Confessions After Dark (36 page)

Alex let her hit him over and over, steeling his muscles against her blows. Ignoring the pain, he held her tighter, his voice trying to calm her down, his fingers stroking her hair while his other arm wrapped around her as tightly as he could. It was unbelievable that this hysterical reaction was coming from this woman.

“Baby, it wasn’t like you think. I couldn’t… Shhhh…”

“I hate you!” she cried again. “Are you happy? Seeing me so broken and out of control? Did you make fun of me with your whore? Did you kiss her? Was this what you wanted from the beginning? Is this your revenge for that fucking phone call? Tell me, Alex!”

Alex rolled over on top of her and held both hands above her head, his own heart aching as he caged her in with his body. He was burning, his skin crawling until he wanted to rip it off. Somehow, he had to make her understand. His very life depended on it.

“Angel, listen to me!”

She closed her eyes and struggled against his iron hold, her body shaking with the force of her sobs.

“Do you think you’re the only one affected? I can’t work; I think of little else, keeping myself sane only by talking to Allison and Cole, working with Gant to make sure Swanson gets put away, but even that is about
you
. I thought we were in a good place, until you found the file. I should have gotten rid of the damn thing, but I didn’t think twice about it! I haven’t touched it since the night we met.”

“There are too many lies between us.” She turned her face away, tears still dripping from her eyes, and her chest heaving. Her heart was broken, yet he was here, close, and even if it was screwed up, she needed him to take it all away, to rewind the world and erase all that went wrong between them. He was the only one that could ease the ache, and Angel was desperate for it to go away.

“I watched you tonight, looking so fucking amazing, so magnificent, and was so proud of you. Then it all fell apart when I came backstage and Kyle was touching you, your name tattooed on his shoulder like a brand! I felt like I was having a goddamned heart attack! Do you think I’m not suffering? That I haven’t
been
suffering? The way you tease me, taunt me… staying just out of my reach! You suck me in closer, and then pull away again! You’re sending me to hell and I’ve had enough!”

“No, I wasn’t! I’ve… missed you.” She shook her head violently and gasped as the admission ripped from her. “I would have told you after my last set, if it all didn’t go to hell. You fucking destroyed me when you left with her!”

He rested his forehead against hers and tried to steady his breathing. Angel had stopped struggling, but tears still dripped from her eyes. Those eyes, so deep he could lose his soul in them.

“I know. I knew it would.” He sighed heavily and prepared for what came next. “Yes, I went to Whitney’s tonight. I was drunk off my ass, and I
wanted
to fuck her.” Angel heaved beneath him, once again trying to be free as another sob broke from her throat. “But, not because I wanted
her
! I wanted to get you out of my head!” he said urgently. “I
couldn’t do it
, Angel! I don’t want anyone else!” Alex’s chest heaved with the exertion of her struggles and his emotions. His heart thudded heavily in his chest and his breathing was shallow. “I’m—” He paused as he struggled with himself. “—
in love
!” he almost shouted. “Jesus! Can’t you see it?”

She stopped struggling as her eyes snapped open, and his mouth found her cheek in a slow, gentle caress, the salty wetness of her tears found purchase on his tongue. His own eyes welled, and his voice thickened. “Agony and ecstasy all rolled up into one.
You
are
everything to me
.”

Alex’s chest was heavy as he struggled for breath, his heart constricting, throat aching. He waited for words that never came. Fresh tears squeezed out of her eyes as she gasped for her own breath.

“I went crazy seeing you in his arms. I don’t want to see another man’s hands on you again. Never. Again. Is that clear?” His hot breath fanned her temple as his lips moved against her skin.

“You don’t own me.”

“
We own each other
. We both know what this is, so just… fucking…
stop denying it!
You belong with me. Admit it.”

“If that’s true, then why are you acting so damn insane right now?” she breathed.

Alex’s knee moved between her legs and he pressed his thigh on her sex, letting go of her wrists and lowering his body to hers, the fingers of one hand gently entwining with hers as his other ran down her body, over the soft swell of her breast. His eyes never left hers as she gasped.

