought about you was right? That you will be a poor king after all?”

Rashid’s eyes flashed. And then he growled. “If you were not my brother...”

Kadir laughed harshly. “Your brother? What does that matter? I am your
king,
Rashid al-Hassan. And I command you leave my presence immediately.”

Rashid’s face turned an interesting shade of red. His mouth worked. But he spun on his heel without saying a word and stalked from the courtyard.

Kadir stayed for a long time, thinking and raging inside while he paced back and forth. He was not to blame for his father and Rashid’s relationship. It was a revelation, and yet on some level he had always known he was not at fault. He just hadn’t known what
else
could be the problem, so he’d blamed himself.

He’d tried to bring them together at the end, but for selfish reasons. He did not want to be king of Kyr. He did not want his life to change so drastically, nor did he want the guilt of taking Rashid’s birthright.

But he was through feeling sorry for himself. Through thinking he was stealing something that did not belong to him. If Rashid wasn’t prepared to step up and do his duty, then Kadir would. Emily had told him he would be a good king.

Emily.
Thinking her name sent a shard of longing deep into his soul. She made him feel like a normal man, not a prince, not a king, not a playboy. With her, he could be himself. He’d given her plenty of reasons to walk out on him in the past, but she never had. She’d stayed and done her job.

She’d finally left him, but only because he’d sent her away.
He’d sent her away.

Cold fear washed over Kadir as he stood in the Kyrian heat. Emily was gone and he was truly alone. She was the only person who
knew
him. Without her, he would no longer be a man.

He would be a king. A ruler. A potentate.

He would have to close his feelings up and keep them locked away. He would have no one to share a laugh with, no one to tease him about his magic mattress or his giant ego. No one to chide him for his arrogance or gaze at him with disapproval when he needed it.

No one to love him.

Kadir’s chest hurt so much he had to sit down. He dropped onto the cushions and sat there with his head forward, breathing in against the pain that he thought must surely tear him in two.

It was a physical pain, yes, but it was more than that. It stemmed from the chaos in his head, his heart. His skin felt tight, his brain whirled and a wave of anguish formed into a ball in his gut, pressing hard upward. He held it back as long as he could.

And then it erupted from him in a harsh cry that rang through the courtyard and floated into the sky above.

He was a fool! Such a fool. She loved him and he’d sent her away.

Palace guards burst into the courtyard then and Kadir shot up from his seat.

“Your Majesty,” one man said as they all bowed low. “We feared for your safety.”

His safety? Kadir feared for his sanity if he did not act now. He snatched up his mobile phone and prayed he was not too late as he punched in the number that would connect him to his plane.

* * *

Emily was numb. She’d been numb since the moment the man in palace robes had told her that Kadir signed the divorce decree. And then she remained numb as she was ferried to the airport, as she climbed on board Kadir’s private jet and waited to depart. But they didn’t depart.

Instead, they deplaned and she had to spend time in a private lounge while they waited for a sandstorm to pass before the airport could be reopened. Finally, someone came and touched her elbow and she looked up to find one of the flight attendants whom she knew from before she’d married Kadir telling her she could board now. The airport was open and they had clearance to fly.

Emily took her seat and strapped herself in. She shook her head when asked if she wanted a beverage. She slid the window shut so she wouldn’t have to look at the harsh desert beauty of Kyr for another minute. So she wouldn’t have to remember what it was like to spend the night in a tent with Kadir.

But closing the window didn’t do a damn thing to help her forget. She closed her eyes and saw Kadir’s naked body again. She thought that if she just reached out, she could touch all that smooth, beautiful skin.

Oh, she was such a fool. She’d agreed to marry him in order to help him out, in order to get the money to pay for her father’s hospital bills and move him to a warmer climate. She’d thought it would be so easy. Just wear the clothes and play the part and soon it would be over.

It was not over. It would never be over in her heart. She’d fallen in love with him. Emily dragged in a shaky breath. Dammit. How could she ever forget Kadir al-Hassan? She’d spent four years with him, and though he’d made her so angry for much of that time, she’d realized that she wouldn’t have been half so incensed with him if she hadn’t cared about him.

The plane began to move and Emily sucked back the tears that threatened to spill free. This was it. She was leaving Kyr forever, leaving Kadir. She would go home to Chicago, sell her father’s house and move him to Florida, and then she would find another job. Maybe one day she would find another man.