Cuts Run Deep (17 page)

I couldn’t figure out why he was pushing me away. Shouldn’t I have been the one who wanted nothing to do with him after what he told me? He kissed Tanya for god sakes. But I was willing to forgive him. I’d already forgiven him for going after Bentley even after I told him not to, and I could forgive him for this too.

It would be better than losing him. That was something I couldn’t handle.

“You deserve someone better than me, Piper.” Jackson stepped away from me.

“I don’t want anyone else.” I reached for him, my fingers closing around his wrist.

He shook me off, and it hurt more than his words. “You need to let me go. I’m nothing but poison. I destroy everyone around me.”

“What are you talking about?” Desperation bloomed inside me. “No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.” He whirled away from me, walking swiftly toward my bedroom door.

Desperation blossomed into panic. I knew that if Jackson walked out the door he would walk out of my life too. I worried that I’d lose him for good. How had this happened? “Jackson, please, don’t do this. I need you.”

He spun around, and hope unfurled in my chest. When he grabbed me by the shoulders, I thought I had him back. “No, you don’t need me. Trust me, you’re better off without me. You’ll see.” When he released me, I felt like I’d been slapped in the face.

“No. It can’t be over. It can’t end this way.”

Jackson paused for a minute, searching my face. Sadness flickered in his eyes as he turned away from me. “I have to go.” Without looking back he hurried to the door.

Stunned, I watched him walk out. I stood in the middle of my room, tears streaming down my face as the boy I loved more than life itself left me. I heard him walking through the house. It took him longer to leave than I thought. I guess he did have to put back on his jacket and shoes. I could hear him rummaging around, and I wanted to go to him, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure I could take the rejection again, so I stayed frozen in place as if my feet had been glued to the carpet.

When I finally came out of my self-induced stupor I raced to the family room but he was gone. I ran to the front door and flung it open just in time to see Jackson climbing into his car.

“Jackson!” I hollered just as he slammed his door closed.

When I watched him peel off down the street, I wasn’t even sure he’d heard me. Defeated, I swung around and walked into the house with my head bent. When I got inside, I fell to my knees and burst into tears. I didn’t know how long I sat on my knees crying, but it seemed like a long time. And it must have been awhile, because the sky kept darkening as the sun disappeared for the night. No matter how many tears fell, more followed. Honestly, I had no idea that much liquid was in my body. The taste of salt lingered on my tongue, my mouth and face ached. My heart was shattered and broken, and I wondered how I’d survive.

He’d won me over. He couldn’t walk away now. How dare he make me promises and then break them. How dare he make me love him and then abandon me. Angry, I stood up and went into my room to search for my phone. There was no way I could just let Jackson go. I had to call him, to talk him into coming back. My phone was lying on my dresser, and I plucked it up.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw that I had a text from Jackson. It had come through a few minutes ago. With trembling fingers I typed in my password and went into my messages.

Jackson: I’m sorry.

I smiled, his words assuring me that it wasn’t over between us. And it made me feel silly for freaking out. Of course he wouldn’t break it off with me. We were too connected, too in love to throw it all away.

Me: It’s ok.

Holding my breath, I awaited his response. I prayed he would say he was on his way back.

Jackson: I hope one day you can forgive me.

His text confused me. Had he not gotten my last one?

Me: I already do.

Nothing. Minutes ticked by and he offered no response. Anxious, I tapped my foot on the ground. Unable to stand still any longer, I started walking down the hallway, holding the phone in my palm. It vibrated, and I paused in front of my parents’ room.

Jackson: Find me in the stars.

I inhaled sharply. Why would he say that? Confused, I lifted my head and my gaze landed inside my parents’ room. My stomach tightened. What the hell? The door to the safe was open. Heart hammering, I scurried to it and peered inside. The gun was gone.

