Ethan looked startled. ‘Do you not want me to handcuff you?’
‘No.’
‘Oh.’ He frowned. ‘Wait – do you really not want me to or is this part of the—’
‘What part of “no” do you not understand?’
‘Oh shit!’ he said, slapping a hand to his forehead. ‘I forgot to give you safe words. I’m such an idiot.’
‘What do I need safe words for?’
‘You know, so you can tell me if you want me to stop – like, red means stop, green means go.’
‘Haven’t you
ever heard the expression, “No means no”?’
‘But it doesn’t always, does it? I don’t know if you mean it or if it’s part of the scene. That’s why we need the safe words.’
‘Believe me, when I say no, I mean no.’
‘You really don’t want me to … force you?’
‘No.’
‘And you’re not just saying that because you want me to whip you or something?’
‘Jesus! No. Or red. Whatever will make this stop, okay? I’m naked here, Ethan!’ She was starting to feel upset. This was not how she had seen tonight panning out at all.
‘I know,’ he said, looking at her longingly, ‘and you look so gorgeous. I wish we could just—’ He sighed, putting his hands on his hips. ‘This isn’t working, is it?’
‘What exactly is it you’re trying to do?’
‘I’m trying to, you know, turn you on.’
‘Oh!’ She resisted the urge to burst out laughing. ‘Well, in that case, no, it’s definitely not working.’
He hung his head despondently. ‘I told you I couldn’t be what you want me to be.’
‘You think I want you to be some … weirdo with a spanking fetish?’
‘Well, yeah. Basically.’
‘Oh!’
‘Not that I’m saying it’s weird. I mean, whatever you’re into, it’s fine. It’s just … not my thing.’
‘Well, it’s not my thing either,’ she said indignantly.
‘Romy, I know you’re into this kinky stuff – and I don’t mean that in a judgemental way. But I just can’t do it. I mean, I couldn’t even get through this bit, and I’m sorry, but I
really
don’t want to hit you.’
‘Good. That makes two of us.’
‘Really?’ He
frowned. ‘Oh!’ he said, his eyes widening. ‘Do you want to be the one in charge? You could hit me!’ he said, like it was a really bright idea.
‘You want me to hit you?’ she asked, biting her cheek to stop herself laughing. ‘With a riding crop?’
‘Well … no, not really,’ he admitted. ‘But I’d prefer it to hitting you.’
‘These are the options?’
He raked a hand through his hair agitatedly. ‘I don’t know – maybe there’s a class I can take or something.’
‘Really? You’d do that for me?’
He hesitated. ‘I wouldn’t have to … wear one of those leather masks, would I? You know, with a zip on the mouth? Only I’m a bit claustrophobic.’
‘Okay, no gimp masks then. How do you feel about being with another man?’
‘Wh— what?’ He gulped. ‘Um, I don’t really think …’ He rubbed the back of his neck fretfully, looking pained.
‘Oh my God, you’re adorable,’ Romy said, rushing over to him and throwing her arms around him. She suddenly felt very aware that she was naked while he was fully dressed. ‘Do you mind if I put my clothes back on? I feel at a bit of a disadvantage here.’
‘No, of course not,’ he said, still looking utterly miserable. Then he turned and stood with his back to her. Everything felt weird and awkward. He was treating her with the polite deference of a virtual stranger, turning away to give her privacy while she dressed, as if they hadn’t seen each other naked countless times.
‘Okay, I’m decent,’ she said when she had pulled on her clothes. He turned around as she was pulling her hair out of the collar of her dress, shaking it loose. He looked heartbroken.
‘Would you like me to call you a cab?’
‘No!’ she
gasped, horrified. ‘You want me to leave?’
‘No. But I didn’t think you’d want to stay. Not after …’ He trailed off, unable to meet her eyes.
She put a hand to his face, forcing him to look at her. ‘I think we need to talk.’
He nodded and she led him back to the bed, sitting down on the side of it and pulling him down beside her.
‘Were you drinking before I got here?’ she asked, smelling the whiskey fumes on his breath.
‘Yeah. I thought it might help.’
‘Well, you could have got
me
one. I was stone cold sober through all that.’
‘I’m sorry I was such a disaster,’ he said.
‘Ethan, I’m not into any of this … S&M stuff. Honestly.’
‘You’re not?’
‘No, not at all.’
‘Oh, God. Sorry.’ He buried his head in his hands. ‘You must think I’m an awful pervert, saying those things to you – and trying to make you—’ he broke off with a whimper.
‘I don’t,’ she said, prising his hands away. ‘I think you’re incredibly sweet for trying to do that for me because you thought it was what I wanted – even though you obviously hated it.’
She was finally rewarded with a crooked smile. ‘You could tell I wasn’t enjoying myself?’
She grinned. ‘You looked like you were going to have a seizure. You have to be the worst dominant in the world ever!’
‘Well, I think I can live with that.’
‘But what made you think
I
was into it?’
‘Kit told me.’
‘Kit, really?’
She eyed the riding crop on the bed. She wasn’t normally a violent person, but if Kit was here right now …
‘He said you
got pregnant with Luke after some orgy where everyone was wearing masks and blindfolds.’
‘Oh!’ She laughed. ‘That’s not true. Well, it’s true that everyone was wearing masks – but that’s because it was a Hallowe’en party.’
‘And he said you had all these books in your apartment, and May told him you were taking lessons from her about how to do this stuff.’
‘They got the wrong end of the stick about something, that’s all.’
‘It wasn’t just them, though,’ he said, looking at her anxiously. ‘You know I used to use your computer sometimes when I was staying at your place, and I saw all that stuff you had on it.’
‘What stuff?’
