Authors: Sarah White
Chapter 2
Cait
We have sat for two hours in the same spot of the couch. The room is
filled with darkness when Courtney speaks again, “I called Matt this morning to
tell him it was time.” I am surprised she could get ahold of her brother
given he has been deployed for as long as I can remember. He had enlisted
at 17 when he was about to age out of the system and has been serving our
country ever since.
“Where was he?” I ask as she adjusts on my lap.
“I don’t know. It was the hardest phone call I have ever made. He
insisted on coming home and to be honest I couldn’t turn him down. You
two are the only people I have left and when I die I need you both here.
He said he would be here sometime tonight and that he would stay in the extra
room incase you needed help with lifting me.”
If I wasn’t so grief stricken I would be excited at the thought of seeing Matt
after all these years. He is older than us by two years and it was hard
to not notice him as a teenager. He had dark hair that he always cut
short and blue eyes that could melt you if you looked long enough. He was
known for fighting when we were younger and would spend hours working out in
the garage. I know this about him because my room was the perfect spot
for viewing those workouts.
Being stunning and abrasive attracted many girls for him and I was also a
witness to the endless parade of beautiful girls that would sneak in and out
through the garage the entire time he lived across the street from me. I
can remember watching one night in particular as he escorted a girl back out
through the garage at an unheard of time in the morning. The giggling had
woke me up and I had slid over to my window to see who the conquest was this
time. She was tall and blonde with legs that never ended and she had her
shoes dangling from her finger as he wrapped his arms around her waist and drew
her into him for a kiss.
I must have smiled as I thought of that memory because Courtney sighs and says,
“Oh, I wish you would have just snuck in one night and got it over with!”
“Courtney he was your brother, and I will always be just a little sister to
him.”
“Keep telling yourself that Cait. Could have been fun.”
“Oh yes that would have been fun. Into the garage one minute, out the
next...never to return again.”
Courtney laughs, “You are probably right but at least the short distance
lusting could have ended.”
“Drop it Court. Has he continued his conquests in every port or is he
still with that steady girlfriend?”
“You mean Sandra? No, she left him when he deployed voluntarily to stay with
his unit. She said she couldn’t do long distance without the commitment
of marriage. When he wouldn’t commit she got even by finding her way into
his friend’s bed.”
“Gross. I bet he kicked his ass.”
“Twice I believe! Once when he got home and again when they ran into each other
at a bar in town.” We both laugh at the thought of Matt getting
even. We had seen his rage so many times and we even had to play the get
away car a few times when things got a little too rough and the cops were on
their way to whatever bar we had managed to sneak into.
“I would give anything for one more of those nights you know,” Courtney says as
she closes her eyes again, clearly recalling the same memories I was.
“I know, me too.” I say as I begin to stroke her forehead again.
Chapter 3
Matt
The heat is so intense it extracts from me any energy my body can create.
We have been out on patrol now in this small convoy for over four hours and the
sweat has drenched through every layer and yet still fails to offer me any
relief. Over the radio there are calls that an IED has taken out the lead
vehicle in our sister company’s convoy following far behind us and I wonder
what made us so lucky to not be it’s victim. I am supposed to be scanning
the streets as I walk beside the vehicle for any threats but my thoughts keep
wandering back to home and the beach from my childhood.
At this moment I would give anything to feel the wet sand beneath my feet as I
rush into the water. I imagine it being dark out, not like now when the
sun is set high in the sky, scorching any skin that may be in its rays. I
long to dive into a wave and feel it crashing above me, pushing me deeper as I
cover as much distance as possible and then breach the surface in search of
her.
My rifle is poised for threats and I can feel the ridges of the hand guard on
my M16 beneath my fingers. My trigger finger is ready to squeeze if a
threat is detected. My hands are dry, calloused and covered with silt
destroyed by months of hard work. My hands are nothing like hers, and
after all these years I start to wonder if I will ever forget what hers felt
like. Wet from the ocean but warm to the touch, I used to love finding
her floating, taking a moment to take in her image before reaching out and
grasping her hand to let her know she had been found.
