Frozen Barriers (25 page)

So, that’s what this feeling is. It’s my heart breaking all over again. She’s fuckin’ leaving me. I tell her I love her, and I’m fighting for her no matter how hard I know our relationship will be, and she’s leaving after next Sunday’s home opener. She has to feel something; she wouldn’t have just given up her most prized possession to me if she didn’t. Something’s not right in all of this. I don’t even realize I’m on my knees in front of her. Standing, I search her eyes for any sign that she’s not really leaving me. There’s nothing there to tell me otherwise.

Pacing in front of her now, not knowing what words to say, I catch a glimpse of her grabbing for her underwear on the floor. She’s quickly putting them on, nearly toppling over as she frantically throws her legs into her thong. She makes it across my room to grab her folded clothes off the dresser. Where the hell does she think she’s going? I just confessed I love her, and she’s seriously going to leave me, right here and now. She couldn’t even respond to my question. No, I just got the words “I’m leaving.” Why wait until after my game next week if she doesn’t feel what I feel for her? Shaking my head as I pull at my hair, I know I need answers. This is ridiculous, and none of it makes sense.

Finding my voice again as she’s standing in the doorway with her back to me, I ask, “Tell me something, Emily. Was it worth it? Was it worth giving up your virginity to me, knowing damn well how I feel about you, only to leave in the end again?” I walk toward her, her back still turned to me. I lean down beside her ear, pushing some of her hair out of the way before I whisper, “Why won’t you fight for this? What’s holding you back from taking a chance? I thought you were stronger than this, Emily. I guess I was wrong.” She flinches as I punch the wall with my fist before moving back to make my way around her because I can’t deal with this right now.

I’m almost through the door when I feel her hand reach out and grab my arm, turning me back around to face her. Tears are rolling down her face. Her chest pulsates as the sobs wreak havoc on her body. She drops her clothes onto the floor as her other hand covers her mouth before she looks up at me. Her eyes are etched in pain as she shakes her head at me. I want to wrap her in my arms and comfort her, but I can’t. My mind relives how I felt after high school with her. How’s that phrase go?
Burn me once…

Making my way to the kitchen, I grab a beer from the fridge. Twisting off the cap, I take a long pull from the cold bottle as I stare out the window overlooking the backyard, watching everyone still out there laughing and having fun. My parents are sitting around the fire pit on the loveseat holding hands, laughing as Dad says something to Mom. Running my hand through my hair, I wonder how the hell this night has gone to shit so fast. Oh, that’s right. I confessed my love to a girl who I allowed my heart to open to a second time.

Hearing movement behind me, I turn to see Emily standing there fully dressed. She tosses her bag from her shoulder to the floor. She’s no longer crying. If anything, she looks pissed. Why is she pissed at me? Storming over to me, she grabs my beer from my hand and chugs the rest of it before placing it forcefully onto the counter. What the hell?

“You think I’m not taking chances? That I’m not fighting? I’m fighting everything in my body at the moment not to tell you to go fuck yourself.”
Whoa! Where did she pull that from?
Before I can reach my arms out to calm her, she continues, “For saying that having sex with you was me saying goodbye. Would I have ever asked you to make
love
to me and not think for once I might actually have feelings? I fucking love you, Jeremy! Is that what you wanted to hear before you tried to make me feel like shit in there? It’s not that I’m leaving you. I’m leaving for my skating competitions next Monday. I’ll be gone for three weeks. The same friggin’ three weeks you’ll be on the road with the Monarchs. I’m scared shitless because I have no idea how to make this work until we get back. More than anything, I’m scared of losing you. It seems I already did since it appears you’re not willing to fight for us either.”

Making her way back to her bag, she picks it up and tosses it over her shoulder. As she walks toward the door to leave, I run over to her just as she has it partly opened, slamming it shut with my palm. I turn and face her head on. “Sit!” I yell.

Startled with the authority in my voice, Emily stammers back to the living room. “What are you going to do, Jeremy? Tell me that a month apart with hardly any contact after having one date and going out for a week is going to work? How?”

“Emily! Stop! Just stop making excuses that you think will justify you walking out that door. Were you honest just then when you said you loved me? Don’t lie.” Tears build up again in her eyes as she nods yes. “Then, why are you trying to run away? Why do you think it won’t work with us before this even happens? Yeah, it’s scary, and this is new for both of us, but we try. You. Me. Together, we fuckin’ try because I love you, and you love me. Got it? We’ll be working on our communication skills after this too, so this…” I point my finger between her and me, “…this doesn’t happen again.” I make my way to the bedroom with quick strides. Before walking in, I turn back to the living room and stare into Emily’s eyes. “Are you coming?” I ask her. Slowly standing and walking toward me, she stammers, “Jeremy, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about leaving sooner, or that I didn’t explain properly. I didn’t know how you’d take it. Then, you told me you loved me, and I didn’t know how to tell…” My lips crush hers at that instant, cutting her off from her thoughts. Breaking my fevered kiss, I hold her hand as I bring her back into my bedroom. “What are you doing?” she asks as she follows me.