‘All the websites and blogs about BDSM that you had in your favourites.’
‘Oh, I’d forgotten about those.’
‘And I found your box of toys in the wardrobe. I wasn’t snooping. You’d asked me to get your slippers, and they were just there.’
‘Oh, God!’
May’s toys – she’d forgotten they were there. She finally couldn’t hold it in any longer and she fell back onto the bed, collapsing in giggles, her whole body shaking, tears streaming down her cheeks.
‘Romy?’
‘Sorry!’ she said, wiping her eyes and pulling him down beside her.
‘It’s not funny. That was horrible. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.’
‘Aw, come here.’ Romy pulled him into her arms, stroking his hair soothingly. ‘It’s okay now. You’ll never have to do that again.’
‘It was
worse than the time I had to be in the school play,’ he said piteously.
‘What was the play?’ She thought if they talked about other things it might help take his mind off his recent trauma.
‘The Nativity.’
‘Did you have a big part? Even then?’ she asked, giggling at her own joke.
‘Not really. I was just a wise man.’
‘Oh, I bet you were cute. Did you wear dressing gowns?’
‘Yeah. And white tea-towels on our heads. Except mine was pink, of course.’
‘Obviously. So what did you have to do – point to the star?’
‘No. That was one of the other wise guys.’
‘Or say, “Please accept this gift of frankincense”?’
He shook his head. ‘I brought myrrh. What is myrrh anyway?’
‘I have no idea.’
‘Anyway, I didn’t have to speak. I just had to hand over my present, and then kneel down and look awestruck.’
‘Well, that doesn’t sound too bad.’
‘God, I hated it. I kept trying to hide behind one of the other kids.’
‘That must have been hard. Or did you not get tall until later?’
‘No, I was one of the tallest in the class. I crouched.’
Romy giggled.
‘Mom and Dad came to see me in it,’ he said, smiling, ‘and they tried to get their money back.’
‘They did not!’
‘Romy,’ he said after a silence, ‘if you’re not into all this, why were you taking lessons from May?’
‘I was just being polite.’
He raised his eyebrows.
‘It’s a
long story – I’ll explain it all to you later.’
‘And why did you ask me if I could be with another man?’
She smiled guiltily. ‘I was just winding you up.’
‘That was mean.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Ethan, when you said you didn’t know if you could have the kind of relationship I wanted, is this what you meant?’
‘Yeah. I thought you needed the S&M stuff. I mean, you always seemed happy with … what we did. But I thought it wasn’t going to be enough for you in the end. May said if it’s in your nature you’d never be satisfied with—’
‘You’ve been talking to May?’
‘Where do you think I got the ideas for tonight?’
‘Oh my God, May gave you notes, didn’t she?’ Romy said, jumping off the bed and racing to the living room. Ethan chased her, but she got there before him, snatching the sheaf of A4 from the coffee table and dodging him as he tried to grab it from her. She ran back to the bedroom and threw herself on the bed, flicking through the pages, and Ethan lay back down beside her.
‘You changed the script. You were supposed to say, “You may have the honour of my cock”.’
‘Yeah, well, I put it in my own words.’
‘You took it and made it your own. That’s nice.’
She turned the page. ‘Wow! I’m glad you didn’t start with this one, ’she said, pointing to another of May’s suggested scenes. ‘I thought the whole “suck my cock” scenario was bad, but you were letting me off lightly.’
‘Yeah,’ Ethan said, grinning. ‘I don’t think I’d ever have got up the nerve for that one.’
‘And I don’t even know what’s going on here,’ she said, frowning at an illustration.
‘You’re holding it the wrong way up.’
She
turned the page around. ‘Oh!’
He snatched the bundle of paper from her hand and tossed it on the floor. ‘Romy?’
‘Yeah?’
‘What did you think I meant?’
‘I thought you were afraid of commitment – that you didn’t want to be tied down with me.’
He gasped, reaching out to stroke the side of her face. ‘Romy, I love you. You know that, right?’
She nodded. She did know that. She could feel it. But it was still nice to hear.
‘I think you’re spectacular.’
‘Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever been called spectacular before.’ She grinned.
‘I’d love nothing more than to be tied down with you. I just don’t want to get tied
up
with you.’
‘I love you so much,’ she whispered as he leaned over to kiss her, pressing her into the bed. She felt something hard digging into her back and she groped around behind her, pulling out her present.
‘What am I going to do with this?’ she said, looking at him teasingly.
‘You could take up riding.’
‘Or I could whip you if you’ve been a naughty boy.’ She giggled, but Ethan looked pained.
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I can’t joke about it.’
‘Too soon?’
He nodded. ‘Maybe never.’ He took it from her. ‘I’ll take it back and get you something else.’
‘No!’ she said, grabbing it out of his hand. ‘It was a present. You can’t take it back.’
‘You don’t really want it, do you? What will you do with a riding crop?’
‘It has
sentimental value. Maybe I’ll have it framed. It’ll be a reminder of how far you were willing to go to please me.’
‘I want to make it my life’s mission to please you,’ he said, pulling her to him.
‘Well, lucky for you, I’m very easily pleased.’
‘Well, this
is lovely,’ Marian said the following Sunday evening as Romy showed her around Ethan’s apartment.
‘Ignore the mess,’ she said, as she opened the door to the bedroom, where packing boxes still littered the floor. Ethan still hadn’t got around to sorting through them – but that was largely because he had spent most of his spare time in bed with her, so she wasn’t about to complain.
She opened the door to the second bedroom softly and they both tiptoed to the side of the cot where Luke was sleeping. They spent a few minutes in silent adoration, watching him breathe, before creeping out again.
Back in the kitchen, Ethan was stirring sauce on the hob.