Complete Works of Emile Zola (1785 page)

“My reign will be a martial reign.

“To ensure peace at home is a harder problem to solve. In spite of ridding one’s self of evildoers a spirit of rebellion always exists in the multitude against their chosen master. I have often thought of that latent hatred that nations have for all time experienced towards their sovereigns; but I admit that I could never find a sensible or logical reason for it. We will give this subject for competition at our universities, so that our men of learning may hasten to tell us whence the evil comes and what the remedy is. But, whilst awaiting the aid of science, we will employ the simple means bequeathed to us by our predecessors to allay the unhealthy anxiety of our subjects. They are certainly not infallible. If we employ them, it is because no ropes have yet been invented, which are sufficiently long and strong to bind down a nation. Progress advances so slowly. We will therefore select our ministers with care. We do not require excessive intellectual and moral qualities; it will suffice if they are second-rate in everything. But what we shall exact is that they have powerful lungs, and have been well exercised in shouting ‘Long live the King!’ in the loudest and most exalted manner possible. To utter a fine ‘Long live the King!’ according to rule, raising it artistically, making it die away in a whisper of love and admiration, is a rare merit which cannot be too handsomely rewarded. However, to be candid, we depend but little on our ministers; they hinder rather than assist. If our opinion had sway, we would dispense with these gentlemen and combine the duties of king and ministers in our own person. We set great hopes on certain laws we propose enforcing. They will permit of a man being seized by the collar and cast into the river without further explanation, after the excellent method of the mutes of the seraglio. You can easily foresee how convenient such an expeditious law will be; it is so troublesome to have to abide by form, to have to believe candidly that a crime has been committed, to find a person guilty. We shall, moreover, enlist the services of well subsidised newspapers which will sound our praises, conceal our faults, conferring more virtues upon us than on all the saints in Paradise. We shall have others paid more handsomely, which will attack our policy, discuss our politics, but in such a dull, clumsy manner, that they will bring all sensible and intelligent people over to our side. As to the newspapers we shall not subsidise, they will not be allowed either to blame or praise us; in any case we shall suppress them at the earliest opportunity.

“We must also protect art, for there is no great reign without great artists. In order to create as many as possible, we shall abolish liberty of thought. It would perhaps be as well to bestow a small pension on retired writers, I mean on all those who have succeeded in making their fortunes, and who hold patents for turning out prose or verse. As to the young men, those who merely possess talent, they will have beds reserved to them in our hospitals. If they are not quite dead by the time they are fifty or sixty, they will share the benefits we shall shower upon the world of letters. But the real pillars of our throne, the glories of our reign, will be the stonecutters and masons. We will depopulate the rural districts, summon to our side all men of good will, and make them take the trowel in hand. That will be a touching and sublime sight Broad streets, straight streets passing through a town from one end to the other! fine white walls, fine yellow walls, rising as by magic! Magnificent buildings adorning immense squares, ornamented with shrubs and street lamps. To build is nothing, but what a charm there is in pulling down! We shall demolish more than we shall build. The city will be razed to the ground, levelled, cleansed. We will convert a town of old plaster into one of new plaster. Such miracles will, I know, cost a great deal of money; but as it is not I who will pay, the expense troubles me but little. Anxious, above all, to leave glorious traces of my reign, I consider that nothing is more fit to astonish coming generations than a frightful consumption of bricks and mortar. Besides, I have noticed that the more a king builds, the more satisfied are his people. They do not seem to know what fools defray the cost of these buildings; they innocently believe that their good-natured sovereign is ruining himself in order to give them the pleasure of beholding a forest of scaffoldings. All will be for the best. We will make the taxpayers pay dearly for the improvements and distribute the pence to the workmen, so that they may rest quietly on their ladders. We shall thus provide bread for the people, and ensure the admiration of posterity. Is it not very ingenious? If any dissatisfied person complained, it would certainly be from sheer jealousy.

“My reign shall be a reign of masons.

