Finding Me (35 page)

“Brighton Manor was the best place in town for someone with cognitive impairment. I knew that, and so did he, and it was killing him to think of moving her. It was also by far the most expensive place in the area. He told me he’d looked at a couple of other local places, and a place called Bivens Haven the next county over. That place got written up for health code violations on a regular basis, and I reminded him of that.”

“What’d he say?”

“He asked what he was supposed to do, because his money could only go so far. I told him it had been a good couple of years for our business, and the outlook for the next couple was good, as well. If he started setting aside more money each month, he should be able to eke through, I was sure of it.

“He said he was sick of eking through, sick of never having time to do anything but work, sick of the guilt that goes along with working long hours and leaving your family home alone, and your mother in a nursing home. He was just plain burned out.”

“Maybe that’s why he was attracted to Mimi, huh? She was young and pretty, and there weren’t any other obligations attached.”

“Exactly. And that’s exactly what I told him. I said, ‘Not to add to your misery, but to tell you the truth, I believe you would feel a significant lowering of guilt if you would quit spending so
much time at Jerry’s Place.’ Over the past year, I’d known David was spending more and more time there, and it wasn’t because of the food or the convenience.”

“What did he say?”

“He said it wasn’t any of my business where he ate his lunch. He jumped up from his chair, his face purple, and for a minute I thought he actually might take a swing at me. He yelled, ‘How dare you insinuate . . .’ But he stopped himself midsentence, stood there and looked at me, and then he exhaled long and slow and sat back down, shaking his head.

“Later that afternoon, like clockwork, he looked down at his watch and then back at me. ‘I’ve got a meeting. I’ll be back in a little while.’ He walked out the door and down the street to the diner, just like always. It was only a few weeks after this conversation that he came in one morning and told me that your mother was pregnant.” Kenmore pushed himself up from his chair and walked over to the coffee pot, poured himself another cup. “You want one?”

“No, thanks. So, Mom’s pregnant, he can’t leave right away, then what?”

“David had always been a solid guy, family man, church, the whole bit. I noticed it was about that time he started reading books that were by most any account non-biblical—books stressing how God wants us to make the decisions that will make us the most happy, not so much the hard decisions that involve doing the right thing.”

“God doesn’t want us to be happy?”

“Kelli, I have a deep faith. I don’t spend a lot of time talking about it, don’t know the answer to a lot of the great theological debates, but one thing I’m convinced of—we have to make the decision that we’re going to do the right thing no matter what it costs us before we get pressed in tight between the hard place
and the easier place. If things get difficult and you start looking for an easier way out than what you know is right, chances are you’re going to find it, but it won’t be the best long-term decision. Take Joseph, for example.”

“Joseph?”

“From the Old Testament—coat of many colors, all that. His own brothers sold him into slavery in Egypt, right?”

“Yeah, I remember that.”

“But God’s favor was upon him, so soon he became the second in command of Potiphar’s household. Seems like the best he could hope for in a bad situation—until Potiphar’s wife decided Joseph looked pretty good and she’d like to have him for her own. If you think about it, this could only have made his life easier. She’d likely take special care of him, give him more things, not to mention he’d get a mistress out of the deal. Joseph could easily have said that God abandoned him and that there was no reason for him to continue to live the harder way, the way he knew to be right. But he didn’t. He made the hard choice, and it got him thrown in a dungeon for ten years.

“But he kept trusting, kept moving forward, and from that dungeon he eventually ended up where he was supposed to be—in Pharaoh’s palace, saving humanity from starvation and becoming second-in-command of the entire kingdom. See, something better was waiting, something that made him much happier in the long run, but if he’d decided to make the easier choice earlier on, he never would have known it.”

Kelli bit her lower lip and nodded. “I guess I see what you mean. So you’re saying if my father had stuck it out at home, in spite of the fact that there were some rough years ahead of him, he would have eventually been glad he’d done the right thing.”

“I absolutely believe that. But, unfortunately for all involved, that’s not the choice he made. I started noticing that he was
moving money around in his accounts. I assumed he was funneling his money to Suze. I didn’t have any idea he was actually setting up other accounts under a different name. This is all assumption on my part, but I think he had planned to leave your mother much sooner, then found out she was pregnant, and while he might have been a cheater, he wasn’t going to walk out on his pregnant wife.”

“Why didn’t he just divorce my mother?”

Kenmore shook his head. “I think he knew that she would get custody of you kids, and by the time he paid child support and alimony, there wasn’t going to be much left for him to live on and he would get to see even less of y’all. He was so entrenched in those so-called religious self-help books by then he must have convinced himself that by setting up an insurance policy he was taking care of your mother and siblings, and then by keeping you it was a bit like having his cake and eating a slice of it, too.”

