Discovering Stella (17 page)

I moaned deliriously
as
my
tongue desperately sought his,
my
body awash with sensations that had
long
evaded me. Maybe
it
had something to do with the extensive time lapse, I
wasn’t
sure,
but
as
his finger rubbed against
my
clit, the shockwaves of pure bliss
it
created were amplified far
more
than
I’d ever experienced.
“Oh,
god
...
fuck
...”
I rasped, closing
my
eyes. “Lawson, that feels —”

“Fucking perfect,” he interrupted,
hot
breath caressing
my
lips.

“Yes
...
please
don’t
stop.
Whatever
you
do,
please
don’t
stop.”

“Princess, I
don’t
plan
to,”
he mumbled between kisses.
“At least not
until
you’ve
come
on
my
hand.”
Lawson then hoisted me higher, allowing enough room
for
his other finger to slide inside me. I gasped at the wonderful intrusion coupled with the cold water that accompanied it,
all
the while feeling the walls of
my
pussy clench around him.

“Relax,” he whispered, slowly sliding his finger
out
and then in
again
while placing small kisses across
my
collarbone.
“You
are so fucking beautiful.”

My
bra unclipped at the flick of his hand, and hung loosely
over my
chest, releasing
my
breasts
for
him to hungrily take advantage of by sucking a
nipple into
his mouth and flicking
it
feverishly with his tongue.
“Oh my
...”
I murmured
as
my
head fell back and
my
fingers brutally gripped his hair.

He
groaned loudly and sucked
harder,
stretching
my
nipple
away from
my
body just slightly before letting
it
go with a pop of his lips.
“Fuck,
Stella.”

I was so tightly strung and ready to burst that I wanted to scream.
My
cheeks were warm and
my
head felt
as
if
it
were
on
fire.
All
moisture had fled
my mouth,
leaving me no
option
but
to keep licking
my
lips with every breath I took in.

Lawson sensed
my
body climbing toward orgasm so increased his fingers’ actions, pumping and twitching them exquisitely and causing a flush of heat to slowly filter through.

“Let
go,”
he said with a
tone
that spoke of unwavering desire. His request was
all
that was needed
for
me to release everything I had built up inside, so I did what I was
told
and exploded with pleasure, gripping him with
my
hands and legs and dropping
my
head to rest against his.

Panting
profusely,
I let moans and words of appreciation exit
my
mouth before Lawson pressed his lips to mine and kissed me
passionately,
his fingers slowing in
order
to let me ride
out
my
orgasm.

As
I gradually came back down to earth, so did
my
warring emotions, internally conflicting with
one
another and leaving me no
option but
to keep
my
eyelids closed. What
my
body was experiencing scared me to death, and
for some
reason, I
couldn’t
bear to open
my
eyes and face him.

Lawson released his hand from between
my
legs and placed
it
with the other
on
either
side
of
my
face, holding me still while continuing to kiss me
deeply. Suddenly,
it
was too much: the guilt, the anger, the orgasm
...
my
feelings toward him. I tried desperately to remain in
control
and curb everything I was feeling,
but
I failed miserably and let
out
a pain-filled sob together with the tears that were flooding
my
eyes.

The absence
of
Lawson’s
lips indicated he’d pulled
away.
The loss of their warmth and touch was
horrible
and that only confused me further.

“Talk
to
me,”
he said
quietly,
keeping
hold
of
my
face.

“I
can’t.”

“Yes,
you
can.
You
need
to
talk.
You
can’t
keep bottling
shit
up.”

Shaking
my
head, I refused to open
my
eyes and face him. I was too ashamed and embarrassed that I’d begged him to do what he had and
now
I regretted it, regretted letting go
for
the first time in a
long
time.

Quickly, I
lowered my
head and tried to hide
my
face in the crook of his neck.
“I
can’t
.”

“Stella, look at
me,”
he said
firmly.

“No.”

Despite
my
struggle, Lawson lifted
my
face with the tip of his finger. “Open your fucking
eyes.”

They opened at his demand, allowing me to see his annoyed face, which only reaffirmed
my
regretful feelings.
Oh no, I’ve ruined everything.

“This was a mistake. I
shouldn’t
have asked
you
to do that. I
shouldn’t
have
enjoyed
it,”
I said
quickly,
pushing against his chest in
order
to free myself from his grip.

He
held me,
resolutely.
“Stop! Stop
fighting it.
You’re
allowed to
enjoy
yourself.”

“Lawson, let me
go,”
I pleaded, reaching behind to fasten
my
bra.
“You
don’t
know what
you
are
talking
about.”

“No.
I’m
not
going to let
you
run any
more.
You
said
you
didn’t
want to run, remember?
No more
running.”

Struggling to break his
hold,
I started crying harder and found the bottom of the river when
my
feet met the
squishy,
slippery mud.
“You
don’t
know me.
You don’t
know anything about
me.”

He
fought
my
flailing arms and clenched fists, gripping them tighter and pinning them between our chests. “Then tell me.
Tell
me about your husband. What did he do to you? Where is he?”