“You see, my beloved subjects, that I am disposed to be a very diverting king. I will burden you with fine wars in the four quarters of the globe, which will bring you blows and glory: at home, I will cheer you with great heaps of ruins and interminable clouds of plaster dust. I shall not spare you speeches; I will make them as empty as possible, thus sharpening the wits of the inquisitive who will have the courage to search for what is not in them. This is enough for to-day; I am dying of thirst. But, in conclusion, I promise you to deal shortly with the serious difficulty of the budget; it is a subject which requires to be prepared a long while in advance, in order to be suitably intricate and obscure. Perhaps you would also wish to hear me deal with religion. In order not to disappoint you in your expectations, I must inform you, at once, that I never intend to express my views on this subject. Therefore spare me indiscreet questions; never urge me to hold opinions in regard to that matter which is particularly disagreeable to me. Now, my beloved subjects, may God bless you.”

Such was Médéric’s speech. Of course you understand that I am giving you, here, a brief abstract of it, for it lasted six hours, and the limits of this story do not allow of my transcribing it in full. Had not the orator to lengthen his phrases, turn his periods, and so thoroughly drown his thoughts in a deluge of words, that the people listening to him might not grasp their meaning? In any case my abstract is conformable to the spirit of the speech. If the army heard what it chose to hear, it was thanks to the speaker’s oratorical precautions and to the length of his sentences. Is it not always so under such circumstances?

Sidoine vigorously worked his arms and jaws during his brother’s speech. Some of his gestures were much applauded; sometimes they were familiar without being trivial, then again they were noble and poetically attractive. To speak the truth he at times gave himself strange contortions, and made bounds which were not precisely in good taste; but this risky mimicry was attributed to inspiration. What gained the day, was the surprising manner in which he opened his mouth. He lowered his chin, then raised it again by even jerks; he caused his lips to assume all the figures of geometry from the straight line to the circle, not omitting the triangle and square; whilst at the last ring of each sentence he even put out his tongue, a poetical boldness which proved a prodigious success.

When Médéric ceased speaking, Sidoine understood that he must conclude by a master stroke. He took advantage of the favourable moment, then hiding his face with his hand, and without moving, he shouted in a powerful voice:

“Long live Sidoine I., king of the Blues!”

The lord giant knew when to put in a word if required. At the piercing sound of his voice, each battalion believed it had heard the battalion next to it utter the enthusiastic shout. As nothing is more contagious than a stupid blunder, the whole army sang in chorus:

“Long live Sidoine I., king of the Blues.”

There was a startling noise for the space of ten minutes. Meanwhile Sidoine, becoming more and more civilised, was prodigal in bows.

The soldiers spoke of carrying him in triumph; but the prince of orators, having quickly summed up his weight, pointed out to them the difficulty of such a proceeding. He undertook to settle the matter with Sidoine. He rendered him homage as his king, in the name of the people, whilst bestowing on him the titles and privileges of his new position. He afterwards invited him to march at the head of the army and make his entry into his kingdom, which was about ten miles away.

Médéric, meanwhile, was holding his sides, and thinking he would die of laughter. His own speech had greatly amused him. It was quite another matter when Sidoine acclaimed himself “Bravo, pretty majesty!” he said in a whisper. “I am pleased with you; I no longer despair as regards your education. Allow these good people to do as they like. Let us try the calling of kings; we can give it up in a week if it bores us. For my part, I shall not be sorry to sample it before marrying the charming Primrose. Apart from this, continue to avoid blunders, walk regally, rest satisfied with gestures, and leave speech to me. It is needless to inform this good people that we are two, for that might authorize them to consider themselves under a republic. Now, my beauty, let us quickly enter our capital.”

The annals of the Blues thus relate the accession of the great king Sidoine I. to the throne. The incidents recorded here, can be perused in full detail therein, and it may also be remarked that the official historian draws attention in various passages to the fact that these events took place in Egypt, on the stroke of noon, in a temperature of a hundred and nine degrees.

