Authors: Calvin Wade
“
I don
’
t know how you do it, Jemma!
”
Amy said, as she wiped
Gracie
’
s nose. We were in Ormskirk at one of the soft play centres where
a hundred under fives ran around in all directions like a herd of cats. Gracie was a beautiful thing, with jet black curls and a gappy smile,
she had managed to avoid her father
’
s looks, but she did have an innate
ability to create more snot than a bucket of snuff.
“
You just manage,
”
I replied, speaking in a barely audible shout,
as the din of a hundred children is louder than the roar of a Wembley
crowd,
“
two kids under three is hard work, but what can I do? I just
have to get on with it and cope as best I can. Melissa
’
s very good, she
’
ll
play with her dolls or watch the TV, it
’
s just this fella, who causes all
the trouble.
”
I pointed at Jamie who was now six months old. He was all chubby
cheeks and rolls of fat. He was sat up in his pushchair watching the
older children, wishing he was old en
ough to throw plastic balls at
other kids heads. I gave him a rusk to take his mind off his lack of
mobility. Jamie was born by caesarean section due to being breech and
from labour to date, he
’
d been difficult! He was a poor sleeper, he
’
d
struggled with colic, wouldn
’
t latch on to the breast, everything that
had been straightforward with Melissa became difficult with Jamie. He
was adorable, but
“
problematic
”
was his middle name.
“
No!
”
Amy yelled back as loud as a whisper,
“
I was talking about you and Richie! How do you do IT?
”
I contained my smirk, I was pretty open about sex, but Amy and
I had not discussed it for a long time and all of a sudden I felt we
were both teenagers again, talking about
“
doing it
”
over a bottle of
Thunderbirds or Asti Spumante.
“
Are you asking me who takes what
position, Amy?
”
“
No! Don
’
t be daft! I
’
m not interested in the graphic detail, I just
mean you
’
ve got both Melissa and Jamie, so you
’
ve obviously done it at
least twice in the last three years and at least once in the last eighteen
months. How do you find the energy for sex? Since I had Gracie, I
hardly have the energy to switch the light off!
”
“
Surely you must do it from time to time?
”
I asked, bizarrely
intrigued given the thought of Amy and Jim in sexual mode was not a
pleasant one.
“
If the first time is Christmas 1998 and the second time is Easter 2000, then yes, we do it from time to time!
”
“
Bloody hell! I thought we were bad!
”
“
Why, how often are you?
”
Amy asked, before Gracie, who had
wandered off after blowing her nose came back, offering her tissue to
her mother as though it was a snot filled boomerang.
“
Gracie, be a good girl and take your tissue to the bin,
”
Amy
commanded.
“
Once or twice a month.
”
I answered.
Amy was taken aback.
“
Once or twice a month! Even now? You dirty cow!
”
“
You need to speak to Richie, he thinks he
’
s hard done to!
”
“
You must be joking!
”
Amy laughed,
“
Richie needs to get some
perspective from Jim! Once or twice a month! That
’
s like every other
weekend!
”
“
Every other Sunday night to be precise!
”
“
Is it
“
proper
”
sex too?
”
“
Proper sex?
”
“
Drink, starter, main course, afters, coffee?
”
“
Not really. More like quick kiss, dips his little finger in to check
if it
’
s going to hurt to squeeze the big boy in, if he thinks it will, out
comes the K-Y, then he clambers on top, asks if he
’
s squashing me, if
not, half a dozen thrusts, a quick groan, asks if I need a tissue then says
goodnight.
I can
’
t really be bothered to be honest, but three minutes of thinking
of England is better than a whole month of self-pitying moans. I love
Richie with all my heart, but making lo
ve needs to be atmospheric and
when you
’
ve got two kids under three, there
’
s more atmosphere on the
moon than in our bedroom! It
’
s OK feeling sexy when you
’
ve got no
kids, but for the first twelve months after they
’
re born, your nipples drip
and you stink of milk or baby vomit, then after that, they start tottering
around everywhere and by the time you get them to bed, you just want
to go too. I wear crap clothes, I never have time to do my hair or my
make up, my bits and my stomach still bear the scars of childbirth. There
is just nothing sexy about motherhood!
