Fool For You (Made for Love Book 4) (79 page)

“I know it feels like that now—”

“I won’t,” I mutter through my sob. “He said he’d ruin me for anyone else, and he did. He did!”

“Okay, okay. I hear you.” Geoff wraps me in his arms, and I grip the shirt at his back, holding on tightly.

He doesn’t understand. No one will understand. I gave Judah everything. I have nothing left to give anyone else.

Harper won’t let me have my phone. Every time I ask for it, she tells me that I have no missed calls or texts, and that I’ll be the first to know when or
if
that changes. I know she’s talked to Ben. I know that every time she leaves me alone in the room to go whisper on her phone, she’s speaking to Judah’s brother. It makes me wonder how he’s doing. If he’s confided in Ben? If Ben understands the state of Judah’s heart better than I can? If he’s capable of shedding light on the mysterious man who let me walk away the night before last? I wonder…but without my phone, I have no access to the outside world.

Friday is hardly more than a blur, and today feels like it’ll be much the same. Harper starts the morning with another coffee and muffin run. Geoffrey leaves me with her shortly after she returns with sustenance. I drink the coffee but skip the muffin, my appetite completely nil. For the rest of the day, my sister tries convincing me that a shower would do me good, but I ignore her, sleeping on and off. In my dreams, the pain feels more bearable. The absence of Judah doesn’t feel so real. Though, escaping my problems in slumber comes with its own consequences. Waking up to the harsh reality that I now live in is like picking at a fresh wound. Hurts like hell.

Geoff returns at the dinner hour with pizza. I nibble at a slice to appease my caretakers, but it only makes me think of Judah—of the night we spent here in my apartment, eating pizza and ice cream, snuggling on the couch as I mourned the news that I received from the doctor about my fertility issues. That night seems like a lifetime ago, and yet the vision of him eating pizza right out of the box in my one-butt kitchen is all I see. I make it through half a slice before tossing the rest in the trash, much to the dismay of Harper and Geoff.

I kiss them both, thanking them for their company, and then tell them that they are free to go; I assure them that I’m just going to sleep for the rest of the night, and that they can check on me in the morning. I don’t realize that neither of them listened to me until I wake up on Sunday, sandwiched between them in my bed.

“Fantastic. You’re up!” says Harper, propping her head up on her hand. “We let you wallow for two whole days, but today, you’re getting up.”

I frown at her in disagreement and turn over, only to find Geoff mirroring her position—his head propped up on his hand as he smiles at me.

“We’re taking you to church, baby girl. That requires a shower and a change of clothes.”

I plop down on my back with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling.

“I don’t want to go to church.”

“Why not? That’s your thing,” says Harper, nudging me with her knee. “It’ll be good for you.”

Truth be told, I haven’t been to a service in weeks. Sundays with Judah kind of made it difficult for me to get out of bed with any intention of making it to church. Now that I think about it, that probably makes me a completely despicable Christian. Turning my back on God for sex.

Except—it wasn’t like that. Not with Judah.

“Hey,” Harper murmurs, running her fingers through my hair. “Do you remember what you told me about God a few years ago? When you first started to believe?”

I shake my head
no
.

“I do. You told me there was something about being in His presence—something about being surrounded by His people that made you feel safe. You told me that the more you learned about Him, the cleaner you felt—like nothing that Justin made you feel was stronger than the love you felt from God. You told me that when you went to church, you always walked away feeling a little lighter—as if your burdens were not yours to carry, but
His
.

“Honey, I think you need that right now. I think you need to feel that sort of supernatural peace that only God has ever been able to give you. It’s your thing, babe. I’ve seen it bring you through some dark times, and this is a dark time. Don’t completely abandon who you are and what you believe just because things didn’t work out with Jude.”

I try so hard not to break down, but she’s right. In so many ways, she’s right, and it hurts so much to admit it. I do need to feel that sense of complete comfort I’ve only ever found in one place. I need to remember who I am and what I believe—I need to remember that I am strong, and that God’s love can bring me through anything. His grace covers me and protects me, no matter what; and my absence from my relationship with Him won’t keep Him from me now.

Except, I don’t want healing from this pain. I don’t want to let go of Jude. I don’t want to
move on
. I’m not ready to let go. I love him too much.

I love him too much
.

“Oh, Teddy,” Harper coos, folding me in her arms.

I don’t realize I’m sobbing until my face is buried in her neck, the sound of my cry muffled in her embrace.

“You’re going to get through this, babe. One day at a time, you’re going to make it through. We’ll start with
today
. Get up, sweet girl. Clean yourself off. We’re getting you to that church if it’s the only thing we do all day.”

By Saturday morning, my house was stripped of anything that reminded me of Teddy. Her soap in my shower. Her toothbrush on my sink. The useless scraps of clothing left behind from the last time I fucked her. I cleaned the coffee mug she’d left in the sink, I’d stripped the bed of its sheets, and I took the Land Rover to have it detailed—ridding the leather of the smell of her sweet cunt.

I wanted her gone.
Needed
her gone. It was the only way I knew how to purge my chest of the ache she left when she stepped out of my car Thanksgiving night.

Now, as I stand in the space between my bathroom and my closet, wrapped in just a towel, I’m stopped dead in my tracks. The photograph she took on our hike in Beaver Creek is still hanging on my wall. A part of me—the angriest part of me—imagines what it would be like to put my fist through the glass before I take the frame from the wall and chuck it across the room. But I will not indulge the beast in me, the animal that she makes me.

