Complete Works of Emile Zola (1783 page)

“Well!” said Sidoine, running all the faster, “it does not matter to me; I am at home everywhere.”

“Pray stop, simpleton!” again exclaimed Médéric. “It makes me perspire to see you walk thus. I ought to have kept a look-out on the road. No doubt you stepped across the residence of the charming Primrose, without paying any more attention to it than to the hut of a charcoal-burner; palace and cottage are the same to your long legs. Now, we must scurry through the world haphazard. I will watch empires pass, from the height of your shoulder, until the day when we shall discover the Kingdom of the Happy. Meanwhile there is no hurry; we are not expected. I think it advisable to sit down a moment, in order to consider the peculiar country we are crossing at present, in greater comfort Sit down, my beauty, on that mountain at your feet.”

“That, a mountain!” answered Sidoine, sitting down; “it is a paving-stone, or may the devil take me!”

To tell the truth this paving-stone was one of the great pyramids. Our comrades, who had just crossed the African desert, found themselves at that time in Egypt. Sidoine, possessing no exact historical knowledge, looked upon the Nile as a muddy brook; as for the Sphinx and obelisks, they seemed to him heaps of gravel of a peculiar and extremely ugly shape. Médéric, who knew everything, without having learnt anything, was vexed at the little attention his brother gave to this mud and stones, which had been visited and admired for over five hundred leagues around.

“Hallo! Sidoine,” he said, “endeavour to assume, if possible, a look of respectful astonishment and admiration. It is the worst possible taste to keep calm in view of such a scene. I dread lest any one should notice you wagging your head thus, before the ruins of ancient Egypt We should sink in the estimation of cultured people. Bear in mind it is not a question of understanding, no one cares to do that, but to appear deeply impressed at the great interest felt in these stones. You have just sufficient sense to extricate yourself with honour. There, you see the Nile, that yellowish water which stagnates in the mud. I am told it is a very ancient stream; however, I presume it is no older than the Seine or the Loire. The people of antiquity were satisfied in knowing its mouths: we inquisitive persons, taking pleasure in interfering with what does not concern us, have sought to find its sources for some centuries, without succeeding in discovering the smallest reservoir. Men of learning are divided; according to some, a spring exists somewhere, which it is only a question of thoroughly searching for; others, who seem to be in the right, maintain that they have explored everywhere, and that the stream has certainly no source. I have no decided opinion on the subject, as I seldom think of it; besides which, no solution would benefit me in any way. Now look at those hideous animals which surround us; scorched by millions of suns; it is affirmed that it is out of sheer spite that they do not speak; they know the secret of creation, and the everlasting smile they assume, is simply to scoff at our ignorance. For my part I do not consider them so vindictive; they are good blocks of stone, very simple-minded, and know less than people believe. Continue listening, my beauty; never fear learning too much. I will tell you nothing about Memphis, the ruins of which we can see on the horizon, I will tell you nothing about it for the best of reasons, that I did not live in the time of its greatness. I mistrust the historians who have mentioned it. Like others, I might read the hieroglyphics on the obelisks and ruined walls; but as I am scrupulous on all historical points, apart from the fact that it would not entertain me, I should be in constant dread of mistaking an A for a B, and of inculcating errors into you which would have disastrous consequences for you. I prefer adding to these general remarks a slight disquisition on mummies. There is nothing pleasanter to see than a well-preserved mummy. The Egyptians, no doubt, buried each other with all this coquetry, in view of the great pleasure we should experience, some day, in digging them up again. As to the pyramids, according to general opinion, they served as tombs, unless they were intended for another use which has escaped us. For example, judging from that on which we are sitting — for I wish you to notice that our seat is one of the finest pyramids — I should think, but for the slight comfort they afford when put to such use, that they had been erected by a hospitable people to serve as resting-places for weary travellers. I will conclude with a moral. Know, my beauty, that thirty dynasties sleep at our feet; kings repose in thousands in the sand, swathed in bandages, their cheeks are fresh, and they have still their teeth and hair. One could, by careful search, make a charming collection of them, which would be of great interest to courtiers. The misfortune is that their names are forgotten, and they could not be properly labelled. They are more dead than their corpses. If ever you become a king, remember these poor royal mummies sleeping in the desert; they have conquered the worms for five thousand years, and could not live ten centuries in the memory of mankind. I have finished. Nothing develops the mind like travel. I intend perfecting your education, in this manner, by giving you a practical course of lectures on the various objects we shall meet with on the road.”