“Because you drive me to it. Because this is mine,” he whispered against her cheekbone, “and this….” He squeezed her breast gently, bushing his thumb over the nipple as it hardened. His thigh pressed against her heat, making her body open and moisten against her will. She moaned softly in protest.

Instantly, his body sprang to life, filling so fast it hurt as his cock rubbed painfully against the constricting denim and Angel’s thigh. His hand moved further down between them to cup her, his fingers pressing into her soft, hot flesh until she arched up into him. “And this…” he whispered, “every inch… all of you.
Mine
.” Finally, he let his mouth take hers in a deep kiss. Angel cried into his mouth, trying to resist until she gave in, opening fully, her tongue sliding against his in ravenous hunger, both of them forgetting everything else as their bodies melted together, and he settled against her.

Jesus, it hurts so bad
, her heart cried, tears falling even as she surrendered to the inevitability of his ownership and her love.

Angel pulled her hand free of his and pulled him closer, her hands going to his hair and then the side of his face as the kiss gentled, his mouth seeking and lightly sucking on hers.

“I hate that you make me so weak,” she said brokenly.

“I’m just as weak. I can’t stay away from you.”

“How could you touch her? Didn’t you know what that would do to me?” She curled into him, her arms tightening around him, holding on for dear life as she let go of everything she’d held in aan sobbed her heart out. “I di-didn’t… wa-want to fe-feel like this.”

Alex’s heart swelled with hope, yet screamed in pain at the same time. He gathered her shaking body closer still, and her arms and legs encircled him, her hot tears soaking into the shoulder of his shirt. They both fought to get closer even though they were tangled up together. Alex wanted to take her pain away, to soothe her and make sure she knew how much she meant to him. For her to be this upset, surely she must love him in return. He stopped and looked down into her sad eyes, his fingers gentle as his knuckles brushed the side of her face, pushing the hair back.

“Yes, I knew, but I needed you to admit your feelings. I was out of my mind with jealousy. Angel: I’m so sorry. I have no other excuse,” he said, his tone like velvet. His nose nuzzled hers until she responded, and finally, he placed a series of soft, open kisses to her now willing mouth as her breathing evened out and deepened. She was calmer now, and Alex needed to finish the conversation. She still hadn’t said she loved him, and it ate at his insides. He never thought three simple words would have come to mean so much to him.

Alex forced himself to pull away, rolling off her and sitting on the edge of the bed. Angel was surprised, her skin cold from the sudden loss of his body heat. She turned onto her side toward him, her eyes wide in confusion as they glittered in the half-light, a little crinkle appearing above her nose. Even in all of this mess of emotions, she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

The tears still glistening in her eyes ripped at his insides, but he needed this to be her choice. He knew he could weaken her resolve, make her give in and probably never leave this room, but he ached for her to come to him of her own free will. Only then would he know for sure she belonged to him.

“I never thought I’d feel anything for anyone, let alone this consuming burn. I hate it, and I’d die for it at the same time. It was inconceivable to me, but, Angel… you… enchant me. Maybe that matters, maybe it doesn’t, but I’m to the breaking point. I can’t take any more of this push and pull bullshit. I know the game. I used to play it, but it’s done. I’m leaving now, and it’s up to you. You will come to me,” he commanded softly. “Tonight, Angel… or, I’m out. I’ll tell Brody to expect you. If you come, we’re together and committed. If you don’t, then I’m done. I can’t live like this.” He took her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist, then her palm. He studied her face, her lower lip trembling as she looked up at their entwined hands, then up into his eyes. “I love you. I would give you anything…
everything
. Let me.”

With a touch of his index finger to her chin, he was gone.

17
Strength in Weakness

Waiting… for the beginning… or the end.

The minutes ticked by, dropping like nuclear bombs. The more time that passed, the more certain Alex became that Angel wouldn’t show. He didn’t know how long he’d waited, sitting alone in the darkness in the luxurious big chair, nursing a bottle of Chivas without a glass. The liquid burned on the way down and Alex welcomed the pain. It helped him concentrate on something other than the tightness that refused to let his lungs expand, but the alcohol had yet to numb his mind.