The animal that she
made
me.

I shake my head at myself, heading toward my closet. Monday morning beckons and I have neither the time, nor the desire, to think on the past. Teddy made her choice. While it is cloaked in love, it is not
me
she wants. She wants a fantasy. She wants
forever
—and I do not believe in such a thing.

I dress quickly, knowing that I am already behind schedule. It’s been so long since I’ve had a proper shave—I neglected to leave enough time to do so. Now, as I stand in front of the mirror, adjusting my tie, I can barely look at myself. I don’t feel like the man in my reflection. I don’t recognize him. I might even go so far as to say that I don’t
like
him, either. He’s different. Weaker.

“Fuck,” I mutter, abandoning any further effort with my tie as I head to the kitchen. I start to prepare myself a coffee, out of habit more than anything else, and realize that I don’t have a taste for it. It reminds me of Teddy, which makes me feel—“Fuck.”

I’m making my way down the stairs when Marta emerges through my front door. I almost forgot that she would be here this morning. My lack of focus today is just as appalling as it is unacceptable. I have way too much shit to deal with to act like some heartbroken fool. My relationship with Teddy is over. I knew the day would come, and now it’s time to move on. My routine as a man with no attachments should fit like an old glove. It hasn’t been so long that I’ve forgotten who I am.

“Good morning, Mr. Jude,” Marta greets with her usual smile.

“Good morning, Marta.” I offer her no more than a curt nod as I pass her, but she stops me before I can get too far.

“No Miss Teddy today? I promised to—”

“Teddy will no longer be a guest here,” I mutter, barely glancing back at her over my shoulder. “I’m late. I have to be going.”

“But—I…what happened?”

“It doesn’t matter, Marta.”

“I…” she sighs. “Okay, Mr. Jude.”

Her crestfallen tone is not lost on me, but I shake it off. Who I share my bed with is none of her goddamn business, anyway.

I arrive at the office a few minutes later than usual, but it remains quiet and dark—just the way I prefer to start my mornings. I don’t bother turning on any lights as I make my way to my office, letting the glow of the emergency light guide me. I’m just sitting down at my desk when my mobile starts to ring. I know who it is before I even pull it out of my pocket. There are very few people who would even think of calling me before eight a.m., and only
one
who has felt the need to call repeatedly since Friday. This time, I choose not to ignore him.

“Benjamin,” I answer, pressing the phone to my ear.

“Oh. Good. You’re feeling chatty this morning.”

“You’re not a man with an abundant amount of free time, and neither am I. I presume you’ll cut to the chase.”

“Pleasant, aren’t we?”

“I’m hanging up.”

“No! Jude—wait. Come on. Of course you know why I’m calling.” When I say nothing in reply, he sighs before he continues. “Harper says Teddy is a fucking mess.”

In an instant, my mind is filled with the memory of her propped up next to me—naked—crying—begging for me to tell her that I love her.

“Judah—
say
something,” Benjamin demands. “What’s going on?”

“What would you have me say, huh? Sounds to me as though you have the whole story.”

“Bullshit. I don’t have the whole story. I don’t know why
your
dumb ass let her leave.”

I shake my head and pinch the bridge of my nose. I’m tired of this conversation already.

“It was never going to last forever, anyway,” I mutter.

“You don’t know that. You
can’t
know that. So, what, you just decide to throw in the towel without a fight? Jude—what you and Teddy have is more than just some bullshit fling. You care about each other.
You
care about her. I’ve seen it with my own eyes—you won’t fool me into thinking otherwise.”

“
Had
. What Teddy and I
had
was a relationship that is now over.”

“You’re just going to walk away? Just like that? Go back to being the old Jude, fucking any pussy with a pulse?”

The thought of burying my dick in anyone other than my shy girl turns me off instantly, but I ignore the feeling. I then scrape my hand down my face—my fingers running over my jaw, smooth and clean shaven. I bite back a curse, irritated that the details that define me have somehow been
altered
over the course of the last few months. I’m no longer confident that the
old Jude
is a façade I could even imitate.

“Jude?”

“Where I choose to sink my dick is no one’s business but my own. Teddy wanted more than I could give. She made her choice. She
left
. Now she must live with the consequences, like an adult.”

“Right. Because you’re being
really
mature about all of this.”

“Ben—”

“I know you’re in love with her. God—you’re the most arrogant, stubborn asshole I’ve ever met in my entire life! I love you, brother—I do, but you’re an idiot, living with your eyes wide shut. You think you have it all figured out, that you know the nature of all mankind, and that
love
is for fools. Well, welcome to the club, brother. You’re a fucking fool. I hope you wake up and see the truth before it’s too late.”

Before I can say another word, he hangs up on me. I scowl in frustration, staring down at the device, wondering where he got the damn nerve. I think about calling him back to give him an earful, and then decide it’s not worth it. He’d only give me another hopeless romantic speech about
love
, or some bullshit, and I don’t want to hear it.

I busy myself with work, hardly aware as the office begins to buzz with the activity of Monday morning. It isn’t until Aunt Eddalyn knocks on my door, informing me that we’re just about to get started with our weekly meeting, that I manage to shift my focus. She eyes me curiously before offering me her usual kind smile, and I follow her into the conference room.