“Now that you’ve finally admitted you love me, I’m going to spend the next several hours making sure you know just how much love I’ve got to give you.”

Jeremy and I basically went from having our most intimate experience sexually to having a huge fight to make-up sex all in the same night. In the end, though, after several hours of touching, caressing, and more orgasms than I can remember, I can honestly say I’ve become well educated on the many levels of sexual positions, and now I’m ready to fall asleep in Jeremy’s arms. He has begged me to stay the night with him, and as much as I want to wake up in the strong, tender arms of the man I’ve grown to love so much, I know I can’t. We take a long shower, and I inform him that I have to get back home since I have practice in Boston early in the morning. Jeremy also has hockey practice early and then an exhibition game in Worcester on Monday afternoon against the Sharks.

This is how it is for the entire week. I train, he practices, and we hardly have time to talk on the phone, let alone actually see each other. I have to keep telling myself that despite all this distance, I have to try, if not for myself, for him. Easier said than done. I haven’t even left for Denver yet, and already I have a sense of unease heading into Sunday’s home opener.

Jeremy must keep in touch with Sue and Courtney because they have not left me alone for one minute of my free time. Since it’s Friday afternoon, Jeremy is at his first game of the season. Courtney called earlier and said I was going with her to Sue’s studio for a workout. After complaining and saying I was too busy, she saw right through me, and before I knew it, it was time to leave. I am going to learn how to climb a stripper pole. Can you see my mother’s face? The look of horror if that image ever leaked the front page of the
Globe
? I can see the headline now, “Figure Skating Star Trades Ice Skates for Stripper Poles.”

We have a lot of fun despite my initial reserve. Come to find out, pole fitness is actually really hard. Sue teaches me a few of the basic moves while Courtney is already well versed in working the pole. I know that sounds so crazy, right? Pole dancing for working out with clothes on? Imagine the concept! After about an hour in Sue’s studio, my arms are shot, and I’ve done more fireman spins than I know what to do with. It turns out I actually have a knack for this, and the girls can’t believe I am already doing death drops from the top of the pole in such a short time.

We sit in the studio floor for a couple of hours after that, just hanging out and having a few bottles of wine. Sue cranks Grace Potter over the speaker as we talk and laugh about everything. Without martinis involved, it turns out I can be social. Who would have thought?

Courtney and I manage to get Sue to talk about what is going on with her and Dave. As it turns out, Dave is a fairly decent guy. He may come off as a cocky jerk sometimes, but he really wants to do right by Sue. She wasn’t sure if she was going to say yes when he asked her out after Sunday dinner, simply because it is Dave, and he is good friends with Josh. She doesn’t want to flaunt her relationship with Dave in front of Josh, and I understand her reasoning. She also informs us that Dave was supposed to talk to Josh that night. I must have been otherwise occupied and missed that exchange.

It doesn’t take long for the girls to figure out that I had sex with Jeremy. Courtney tells me Jeremy wasn’t his typically brooding ass after practice on Monday, and when she cornered him, he caved. Then, of course, Dave found out and told Sue. How my life has gone from lonely solitude to being thrown into this pile of chaos, I’ll never know. What I do know is I’m having fun just actually living life, laughing and finally experiencing things I’ve missed out on for so many years. It still sucks that it’s not perfect, given the amount of training I still have to put in, but it’s moving in a better direction.

It’s Sunday morning, the day of Jeremy’s home opener. I packed all my skating gear last night as I talked to him on speakerphone at my apartment. He asked me about my night out with the girls at Sue’s studio. I told him he’d see the evidence of the brutal attack when he picked me up Sunday. I’m just glad I don’t have to wear my skating costume before Thursday since I have bruises all over my calves and forearms. My mother would be livid. Plus, to others, it might appear I’ve been manhandled. Of course, I told Jeremy he would be handling me after the game in an entirely different way.

The weather has changed slightly this past week. Heading into October, the leaves are starting to change, and the nights remind us that summer is gone, and winter is just around the corner. Winter. To me, winter is the devil, sneaking his ugly face in here and turning my life upside down for about four months. It is the Grand Prix, Nationals, Worlds, endorsements, scores, cameras, fake smiles, and let’s not forget, appearances. To say I hate winter is being nice, but at least I get paid.

Sitting outside on the balcony on my chaise lounge, I begin a new novel on my e-reader. After reading this story, I may try picking up a British accent and start calling Jeremy “My Lord
.
” He still wonders how I became so well versed in my sexual nature. If he picked up my e-reader and read any of the books I have on it, he’d know easily.

A few minutes later, I hear his truck pulling into the driveway. I told him I could drive myself, but he said we’d be hanging out after the game at one of the pubs near the arena. Shutting off my e-reader, I stand and head over to the railing as I look down at him getting out of his truck. As he stands there with his hands in his pockets staring up at me, I feel as though I’m in a scene from a Shakespearean play.