Forever Is Over (93 page)

Caroline
’
s speech was all I would have expected it to be, touching
and witty. Cal and Richie always had a close bond throughout our
childhood and she spoke warmly about listening to LPs in her room and then spoke about how much she had grown to love Jemma. This was a
common theme, everyone in our family, including Richie, once thought
Jemma was a right royal pain in the butt, but had had a change of heart over time. Quite rightly, given she was replacing the father of the bride,
Caroline devoted most of her speech to Jemma and she did it impeccably
well, although more than a few eyebrows were raised amongst guests of
all ages when she jokingly said that both her and Donna loved Jemma
so much that she was welcome over to theirs for a threesome any time!
The Vicar almost choked on his chocolate mint!

Richie
’
s speech was brief but he brought the house down in laughter
and a subsequent standing ovation with an awful
“
A Cappella
”
version
of Elvis Presley
’
s
“
Can
’
t Help Falling In Love
”
. Before I knew it, it was
my turn.

The moment I stood up to speak, the nerves evaporated and the
adrenalin kicked in. I was no longer nervous, but excited. This was
going to be great!

“
Bloody hell! That was a sorry attempt at singing, wasn
’
t it? I don
’
t
think my ears will ev
er be the same again. Torture!

             
Right! There are four thousand ways I could start this speech, but
I
’
ll just simply begin by saying, Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, we now reach the moment of the day that I know some of you have been
looking forward to for some time and Richie has been dreading since
the second he asked me to be best man! The reason Richie has been
dreading it, I think, is because he knows if I make a lot of boobs, he
’
ll
end up paying for it in the end!

I noticed a few chuckles over there from the boys from the stag do!
Over there at the back! Those guys were taking bets before on what
Jemma and Richie
’
s first dance will be tonight and amazingly, the odds
on favourite is Tina Turner
’
s
“
Private Dancer
”
! Maybe one of them can
explain to the rest of you later why that is! Unless you want to explain,
Richie
…
.
”

I turned to Richie, on cue, he shook his head,

“
Thought
not! Anyway, whilst I
’
m talking about the guys from
the stag do, let me tell you a story! Several years ago, mine and Richie
’
s
Dad, the strange looking bloke to my right, who is twitching for me to
hurry up so he doesn
’
t miss the three o
’
clock at Royal Ascot, went over
to Canada for his cousin
’
s wedding
. In Canada, Dad tells me, the best
man is not really called upon to make a speech, he just acts as a
‘
Master
Of Ceremonies
’
, therefore he just introduces friends of the bride and
groom to say a few words. On that basis, I want everyone to give a huge
hand to Andy
“
Dogger
”
Woodward, a good friend of Richie
’
s, who
accompanied him on his stag do and is very keen to say a small speech.
The floor
’
s all yours, Dogger!
”

Everyone cheered and clapped, with the exception of one man! Poor
‘
Dogger
’
nearly stuck his head in his pint of lager and drowned himself!
Everyone turned and stared at him, and, totally unprepared, with the
applause still ringing out, he took to his feet,

“
Erm
…
bastards! Sorry, that slipped out, it
’
s just these Billingham
brothers have a habit of stitching me up and guess what, they
’
ve done it
again! As you can probably tell, I wasn
’
t expecting to be doing much this
afternoon, other than drinking beer and eyeing up the one bridesmaid
I am officially allowed to look at, my wife, Sandra. So, Jim
’
s caught me
off guard here!
Right, all I will say is that, despite once tying me naked to a lamppost
in Brighton and abandoning me, an ordeal I will never get over, despite
that, I have a lot of love for Richie. He
’
s one cool guy. As for Jemma,
well she
’
s turned out to be a million times nicer than the bitch we all
both fancied and hated at school
…
.
”

There was a collective sense of dis
approval amongst the audience,

             
“
W
hat? Don
’
t tut! It was meant as a compliment! Jemma is a great
girl these days! In fact, so much so, if I could have chosen a wife for
Richie myself, Jemma would have been the one!

So, can everyone please be upstanding and raise their glasses to
today
’
s happy couple,
‘
Richie and Jemma
’
!
”

Everyone stood.
“
RICHIE and JEMMA!
”

‘
Dogger
’
sat himself down, necked about half a pint of lager in one
go and I continued.