“He’s
dead,
all
right?
 
He’s
gone,”
I screamed,
yanking
my
hands free.

Lawson’s
eyes widened at
my
declaration. I, too, stood in shock at
my
outburst,
but
then quickly covered
my
mouth with both hands to
prevent
anything further coming
out.

I’ve
learned from experience that silence
can
suffocate
you
if
you
let it.
It’s
an
invisible presence, weighing heavily
on
your lungs, inevitably
making
it
difficult to breathe and therefore speak in
order
to break it. Silence had suffocated me many times during the past eighteen months, and I was
more
than
aware of its objective and overcame
it
before
it
succeeded.
“I
can’t
do this,” I said
quietly. “I
thought I could
but
I
can’t.
I
probably
never will.”
Turning
around, I
broke
the
water’s
surface with
my
hands and pushed
it
behind me, propelling me forward so that I could make
my
way back to the bank
as
quickly
as
possible.

“Stella, wait! I want to
help
you.”

“You
can’t.”

He
grabbed
my
shoulder to
try
and turn me around.
“Yes,
I
can.”

“Please
don’t.
Please
don’t
touch me. Please, just leave me
be.”

S
hrugging off his hand, I continued
out
of the
water and
quickly made
my
way to
my
dress, frantically picking
it
up and sliding
it
over
my
head. I then stepped
into
my
flip-flops and began
walking
up the small riverbank.

“Where are
you
going?” he asked in
an
annoyed
tone.

Without
turning to face him, I continued.
“I’m
walking
back.”

He
huffed angrily.
“Don’t
be so stupid. What about your foot?”

“It’s
fine. I’ll be
fine.”

“Stella!” he yelled, his
loud tone
making
me jump and stop in
my
tracks.

Turning
slowly,
I glared at him.
“Don’t
you
dare yell at me. I said I’ll be
fine.”
I turned back around and took another step before slumping
my
shoulders and sighing. The expression
on
his face had been heartbreaking; a look of confusion and hurt, and to know I was responsible
for
putting
it
there
tore
me to shreds. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt the only person I’d felt comfortable being
honest
with, which was why I had to distance myself from him. I
couldn’t
give him what he wanted, and there was no use stringing him along and providing false hope.

“Look,
I’m
sorry
for
what just
happened,”
I said
sincerely,
struggling to say the words and biting back
more
tears.
“I
didn’t
mean to lead
you
on.
But
you
and I are
not
going to happen.
Not
now.
Not
ever.
Please, just let
it
go.”

With that, I continued
on
and began the painstaking trek back to the house.

Knights get back on their horses

Watching
as
she walked
away,
weaving in and
out
of the trees until the pale
blue
of
her
dress could no longer be seen, I realised there was
not
a
damn
thing I could do about it.

“Fuck!” I said under
my
breath, standing
on
the
walking
path like a lost kid without a bloody clue.
I fucked up. I knew it! I knew she
wasn’t
ready.

As
desperately
as
I wanted to go
after
her and somehow convince her to let me back in, to continue to open up and
trust
me with her past, I knew deep down that at
this
particular
point in time
it
wouldn’t help.
It
was
clear that my pushy ways of breaking down her
wall
only worked in the short-term, because she would then
put
the
wall
straight back up
afterward,
with stronger reinforcement.
Shit! What am I going to do?

I honestly had no idea. I
was
so
far
out of my element
it
wasn’t
funny.
What
Stella
was
dealing
with
was
bigger
than
anything
I’d ever come across, and I now
knew
it
to be much bigger
than
I’d first thought.
To
be honest though, I
didn’t
really
know what I’d first thought. Yeah, I’d recognised her hurt and pain, because
it
was
something I’d felt when Mum passed
away.
I’d
also
recognised anger — another emotion I
was
familiar
with — but there
was
a hell of a lot more going on inside that pretty little head of hers, more that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Looking toward where she had disappeared through the trees,
I once
again
deliberated going after
her.
Shit! Is it desperate of me to chase her down?
Will
it scare her off even more? Probably.
Maybe I should just do what she asked and back the fuck off. In fact,
some
distance would no
doubt
be a good thing
for
the both of us — she fucking drove me crazy.

Never in
my
life had I felt so many differing feelings
all
at once: aggravation, lust, curiosity, combined with
an
overwhelming need to protect
her.
But
from
what? I had no bloody idea.
I need a goddamn drink
...
and to break something.

Wringing
my
shorts
against
my
legs, I squeezed the excess
water
out
and
headed toward
the truck,
replaying
her words
over
and
over
in
my
head.
‘Please
just
touch me and make me feel good. I
want
to feel
good
again.’
Obviously
she
didn’t
know what
she
bloody
wanted.
I’d made
her
feel good
...
without
a friggin’
doubt.
Her shuddering
body,
breathless pants and sexy fucking moans
were
clear
indications
that I’d made
her
feel
more
than good.

“Can’t
fucking
win,”
I mumbled with frustration
as
I stepped
over
a
broken
branch.