”
Amy nodded in agreement. Gracie returned from disposing of her
tissue,
“
Mummy, can you play with me?
”
Amy was not interested in playing with Gracie, I think she was
delighted to hear everyone else in the world was not having passionate
sex whilst she abstained.
“
Gracie,
”
she said,
“
leave Mummy to talk to Auntie Jemma for
a minute. Go and play with Melissa over there in the ball pit. Good girl
…”
Gracie waddled off.
“
It
’
s not like that for men though, is it?
”
Amy said seamlessly
reverting to adult conversation like all good mothers do,
“
I mean, if it
was about atmosphere for men, every heroin addicted hooker would be
out of business. It
’
s like fulfilling a need in men, like drinking or eating
or having a wee.
”
“
Exactly, but you
’
re not fulfilling that need of Jim
’
s
…”
“
No,
”
Amy said,
“
but it doesn
’
t stop
him though! He just does it to
himself! He used to stay up later than me and get himself exc
ited by
someone on the TV or the internet, but he doesn
’
t even bother doing
that now. He comes to bed with me and just lies there next to me,
pushing and pulling!
”
“
How romantic!
”
“
I
’
m used to it now! Rather him than me! Jim just says if I
’
m not
game, he
’
ll sort himself out!
”
“
I don
’
t even think Richie plays the home games.
”
“
Come off it!
”
“
No, no, I don
’
t think he does. I
’
ve never seen him.
”
“
You
’
ve never seen him breathe in oxygen, but it doesn
’
t mean he
doesn
’
t do it!
”
Melissa who had played like an angel for the last half hour toddled
towards me looking like she had something on her mind, as her normally
smiling face was wearing a slight frown.
“
Mummy, I need a wee wee!
”
“
OK honey,
”
I said standing up,
“
Mummy
’
s coming!
”
“
Not something Mummy does very often!
”
Amy chipped in.
“
Look who
’
s talking!
”
was my retort.
Amy stood up too and accompanied me on our slow trek to the
‘
Ladies
’
, as I pushed Jamie
’
s pushchair along with one hand and guided
Melissa through the bedlam with the other.
“
Do you think they
’
re happy though?
”
I asked.
“
The kids?
”
“
No, our husbands.
”
“
I
’
m sure they are. Every mother with young kids will be exactly the
same as us. Maybe not as harsh as me, but certainly Richie
’
s lucky to be
greasing his pole twice a month!
”
“
I
’
ve told him once the kids leave home, we might even get back up
to once a week!
”
“
Only another twenty years, eh?
”
“
It
’
ll soon go though, Amy. Mark my words, it
’
ll soon go. Richie
will be backing out then because of his arthritic hips and his dodgy
back!
”
“
I won
’
t be doing it when I
’
m old! I shall retire from sexual activity at forty five!
”
“
I thought you already had retired!
”
“
This is just a sabbatical! A long one!
”
“
Poor Jim! He
’
s going to be starching those sheets like a teenager
for the rest of his life!
”
I left Amy in fear of her sheets and guarding Jamie
’
s pushchair as I
took Melissa in to the toilet.
“
Wait until you
’
re Mummy
’
s age!
”
I said to her.
“
Life gets very
complicated.
”
“
SHE BUYS YOUR PORN! You
’
re pulling my leg, Dogger!
”
“
I swear on little Jake
’
s life that I
’
m not! My porn collection has not
cost me a penny! If Sandra goes to the supermarket, she
’
ll say
‘
Do you
want me to pick up some porn whilst I
’
m out
’
?
”
I gave Dogger a quizzical stare.
“
Is that not a little bit odd? Is Sandra into seeing other women
naked?
”