I don’t think it could get any fucking hotter here and I want to scream to
everyone to move faster. We have yet to be able to find the right tactic to
avoid IED’s and the way I see it the slower we move the bigger target we
present to the enemy. Out of habit, I start calculating the time zone
difference in my head, and then suddenly remember there won’t be a phone call
today because I will be on a plane soon, back to a reality I don’t want to
face.
Before I left I had promised Court I would call when I could and I do my best
to keep my word. She will never understand that I must play a little game
in my head to survive the distance that is between us when I know that I should
really be home incase she ever needs me. I wish that she would have found
someone to spend her life with so that I didn’t feel a pull to take care of
her, something I have never been able to separate myself from since we were
kids. I want to believe that I would be a good brother and call home
often even if I wasn’t rewarded with the small update about Cait, but some days
I am honest with myself and know that I would trade hours of conversation with
my sister for five minutes with Cait.
I am not the only Marine here playing mind fuck games to survive
deployment. In my version of the game I set a time and date to make a
call, my reward for surviving I guess. I can’t be tied daily or weekly
for that matter to the events of home when I am too far to do anything about
them. I space my calls out in hopes of keeping my head here instead of
off in a place that exists without me. When my mind starts playing tricks
on me like it is today, drifting my thoughts to home, I know I am close to
needing to make that call, anchoring myself again in a world where both Court
and Cait exist.
I watch the games being played here in this little version of hell and know
that mine is by far the least grueling to me. In my comrades version they
call home in an attempt to connect to a family they have left behind so their
place there will not be forgotten. Sometimes they win and sometimes they
loose, their phone call home confirming someone else is sleeping in their bed
and playing with their children.
Silence around me draws my attention back to my duty and I feel a sudden
rush of adrenaline when things are oddly still. A less seasoned or junior
Marine might find it peaceful, I have learned that there is always a calm
before the storm and over here when there is silence, some shit is about to go
down. I connect my eyes to the sergeant ahead of me nodding that I too
have noticed the shift. I see the sweat on his brow drip down his cheek
and as if the universe has timed it perfectly the shots ring out as the drop
leaves his face. I drop to the ground as the blood of those around me is
misted across the faces of those who escaped fate again. I do not for a
minute think that I will always be this lucky.
Sliding back against the vehicle I watch everything in slow motion as chaos
begins to play out. Marines take cover and begin to shout at each other
commands and the voices on the radio are barely audible over the fall out from
the attack. I know the sergeant was taken out and I quickly look for any
signs of other Marines who met his same fate, literally counting the fucking
boots that are missing their Marine. Death over here is always a
mathematical equation, removing emotion so we can fight on and preserve more
lives, all while misted with the blood of the fallen.
When I had volunteered to deploy with my unit Sandra had cried and begged me to
stay. When she saw that I was determined to go and our three-year
relationship came a distant second to the men and women of my unit, her sadness
had turned to anger. Tears streaking down her face she asked me if I was
going to continue to come here until I was killed so I did not have to face the
fact that Cait didn’t love me. With that I left our small apartment, unable to
honestly answer her.
How exactly Sandra put the pieces together about Cait I will never know.
I tried to make my calls to Court when Sandra wasn’t around but I know that I
wasn’t always as diligent about it as I should have been. The calls alone
would have never raised a flag in our relationship, but when we had gone home
to spend some time with Court, Cait had been there and Sandra later said she
felt more chemistry between Cait and I than she had ever felt between the two
of us.
Sandra and I had met at a bar in the small town where I was stationed. I
took her home that first night, too drunk to keep my usual rule of making sure
the girl leaves before the sun comes up. She came back to the same bar
the following night it seems in hopes of finding me there and since that is
where my roommate wanted to have a few beers and watch the game we found each
other again. Already familiar enough to pass the usual hook-up pre-game talk;
she came home with me again that night. From there spending time with her
became a habit, and soon she helped make my time away from home a lot less
lonely.
I tried so hard to love her, and in a way I did, but she never took my breath
away and in the end I could not commit. Each time during those three
years I would think about breaking it off, I would remind myself that I was
being ridiculous obsessing over a girl that would never be mine. I would
convince myself that if I stuck it out long enough I would fall in love with
her. Three years later the pressure was on to marry her and while I want
to be married someday, the thought of being with her for the rest of my life
sounded equal to spending the rest of my life alone so I decided to just let
her go when she made the decision to leave.
