"A bath will help," Sharon told me. "Soak a long time and keep adding hot water … there's plenty of time for a nap too. We don't eat until seven."
I bathed, then fell asleep and didn't wake up until Michael whispered in my ear. "Kath … time for dinner … "
"Mrnmmm … " I rolled over.
He sat on the edge of the bed. "You need some help getting up?"
"Mmmmm … " I opened my eyes. His face was next to mine.
"Hi," he said.
"Hi … " I pulled him down and held him close.
"Later … it's time to get up now."
"No … not yet."
"I'll have to help you if you can't do it yourself … "
"Mmmmm … soon … "
Michael got off the bed and I closed my eyes again. I heard the water running in the bathroom. Then he was back, standing over me, calling, "Kath … " and when I opened my eyes he was holding a glass of water over my head, threatening.
"You wouldn't … " I cried, jumping out of bed.
"Now that you're up I won't have to," he told me, "but next time you don't get a second chance." After dinner we sat around the fire and talked for a while, then Michael got up and went to the window.
"The stars are out," he said. "You want to take a walk?" My insides still turn over when he looks at me that certain way.
I got my boots and jacket.
"Don't get frostbitten," Sharon called after us.
As soon as we were outside and away from the house we kissed. "I had to get out of there," Michael told me. "All I could think about was being alone with you."
"I know," I said, " … same here."
We held hands as we walked. "I've never seen so many stars," I said.
"That's because it's so dark and clear … no city lights, no traffic, no pollution … "
"I love to look at stars."
"I love to look at you."
"Oh, Michael … come on … " I gave him a friendly punch.
When we got back to the house Sharon and Ike were stretched out in front of the fire smoking grass.
"Hi," Sharon said. "Did you freeze your tails off?"
"Almost," I told her. I was really surprised to see Sharon smoking. I thought she was so straight, especially after that business about Michael being vulnerable and getting hurt
"Your cheeks are bright red," Ike told me.
"They always get that way."
"I like them," Michael said, putting his hand against my face. Ike held the joint to his lips and took a long drag. Then he offered it to Michael.
"You want to?" Michael asked me.
"I don't think so," I said.
"We'll skip it," Michael told Ike, taking my hand. "Katherine's very tired."
"Goodnight," I said, as Michael and I headed upstairs.
"Get a good night's sleep," Sharon called.
"We will."
Michael lay down on the bed in my room.
"I thought you don't smoke," I said.
"I don't, anymore … except with them, sometimes … "
"Oh." I walked over to the window and opened it a little. I like plenty of fresh air in my bedroom. "I've only tried once … and nothing good happened. I felt sick to my stomach."
"It can be like that the first time."
"Besides," I said, going to the dresser and picking up my hairbrush, "I don't like to lose control of myself." I was thinking about later, wondering if he would get into bed with me again. Last night was so nice.
"I know it," Michael said.
"Would I … if I smoked again?"
"I don't know … probably not."
I started brushing my hair. Michael was watching me. I wanted to ask him
what next?
Did he have plans? Did he already know? I wished I had a script to follow so I wouldn't make any mistakes. Don't
forget about my period, Michael,
I felt like saying. "There are kids at school who are high all the time."
"That's different," he said.
"I suppose … " I put my brush down. "I'm surprised that Sharon and Ike smoke at all … I mean, Ike being a doctor and all." I opened the dresser drawer and pulled out my nightgown. I should wear it, shouldn't I? Yes, but leave it unbuttoned this time.
"They're not exactly addicts," Michael said.
"I know that … should I use the bathroom first?"
"Sure."
I put on my nightgown and bikini underpants and after I'd washed and brushed my teeth I said, "You can use the bathroom now."
I got into bed and waited. In a few minutes Michael opened my door. He was wearing his same blue pajamas. He kind of waved at me and said, "Hi."
"Hi," I answered.
He put his glasses on the night table, turned out the light and climbed into bed beside me. After we'd kissed for awhile he took off his pajama top, then said, "Let's take yours off too.. it's in the way."
I slipped my nightgown over my head and dropped it to the floor. Then there were just my bikini pants and Michael's pajama bottoms between us. We kissed again. Feeling him against me that way made me so excited I couldn't lie still. He rolled over on top of me and we moved together again and again and it felt so good I didn't ever want to stop—until I came.
After a minute I reached for Michael's hand. "Show me what to do," I said.
"Do whatever you want."
"Help me, Michael … I feel so stupid."
"Don't," he said, wiggling out of his pajama bottoms. He led my hand to his penis. "Katherine … I'd like you to meet Ralph … Ralph, this is Katherine. She's a very good friend of mine."
"Does every penis have a name?"
"I can only speak for my own."
In books penises are always described as hot and throbbing but Ralph felt like ordinary skin. Just his shape was different—that and the fact that he wasn't smooth, exactly—as if there was a lot going on under the skin. I don't know why I'd been so nervous about touching Michael. Once I got over being scared I let my hands go everywhere. I wanted to feel every part of him. While I was experimenting, I asked, "Is this right?"
And Michael whispered, "Everything's right."
When I kissed his face it was all sweaty and his eyes were half-closed. He took my hand and led it back to Ralph, showing me how to hold him, moving my hand up and down according to his rhythm. Soon Michael moaned and I felt him come—a pulsating feeling, a throbbing, like the books said—then wetness. Some of it got on my hand but I didn't let go of Ralph.
