Cockney: A Stepbrother Romance (48 page)

P A S T

I’m still trying to breath; still trying to get my racing heart to calm down enough for it to drop out of my throat and back into my chest where it belongs, even five minutes after he went back inside.
I just kissed Hudson
; I mean,
holy shit.
And not
just
any old “kiss” either; not some chaste princess-movie kiss, but a searing-hot, gravity-defying kiss that still has me grinning like an idiot and trying to feel the floor beneath my feet. Or did
he
kiss
me
? Does it matter? Does anything else in the
world
matter right now after that?

Ten minutes after, I’ve calmed myself a little more, but I’m biting my lip nervously as I start to wonder about what comes
next
. I mean am I
really
going to do this with him? I mean it’s not like I’m a virgin or anything; well, not
technically
at least. That dubious technicality involves a spectacularly brief encounter with my date to senior prom. But this is
Hudson
we’re talking about; Hudson with the dangerously charming smile, Hudson with the practically legendary history of women trailing after him. I’ve been drinking, but I’m hardly
drunk
anymore; maybe from that kiss, but not from wine. But I’m worried now that there was a boldness and a confidence in me that I’m not used to when I pretty much dragged him up here, and now I’m starting to wonder how much longer that boldness is going to last me without his lips on mine.

Fifteen minutes after he went inside, I decide I can’t just stand here out on the terrace tapping my feet, so I find myself walking back into the house. He’s not in Quinn’s room, not where I told him to look for condoms, and he’s not in
mine
, where I’m secretly hoping to find him waiting for me. Walking back downstairs is like slowly re-immersing myself into reality, as the shadowy murmuring sounds of family and mourners sucks me back into the now. I’m scanning the room for him, thinking maybe he got drawn back down for some sort of emergency or to help someone, but I’m still not seeing him. 

His back is to me, and he’s standing with a bunch of other suits in corner of the foyer, and I’m about to go up and tap him on the shoulder when I hear it, and the floor just drops out from under me; “..A girl like that is just another place to get your dick wet.”

It’s
his
voice; the same man who just kissed me with a passion I never knew existed in the world, and who told me he’d be right back is now telling a bunch of his buddies that he fucked me. I’m backing away slowly, realizing that the pain inside my chest is the feeling of my heart just
breaking
.

“Reagan, I’m
so
sorry for your loss.” 

I turn quickly to the woman I’ve never met before who probably worked for my father - someone else who probably knew him better than I did - and nod quickly; “Uh, thanks.”

“He was a
great
man.” She looks at me plaintively, shaking her head and pursing her lips.

“M-hmm.” When I look back, he’s gone, and I can feel the shattered pieces inside of me tumbling to the floor. I turn back to the women talking to me about my father, and it’s then that I see him. It’s right then, surrounded by the mourners and shadows and memories of my father, that I see the Hudson Banks - the man that just broke my heart - shuffling out the front door with the pretty blonde girl hanging off his arm and giggling at something he’s saying. He’s nodding quickly at the valet out front and helping the drunk-looking bimbo into the passenger seat of his car before he turns quickly, his eyes darting over the crowd quickly as if trying to make sure he’d not caught making this escape like this. He doesn’t see me - which is good because if we’d locked eyes in that moment, I’d have broken entirely - before he takes a quick breath, his face looking dark, and slides into the car. And then he’s roaring away, dust kicking up behind the car with the screaming giggle of her voice trailing out the window.

And then he’s gone.

There’s a sting; something piercing deep inside that threatens to take me to my knees right here as I realize what a
complete fool
I’ve been. And in that moment, I’m not even sure I’m mad at
him
; I’m mad at
myself.
I’m mad at being the silly little stupid girl I never wanted to be. I’m mad at letting my convictions and my armor and my sensibilities drop for just a second; only realizing now that it was just enough to get hurt.

The tears start to come then, and another person I don’t know is hugging me and telling me how it’s all going to be ok. And with this stranger’s arms around me, I realize how awful I am that I’m standing there shedding tears over some bullshit crush on some bullshit shadow of a man named Hudson instead of my father, who I
should
be crying over. 

And then I’m tearing away and pushing my through the crowd, back up the stairs, past the Goddamn library and the terrace, and down to my room. I’m under the covers, my face pressed tight to my pillow as I sob; for my father, for me, for the pain of growing up and the bitterness of life.

P R E S E N T

“Hudson!” I’m stomping up the staircase to the second floor,
chasing
him as he storms down the hallway

“Goddamnit, Hudson where-“

“Go back, Reagan.” He’s in the upstairs library, pushing open the double doors to the terrace where that kiss happened all those years before; back to the scene of the crime. I tense myself and tighten my jaw as I stand staring at the double doors across the room where he’s just gone through, feeling the licking tendrils of the shivering cold teasing through the crack where he’s left them not quite closed. I storm across the room, fling them open and step out into the chilly night; determined to corner him here.

“What the fuck was that back there?”

He turns, his face looking tight and tense and his sharp blue eyes blazing liquid fire as they stare at me; “It’s
nothing
, Reagan; just leave it. Oh and say hi to
Chet
for me.”

I stare at him, feeling my own flame begin to churn inside of me; “You’re
jealous
? Of Chet?”

“Of
course
I’m fucking jealous.” He growls it quietly, before he starts to stalk past me back into the house.

“You know it wasn’t
just
that you rejected me and made me feel like a complete idiot.” My mouth spits the words out before my brain can stop me, and he freezes in the doorway.

He whirls around, his eyes blazing that steely blue fire as he looks right into mine. 

