Authors: Kirsty Moseley
“Knock, knock?”
I looked up quickly, seeing Alex peeking in through the
door, obviously waiting for permission to enter.
Seeing his face seemed to snap me out of the self-pitying
horror that I’d seeped into. A smile twitched at the corner of my mouth as I
waved him in. As he pushed the door open I saw my mom in full sob mode behind
him. She practically pushed my twin out of the way as she ran for the bed,
engulfing me in a hug that I so desperately needed. I wrapped my arms around
her, put my head in the crook of her neck and felt myself relax into her as
fresh tears started to fall.
Doctors came and went fairly regularly. No one really spoke
about Luke or the car. Mostly Alex blabbered about random stuff, made jokes
about hospital food and how nice and quiet it was at home without me. I almost
believed him when he said that he didn’t want me home, until I realised that he
hadn’t let go of my hand for almost an hour.
Just as I started to get tired there was a knock at the door
and a doctor peered in. Everyone looked up but he caught my dad’s attention and
motioned with his head for him to go outside. Dad stood up. “Maybe I have to
settle the bill?” he joked, shrugging and winking at me as he walked out of the
door.
“What’s that about?” Alex asked, watching over his shoulder
as if he could somehow hear the conversation if he focussed enough.
Mom shrugged. “Probably arranging a time when we can get
your sister home. Maybe they need the bed for someone else?” she suggested.
A minute later and the door opened again. Dad stepped back
in, closing the door softly behind him. He looked a little apprehensive, his
eyes were tight. He didn’t look too happy about whatever had gone on. “Maisie,
the police are here to ask you a few questions about the crash. Do you feel up
to it or should I ask them to come back tomorrow?” Dad asked, cocking his head
to the side and regarding me worriedly.
I gulped. This was it. Now I had to decide, and I still
wasn’t sure what to do.
“Um… I’m fine,” I answered. My palms started to sweat almost
instantly so I dropped Alex’s hand and wiped them on the sheets as I shifted
awkwardly on the bed, trying to get comfortable.
Dad nodded and turned back to the door, pulling it open and
motioning someone inside. DI Neeson stepped into the room and my back instantly
straightened from the shock of seeing her here, causing pain to zap across my
rips. I let out a little involuntary yelp and gritted my teeth as my mom sprang
out of her chair and gripped my arm with wide eyes.
“I’m fine. Just moved too quickly,” I croaked through
gritted teeth. The pain slowly receded again and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Mom nodded, still watching me with frightened eyes as she let go of my arm and
stepped away from the bed. I looked back to DI Neeson, unsure why I was so
shocked to see her here. She probably got assigned this case because she was
the lead investigator for the harassment and murder case, and it was me, yet
again, that was involved in something. “Hi,” I muttered.
She smiled sadly. “Hi, Maisie, how are you doing?”
I shrugged but then wished I hadn’t as another bout of pain
swiftly followed the movement. “Okay I guess.” That was the best I could come
up with.
She nodded, coming over to the side of the bed and pulling
out her notepad and pen. “I need to get your statement about what happened on
the day of the crash.” She looked almost apologetic, as if she didn’t really
want to be here harassing me after everything that I’d been through. “I know
it’s probably hard for you to talk about, but I need to get your statement.”
I gulped, looking around at the faces of my family. They
were all standing there, watching me, waiting for me to say the words. This was
it. Truth or lie time. Truth and I crush people’s memories irrevocably, lie and
people get to keep their opinions of Luke untarnished.
I looked back to DI Neeson. “What happened?” she asked, her
pen poised over a fresh sheet of paper in her notebook.
I looked up into her inquisitive eyes and fought with
myself. I had a choice; did anyone really have to know? What difference did it
make now that he was dead? What was the point in leaving people with sour
feelings for Luke? How were his parents supposed to grieve? Would they blame
themselves for leaving him so much? No good could come from telling the truth,
surely.