What
did
that
mongrel do to her?
Not
knowing was
doing
my
head
in. I
couldn’t
help
thinking the
worst.
Had
he
physically
hurt
her?
Had
he played
mind
games and fucked with
her
head?
Had
he forced
himself
on her?
Shit!
The
possibilities were
endless.
And
how did the fucker die?
Could
it
be
possible
that
Stella
had
some
thing
to do
with
it
and
that’s
why she
was running?
Double
shit!

Deliberating
that very
question,
I arrived at
my
truck and fished through the back
of
the cab
for
a spare pair
of
jeans. In
my
line
of
work,
I was
forever
getting
dirty,
so I always
kept
a stash
of
cloth
ing
handy. Now
don’t
get
me wrong,
a
little
grease and dirt
never
hurt
anyone,
but
sometimes
I
couldn’t
be
bothered
going
home
to
change
before
I
went
out. A
nd right
now,
out
was
where
I
wanted
to
be. The last thing I
wanted to do
was head back
home
and see Stella. I had
too
many fucking unanswered
questions
and I sure as hell
wasn’t
in the right frame
of
mind
to
be asking
her
for
answers.
No,
I
needed
to
keep
my
distance. At least
for
a
little
while. I
needed to
think
about
something
else
...
or not
think at all.

*
 
*
 
*

“What’ll
it
be?”
Todd
asked from behind the bar.

Sullenly twisting a drink coaster between
my
fingers, I answered, “Beam and
Coke.”

He
grabbed a glass and poured the bourbon. “What’s up with you? And
where’s
Stel?”

“Home,
I think.”

“What do
you
mean
you
think
?” he asked, with
an
edge of concern, while filling the rest of
my
glass with Coke and passing
it
to me.

“She
asked to go to the
river,
then she flipped the fuck
out
and wanted to
walk
back
home
on
her
own.”

Todd
had been wiping the bar
top
with a cloth,
but
stopped hastily and looked
up,
his eyes searing through me like a friggin’ laser beam. “What? And
you
let her?”

“Mate,
your stepsister is
one
of the most stubborn chicks
I’ve
ever met. If she wanted to
walk
back
on
her
own, there was no way I was going to be able to stop
her.
So I
didn’t,”
I explained,
taking
a drink.

The
sense
of
relief
I
felt
when
the
bourbon
and
Coke
slid
down
my
throat
was fucking
brilliant.
Yes,
this
is
just what
I need
right
now.
I
continued
to
drink
until
I’d
skolled
the
lot,
then,
placing
my
glass
down
on
the bar
top,
I
requested
another
one.
“Fill
her
up.”

“What the fuck happened?”
Todd
asked angrily.

A sarcastic chuckle escaped
my
mouth.
“She
changed
her
mind.”

“About
what?”

“Me,”
I said with a fake smile.

“I
knew something was going
on
between the two of you.
Fucking knew
it.”

Todd’s
eyes were blazing
fury
at me when good ol’
Larry
inter
rupted from his
position
down the other
end
of the bar.
“Todd,
I’m
empty.
Not
good, young fella.
Not
good at
all.”

“We
are
not
done
here,”
Todd
spat
out,
raising his
eyebrow
at
me.

“Never thought we
were,”
I called back.

In the minute
or
two
it
had taken him to see to
Larry
and then make his way back to where I was waiting
for
a refill, I’d decided to be
honest
with him.
But
I
wasn’t
going to tell him
Stella’s
secret. That was
for
her
to tell
her
stepbrother when she was
ready.

“Talk,”
he said
abruptly,
placing another Beam and Coke
heav
ily
on
the bar
top
in
front
of me,
some
of
it
spilling
over
the edge and soaking
into
the coaster.
What a fucking waste of good grog.

I frowned,
but
then snatched
it
up and skolled it, eyeing him
as
the
contents
disappeared
into my
mouth. When I finished, I slid
it
back to him, knowing that I
wouldn’t
have to request another.
He
knew the drill.

“Over the past two weeks,
we’ve
gotten close —”

Todd
leaned forward, entering
my
personal space.
“How
close?”

“Settle down.
Not
that close.
We’ve
kissed a few
times.”

 
“I
swear to god, Lawson,
you
fuck
her
around and I’ll fuck
you
around. I
don’t
care what Meg says —”

“Todd,
I’m
not
gonna fuck Stella around. I like
her.
Really fucking like
her.
But
she’s
got demons, man. And
one
hell of a
secret.”

He
passed me another drink, and this time I only
drank
half.
“Did
she tell
you
who she was running from?”

“Not
exactly.”

“Well,
what did she tell you?”

“I
can’t
say,
mate.
It’s
not
my
place to pass
on
what
she’s
shared with
me.”

“Don’t
give me that bullshit,” he said dismissively.

“I’m
not. If Stella wants
you
to know then she’ll tell you.
Trust
me, I want
her
to fucking tell
you.” I took
another drink.
“She
needs to
talk
to
someone
about it. I managed to get
her
to open up and share
some
of the shit she is dealing with,
but
...
now?
I
wouldn’t
be surprised if
she’s
closed up
shop
again.”