Family Inheritance (33 page)

The sobs continued and grew in depth as the sounds reached into her very core and
unveiled the tormented heart of a young child. They continued to grow in fierceness
as they tapped into the confusion and hatred she'd carried since her teenage years,
finally erupting as they reached the source of the contemptuous bitterness she'd
become one with as a grown woman.

As her humiliation, torment, and anguish were pushed through the dark perceptions
of her innermost shame and guilt, space was opened up inside of her for feelings
never before felt. A light giddiness settled over her. It was such a new experience
for Suzanne that she pushed it away and fought its existence.

But the good feelings wouldn't go away this time. She couldn't push them back and
hide them with her shaming tactics. They seemed to have a mind of their own as they
took over. A smile pushed at the corners of her mouth. She felt good! It couldn't
be ignored. She wanted to get up and dance around the room. It was silly to even
think of it, but her feet jiggled in rebellion of her chosen inaction.

“Are you okay, Suzanne?” the pastor asked.

“Yes, thank you,” she replied.

“You seem happy. Your eyes are dancing.”

“Mine? They are?” A giggle escaped from her smiling lips. “I do feel good.”
In fact,
I feel really good. I wonder why?
Suzanne had become used to confusion, anger, fear,
and anxiety. Joy, happiness, and hope were new to her. She didn't recognize them
when they surfaced.

“That's not unusual,” Pastor Andrews said.

“It's not?”
Is it really okay to feel this? Am I really going to be okay?

“Do you need to talk more, Suzanne?”

“No.” She had been required to talk so much lately that she was ready to stop talking
for a while.

“Would you like me to say a prayer, Suzanne?”

“Well, yes, I guess so. In fact, the seventh step is asking God to remove all my
shortcomings. This might be an appropriate time, don't you think?”

I don't want to mess up in AA. Please don't let me mess up in my recovery. Help me
to know what to do and when to do it. Please God, help me.

She bowed her head and closed her eyes. Then she felt the touch of his hand and her
eyes flew open, her hand abruptly pulled away from his, and fear washed through her.

Concern crossed the pastor's face, and he quickly said, “I didn't mean to frighten
you. I won't hurt you.”

“Oh, I know.” Suzanne was embarrassed by her reaction. “I guess I'm just jumpy.”

“Suzanne, would you start the prayer and then I'll finish?”

“Oh, well, yes. I guess.” She hesitantly bowed her head. “God, help me to remove
my shortcomings and to be a better person.” She didn't know what else to say. She
didn't know how to pray with a minister listening. She knew how she had learned to
talk to God, but that was her way, and she was sure it wasn't the right way.

Moments of silence passed and the pastor didn't pray. Suzanne didn't want to say
“amen,” because that would end the prayer and he hadn't had his turn yet. Slowly,
opening just one eye, she peeked at him. His eyes were closed and his head was bowed.
Closing her eyes, Suzanne whispered, “You can pray now, Pastor Andrews.”

Clearing his throat, he began, “Heavenly Father, we know your power and your love,
and we know that you can take all of the pain in this world and turn it into something
good and powerful. Lord Jesus, please take the pain this child of yours has experienced
and let it blossom inside her and grow into a blessing. Hear her, Lord, as she asks
for your help, and give her guidance and wisdom, Lord, to continue on the path of
sobriety. In your glorious name, we pray. Amen.”

The pastor's eyes glistened with tears. She didn't understand that he was feeling
compassion for her. She was uncomfortable. “Are we done now?”

He smiled. “We're done whenever you feel like you want to be done.”

“Oh. Okay. We're done.” Suzanne stood and awkwardly held out her hand. “Thank you.”

“Thank you, young lady, and may God bless you.”

“Thanks.” Suzanne smiled as she hurried outside. She was feeling happy and she intended
to relish in the euphoria and make it last as long as she could.
What makes me happy?
Images of Sarah and Sam popped into her head. The last time she had visited, Sam
had convinced her that she had to help him build a house with blocks, and she had.
With Sam she could be a child, and that was exactly what she needed right now.

Chapter 39

Atlanta, Georgia

Helene was slowly surfacing from a restful sleep when she heard the gentle tap on
her bedroom door. She turned to Bill's side of the bed only to find it empty. “Yes?”
she called.

Bill's head peeked in and Thomas was right behind him. “Morning, Mom,” he said with
a smile.

Bill came in with a tray. “We made you breakfast.”

“Breakfast? You two made breakfast?” Helene sat up in bed as they moved toward her.
She wasn't sure what this was all about, but she welcomed the thought of having breakfast
in bed. The old Helene would have worried about crumbs or spills, but this new Helene
relished the thought of being pampered.

“Scrambled eggs, toast, fruit, and coffee.” Thomas rattled off the menu.

“I'm impressed.” She smiled at Bill, who had placed the tray on her lap and then
turned to Thomas and placed an arm around his shoulder. She couldn't remember a time
when Bill had ever brought her a cup of coffee in bed, let alone breakfast.

“We're quite a team in the kitchen.” Bill's eyes twinkled.

Thomas's arm slipped up over his father's shoulder. “Unbeatable.”

Helene had never seen them like this together. Their eyes sparkled with laughter,
and their faces were gentle. “Well, what a nice surprise. Where are your breakfasts?”

“Downstairs,” Bill informed her.

“Will you join me?” She patted the space on the bed next to her.

“I'll get them,” Thomas volunteered on his way out of the room.

“I'll help.” Bill followed his son.

In a few minutes, they returned and sat together on the huge bed enjoying breakfast.
The eggs were a little salty, the toast was a bit burned, and the coffee was very
strong, but it was the best breakfast Helene could ever remember having.