“Maisie, can you tell me what happened on the bridge?” DI
Neeson repeated her question and I made up my mind.
“Luke lost control of the car. It was an accident.” As soon
as I said the words I knew I’d made the right choice. I wouldn’t have to look
his parents and friends in the eye and see that hurt and devastation there.
This knowledge and pain was my cross to bear, no one else’s.
I stood in the centre of my room, looking around at the
emptiness of it. I’d never seen it this bare before. This had been my room ever
since I was a baby so seeing it like this now was a little weird. The room
seemed smaller somehow without my stuff lying around. I turned in a small
circle, looking at the naked window because even my drapes had been removed.
The walls were dotted with marks where I’d had posters and photos stuck up
there. My parents would have to redecorate by the look of it.
Six weeks had passed since the incident with the bridge. The
time had taken forever to pass. Every day felt like an age, small things were
so much effort as I struggled not to fall into depression. Luke’s funeral had
just about killed me inside. It was the hardest thing I had ever done - saying
goodbye to the person I thought I would have forever. The service had been
lovely, with people saying beautiful things about him and how much he would be
missed. I hadn’t spoken. I’d just sat there, dying inside as they lowered his
body into the ground. After, I’d sat at his grave for almost an hour, going
over and over things, memories, promises, things he’d said to me, plans we’d
made. It had torn me apart inside all over again. When it had started to get
dark, my brother had ended up carrying me away from his grave because I didn’t
want to leave Luke on his own.
I’d only been to his grave once since then. I’d given him a
bunch of daisies, and sat down with him apologising over and over for not
noticing how insecure he was and how starved he was for attention. His clinging
to me after we’d broken up was an act of desperation, I saw that now, and I
hated that I’d not just forgiven him earlier so that he hadn’t felt the need to
resort to those things. Maybe if I’d forgiven him earlier then he’d still be
alive right now and we’d be leaving together. Those thoughts haunted me when I
was both awake and asleep. In a way, I’d kind of killed him by not forgiving
him earlier.
Of course, after going through all of that, school was the
last thing on my mind, so I didn’t make an effort in the final three weeks. I’d
barely passed my finals and graduated, but somehow I managed it. That feat was
mostly down to Zach, who refused to let me succumb to depression and forced me
to study with him every day. He claimed that he needed help graduating, but
deep down I think it was more for my benefit than his.
The depression had almost gotten me. I’d almost given in.
The whole situation with Luke, and the fact that I was the only one that knew,
weighed heavier on me than I thought possible. The police were still looking
for the person who sent me all those things, and Sandy’s murder investigation
was still open, but they didn’t suspect Luke at all. They had believed my story
of what happened on the bridge entirely. I’d told them that Luke and I were
arguing, that we pulled up and got into a fight, but when he started driving
again he’d lost control and drove into the barrier. The witnesses confirmed our
story. The only ones that had left statements, told what they believed to be
the truth - that they saw us stop the car, and then when the car started again
it drove over the edge. No one except me knew that it was deliberate, and that
knowledge would go with me to the grave. I refused to let Luke’s legacy be
diminished like that. It would do no good for anyone in the long run and would
just cause more damage for others.
The calls and gifts stopped, obviously, but no one pieced it
together correctly. I’d heard my parents speculating once when they thought I
was in bed. They seemed to be under the impression that whoever was sending
that stuff to me, thought I’d been through enough and was stopping the hate
campaign. My dad and brother still worried about me like crazy. It was only
recently that they let me out on my own without a bodyguard.
Six weeks of grieving and barely sleeping had passed me by.
Everything had changed since then, but most of those changes had happened
inside me. I’d realised that life was short and that you shouldn’t waste it. It
was actually Luke’s mom that made me have that epiphany. She’d come around to
see me in the previous week and she’d sat there for an hour just talking about
all the wrong choices that she’d made in life. Her words had struck me deeply,
and I realised that I couldn’t be here anymore. Everyone knew what had
happened, everyone had a sympathetic glint in their eye as they looked at me,
everyone felt sorry for me here because I’d lost my boyfriend and almost died
myself. All that sympathy did was serve as a reminder that my life had turned
upside down and would never be the same again.