My mind flew back to a memory of a few weeks earlier. Jackson and I were lying in my bed talking, and I was complaining about my dad. I mentioned how unimportant I was to him, citing how even the password on his safe was 0531, signifying the date he graduated medical school, not his own daughter’s birthday like I imagined most dads used. He was the only other person who knew that password other than my parents. And I knew they didn’t take the gun. They hadn’t even been home.

Did Jackson take it? And why?

Swallowing hard, I dialed his number. My arms quivered with terror as I brought the phone to my ear. When the phone went to his voicemail I groaned. Immediately I dialed again. After three tries he finally answered.

“Jackson,” I breathed out his name.

“I’m sorry, Piper. I’m so sorry.” He sniffed, his nose stuffy.

Was he crying?

“What’s going on? Where are you?” I shouted, racing toward the front door. Reaching down I picked up a pair of shoes near the door with my free hand.

“I did something awful. I wanted to tell you the other night when we were here, but I couldn’t.”

“What other night?” I asked.

“I told you that night that I’d live on forever in your heart and in the stars. Remember that. I love you, Piper.”

“No! Wait!” I cursed under my breath when I realized he’d hung up. The other night? Blossom Mountain. That had to be where he was. After slipping on my shoes, I grabbed my keys and tore out the front door.

Everything was a blur as I drove out to the mountain. My mind raced, my hands shook. When I reached my destination I was actually surprised to make it unscathed. After leaping out of the car, I ran as fast as I could up the hill to the place where Jackson and I had been the other night.

He stood with his back to me. The sky was dark, only lit by the moonlight. Relief swept over me at the sight of him. He was alive. He was okay. Before I could relish in it, Jackson’s hand lifted, the gun in between his fingers. He brought it up to his temple.

“Jackson!”

He whirled around, still holding the gun. “Piper?”

“What are you doing?” I stepped forward, the grass and leaves crunching under my tennis shoes. Wind whipped around me, kicking up my hair. It swirled around my face, the strands catching on my eyelashes.

“I killed him, Piper.” His lips trembled.

“Who?” My pulse quickened.

“Shane,” he said in a shaky voice.

Confusion clouded my mind. “What are you talking about? He killed himself. You said so yourself.”

“But it was my fault.”

I fought to breathe evenly as I took another step forward. “Jackson. Please just put down the gun and tell me what happened. We can work this out.” A part of me wanted to call the cops so they could stop him from doing this, but I knew that wasn’t an option. Not with the things he was saying.

He lowered the gun, but he didn’t put it down. He kept his fingers locked tightly around it. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. You have to know that.”

“I do know that.” I kept my gaze trained on the gun. “You’re a good person. Of course you never meant for anyone to get hurt.”

“But they did get hurt, and it’s my fault.”

I glanced around, wishing someone would come and help me. But it was silent. We were on a mountain late at night. The rest of the town was in bed or sitting in their homes watching TV. I thought about all the nights Jackson and I lie in my bed together. God, I wished we could be doing that right now.

“Who are they?” I asked “You only mentioned Shane.”

“Bentley and Shane.”

“Bentley deserved it,” I said. “And you didn’t kill Shane.”

“I told Tyler and Zach he was gay, and they harassed him. Bullied him until he couldn’t take it anymore.”

I reeled back from the strength of his words. Closing my eyes, I took deep breaths to keep from throwing up. I literally felt sick. Why hadn’t Shane told me the extent of what was going on? I had no idea it was that bad. I mean, I knew people were talking about him being gay, and I’d heard about the stuff on Facebook, but I didn’t have an account so I never saw it. Shane never acted like it was that big of deal when we spoke though. Then again, he’d sort of shut down to me lately. I figured he thought I was the one who told his secret. And I guessed I sort of was, only I didn’t know it. God, I hated Tyler and Zach. I hated this whole screwed up town. Hated all the narrow-minded, judgmental people. Why couldn’t they just allow Shane to be who he was? Why couldn’t they accept him? I wanted to hate Jackson too, but I couldn’t. I knew he never wanted any of this. He was a good person with a kind heart. He’d made a mistake, that’s all. When I opened my eyes, Jackson was lifting the gun again.