“
Can everyone please give
‘
Dogger
’
a round of applause for being
my scapegoat there! I have to be honest, I wasn
’
t expecting his speech
to go any further than
‘
F OFF!
”

Everyone gave
‘
Dogger
’
a pleasant round of applause. Other than
committing the cardinal sin,
‘
Thou Must Not Slag Off The Bride On
Her Wedding Day!
’
He had done pretty well.

“
Thanks, Dogger! OK, before I get back to taking the mickey out of
my big brother, I just want to say a few words about the newest addition
to the Billingham family, today
’
s blushing bride, Jemma. My wife, Amy,
has been friends with Jemma for more years than they care to admit,
so I could, at this point, pass the buck once more and get Amy to stand
up and do this part of the speech. That, however, would not be the best
idea I
’
ve ever had! Whilst I don
’
t really care how much I cheese
‘
Dogger
’
off, it may not do anything for my future sex life if I sprung a speech
on Amy, so I
’
m going to have to do this bit myself. When asked about
Jemma, Amy said the following
…
.
”

I took out a piece of paper.

“
Jemma is quite simply the best friend a girl could have. She
’
s
fiercely loyal, incredibly forgiving, strong minded, passionate and
truthful. Everyone knows that she spent some time in prison and those
who don
’
t know her, would wrongly assume this makes her a bad person.
This could not be further from the truth. Jemma is one of those rare
people who is as radiant on the inside, as she is on the outside. Richie
is a lucky man to have her.
”

Jemma stood up and walked over to Amy and gave her a quick hug
and kiss, before returning to her seat.

“
Thanks for that Amy! I really do have to re-iterate what Amy and
‘
Dogger
’
think. The more I get to know Jemma, the more I understand
why Amy and Richie think so much of her. Most important to me
though, is how she makes my brother feel and I know he thinks Jemma
makes every second of his life worth living. Jemma, you look fabulous
today, your dress is perfect and you do look truly stunning. For making
my brother, the happiest man alive, I salute you. So, could I ask everyone
to be upstanding once more and raise their glasses to our gorgeous bride,
Jemma!
”

Everyone took to their feet, their chairs scraping on the floor and
reminding me of the days back at school when the Headmaster came
into class. There was no toast then though, just apprehension. This time
there was only joy.

“
Jemma!
”

“
OK. As much as I love you, Jemma, it
’
s time to move on to your cute little husband. My brother, Richie!
”

There was a mumbled
‘
hurrah
’
from the boys on the stag do.

“
When we were little, as my Mum and Dad are only too happy to
testify, there was not a great deal of love lost between Richie and I. In
fact, it would be fair to say, that we hated each other like Russians and
Americans! Our ideologies were different about everything. He liked
Laurel & Hardy, I liked Harold Lloyd. Richie liked Dukes of Hazzard,
I liked Starsky and Hutch. I liked Tiswas, but wasn
’
t allowed to watch
it as Richie liked bloody Swop Shop! We just had nothing in common!

I was quiet and shy, Richie was fairly outgoing. I preferred my own
company to that of groups, Richie was always in a gang. I could make
things, Richie could break things! I was studious, Richie was sporty. I
liked to go to sleep in a dry bed, Richie preferred to sleep in puddles he
managed to create in his sleep! I won
’
t dwell on this point, as I would
like to think I will still be alive by midnight, but as a nine year old child,
I took great delight in being given the
top bunk whilst Richie had the
bottom one. This wasn
’
t always the way it was, but Mum finally took
pity on me after several evenings of yellow showers! As I say, I won
’
t
dwell on this ,but Jemma if you and Richie ever go on an overnight train
and have to share bunk beds, I strongly advise you to take the top bunk
and I would also recommend that you borrow these
………”

             
I stuck my hand under the top table and pulled out a man sized
nappy , with a massive safety pin in the front. I threw it across to Richie.
I also took out a golfing umbrella and threw that across to Jemma.

“
Richie, you know how I promised I would not mention the
bedwetting? I LIED!
”

There was a general good humoured murmuring. I let it die down
and then continued,

“
OK, Richie will be pleased to know that
’
s the bedwetting done.
Well, at twenty six, I hope it is! The next childhood thing I need to
cover off is Richie
’
s early interest in women and one, in particular, a
certain Rachel Cookson.

Rachel wasn
’
t the greatest looking girl at Town Green, was she
Richie? Don
’
t get me wrong, she wasn
’
t ugly either, but at an age when
certain bits of a girl
’
s body were capturing Richie
’
s attention for the very
first time, Rachel Cookson had two major attributes! He was a shrewd
boy! So much so, guess where he took Rachel on his first date?
”