Authors: Sarah White
Chapter 11
Matt
When we get out of the cab I watch her tuck her hair back as small pieces fell
to her face and as much as I try I cannot take my eyes off of her.
Standing here watching her nervously chewing her lips takes me back to that
passionate kiss on her porch. I just have to touch her. When I reach out
and put my hand on her shoulders I feel desire hit me and I need more. I
move my hand down to take hers in mine as if I have done it a million
times.
Court runs ahead of us to the bar so I tow Cait along behind me feeling the
weight of her hesitance. I want to fix this for her. I want to take
care of her like I used to before I messed things up so badly between us.
I don’t want to let her small hand go as we approach the bar but I know that my
excuse for holding it has ended so I release her hand and hope the opportunity
to hold it again will emerge.
Bars are supposed to be fun, loud music and willing women. Tonight I feel
like we have entered the wake of a close friend. People are looking at my
sister cautiously and the tension in here is so thick I fell like I’m
suffocating. In war, there were moments when we would come upon a hold
out where some
fo
our men
had died. Marines and soldiers would be standing around quietly
communicating through small head nods and unmet eyes. Tonight in this bar
I find myself falling back into that pattern, nodding to old friends but
silently communicating that I don’t want to be talked to.
Chapter 12
Cait
Matt takes the bar stool next to his sister and I sit down next to her as
well. Court is dancing to the music as the bartender fills our
orders. I watch as the bartender looks at Court uncomfortably as he pours
our drinks. I glance at Matt and see that he is watching him too.
His jaw is tight and I can see the anger in his eyes. He feels the same
way I do about this stupid guy who can’t take his eyes off of Court as if
seeing a woman in a scarf was somehow absurd.
“It’s a scarf asshole, just pour our fucking drinks or you and I can go outside
and it won’t be to discuss fashion.” Matt raises
his
eyes to meet the bartender’s
as he spits out the command with the
harshest tome I have ever heard him use on a stranger. The
bartender suddenly looks embarrassed as he hands us our drinks.
“Sorry man, it’s been a long day and I’m tired. I didn’t mean anything by
it, she is beautiful,” the bartender says as he throws his towel over his
shoulder, raises his hands in surrender and nods at Court. He rushes to
the other end of the bar to help a customer.
“You haven’t changed Matt,” Court says in a tone that makes it even hard for me
to decide if she is pissed or happy about what Matt did.
“Sorry Sis, some things don’t change.”
“I know, and watching you fight has always been fun, but can I please get drunk
before we have to make a run for it?” she asks giggling and I relax knowing she
was all right with his sharp tone. I too wanted to yell at the guy and
only held back because I didn’t think Court had noticed his stare.
“Then you better drink fast,” he says with a wink and we all laugh as we throw
back our drinks.
There is a band playing and they are doing a great job, or I am drunk. Either
way I lean back on the bar and watch Court dance trying to think of the last
time I felt at home. I know this time is going to be short, but being in
a bar with Court and Matt made me feel young again. I am drinking my beer
when Matt leans on the bar beside me. Our arms are touching and I
secretly hope he leaves his there. It feels safe to be by him.
“It’s like old times huh?” he asks loudly over the music.
“I was just thinking that. I wish this moment could last forever.”
I can see a pretty girl looking at Matt as she dances and I hope he doesn’t
notice her.
The thought is not rational
,
he doesn’t belong to me
. Our conversation has stopped
because he is watching her dance now. I shake my head in disgust, and, if
I am honest, jealousy as he stands up and places his empty beer on the bar.
“Excuse me,” he says as he heads to the dance floor. It feels as though he is
stepping on my heart with each step he takes away from me and towards her.
“Of course,” I say but he doesn’t stay around long enough to hear it. He
approaches the girl on the dance floor just as the band begins to play a slow
song. I roll my eyes at the whole cliché of the situation. He says
something to her and she smiles and nods her head yes. He pulls her close
and they begin to dance with his hands dangerously low and their legs tangled
together. I watch as she closes her eyes and rests her head on his
shoulder. I am so busy watching them I don’t notice Court come sit beside
me.