None of it matters really; Cait had always been in love with Elliot. I
would have fought harder for her if I had thought I could give her the life she
deserved but I was a foster kid with a plan to join the military and she was
hopelessly in love with Elliot, a kid who came from money and had dreams of
becoming a doctor. The kiss that we shared just once would have to be
enough for a lifetime.
I sit here leaned up against the vehicle watching Marines scatter around me
returning fire and I exhale a breath as I lock my sight onto a man exiting a
small house with an AK-47. I take a deep breath and on my exhale I
squeeze my trigger and watch his body be riddled with bullets and then fall to
the dirt road covered in blood. I just need to make it out of here to
catch my flight home so I can be there when my sister leaves this earth.
Chapter 4
Cait
There is a noise outside and a beep of a setting car alarm. I can hear
the sound of the boots as they make their way up the steps of the front
porch. The screen door opens with a squeak and soon Matt stands before us
in his uniform, peering out below the bill of his hat. He is clean shaved
and tanned from the days working in the sun.
Matt takes his hat off as he steps forward and throws it onto the small table
besides us. He reaches down and swoops Courtney up from off my lap and
spins her around so that he is not facing me. At first I hold my breath,
so worried he will crumble her frail body under the weight of his muscular
arms. I can smell him now as they stay there embraced and it is the smell
of shaving cream and men’s soap and I draw in a deep breath.
Although he isn’t facing me I know his eyes are closed. Courtney is
crying and I can hear the muffled sound of whimpers as he begins to rock
her.
“I made it,” he whispers as he places her bare feet back on the ground.
“You made it,” she whispers back into his neck as she squeezes tighter.
She steps back and looks at him and he studies her. I can’t help but to
study him too. He is taller than I remember and the uniform hugs every
line of his body. I don’t know what it is about the Marines but they do
know how to make the ugliest of uniforms look sharp. Matt stands before
us a man, aged by the perils of war and loss.
He turns towards me and nods with a slight grin, “Cait, it’s been a while.”
I suddenly can’t speak and use all the power I can harness to nod in
agreement. He still has the same hard jaw line and dark hair that he had
when we were younger. As he runs his hand over his hair while reaching
for his hat I am suddenly mortified as I remember what I must look like.
I had come straight from work and have been crying for what feels like
hours. I quickly start playing with my hair and try to act very
nonchalant about flattening it and wiping under my eyes. Looking at the
black on my fingers I decide to give up, it’s hopeless. I must look like
a drowned rat and trying to recover is only calling more attention to it.
It only takes a glance from him to warm my soul and I feel a pull to be near him.
So much has happened these past weeks that I can’t even begin to untangle the
knots around my heart and figure out who or what each rope is comprised
of. I think the tightest rope is wrapped for Court, the need to rescue
her without that possibility is its own form of torture. A few tangled
ropes belong to Elliot and the dreams we shared along with our loss. I
can’t deny that Matt is there too, once I thought his connection to my heart
was buried deep but all this time it has been there, mixing with the others and
tangling around my heart leaving little room for happiness and lots of scar
tissue.
“Well, if you ladies don’t mind I am going to run out and get my bags,” he says
as he heads for the door.
“Of course,” Courtney says glancing at me with a mischievous grin. I try
to jump up from my vulnerable position on the couch before she can add what I
already know is coming but I cannot out run her and I am so grateful the screen
door slams as she whispers, “I don’t mind but I can see Cait does.”
“Stop it Court, I am not above hitting a dying woman. There is a first
time for everything.” She giggles as she mocks how I was attempting to
fix my appearance.
“Come on, if ever the two of you were going to hook up at least do me the honor
of making it happen before I die so I can hear how the two of you will live
happily ever after,” she says trailing off in her best fairytale voice.
“You know most girls would be totally grossed out at the thought of their best
friend ending up with their brother. Sorry to disappoint you but it is never
going to happen.” Well at least that is what I have been telling myself
for years. Matt is not going to happen for me. I only hope that
eventually my heart will get the memo. What are we shared was long ago
and as an adult I know that it was for the best but I can’t help but to
recognize how my heart rate has picked up just from being around him again.