During this long discourse, Sidoine, in order to gratify his companion, had assumed the silliest expression imaginable. Bear in mind that this was precisely the expression required. But, in truth, he was gaping with weariness, gazing in despair on the Nile, the Sphinx, Memphis, the pyramids, and even doing his utmost to think of the mummies, although without any satisfactory result He sought surreptitiously to see if he could not discover some object on the horizon which would allow him to interrupt the lecturer politely. As the latter ceased speaking, he perceived somewhat tardily, two bands of men appear on the two opposite sides of the plain.

“Brother,” he said, “I am weary of the dead. Tell me who are these people advancing towards us.”

IV

SIDOINE’S FISTS

I omitted to tell you that it was about noon when our travellers, seated on one of the great pyramids, discoursed in this manner. In the plain the waters of the Nile rolled heavily on their way, like the flow of molten metal. The sky was as white as the roof of some enormous oven heated for a gigantic baking; there was not a shadow on the land, which slumbered breathless, overcome by a leaden sleep. In the intense immobility of the desert, the two armies formed in columns, advanced like serpents gliding slowly over the sand.

They grew longer and longer. Soon they ceased to be mere caravans and became two large armies, two nations in countless file spreading from one horizon to the other, casting dark shadows upon the dazzling whiteness of the earth. Those coming from the north wore blue coats, the others approaching from the south were clad in green smocks. All carried long spears with steel points on their shoulders, so that, at each step, a flash of lightning silently enveloped them. They were marching against one another.

“My beauty,” exclaimed Médéric, “let us take up a good position, for, unless I am mistaken, we shall witness a fine sight. These good people are not deficient in intellect. The spot is well chosen to afford an opportunity of effectually cutting the throats of a few hundreds of thousands of men. They will massacre each other at ease, and the vanquished will have a fine race-course when it is a question of decamping with the utmost speed. Tell me of such another plain for fighting to the great enjoyment of onlookers.”

However, the two armies had halted facing one another, and divided by a broad strip of land. They uttered terrible yells, brandished their weapons, shook their fists at each other, but did not advance a step. Each appeared to hold the enemy’s lances in great respect.

“Oh! the cowardly rascals!” repeated Médéric, who grew impatient; “do they intend sleeping here? I could vow they have come over a hundred leagues for the mere pleasure of cuffing each other. And, now, they hesitate to exchange a single blow. I ask you, my beauty, is it right for two or three million men to assign a meeting in Egypt, on the stroke of noon, merely to stand face to face and vilify one another. Will you fight, knaves? But just look at them; they are yawning in the sunshine like lizards; they don’t appear to consider that we are waiting. Hallo, arch cowards! will you fight or not?”

The Blues took two steps forward as if they had heard Médéric’s exhortations. The Greens, perceiving this manœuvre, prudently took two steps back. Sidoine felt scandalised.

“Brother,” said he, “I feel a strong inclination to take part in the fray. The dance will never begin unless I set it going. Don’t you think this a good opportunity to try my fists?”

“Of course,” answered Médéric; “you have had a brilliant idea for once in your life. Turn up your sleeves and do some good work.”

Sidoine turned up his sleeves and rose.

“Which shall I begin with?” asked he, “the Blues or the Greens?”

Médéric considered a moment.

“My beauty,” he answered, “the Greens are certainly the most cowardly. Cuff them well, so as to teach them that fear is no protection against blows. Wait a minute. I do not wish to miss any part of the show; first of all I will settle myself comfortably.”