I held out my arms. “Jackson, please stop. It wasn’t your fault. It was Tyler and Zach’s. Not yours.”

“It was mine. God, I don’t even recognize myself anymore, Piper. First I beat the shit out of Bentley, and now Shane is dead because of what I said.” He shook his head. “I’ve changed, and I don’t like who I’ve become.”

“Jackson, you can’t do this. I love you. I need you.” I walked toward him.

“No!” He hollered, startling me. “Stay back. I have to do this. It’s the only way to end it. I can’t live like this anymore.”

“Jackson,” I whispered his name, a plea.

His finger lowered onto the trigger. Shit, he was really going to do this.

“I love you, Piper,” he said, pushing down further with his finger. “I’m sorry.”

“No!” Without thinking of the consequences I lunged for him, my arms flailing out in an effort to grab the gun. My fingers connected with his arm and yanked down just as a loud popping noise filled my ears. So loud it was deafening. Jackson slumped forward, his body falling to the ground. I struggled to stay standing. Blood spurted from his chest. My body swayed, the earth seeming to spin on its axis.

“Jackson?” I dropped to the ground beside him, my hands touching his chest, his arms. Blood was everywhere. “Oh, God, what did you do?” Looking up at his head, I saw that it was unharmed. But there was a hole in his chest. Maybe when I yanked down on his arm I saved his life. I mean, a chest wound isn’t as bad as a head wound, right? I wasn’t sure that was true, and Jackson wasn’t moving.

I needed to get help, and I needed to do it now. When I started to stand up, my knee brushed the gun. I picked it up. I didn’t know why. Maybe because irrationally I worried Jackson would wake up and use it again to finish himself off. There was still hope he would make it. I shoved my free hand into the pocket of my jeans. Shit. Where was my phone? My head snapped back to my car. I must have left it inside.

Jackson still wasn’t moving. I didn’t have much time. With wobbly legs, I hurried toward my car. After a few steps, my toe hit something hard and stable. I was moving so fast I was unable to right myself. My body pitched forward. Holding out my arms, I hoped they would take the brunt of the fall, but they didn’t. I landed with a sickening thud, pain piercing through my head. Then everything went black.

Do you ever think about where you go when you die? I never used to. I figured that was something I could ponder when I was an eighty year old man pushing around his walker. However, I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I’ve thought about it a lot since Shane died.

It’s weird to know you are responsible for someone’s death. I mean, I know I didn’t shove the pills down the guy’s throat, but I might as well have. My words started the chain of events that led to his suicide.

If only I could go back in time and take it back, but life doesn’t work like that. We don’t always get second chances.

When I look in the mirror lately I don’t even know who the guy is staring back at me. Before meeting Piper I was different. Being with her changed me. At first I thought that was a good thing, but now I’m not so sure.

I beat a guy almost to death. And yeah, he deserved it. But still, I can’t get the vision of his face out of my mind, all bloody and bruised. I did that to him. It was my bare hands that inflicted that damage.

Then I let my jealousy of Shane drive me to act like a complete asshole to him, and now he’s gone. And I have to live with the consequences of what I’ve done.

However, I don’t think I can live with it anymore. The guilt is eating me alive. It’s poisoning my insides. I can’t think about anything else. And it’s destroying me.

I can’t stop pondering Romeo and Juliet, and I wonder if they did make the right choice. Lately I’ve been fantasizing about being them. About letting go. About closing my eyes and never opening them again.

Perhaps Piper is right and they went somewhere peaceful where they can be together. I like the sound of that. Peace is something I could use right now.

I can’t ask Piper to go with me. She needs to stay here and live her life. But it’s my time. I know that now. I’m ready for the guilt and shame to end. I’m ready to find peace.

If you are reading this, please know that I didn’t take this decision lightly. Please know that I didn’t want to leave you, but I saw no other choice. I hope you can understand, and I hope you can forgive me.

Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good bye till it be morrow.