So I’d made a decision to leave. Luke and I were planning to
move away to college so that it was just the two of us, so I made my mind up
that I would stick to that. I would get a fresh start with new people and not
be reminded of it every day and in every little thing that I saw. I needed a
fresh start, I needed to let go and start living again.
I’d put in a few calls, asked Principal Bennett for a
favour, and I’d somehow, despite my grades not being as perfect as they should
be, managed to land myself a summer school teaching assistant job. The job was
about ten minutes away from the college I would attend in the fall, so I was to
move there early and help teach high school kids in summer school. It sounded
like a great opportunity for me to get my foot on the teaching ladder which had
always been my chosen profession. But it meant moving away from my family three
months earlier than planned. And that had taken a heck of a lot of convincing
on my part, but they finally understood that I needed to get away and put the
past behind me.
I sat on the edge of my bed – the only thing I wasn’t taking
with me. I chewed on my lip as I replayed some of the great times I’d had in
here, sleepovers, movie nights, laughing with the girls, sneaking Luke into my
bed, studying, dancing like a moron with my headphones on. I smiled but stood
up quickly when I could feel my eyes prickling with tears. I didn’t want to
cry. I’d done too much of that recently, and I refused to cry anymore.
As I stepped out of my room, Chester came lolloping over to
me, wagging his tail as he looked up at me with his big brown eyes. I smiled
and bent down, petting his head before nuzzling my face into the side of his. I
sighed, knowing I needed to get going. I was already an hour later than I said
I wanted to leave. I had a long drive ahead, and if I wanted to make it there
before nightfall I needed to get a wriggle on and go.
Heading down the stairs, I purposefully tried not to listen
to the snivelling that was coming from the lounge. I knew I was going to be
missed. “Guys, I’m ready. I’m just taking the last bag out now if you want to
come and see me off,” I called, picking up my backpack that was packed full of
sandwiches, drinks and candy bars. The big bulky furniture had already been
sent ahead and was waiting for me in my student accommodation that I would be
sharing with three others. All I had was my clothes and small possessions left
to take with me in the car.
I didn’t wait for them to follow me, just turned and headed
out of the front door. I’d already done my last tour of the house, now I was
eager to leave and get a new start.
When I got to my mom’s cherry red Rover I popped the trunk,
throwing the last bag in and then struggling to close it again after. I was
borrowing my mom’s car for now, until I could afford to buy one of my own and
then they would take it back apparently.
Zach was the first to reach me, followed by my parents and
brother. I’d already said my goodbyes to Charlotte and Beth last night when we
had a girlie night. I was kind of grateful that they weren’t here now; both of
them had been a mess last night so their crying today probably would have
started me off all over again.
Zach stopped at my side and chewed on his lip. “You’re
really going?” A frown made crinkles around his eyes.
I nodded in confirmation. “Yep.”
He sighed and shook his head. “But I didn’t get a chance to
make my move on you. I was building up to it and everything. You never know, in
another couple of weeks I might have worked up the nerve to ask you out,” he
said, raising one eyebrow teasingly.
I chuckled, knowing he was only joking. “You should start
dating, Zach. Don’t keep thinking that you’re not good enough because of your
ADHD. You’ll make someone a great boyfriend,” I replied, slapping his shoulder
in encouragement.
A gave me a sad smile. “Well that’s all well and good, but
you’re now moving halfway across the country for four years,” he replied
cockily.
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. He never did give up
teasing me, but I had actually come to like it. I would probably miss his
teasing when I was alone with no friends and no one to talk to. “Shut up,
Zachary.” I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him
tightly. “Look after my brother for me, huh? He’s gonna play the big macho
kickboxer routine, but I know he’s gonna miss me more than he’s letting on,” I
whispered.