Forever Is Over (130 page)

Jemma did not do self-pity. Throughout our childhood, she had
always been about dogged resistance rather than
‘
if only
’
s
’
and my
‘
woe is me
’
speech, spoken from a hospital bed following a serious car
accident failed to draw sympathy from her. It just riled her.

“
Look Kelly, you need to stop making everything you
’
ve been through
such a burden on you. Our past is not meant to be a burden that weighs
heavily on us. Didn
’
t someone famous not say that
‘
if something does
not destroy me, it makes me strong
’
? Well, you need to start adopting
that attitude! Look at everything you
’
ve come through, an unpleasant
upbringing, Vomit Breath
’
s death, this car crash and whatever else
you
’
ve had to put up with over the last ten years, but you
’
re still, just
about, in one piece. You are a fighter, Kelly! Count your blessings!
”

“
I try to Jemma, but sometimes it
’
s hard.
”

“
Kelly, when you were a little girl, probably about six or seven, you
noticed you weren
’
t enjoying the same happy upbringing as some of
your little friends who had Mummy
’
s and Daddy
’
s who walked them
to school, hand in hand, kissed them goodbye and turned back up at
half past three to collect them. You had no Daddy and a Mummy who,
most mornings, was still nursing a hangover in bed and was usually
back on the booze by half past three, plotting the next one. Do you
remember, you used to get all worked up about it and, as a result, your
body stopped working as it should? Remember, when you used to get
constipated? You would go days and days on end without having a poo.
I wouldn
’
t let you flush the toilet because sometimes you would tell me
you
’
d been, even when you hadn
’
t, so I demanded to see the evidence!
Seven or eight days would pass and nothing would come out, you
’
d just
hold it in and hold it in and then eventually, when you could keep it in
no longer, it used to sting like mad. It was a vicious circle. You became so scared of having a poo because it hurt so badly, that you would clog
up inside again and we went on and on with this for months.

One day, Vomit Breath was getting ready to go out and she was
waiting to get into the bathroom, but couldn
’
t because you were locked
in there. You
’
d locked the door and Vomit Breath was banging on the
outside, cursing like a sailor, screaming at you to hurry up and get out!
You were in there crying with the pain of moving your bowels with all
your insides clogged up, so I turned up outside the door, told Mum to
leave you alone, explained that you had been constipated for a week and
tried to make her understand that this was a painful process for you. I
was wasting my time, it was like trying to persuade Hitler not to move
his troops into Czechoslovakia! Vomit Breath just kept banging on that
door, yelling at you to get out.

I remember saying,

“
Leave her alone! Kelly tries to avoid going to the loo, so when she
does go, it hurts her like mad!
”

Vomit Breath, not even realising that she was being profound, just
scowled and said,

‘
Kelly needs to realise that in life you have to be able to deal with
all the shit that happens to come your way!
’

In Vomit Breath
’
s sorry existence, that was probably the only sensible
thing that she ever said! Twenty years later, she
’
s still right! Nothing has
changed! Kelly, I
’
m not asking you to forget everything, but just don
’
t
let it impact on your future. You
’
re a gorgeous looking woman with a
warm heart and I
’
m sure men are drawn to you like ships to rocks, so
go out and find someone who will love you and adore you and make
you happy.
”

It was only at this point that I noticed Jemma
’
s engagement and
wedding rings resting proudly around her finger.

“
Like you have, Jemma?
”

“
Pardon?
”

“
Like you have? I
’
ve just noticed your wedding ring. Is that what
defines happiness, do you think? Having a man that adores you? Maybe
it does. Maybe that
’
s why I don
’
t feel happy. I have a good job. I have a
reasonable amount of money, but I
’
m not happy. Has having a man that
adores you made you happy?
”

“
Not just a man, Kelly, a family. I have a daughter now called
Melissa, who has inherited her Auntie
’
s good looks! She
’
s five years old,
loves baking cakes, dressing up and sharing hugs. Then there
’
s Jamie
who
’
s three. Jamie
’
s just one big bundle of energy. He never stops. He
’
s
into everything and I mean everything! He
’
s still only a toddler but he
’
s
taken more blows than a heavyweight boxer, if there
’
s a wing mirror
or a door handle, or a corner cupboard that he can crack his head on,
somehow he
’
ll find it! He
’
s just too b
usy to look! Too busy to sleep
too!
”