VI

MÉDÉRIC EATS BLACKBERRIES

I will spare you the description of the triumphal entry of our heroes, and of the public rejoicings which took place on that occasion.

Sidoine played the part of a majesty nobly. He graciously received some fifty deputations which came to swear allegiance to him; he even listened without yawning overmuch to the speeches of the heads of the different state bodies. In truth he was in great need of sleep; he would willingly have sent these worthy people off to bed, in order to seek repose himself, if Médéric had not whispered to him that a king, belonging to his people, only slept when the rascallions of his kingdom consented to his doing so.

At length the grand functionaries conducted him to his palace, a kind of huge barn, before which the schoolboys raised their hats. Ants greet thus the stones by the wayside. Sidoine, who had made use of a pyramid for a stool, showed by an expressive gesture how restricted he considered this dwelling. Médéric, in his sweetest tones, said that he had noticed an extensive cornfield at the gates of the town, and suggested that this was a more worthy abode for a great prince. The ears of corn would make him a lovely golden couch, which would be marvellously soft, and he would have as canopy the great celestial curtains which God’s golden nails secure to the walls of Paradise.

As the people were very fond of shows and masquerades, he announced his intention, with a view to attaining popularity, of giving up the former palace to bear-keepers, rope-dancers, and fortune-tellers. Furthermore, a show of puppets, so perfectly constructed as to be mistaken for live actors, would be established there. The multitude received this proposal with gratitude.

When the question of an abode was settled, Sidoine retired, being anxious to get to bed. He soon perceived a detachment of armed men following him respectfully. Like a good king, he took them for enthusiastic soldiers, and did not trouble himself any more about them. However, when he had stretched himself out voluptuously on his pallet of fresh straw, he saw the soldiers post themselves at the four comers of the field, marching backward and forward with drawn swords. This manoeuvre excited his curiosity. He partly raised himself, whilst Médéric, anticipating his wish, called to one of the men who had drawn quite close to the royal couch.

“Hallo! my friend,” he shouted, “can you tell me what makes you and your companions leave your beds at this hour to roam around mine? If you have evil designs on wayfarers, it is unseemly to expose your king to the necessity of bearing witness against you in order that you may be hanged. If you are waiting for your sweethearts, though naturally interested in the increase of my subjects, I do not care to assist at these family details. Now, candidly, what are you doing here?”

“Sire, we are keeping guard over you,” answered the soldier.

“You are keeping guard over me? And against whom, may I ask? The enemy is not at the frontier that I am aware of, and it is not with your swords that you will protect me from gnats. Come, speak up. Against whom are you protecting me?”

“I do not know, Sire. I will summon my captain.”

When the captain came up and heard the king’s question, he exclaimed:

“Good heavens! Sire, how can your majesty ask such a simple question? Is your majesty unacquainted with these minor details? All kings are protected from their subjects. There are here a hundred good fellows whose sole duty consists in spearing the curious. We are your bodyguard, Sire. But for us, your subjects, a people who absorb monarchs, would already have destroyed a fearful number.”

Sidoine laughed till tears filled his eyes. The thought of those poor fellows keeping guard over him had at first seemed a rare joke; but when he learnt that they were protecting him from his subjects, he gave a fresh roar of laughter, which almost choked him. As for Médéric, his cheeks were bursting, letting loose a perfect storm in his beauty’s ear.

“Come, clowns,” he shouted, “take up your baggage and clear off as quick as possible. Do you think I am such a simpleton as to follow the example of your timorous kings who close ten or twelve doors upon themselves, and station a sentinel in front of each? I look after myself, my worthy friends, and I do not like to be gazed at when asleep; for my foster-mother always told me I was not beautiful when snoring. If you must absolutely watch over some one, I beg you to protect the people against the king, instead of protecting the king against the people; you will be making better use of your night watches, and be earning your money more honestly. On summer evenings, if you wish to give me pleasure, send your wives with fans, or, if it rains, vote me an army of umbrellas. But as to your swords, what in the name of patience do you think is their use to me? Now, good night, gentlemen of the bodyguard.”