Saying this, he climbed on to his brother’s ear, lay there flat on his face, careful to show only his head; then he seized a lock of hair which he found at hand, so as not to be thrown during the medley. Having thus made his arrangements he announced himself ready for the fight Sidoine, without a word of warning, immediately fell on the Greens. He beat time with his fists, using them as flails, and administering blows to the army in rapid succession, just as if it were corn on the threshing-floor. At the same time, when some closer ranks stopped his way, he sent his feet right and left into the very midst of the battalions. It was a fine fight I assure you, and deserved to be celebrated in an epic poem of twenty-four cantos. Our hero trod on the spears without paying any more heed to them than if they had been blades of grass. He went hither and thither making large gaps on every side, crushing some against the earth, throwing others twenty or thirty yards high. The poor creatures died without even having the consolation of knowing what rough hand had fallen upon them. For at first, when Sidoine was quietly resting on the pyramid, he could not be clearly distinguished from the blocks of granite. Then, when he rose, he had not given the enemy time to look at him. Observe that it required two full minutes to follow the outline of that huge body before reaching the face.

The Greens had therefore no definite idea as to the cause of the vigorous cuffs which overthrew them by hundreds. The greater number no doubt thought when dying, that the pyramid was falling down upon them, for they could not conceive that a man’s fists could bear such a striking resemblance to hewn stones.

Médéric, amazed at this exploit, quivered with delight; he clapped his hands, bent over at the risk of falling, lost his balance, and quickly clung again to the lock of hair. At last, unable to remain silent under such circumstances, he leapt on to the hero’s shoulder, where he kept his footing by holding to the lobe of the ear. From there he at times gazed across the plain, and at others turned to shout out a few words of encouragement.

“Oh! dear, dear!” he cried; “what blows, by Jove! What a fine sound of hammers on the anvil. Hey, my beauty, strike to your left; polish off that cavalry man who is preparing to escape, for me. Now hurry up; strike to your right, yonder, on that knot of warriors bedecked with gold and embroidery; strike with feet and fists together, for I think we have to do with princes, dukes, and other swaggerers. Well! those are good thumps. The ground is as clear as if the scythe had been over it. Evenly, my beauty, evenly! Work methodically and the task will be more rapidly accomplished That’s good! they fall by hundreds in perfect order. I like regularity in everything. What a marvellous sight; one might compare it to a cornfield on harvest-day when the sheaves are stacked in long symmetrical rows alongside the furrows. Strike, strike, my beauty! Don’t trouble to crush the fugitives one by one; bring them back speedily by the seats of their trousers, and catch at least two or three dozen at a time. Oh, dear me, what clouts, what shoves, what triumphant kicks!”

Médéric burst into raptures, turning on all sides, unable to find sufficiently choice expressions to express his delight. Of a truth Sidoine did not strike any harder or quicker. At the beginning he had assumed an easy gait, continuing his task phlegmatically without increasing his pace. He was only surveying the edge of the army. When he noticed a fugitive, he was satisfied with bringing him back to his post with a fillip, in order that he might take part in the feast when his turn should come. After a quarter of an hour of these tactics, all the Greens found themselves lying nicely on the plain without a survivor to carry the news of the defeat to the remainder of the nation — a rare and distressing incident which has not since been repeated in the annals of the world.

Médéric did not like to see blood flow. When all was over he said to Sidoine:

“As you have annihilated this army, my beauty, it seems to me fair that you should bury it.”

Sidoine having looked around, noticed five or six sand-heaps at hand; he sent them on to the battle-field with vigorous kicks, and smoothed them out with his band so as to make a single hillock of them, which served as a grave for about eleven hundred thousand men. In similar cases a conqueror rarely bestows such care on the vanquished. This showed how good-natured my hero could be, hero though he was, when occasion offered.

During the affray, the Blues, amazed at this reinforcement which came to them from the top of one of the great pyramids, had had time to realise that this was not an avalanche of paving-stones, but a man in flesh and bone. First of all they thought of rendering him some assistance; then, seeing the easy way in which he worked, realising that they would rather be in the way, they discreetly retired to a distance in fear of the splinters. They stood on tip-toe, hustled one another to see better, and welcomed each blow with a round of applause. When the Greens were annihilated and buried, they uttered loud shrieks, congratulated themselves on the victory, moving about in tumultuous confusion, and all speaking at once.