“I’m tired Cait. I think I need to go home.” She looks pale and sweaty
and suddenly I am frightened that we might have overdone it. I nod and
grab her purse from the bar to call the cab. When the driver picks up he
says he will be here in a few minutes. The haziness of the evening begins to
clear and panic fills the large space that jealousy and disappointment had
previously occupied.
“I can’t walk alone Cait, I think I drank too much and I am dizzy. Can
you please help me outside? We can text Matt from out there and see if he
wants to ride with us or go home with her.” I nod and wrap her arm around my
neck.
After Matt had
left for the Marines, I would often help Court home when we had drank too much
at a party. She would put her arm around my neck and we would both struggle
to stay upright as we weaved back and forth until we made it home. Her
arm had once felt so heavy to me and now that it felt just shy of a whisper I
realize all the times I took for granted that she would wrap a healthy arm
around me. I grab her hand with mine and clasp onto it, needing to feel
connected to her. I look back one more time to see if Matt is noticing us
leave but of course he is too busy dancing with the pretty girl to notice what
we are doing.
Once outside I
put her in the cab and text Matt.
Me:
Outside.
Court is tired we are leaving.
I can hear the music switch to something faster and after a few more minutes of
Matt not responding Court asks that we just leave him and take her home.
I slide in next to her and she rests her head on my lap again. We leave
the parking lot and head for home. I feel her purse buzzing and grab her
phone while she sleeps.
Matt:
Are you guys ok?
I am sorry I didn’t hear my phone.
Me:
I’m fine, Court
just got too tired. Taking her home. Have fun.
Matt:
Are you sure you
don’t need me?
I want to tell him I do need him; that I thought I could do this alone but I
can’t. I am not strong enough to face her mortality. When we get
home it is just going to be me, Court, death and me. I begin to cry as I
text back.
Me:
I’m fine. I
can do it.
I lie because I know how he numbs his pain and who am I to stop him. I
was at peace in that bar and why shouldn’t he get to stay or leave with someone
that could make his bed less lonely. He is going to have to continue his
life without her; I on the other hand still don’t plan on being here without
her for long. Two weeks, I just have to make it two weeks. I shut
my eyes tight forcing out the tears that have gathered there as I repeat
just
two weeks
on the inhale and exhale of each breath.
When we get home I help Court into a bath. Her frail body lays in the hot
water as I help to turn off the faucet. I can see where she is bruised at
the sites where she got IV medications. After I help her bathe I grab a
fresh towel and hold it up so she can step into it. She lifts herself out
of the bath and wraps herself up in the towel.
“Thanks for helping and for letting him stay. He needs to do this any way
he can. He has lost some of his friends during the deployment and death
has such an ugly place in his heart. I want mine to be peaceful for
him. I want him to get to say goodbye no matter how hard it is.
With my death I am giving him what those others couldn’t...time.” She
starts to cry and I help to dry her off. I am still fuzzy from the drinks
but I understand that her gift to him is peace with his loss of her.
Letting my tears fall silently as she cries, I rock her in my arms before
wiping the salty tears from her face.
The last time that I had to help her to bed we were seventeen and she had just
had her heart broken by her first love. Court would finally get herself
to stop crying only to hiccup on a sob and start all over again. I
remember feeling her pain as if it was my own and praying that she got over him
soon. I had helped her get dressed then too, only then her flesh was more
pink and her ribs had not been visible through her skin. I would take
that heartbreak all over again if we didn’t have to face this one tonight.
I help her to her bed and slip a nightgown over her head. I turn around
to give her a little privacy as she pulls up her underwear and then tucks her
legs under the covers. I watch her adjust her
bald head
on her pillow and I smile as she closes her eyes. I take a seat in the
chair by the window and put my feet up on the bed to watch her sleep. It
is dark and I rest my head on the back of the chair.
It
is in the darkness I realize that I haven’t thought of Elliot in hours. I
have been lost in my old world of Court and Matt where a younger me
lives. I am not a therapist, I am not a wife,
I
am a carefree spirit with a buzz listening to a good band. I am grateful
for the gift Court has given me tonight and I close my eyes as the tears begin
to flow again.