“
I
’
d love to see them, Jemma! Will you bring them in here?
”

“
Once you
’
re a little better, I will. I don
’
t think you are quite ready
for Jamie just yet!
”

“
Of course I am! Bring him in!
”

“
I will Kelly, in a few days.
”

“
I
’
m excited already! How long have you been married, Jemma?
”

“
Seven years.
”

“
What
’
s your husband
’
s name?
”

Jemma could have lied, she could have just altered one word in that
conversation to preserve the status quo, but she chose not to. She just
came right out with it.

“
Richie.
”

Surely not? Maybe it was a co-incidence. Surely after all that she
had just said, she would not do this to me.

“
Richie? Not Richie Billingham?
”

I was numb with shock. I was beginning to regain some self-belief,
some hope for the future until this moment.

“
Yes, Kelly. I am married to Richie Billingham. The man you were
with in the car, when it crashed, is my husband.
”

I don
’
t know why, but one day it just came back to me, weeks later.
I was heading out for the evening with Jemma, waiting for her to come
downstairs and all of a sudden the last words that Kelly said to me before
the crash just came back to me.
I could picture myself back in the car with Kelly. I was slowing
down, ready to turn into West Tower and we were justing talking away,
saying amicable goodbyes and then Kelly said, out of the blue,

“
Richie, can I just ask you something?
”

“
Fire away.
”

“
Why did you never tell me you had cancer?
”

I wasn
’
t expecting it. I was expecting something about Jemma,
maybe something about that night at the Birch
’
s when Kelly accused
me of sleeping with her, but I was not expecting the cancer question.
I hesitated, not sure how to respond. I was going to tell her the whole
story, how I had met with Jemma and how she had comforted me and
urged me to tell Kelly all about it, but I had panicked and not managed
to get the words out, scared of revealing the truth. It felt like a good time
to tell her, to piece things together for her, so I was about to say,

“
Jemma told me to tell you everything, but I did not have the
courage to. I was scared.
”
but I only got as far as,

“
Jemma told me
…
..
”
and then out of nowhere came the other car,
swerving around the corner at enormous speeds. Before I had the time
to answer Kelly
’
s question, our worlds and our cars collided, leaving two
lives behind us on that quiet road.

I needed to say it. I had nothing to be ashamed about. I had married
a man I had fallen in love with and when we did fall in love, he was not
married, he did not have a girlfriend, he was bloody single! I knew Kelly
would go potty but what did she expect, the world to stand still until
she came back like something out of a fairytale? As soon as I mentioned
that I was married to Richie, Kelly laughed, but it was not an amused
laugh, it was more a disapproving, sarcastic laugh.

“
It
’
s all about one upmanship with you, isn
’
t it , Jemma?
”

The tables had turned now. Kelly
’
s whole approach had been
‘
Please
Forgive Me
’
but now it was,
‘
You
’
ve Wronged ME, Bitch!
’
Her tone was
more aggressive, her manner more confident, Kelly knew when she had
to fight her corner and she had shown me before that she was a pussy
cat when things were going her way and a tiger when they weren
’
t. I
knew she would think she had the upper hand morally now, but that was
bullshit and I was not going to apol
ogise for anything I had done.

             
“
One upmanship? How?
”

“
You always have to get in on the act. Go one better than me.
”

“
Kelly, I married Richie because I loved him.
”

“
That
’
s garbage, Jemma! There are twenty million men in Britain
between the ages of sixteen and sixty and you just happen to fall in love
with the ONE, the ONLY ONE, that ever meant anything to me.
Both choosing the same man out of twenty million! That
’
s some co
incidence, Jemma! I remember you even said that if Richie was the only
choice you had, you wouldn
’
t even bother. There
’
s no two ways about
this, you did this to get at me!
”

I loved Kelly, but she had it all wrong and it was annoying me that
she could, after everything,
accuse me of stooping so low.