Fear and Laundry (26 page)

“D’you miss me?” I asked her.

“Oh my God,” she said, squeezing me hard. “
Never
let me get you into trouble again. It’s been the
longest
two weeks of my life.”

“Mine too,” I concurred, gasping for air. When she finally let me go, I launched into another apology, telling her again how sorry I was Impressionable Youth had missed the benefit. “I feel awful that we worked so hard, basically for nothing.”

She wore a white dress shirt and little black necktie, a studded belt slung low around the hips of her black cigarette pants. Her hair was in two ponytails that bobbed when she shook her head. “Forget it. I’m the one who convinced you to break into Clyde’s room. It’s my fault. Besides, we could’ve had a
million
bands playing and it still wouldn’t have been enough. Roy just owes too much damn money.” Maybe if he’d told us he was in trouble sooner, she said, we could’ve fixed things.

She looked at me tearfully. “I’m so sorry, Vee. About the things I said before we went to the hotel that day. I can’t stop thinking about how awful and mean I must’ve sounded.” She didn’t really think I was a spineless weenie, she explained. She’d only said that because she knew it’d rile me up so much, I’d help her get into Clyde’s room just to prove she was wrong. It was selfish of her, she admitted. But once she got an idea into her head, it was kind of hard for her to see past it...

I was amused she seemed to think this was some sort of revelation to me. I told her she didn’t have anything to feel sorry about.

“No, no,” she insisted. “I’m the worst friend ever.”

I told her that if it made her feel any better, she’d likely been right about having been able to sneak up to Clyde’s room without having to hide in the laundry cart. I’d only insisted she do it, I confessed, because I’d been mad at her and wanted to make her pay.

She gasped. “That’s just wrong,” she said, her eyes growing round. “I mean, that is really evil.”

“I know it,” I said.

“I take it back. You’re the worst friend ever.” Then she threw her arms around me again.

As I hugged her back, I thought about how terribly I’d missed her the past two weeks. Now we were together again, I wanted nothing more than to sit down and talk to her about everything that’d happened since we’d last seen each other. I wanted to tell her all about George tearing me down and Mom defending me, to complain about how horrible ISS was, and shock her with the news I’d finally cleaned my room. And although I wasn’t sure how she’d take it, I knew I had to tell her about the situation with her brother and how I’d bungled it. I desperately wanted to ask if she thought there was any way I could fix it.

“Oh, Lia,” I said, feeling overwhelmed. Tears sprang to my eyes as she pulled away from me, looking concerned.

“What’s the matter?”

“Is Jake here with you?” I asked.

No, she said. Benji had given him his job back after all. He was working late but should be here in a while. “Why?”

I was about to start explaining things when Lynch’s front door opened and Paige emerged with Malik Rangel, the guitarist for The Grubby Mitts. They headed straight for Lia, Malik sweeping the knit cap off his shaved head and twisting it in his hands. Their singer wasn’t feeling so good, he explained. Did Lia mind jumping in on The Mitts’ set? They could show her the lyric sheets and do a quick sound check before the show started.

“Sorry, Malik,” said Lia. “I’m kind of in the middle of something right now.”

“Go on,” I sniffled. “We can talk later.”

She protested but I repeated she should do it. I’d be fine, really. Eventually she told Malik she’d play the set but needed a few minutes first. Then she took my arm and marched me around to the back of the building for some privacy, with Paige following close behind.

“What’s the matter with you?” Paige asked when she got a look at me. My tears bubbled up again as I leaned feebly against the wall.

“Jake kissed me,” I blurted.

“What?” Lia was stunned. “Jesus, when was this?”

Between hiccups and sobs, I explained about his visit to the school.

“That pig,” said Lia, grabbing my forearm.

“What?”

“You just wait. I’m going to kill him.”

“No.” I shook my head, realizing she’d misunderstood. “No, it’s okay.”

“Like hell it is,” she scowled. Beside her, Paige laughed. “What’s so funny?” Lia fumed.

“Well, I don’t think she minded,” Paige smirked at me. “Did you, Montez?”

When I couldn’t answer, Lia let go of my arm. “Vee. What the hell’s going on?” she asked, confused.

I shook my head miserably. “I’m sorry, Lia. I should’ve told you...”