His eyes blurred. Regretting his choice to give her the decision, he told himself he should have stayed and made love to Angel until she had to admit she loved him. She
had
to love him. He sucked in a painful breath. He couldn’t stand the consequences if she didn’t. He’d be completely lost for the first time in his life.

He laughed bitterly at the irony of the situation. The sound harsh against the background of soft jazz he had playing. Alex—fucking—Avery brought to his knees by a beautiful face, a sultry voice, and a brilliant mind. The responsive body with its lush delights was a bonus. His laughter soon died as the unfamiliar thickness in his throat threatened again. His eyes stung.

“Ughhhh!” he yelled, violently flinging the bottle of expensive scotch at the fireplace. It shattered and splattered against the stones, the alcohol feeding the flames and turning them blue as they crackled and flared up.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, willing the blissful peace of unconsciousness to overtake him. Maybe the scotch and his exhaustion would grant his wish. He’d left the door unlocked in an unspoken plea, even though Angel still had his key.

How his life had changed. How
he
had changed. Just months earlier, there was no way in hell he would’ve given a woman full access to his life. It would have been utterly ridiculous to even consider, yet now, his methodically plotted existence was in shambles, and emotions, he never knew existed, ruled his every move.

He ran a hand through his hair with a big sigh
,
wondering if he’d ruined any chance he had with her. His heart began to burn. Somehow, he’d gathered the strength to walk from Angel’s apartment and slam out the door before he’d given into his need to stay. He probably owed Kyle his gratitude and an apology, but he wasn’t ready for that. Images of the other man touching Angel, possibly making love to her, were more than Alex could contemplate without wanting to fucking kill something… or rip his heart out. Either would be preferable to the pain he was experiencing.

Alex’s skin crawled at the memory of leaving her alone with the other man, who had openly admitted he still cared for her, but Kyle had still be waiting on Angel’s couch when Alex had walked out of her apartment.

What the hell was I thinking?
What if she was in Kyle’s arms right now? What if he was kissing her, possessing her? He is obviously still in love with her and would no doubt jump at the chance to comfort her.
His mind tortured him. He didn’t know what he was trying to accomplish; the only thing he was conscious of was the all-consuming feelings that ate away at him. Jealousy, love, desire, protectiveness, fear, pain… he couldn’t even get his head around it. His heart was ready to explode and the sick feeling inside his body, coupled with the helplessness he felt, was debilitating.

His emotions made his tight control slip, and he’d done and said things he regretted. He’d wanted to prove to Angel, and to himself, that he could take back control of his life… of his own fucking mind. Backstage, he couldn’t stand by and quietly watch her with Kyle’s hands on her body and do nothing. He’d snapped. Of course, he’d known how much it would hurt her when he left the benefit with Whitney, but in that moment, all he could focus on was his own agony. He wanted her to hurt like he was hurting.

“Jesus,” he groaned softly. “What have I done?”

His fine, white cotton shirt was unbuttoned and the sleeves rolled up on his forearms, his fingers digging into the expensive leather arms of the chair until his well-manicured nails left marks.

The door opening startled him from his thoughts and made his head snap up. He’d turned the chair to face the entryway so he’d see her come in. His breathing stopped as the light from the corridor spread across the floor and she stepped inside, her willowy shadow blocking out most of it. His heart thudded so hard he thought it might burst, unsure if she was real or just a figment of his imagination.

Neither spoke as she slowly moved closer, drawn to him like a reluctant moth until she was standing right in front of him. She made no mention of the change in the chair’s position and sank to her knees, weeping silently at her inability to stay away and hating the weakness she couldn’t deny. Maybe she was unwilling to lose him completely, no matter how he’d hurt her, no matter the cost to her pride. He realized he didn’t want to see her broken. He wanted her love. More than he’d ever wanted anything.

She was dressed in black leggings and an over-sized black sweater, and Alex’s gaze lifted to her face only to find her head bowed. Angel would see this as surrender—something she never did willingly and he was well aware of what it cost her. His own heart suffered with it, but he was so damn grateful she was in front of him.