After they finished eating, they curled up on the bed talking when Thomas asked,
“Why haven't you taken me to meet your family and see your mom? I know you've gotten
closer to your sisters because you talk about them a lot.”

“I didn't think you'd want to go.”

“Well, I do.”

“Why didn't you say so?”

“I don't always know. But I've been thinking, and I'd like to see Grandma before
she dies.”

“She doesn't look like herself, Thomas. She is frail.” One more time, she regretted
keeping her son away from her family for all these years. Would he have liked his
grandmother? Maybe her mom would have delighted in meeting her grandson.
Don't build
fantasies, Helene. Mom didn't delight in Alice's kids. She was who she was.
Helene
was still trying to figure out how to deal with who her mother was and love her as
she was. She hadn't gotten there yet even though she now felt a bond with the woman
she had stayed away from for two decades.

“I'd still like to see her.”

Helene glanced toward Bill. “I'm not sure when we could go. Christmas is only three
weeks away. Maybe after the first of the year.”

“Will she still be alive?” Thomas asked.

“I'm not sure.” A weight of sadness settled over Helene. She had mixed feelings about
Thomas seeing her mother the way she now was. Heck, she had mixed feelings about
Thomas meeting her mother, period. But she couldn't deny him the chance to see his
grandmother and meet his aunts and cousins. In fact, why would she want to? She had
spent her whole life keeping her past and present separate, and now that they were
merging, she wasn't sure how
to handle it. She recognized that it would take her
a while to adjust to her new reality.

Bill's voice was just above a whisper when he asked, “Why don't we go now? Before
Christmas?”

“Can we?” Feelings of surprise and gratitude gathered in Helene's chest.

“As soon as we can get plane reservations,” he responded. Then he glanced at Helene
and added, “I think it's time Thomas and I met your whole family.”

“I didn't realize it was so cold up here.” Thomas pulled his ski jacket collar up
around his neck. “How did you ever play outside when you were a kid? I'd freeze to
death.” They had just stepped out of the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport and were walking
toward their rental car.

“You get used to it,” Helene wrapped her wool coat snugly around her, “but I must
admit that my blood has thinned. It feels colder than it did when I was a kid.”

It was about a thirty-minute ride to the nursing home where she, Suzanne, and Alice
had transferred their mom before Helene had gone home. She hadn't been up to see
her mom since, but she sent flowers every week to help keep the room cheerful, and
Alice kept her updated on their mom's medical prognosis. Nothing had changed.

Snow covered the ground, and the windows of the nursing home were glazed with frost.
Helene, Bill, and Thomas willingly stepped into the warmth of the lobby. A few elderly
people were seated in the chairs scattered around the large room they passed as they
headed down the hall.

Her mother's room was eerily quiet, as the only sounds they heard were the machines
that monitored her vitals. The frail body was covered under a light blanket. Helene
walked to the side of the bed as Bill and Thomas stood close to the door. Helene
placed her hand against her mother's wrinkled cheek. “Mom,” she whispered, “I brought
some very special people to meet you.”

Helene stroked the old woman's forehead. “This is Bill, my husband. He's what I wish
you could have had. A good man makes such a difference.” Helene's tone was hushed
and soothing as she felt Bill come close to her. “And this is
Thomas, your grandson.
You'd really like him, Mom. He's such a nice young man.”

Helene reached into her bag and pulled out a beautifully wrapped Christmas package.
“See the colors, Mom? I remember you used to say you liked the colors of Christmas.”

Helene continued talking to her mom as she unwrapped the gift. Thomas and Bill stood
silently by her side. Pulling out a pair of colorful wool socks, she continued, “I
hope you like them. I remember you used to complain that your feet were always cold.
Mine are like that too. Did you know that? Well, these will keep your feet warm.”

Helene pushed back the side of the blanket and reached for the frail blue-tinted
feet. She felt Thomas back up a few steps. She carefully slipped on the socks. “You're
so cold. Do you need more blankets? I'll have the nurse bring more blankets.” She
tucked the covers around her mother the way she used to do with Thomas when he was
a child.

“She doesn't seem like she could be your mother,” Thomas whispered. “I mean, you've
always been so pretty.”

“She was pretty once, but life drained it from her,” Helene stated.

Bill rubbed her lower back and she felt calm. “I believe she hears us.” She turned
toward Thomas. “You can talk to her. She can hear you.”

Then Helene sat down on the edge of the bed. “I'm sorry you didn't get to know Thomas
before, Mom. So many mistakes in so many lives, for so many years, but we're doing
better now. We're all doing better.”

She rubbed her mother's arm. “I wish you were here to see it. Yet somehow, I feel
you do know. I feel you in this room, Mom. And you've changed. At first, I could
feel your hostility, but now I feel gentleness. I feel your love.” She took a breath.
“Is it you who's different? Is it me? Or have we both changed?”

As Helene's words trailed into quietness, Thomas slipped onto his knees by the bed.
“Grandma . . . it's nice to meet you.” His words were faltering and awkward. “I didn't
really know I had another grandma. I mean, Mom never told me. I mean, the few times
I asked, she said she wasn't close to her family.” He was struggling and panic covered
his face.

Helene smiled at her son. “She understands, Thomas. She understands.”

They visited a little while longer, then piled in the car and headed down the road.
They hadn't spoken since they left Helene's mother's room. The silence was a comfortable
one, yet it was permeated with sadness. Helene turned around to make sure Thomas
was okay. His eyes were closed and small snores were emanating from his mouth. She
marveled at his ability to fall asleep so quickly.