Elliot and I were
married as soon as he was accepted to college. His parents threw us a
small wedding on the beach with only family and close friends in
attendance. I was only eighteen and while everyone kept telling me that
was too young to be married, I needed the stability of a partner and I wanted
so badly to move out of the spare bedroom at Court’s house that always smelt
like Matt.
Matt had left just before his eighteenth birthday for boot camp and the room he
had lived in still held some of his belongings. There were a few pictures of
him in his football jersey and a small frame held a picture of the Argyles with
him at graduation. I respected his decision to not be adopted but it
still hurt me to think that they treated Court so wonderfully and he would not
allow them to do the same for him.
It was during one of our games of truth or dare that Matt had told us his
decision to join the military. Court had cried and begged him to forget
about it, but he had told her it was in his blood since their father had served
before college and his grandfather had as well. I fought my tears and
swallowed down any argument against it. I knew my place and it was to be
there or Court and stay out of Matt’s life choices. I was devastated and
sure he would leave and never come back because that is what people in my life
always did.
Matt promised Court he would always be careful and that in time she would see
how much fun it could be if he got to travel the world and play with
weapons. I know he was just trying to ease her mind, his real motives
being to escape this town and leave all of us behind. I couldn’t blame
him,
I was only here for Court. That night Matt told
us he loved us both as he tried to hide the tears in his eyes by drinking more
beer, and I wasn’t brave enough to say it back.
After boot camp Matt had gone straight to his permanent duty station and had
only come home once or twice since then. When Elliot and I set up the
date and venue for our wedding I had Court relay the information to him so he
knew he was invited. I did not plan on him coming because he was halfway
across the United States, but she called the day after to tell me he said he
wouldn’t miss it.
Two years was a long time to be away from him and I was sure that I would not
have any feelings for him when he came home but as the date approached I found
that I was just as excited to see him again as I was about planning my
wedding. Everyone gets nervous before their big day so I convinced myself
that I would be excited to see any friend that had moved away for that long. I
dove head first into the wedding details, busying myself with the menu, my
dress, and the honeymoon.
I spent all of my time as a teenager with Court and Matt or with Elliot.
Given that my mother was dead and I had no other family, my list of guests was
limited to the two of them. Court insisted we have a bachelorette party
so the night before my wedding she stole two bottles of wine from her parents
and we got drunk in the spare room behind the garage. We laughed about
how silly it was going to be to have a husband and then how sad we were that
getting married meant I had to follow Elliot to school, putting an hour drive
between us.
We were just starting the second bottle when Matt came home. He caught up
to us quickly and soon we were all drunk, lounging around the room playing
truth or dare. I knew better than to pick a dare, having made that bad
decision one too many times with Matt and finding myself making an ass of
myself somehow. Truth was not scary to me as Court already knew
everything about me and Matt was too nice to ask something he knew I didn’t
want to answer.
When we had finished the second bottle of wine Court fell asleep on my bed and
Matt carried her into her room. He came back out to the spare bedroom to
help me clean up the evidence of our little party and we found ourselves
talking about his time in the Marines, the places he had been, the things he
had learned. As we sat on the edge of the bed the conversation
stopped. I tried not to look at him but inside me there was an urge to
take in all I could, remembering every detail of his face as if getting married
would finally be the end to that magnetic connection that pulled me towards him.
He reached over and put his hand on top of mine.
“Truth or Dare?” he asked with a clear sadness in his voice.
“Truth.”
“Do you love him?” I am not sure if it was the wine or his touch but I suddenly
felt flushed and dizzy.
“Yes,” I said back knowing that Elliot was the best choice for me if I want to
keep my friendship with Court and get out of this town. Sometimes I
wonder what would have happened if I had told the whole truth: that I hoped to
love Elliot one day thinking he could take care of me like no one else besides
Matt and Court ever had. If I was really honest with him I would have
told him that I had never loved another boy after he took my heart with him
when he left my porch so long ago.