“Oh my God,” Lia cut me off. “Oh my
God
.” She brought both hands to her heart.

“Ha. I knew it,” Paige gloated.

Lia shot me a hurt-filled look. “I
asked
you. I asked you and you told me you didn’t like him.”

I swallowed hard. I hadn’t thought it was possible, but now I felt even worse than before. When had I turned into such a liar, I wondered? It seemed I could never tell anyone how I actually felt about anything. “I didn’t want to weird you out,” I said lamely. And assuming Jake even liked me back – which, until recently, I hadn’t known he did – I thought she’d be against my having feelings for him, much less having any sort of relationship with him...

“Why?”

I didn’t answer.

“Because
I
don’t get along with him? Nice to know you think I’m a selfish bitch.” Tears welled in her eyes.

“I don’t think that,” I said, admitting I should’ve given her the benefit of the doubt.

“And I can’t believe you didn’t trust me,” she went on. “I tell you
everything
about the guys I like. Everything!”

“I should’ve told you,” I repeated, crying again.

“Yeah you really should’ve. If nothing else, it would’ve saved me the trouble of...oh, never mind,” she grumbled.

“The trouble of what?”

Nothing, nothing, she said, crossing her arms.

“You’ve got, like, snot,” Paige interjected, pointing at my face and wrinkling her nose.

“So make yourself useful and go get her some napkins or something,” Lia ordered her. Paige stuck her tongue out but did as she was told.

After Paige went inside, Lia stood very still in front of me, looking at her shoes and not saying anything.

“So...” I ventured meekly after a few agonizing seconds. “Are we...are we gonna be okay?”

She looked up, pain still evident on her face. “Course we are, Vee,” she said with a little nod and a weak smile. “Aren’t we always?”

“I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings...” I tried.

She held her hand up to cut me off. “It’s probably my own fault,” she surprised me by saying. She took a deep breath and let it out, murmuring that she knew she wasn’t always the easiest person to talk to. And she could see, given the way she’d often talked about Jake, why I’d be reluctant to admit my feelings for him to her. She forgave me, she said. Provided I never keep anything important from her ever again. “Ever,” she repeated. “I mean it.”

Relieved, I vowed I wouldn’t.

“And...you’re really okay with me and Jake?” I had to know.

Her mouth pulled up at one corner. “Sure. I’m not saying I get what you see in him or anything, but...Whatever makes you happy, Vee.”

Despite how horrible I felt, I almost laughed at her choice of phrase.

Her brother, she went on, might be “dumb and annoying as hell,” but she knew he was a decent guy. He’d be good to me. “But what made you change your mind?” she asked.

“Huh?”

“About Jake. He’s always liked you but you never seemed interested in him before. So what changed?”

“What’re you talking about?” What did she mean he’d always liked me?

She looked incredulous. “Vee, he’s been throwing himself at you since the first time I brought you over to our house for dinner.”

“Yeah, right,” I said.

“Yeah, right,” she said. Hadn’t I noticed the way he talked to me, she asked, the way he looked at me? It was so obvious he was into me, she figured I knew. “I assumed you didn’t like him back, or you’d have said or done something about it a long time ago. Believe me, it wouldn’t have taken much. He’s just been waiting for his shot.”

I’d noticed some things, I said, but I’d always thought he was joking around. That he was just being nice.

She rolled her eyes. If I really believed that, she said, then I was even dumber than Jake. “Maybe you two
are
a good match.”

Paige reappeared with the napkins. “Sheesh, you’re a mess,” she said as I wiped my nose. “If you like Jake and he likes you, then what’re you so upset about?” Had the kiss been a total letdown or what?

Hardly, I sniffed. Just the opposite.

“So?”

“So...” I bunched the napkins in my fist, hesitating to confess. “I screwed everything up,” I said. “Royally.” Keeping my eyes down, I haltingly recounted what’d happened in the A/V closet. The embarrassing way I’d reacted. The awful lie I’d told. When I’d finished, Paige laughed.

“Ow,” she said when Lia pinched her. “Sorry,” she said to me. “But you have to admit it’s kind of funny.”

“Funny?” I wailed. Couldn’t she see I’d blown it? Now Jake probably thought I was a psycho. Or that I hated him. Or both. Regardless, he’d probably want nothing to do with me ever again.