“It wasn't just that you humiliated me, Hudson; after you led me on like that.” I take a shaky breath, realizing I’m about to say everything I’ve been wanting to tell him for five years; “I was young-“

“So was I-“

“You
knew
better!” The pained look in his eyes says it all, but I just can’t stop; “And you just
left me
there!” I can feel the tears begin to well up, hot and stinging my eyes as my heart races in my chest.

“I was a
mess
, Reagan,” He says gruffly, a tightness to his voice; “I was broken and I didn’t want you to get dragged into my-“

“You know what Hudson?
Fuck
you- it’s not
that!
” I’m desperately trying to keep it together and not let myself fly off the handle, but it feels like the whole stupid thing is about to give way. I feel my throat tighten, catching my breath in my throat; “It’s not
even
that you wound me up and left me feeling like a stupid little girl-”. My chest burns and my eyes sting as I glare at him, standing there with his smoldering gaze just
burning
into me; “I mean what was the
point
of pretending you even
liked
me like that for all that time Hudson?” I’m crying now and telling him this, and basically doing everything I
don’t
do as I just spill everything; “What was the
point
of making me feel like I was special or like you even
wanted
me?”

“Jesus, Reagan, because I-“

“I saw you!” Tears are rolling down my cheeks, fueled by the memory of him driving away all those years before; “I
fucking saw you
leaving with that girl, OK?” My breath hitches as I try and fight the tears; “And after nothing even happened with us, you went off and gloated to everyone that you fucked the boss’s daughter anyways!”

His face crumbles into a frown; “Reagan, what the fuck are you
talking
abou-”

“ ‘
A girl like that is just another place to get your dick wet
’, right Hudson? That’s what you fucking said,
right
?” Hudson’s face is tight and his eyes are flashing fire at me he takes a step forward and reaches for me, but I rip my arm away and turn away from him; “No, forget this, and
fuck
you, Hudson; fuck this whole thing, just leave me alo-”

He grabs me, his grip tight on my arm, and I gasp as I feel him pull me around and yank me against his chest; “Will you
listen to me!
” He growls.

I can feel my heart leap into my throat as he holds me tight against him, and I fall
right
into those eyes as the smell of him and the feel of his hands on my skin just draw me right in. “Don’t
touch
me!” But I know my fight is gone the second I find myself in his arms, and I’m not stopping him. 

He shoves me back against the ivy-covered wall behind me, his body so close to mine that I can feel his heat; “I gave that girl a ride home because she was wasted, and her boyfriend was being an asshole.”

“Oh,
please
; fucking
save me
the bullshit Hudso-”

“
Logan
.” He growls out; “
Logan
was her boyfriend. They fought, she was drunk, and I was going back to New York anyways;
that’s
why she was in my car.”

His eyes pierce into me, and I’m trying to fight the cooling effect they’re having on my temper because I
need
to be mad; I
need
to scream at him and tell him I hate him because if I don’t I’ll explode. “You- you
told
that group of guys that we-!”

“You didn’t hear the whole thing, did you.” The winter wind whips up over the terrace, and I shiver against him. “Those guys were a bunch of douchebag finance assholes who worked for Archer Holdings, and I bumped into them after I told Logan I’d take his girl home.” His eyes narrow as if he’s remembering the moment, and he sort of looks through me as he talks; “They were all bullshitting around, talking about girls and their conquests or whatever, when one of them said something about a pool they all had about sleeping with one of the Archer girls.” Hudson’s face glowers darkly, and his eyes flash with a fierce emotion; “One little prick said something especially foul about you, and yeah, what I
said
was; ‘
if you think
a girl like that is just another place to get your dick wet,
we’re going to have a problem
’ ”. Hudson’s eyes bore fiercely into mine; “I’m guessing you left before I told him I’d push him off the fucking roof if I ever heard him talk about you or your sisters like that again.”

I stare at him, feeling the heat of his palms on my skin in stark contrast to the chill in the air around us. I want to believe him -  desperately want to believe him, by I’m still hanging onto that hate; that feeling of betrayal. I roll my eyes and sneer at him; “Oh,
right
, and you expect me to believe-”

“
Goddamnit
, Reagan,” He snarls at me, his face strained and tight, and suddenly I know I’m watching that armor drop away and I’m seeing the
real
Hudson; “Do you have any fucking idea how hard it was to walk away from you?” He says softly; “How could you think I’d-”

“Because thats
you
! That’s
just
fucking
like you
, Hudson!”

“Not since you!” He barks.

“What the
hell
is that suppose to me-”

“Jesus, Reagan for once will you just shut the fuck up.” And then he’s kissing me, his lips crashing into mine hard as he presses me up against the stone behind me, and I feel my whole body fall into him

But I yank myself back from him somehow, and before I can think it through, I’m smacking him across the face; “I’m not going to be just another notch you know!”And this time,
I’m
kissing
him
, smothering that look of wild bewilderment and primal fury on his face as I kiss him with everything I have. I feel his strong arms tighten around my waist, pulling me hard against him, and I moan into his mouth as I feel the throbbing between his legs pressing hotly against me.

“You could never be ‘just another’ anything, Reagan Archer,” He growls into my kiss; “You couldn't be even if you tried.” And when he kisses me again, the whole world disappears around us. 

I grind into him, whimpering into his mouth as I feel his body hard against mine and feel his hands slide down to cup my ass. I’m shoving aside the voice inside my head that’s screaming at what a
terrible
idea all of this is, trying to smother it as Hudson smothers my mouth with his lips. I shouldn’t be kissing him like this, or moaning into his mouth as his hands grab my ass, or arching my back and rocking my pelvis against the thick hardness of his cock pressing at the front of his pants. No, I
definitely
shouldn’t be doing any of those things; not here, not now, and
definitely
not with Hudson Banks.