We were both quiet for a while, then Michael reached for the tissue box by the side of the bed. He passed it to me. "Here … I didn't mean to get you."
"That's all right … I don't mind … " I pulled out some tissues. He took the box back. "I'm glad," he said, wiping up his stomach. I kissed the mole on the side of his face. "Did I do okay … considering my lack of experience?" He laughed, then put his arms around me. "You did just fine … Ralph liked it a lot." I settled next to Michael with my head on his chest.
"Kath … "
"Hmmmm?"
"Remember last night when I said I loved you?"
"Yes."
"Well … I really meant it … it's not just the sex thing … that's part of it … but it's more than that … you know?"
"I know … because I love you too," I whispered into his chest. Saying it the first time was the hardest. There's something so final about it. The second time I sat up and said it right to him. "I love you, Michael Wagner."
"Forever?" he asked.
"Forever," I said.
10
"Do you still like each other?" Jamie said, as soon as I got back from Vermont. She and Mom and Dad were waiting up for me in the den. I collapsed on the sofa. Seven hours in a Volkswagen is a long time.
"Well, of course we do … why shouldn't we?"
"Daddy said sometimes spending a lot of time together can end a romance faster than anything else." My father actually blushed when I looked at him. "Were you hoping this would end it?" I asked.
"Don't be silly, Kath," Dad said.
"Then why would you have said such a thing?"
"It was a general discussion … not one about you and Michael."
"We also discussed how being together can make a romance even stronger," my mother said, to rescue my father, I think.
"Well, that's more like it!" I said, looking at Dad. "Being together made ours stronger."
"I'm glad," Jamie said.
When I got into bed, half an hour later, my father came to my room. "You think I don't approve of you and Michael … " he began.
"Do you?"
"Of course I do. I'm just afraid you'll get too involved … that's all."
"What's wrong with being involved?"
"Maybe that's the wrong word. What I mean is, I don't want to see you tied down."
"Who's tied down?"
My father sighed. "Will you stop throwing questions back at me … what I'm trying to say is, you're too young to make lifetime decisions."
"I'm not making lifetime decisions."
"You have to consider the future, Kath."
"What about it?"
"There you go again."
"I'm sorry," I said, " … but the future will take care of itself." The next morning I waited until my father had gone off to his tennis game and Jamie left for school. Then I caught my mother on her way into the shower and asked, "Does Daddy want me to stop seeing Michael?"
"Of course not."
"Because I won't … not even if he asks me to … "
"He's not going to ask you … he'd just like to see you get around more with other people … the way you used to … "
"But I don't want to … I don't want to be with any other boy."
"I understand, Kath … and deep down inside, so does Dad … he's just having trouble accepting it … "
"I can tell."
"Say, aren't you going to be late for school?"
"So I'll miss first period study hall … big deal!"
"If you want I'll drive you over as soon as I'm dressed."
"Okay."
I got my books together and found my clean gymsuit in the laundry room. Then I went out to the garage and started the car. I've had my license since September but I hardly ever get any driving practice. Mom came out of the house pulling on her hat and gloves. She wears the same kind of white knitted hat that I do only she doesn't pull it over her forehead the right way. She shoves it back on her head because she says it makes her face itch.
"Brrr … it's cold out!" Mom opened the car door.
"Want me to drive?" I asked.
"No … the side streets are still icy." I slid over and my mother got in behind the wheel. On the way to school I said, "Mom …
were
you a virgin when you got married?" My mother kept looking straight ahead but she tightened her grip on the wheel. I quickly added, "I mean, I know you said you were, but … " We stopped at a red light. Mom turned to me. "I was a virgin until we were engaged … not married."
"How about Dad … "
"There were double standards then … boys were supposed to get plenty of experience before marriage."
The car behind us tooted. "The light's green," I said.
"Oh … " We drove up East Broad Street and under the railroad tracks.
"Are you glad you waited?" I asked.
"I don't think of it in terms of waiting … I was just twenty."
"If you had it to do over again, would you still wait until you were engaged?"
"Everything's different now. I wouldn't have married so young in the first place."
"But would you have waited?"
"I can't answer that … I just don't know."
I didn't say anything more but when we got to school instead of just dropping me off my mother pulled into the lot and turned off the ignition. "Look, Kath … " she said, "I've always been honest with you about sex … "
"I know."
"But you have to be sure you can handle the situation before you jump into it … sex is a commitment … once you're there you can't go back to holding hands."
"I know it."
"And when you give yourself both mentally and physically … well, you're completely vulnerable."
"I've heard that before."
"It's true," my mother said. "It's up to you to decide what's right and what's wrong … I'm not going to tell you to go ahead but I'm not going to forbid it either. It's too late for any of that. I expect you to handle it with a sense of responsibility though … either way."
"I wasn't asking for personal reasons, Mom … I was just curious, really … "
"Of course … " She reached out and touched my face. "Well … have a good day." We looked at each other for a minute and then I did something I haven't done in a while. I leaned over and kissed my mother.
"I absolutely can't believe it," Erica said, after I'd told her about my weekend. "You're still a virgin!"