“I guess that’s pretty much the way it happened, as far as he was concerned. He lived happily ever after and left everyone else to pick up the shards of the broken lives he left scattered.”

“Maybe so.” Kenmore rubbed the back of his neck. “But I’m betting he got plenty of cuts from all those shards himself.”

Kelli was shaking her head. “Whatever wounds he might have received along the way, they were far less than he deserved. The worst part of it is that I can’t even tell him how angry I am. He gets away with everything, without a single repercussion.”

“Regardless of how things may appear on the outside, I’m guessing he paid a much higher price than you will ever know.”

“I certainly hope so.”

Kenmore watched Kelli turn slowly and walk into the storeroom without another word.

41

K
enmore, are you planning to shut down the store?” It was early afternoon before Kelli worked up the nerve to ask the next question on her mind.

He sighed, then nodded. “Yeah. Just between you and me, that has been my plan for a while now. Business had dropped off enough that I was losing too much money to keep it going. Things changed for the better after you got here, but I can’t keep it up by myself.”

“You can hire someone to replace me.”

“I can hire someone else to help me out in the store, but it was your vision for running things that made us profitable again. That’s not the kind of thing you can just find off the street. Besides, if you remember correctly, I hadn’t even planned to replace Frieda until you came along, because I knew the store would be closing.”

“You might find someone you like better. You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

“Nah. To tell you the truth, I just don’t think I have the heart for it anymore. This was my family’s store, and I kept it going a long time for that reason. And then when you came, it all got exciting
again—not just because business had picked up, but also because I was thankful both of us had a chance to work through some of what had happened. After you leave, though, I think I’m just done.”

“But Kenmore . . .” She couldn’t decide how she wanted to finish that sentence, only knew that it was important that she say the right thing to convince him to change his mind.

“The fiftieth anniversary of the store is in October. I plan to keep it open until then, and then it’s time for me to move into the world of retirement.”

“That makes me sad, to think of this place closed.”

“To tell you the truth, it makes me sad, too. But there’s not that much we can do about it.” He stopped what he was doing to look her directly in the eyes. “Unless, that is, you want to stay.”

“I can’t.” She twirled a pack of Life Savers around on the counter, watching the reds, oranges, and yellows spin before her. “You know I can’t.” She picked up the pack and put it back in its place.

“A couple of months ago, I would have agreed with you. Probably even a few weeks ago. But Kelli, I’ve got to tell you, I’ve been watching what is happening, and let me tell you, girl, you belong here. You belong with them.”

“I wish that were true.” She shook her head. “I can’t stay, you know I can’t.”

“You’re wrong. Dead wrong. Spend a little time thinking about it, and I believe you will come to agree with me.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “You can stay and work at the store, build it up into something you can take over. You’ve got a natural gift for it. You can stay in the duplex as long as you need to, put down some roots.”

“I can’t talk about this anymore.” Kelli knew deep down that Kenmore was right. If she kept listening, she would change her mind and stay, and that would make things very hard. For everyone she loved.

Shane took Kelli’s hand as they walked downtown together, and she moved closer out of instinct. Another perfect Thursday Night Lights evening—this time without a glimpse of Amy, making it that much better.
This is wrong.
You can’t do this.
Her inner voice was soon countered with
It’s no big deal.
You just had sandwiches and watched a band.
It’s not like you’re getting serious or anything.

The two sides went back and forth, back and forth.

Kelli took a deep breath. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Yeah?” He smiled down at her. “Tell me everything.”

Oh, how I wish I could, but I can’t, so this will have to do.
“Well, it’s just that . . . I . . .” She had no choice but to continue. She had to put a stop to this. “I have a boyfriend back in California. He’s really more like an unofficial fiancé.”

Shane dropped her hand. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

She looked down at the ground as they kept walking. Everything inside her wanted to confess the lie and then fall into his arms. But that was a choice that could not be allowed. “I, well, I mean, for the first month or so I was here, you pretty much hated me, so it wasn’t an issue. After that, it just never seemed like the right time.”

“What about that kiss? And our time together tonight? You weren’t exactly fighting me off.”

“No. No, I wasn’t, but I should have. I . . .” This was harder than she’d expected it to be. “It was a mistake.”

By now, they had made it to where his car was parked. He opened the trunk and put the chairs inside. “I make it a point of pride to avoid being other people’s mistakes. I can assure you that I will not be your problem again.”

“Shane, it’s not like that. You don’t understand—”

“I understand enough to know that it’s time to get out of here.” He drove her home in silence.

When they pulled into her driveway, she opened the door but turned to him. “I’m really sorry.”

“Good-bye, Kelli.” He didn’t look her direction.

“Good-bye, Shane.” She went inside and cried. Something that had become all too familiar as of late.