Forever Is Over (129 page)

“
Goodbye Roddy
”
she said before she exited,
“
it was lovely to meet
you! Thanks for everything you
’
ve done. I hope to see you again some
day, in more pleasant surroundings!
”

“
No problem, hope to see you too!
”
I replied not really understanding
why she was grateful to me or why she
would want our paths to cross
again. My lack of intellect was a frustrating handicap! Mrs. Billingham
followed Mr. Lapinski out the door. The nurse checked over a few charts
again at Kelly
’
s bedside.

“
Is her husband in a bad way?
”
I asked the nurse.

“
No, no, Mr. Billingham is absolutely fine. He is the only one to have
come out of the accident with relatively minor injuries.
”

“
And he hasn
’
t taken a turn for the worse?
”

“
No, not as far as I
’
m aware,
”
the nurse said trying to figure out
whether she had missed something, before adding,
“
in fact, definitely
not, he only went home a couple of hours ago.
”

“
Then why does the consultant need to speak to her?
”

“
Oh right! That wasn
’
t about Mr. Billingham, that was about Miss
Watkinson here.
”

I still didn
’
t get it.

“
I
’
m sorry, you
’
ve lost me. Why would they need to speak about
Kelly?
”

“
As Kelly
’
s next of kin, Mrs. Billingham will have to give her consent
for the Doctors to operate.
”

I laughed in a confused, panicky manner.

“
No, no, there
’
s been some mistake! Mrs. Billingham isn
’
t Kelly
’
s
next of kin, Kelly
’
s sister is. She
’
s due in here soon. The Doctor
’
s will
need to speak to her sister, not Mrs. Billingham!
”

The nurse looked at me like I had just won the
‘
Village Idiot
’
award
and my village was London.

“
Roddy! Mrs.Billingham is Kelly
’
s sister!
”

“
No! Kelly
’
s sister
’
s name is Jemma. Jemma Watkinson.
”

“
Well, I
’
m sure that would have been her name before she got
married, but she
’
s Jemma Billingham now.
”

“
Fuck! She
’
s Jemma! Kelly
’
s gonna love that!
”

“
I
’
m sure Kelly is perfectly aware who her sister is, Roddy!
”

“
Sorry for swearing! It just slipped out. I just didn
’
t know Kelly
’
s
sister was married to Richie!
”

“
Yes, I guess that
’
s why they were in the car together, because they
’
re
family.
”

‘
You guess wrong
!
’
I thought to myself.

The nurse finished off her duties and as she was making her way out,
I felt the need to ask her something.

“
Tell me something, nurse..
”

“
What Roddy?
”

“
Are the majority of blokes from Ormskirk ugly?
”

She smiled at me.

“
A lot of them are! Why do you ask?
”

“
It would just explain a few things, that
’
s all!
”

“
Saying that!
”
the nurse continued,
“
I shouldn
’
t really say that! My
husband is from Ormskirk!
”

“
Do you have any sisters?
”
I asked.

“
No. Just two brothers.
”

“
Probably a good thing,
”
I said,
“
probably a very good thing!
”

Following the crash, time and consciousness arrived in snippets.
I remember the impact, I remember being trapped in the car and
I remember passing out in a manner similar to that I experienced
when I was given gas as a child to extract a rotten tooth. That horrible
feeling
of drifting into an unwanted, nauseous, unconscious paralysis. The next eight days passed like snapshots. Each snapshot seemed to contain Roddy. He was ubiquitous both in my dreams and
in my conscious state. I felt no pain but did feel a mixture of emotions
coursing through my veins, amongst the
m guilt over how I had treated
Roddy. He was a constant in my life but I had failed to appreciate how
important he was to me. Sometimes its those we love the most that we
treat with the least amount of thought, as we know their love will not
die, irrespective of what we do. I would have liked to have told Roddy
this, as he sat patiently by my hospital bed, but speech was frustratingly
beyond me and those fleeting periods of consciousness did not provide
ample time to write down a heartfelt message.