“Calm down, Vee,” said Lia. “Just talk to him when he gets here, okay? I bet he’ll understand.” He liked me so much, she said, he would at least try.

She was still trying to comfort me when Malik leaned out the back door of Lynch’s and called for her again. She yelled at him to hold his horses.

“Go on,” I told her. “They’re waiting for you.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’ll stay with her,” said Paige. “We’ll be fine.”

When we’d convinced Lia to go, Paige surprised me by patting my shoulder. “Oh, come on,” she said. “Lia’s right. It’s not that bad. Jake’ll understand.”

I shook my head. “But I don’t even know what to say to him. I don’t know why I freaked out like that.” How was I supposed to explain it to Jake when I didn’t even understand it myself?

“It’s no big mystery,” she said. I had real feelings for him and could probably sense he was serious about me, too. That he wanted more from me than just the “physical stuff” I was used to. “That scared you and you freaked,” she shrugged. “It’s not unheard of.”

I made a noise. “That’s stupid. Why would that scare me?” Wasn’t it a good thing to be offered more?

“Sure it is,” she said. “To a normal person.” To a control freak like me, however, it was apparently cause to bolt.

“Control freak?” I frowned. Did she know nothing about me? It felt like I’d lost control with every guy I’d ever been involved with. What about Layne? And Dustin? I’d been pretty weak with both of them.

“Speak of the devil,” Paige muttered, looking over my shoulder. I looked and saw Dustin ducking into Lynch’s back door with some girl I didn’t recognize. “I'm not talking about losing control to your hormones, dummy," she said. "Admit it. On some level, you knew there wasn’t really ever much at stake with a guy like that.” Not like there was with Jake, who not only offered me more, but also expected more in return. He wanted my heart, and if I gave it to him, he’d be in a position to really hurt me. It was scary stuff, she said. It was understandable I’d be afraid.

I wondered if she was right. I wasn’t emotionally close with too many people and had never been so with a guy before. Maybe I’d just been unused to and unprepared for the deep affection and implicit intimacy Jake’s kiss had conveyed. Was that what had sent me running? The more I thought about it, I had to admit she made sense. I blew my nose and asked her how she knew so much. Was she a cosmetologist or a psychologist?

Didn’t I know people told their hairdressers everything, she laughed? “They get in the chair and may as well be lying on a therapist’s couch.” Apparently, one could learn a thing or two about human nature by listening to people spill their guts all day.

The parking lot was filling up in front of us. I watched people stream past, talking and laughing on their way into Lynch’s. Almost as if they didn’t know the place was shutting down and that after tonight, everything would change.

“You liked him, too, didn’t you?” I asked Paige after a while. She knew I meant Jake.

A little, she said, tracing the mortar between two bricks in the wall. But she’d known for a long time he didn’t like her back. She’d even suspected I was the one he was “hung up” on because he mentioned me so often whenever I wasn’t around. “Guess it takes one to know one,” she said ruefully. “A control freak,” she clarified, admitting she’d probably only flirted with Jake so much because she’d known he didn’t like her, but me. She’d been able to have some harmless fun and treat it like a game with nothing on the line. “And it’s just so easy to push your buttons,” she added, smiling, “Once I figured out you liked him, too, I couldn’t help myself.”

“Thanks a lot,” I said, but smiled back.

A moment later, Katrina came outside and over to us. She told me Alex was inside asking if anyone had seen me.

“Great,” I said. Paige knew what I had to do next, and so looked at me sympathetically and wished me luck.

***

I
nside, two skateboarders were chasing each other around the washing machines. One of them almost creamed an old lady in an orange muumuu heading for a folding table with her basket of laundry, and I had to jump out of the other one’s way to avoid being knocked over myself. I stepped into the bathroom to wash my face and try to make myself look presentable, then went looking for Alex.

I found him by the Mortal Kombat machine, watching Dave Crippen slap at the controls and curse at the screen in excitement. When I greeted him, Alex smiled and led me to a flowered sofa beneath the picture window. We sank into the lumpy couch cushions, facing the pool tables.

Something had happened to the brick wall since I’d last been here. There was a hole punched in it, up high, and the bottom half of a store mannequin jutted straight out of the opening. I wondered how such a thing could happen, but then decided I probably didn’t want to know.