I could hear Roddy
though. I couldn
’
t be sure how often what I heard were actual words
spoken and how often the words were just created by my drugged-up,
delusional state, but in all instances, Roddy was urging me to be strong,
encouraging me to fight and revealing the extent of his love for me. In
the past, I had always found his revelations of love to be inappropriate
but now I found them humbling. I wasn
’
t sure if I could ever love Roddy
how he loved me, but for the first time ever, I wanted to try.

I had no comprehension of time, bu
t I was becoming aware that as
it passed, my periods of awareness were gro
wing longer. I was told later
that the swelling on my brain had become so severe that an operation
to reduce it was discussed and agreed, but miraculously, through a
combination of IV fluids, medication a
nd oxygen therapy the swelling
came down and my slow recovery began
. Five days after the crash, I
was able to start having brief convers
ations with Roddy, then longer
conversations and then one afternoon,
I awoke to find that Roddy was
not perched in his usual seat, but he had been replaced by a ghost
from
my past, my sister, Jemma. At first, I
was overwhelmed and unable to
speak, Jemma and I had been through
so much since we last saw each
other and I really did not know how she would feel about me. I had
been plagued by guilt ever since I had abando
ned her and let her face
the trial for Mum
’
s murder alone. I had spe
nt years deliberately avoiding
her because of how I had behaved, but
this time there was nowhere to
hide. Jemma had found me and I co
uld no longer run away from my
failings.

“
Kelly, how are you feeling?
”

I could not answer her at first and then when I did speak, it was
not a response to the question. This moment was about so much more
than the crash.

“
I
’
m so sorry,
”
I cried,
“
I truly am so sorry.
”

Jemma just started at me like she had been taking lessons in stoicism
from Shakespeare
’
s Brutus.

“
What
’
s done is done, Kelly. I
’
m not angry with you. I
’
m just grateful
you
’
ve survived the crash.
”

“
Jemma, you should be angry! I let you down.
”

“
Kelly, it was a long time ago! You were a chi
ld. Whether you had
run away or stuck around, I would
have taken the blame for Vomit
Breath
’
s death. I wish you hadn
’
t spent th
e years that followed avoiding
me, but you did what you did and we can
’
t
do anything now to bring that
time back. All we can do now is move
forward, move forward and just
try to remember the good things from t
he past. We are family, Kelly.
We need to forgive each other for our past failings and start afresh.
”

In principle, it all sounded very easy but I was sceptical, not about how Jemma would view me, but
about how I would view myself.

             
“
Every time I see you though, Jemma, it
’
ll just be a reminder of how
weak I
’
ve been. How I
’
ve let you down. You might say you
’
ve forgiven
me, Jemma, but I
’
ll always be worried that deep down you haven
’
t and
also that I haven
’
t forgiven myself. I
’
ve been so weak, Jemma, that
’
s why
I
’
ve avoided you, because I know I
’
ve been so weak.
”

“
Kelly, you nearly died in the car cras
h! I only have one sister, one
surviving family member from the old family of my childhood and I
’
ve
spent the last ten years wondering wheth
er I would ever see you again.
Wondering when we would get to speak. Over the last week, as I
’
ve
watched you battle for your very survival, I
had to face the fact that the
answer may be never. You
’
re a fighter t
hough, Kelly, no-one can doubt
that. Our childhood was one long battl
e and everything that happened
in it, led to the moment when you came to my rescue and Vomit Breath
died. OK, I wish you hadn
’
t run away but you did what you did to our
so called
‘
Mother
’
out of love for me, so I still have a lot to thank you
for as well as to forgive you for and as I
’
ve said, I have been waiting for
this moment for years on end, so let
’
s not dwell on the past, let
’
s move
forwards.
”

I propped myself up more erectly in the bed.

“
Jemma, it
’
s easy to say all that but it doesn
’
t work like that! My
character and personality are derived from my memories and the fact
that I treated you so badly is a stain on mine. I can
’
t just skip merrily
along and forget Mum died, forget I killed her and pretend I didn
’
t run
away and leave you to pick up the pieces. I
’
ve spent over ten years trying
to forget and no matter where I was, whether it was Hong Kong or
Australia or London or wherever, it has been impossible to forget what
I
’
ve done. It is a curse that I will have to live with until the day I die.
”