Claire's Prayer (11 page)

Stripping off her clothes, she crawled into bed and tried to quiet the half of her that wished she were still in Seth’s embrace. The wind carried the sounds of the music to her. Eventually she fell asleep, her cheeks wet with confused tears.

Insistent knocking on the door dragged Claire out of her deep sleep. Groggily turning her alarm clock’s face so that she could see the time, she groaned; it was half-past seven. The knocking had to be Joseph with her breakfast. Pulling on her dressing gown, Claire opened the door.

Joseph greeted her cheerfully. “Morning, Miss Claire! I brought your breakfast early – hope that’s okay. Lots of people to feed today.”

Thanking him, Claire took the tray back to bed. After a few tentative nibbles to judge the delicacy of her stomach that morning, she thoroughly enjoyed the bacon, eggs and toast. Making her own tea, she was glad that she had organised with Joseph to have all her meals at the lodge today. Many people had slept over, and would only be leaving during the course of the day. After a leisurely shower, Claire felt revived and happy – as long as she blocked any thoughts of Seth from her mind. Soon, though, once she was up and dressed, she couldn’t stop her thoughts drifting back to their dance. The feel of his heartbeat, his strong arms around her… When she’d seen Seth’s jealousy, a spark of revenge had lit in her heart. She had momentarily forgotten her pledge to steer clear of him and, on some level, had wanted to reassure both of them that she had feelings only for him. Then she’d seen the naked hunger in his eyes and known it’d been a very bad idea.

Settling down to work in front of an open window, she laid out the storyboard for her next book. Puzzling and plotting, with frequent stops for fresh tea, she passed the morning hours. Claire decided to base her next set of books on an adventurous monkey called Shoko, who wandered off against his mama’s advice and got lost, finding himself too late in a dangerous situation… Sensing someone watching her, Claire jerked her head up. Seth stood silently in the doorway, bearing her lunch tray.

Grinning cheekily at her, he announced, “Lunch is served, Miss Claire.”

Helplessly smiling back at him, she took the tray. Her heart seemed to have simultaneously dropped to the floor and flown into her mouth when she looked up at him.

Serious now, Seth looked her directly in the eye and complimented, “Claire, that painting you did for Naomi is incredible. You’ve captured the essence of Impunzi.”

Claire heard the sincerity in his voice and answered, falteringly. “I’m glad you… you
both
like it. I enjoyed painting it.”

As she finished her sentence, the lunch gong sounded. Hesitating for elastic seconds, as if he wanted to say more, Seth finally sighed, “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay?” With that, he was gone.

Claire rearranged the food on her plate, her appetite gone. The afternoon crept slowly by: she could not settle down to write. After spending too long on what became a seriously overworked sketch of the Shoko’s baboon nemesis – tall and powerful with smouldering, dark eyes – she ended up sitting against a tree trunk, facing the sun. Finally allowing her thoughts to run free, she re-lived the previous evening. It did no good. Seth had obviously not given their dance a second thought. Feeling confused and angry, Claire pushed herself up and stomped back to her lodge. Silently and again, she berated herself. Seth didn’t have anything long term in mind; he wanted her only physically. That was just not enough – and never would be enough – for her.

Forcing herself to eat most of the dinner Joseph had left by her door when she finally returned to her lodge, she then showered and, pulling on a warm tracksuit, determinedly opened her novel; soon she was engrossed again in the plot. But hours later, a loud, insistent knock on the door caused her to drop the book. Frightened at the knock’s urgency, she leapt off the bed.

“Claire? It’s just me.”

Immediate relief flooded through her body as she heard Seth’s calming tone. She opened the door as he continued reassuringly.

“Sorry if I frightened you – I’m just clumsy today. Your aunt phoned and will be calling back in half an hour. She says she’s not heard from you… I assured her you were fine, but she
insists
on speaking to you in person.”

A feeling of special warmth for her aunt melted away the last of Claire’s fear. She had been so engrossed in the novel that she had not heard Seth coming along the path – she’d been silly to feel so startled. Grabbing a jacket, she followed Seth to the house. The wind had risen, and the stars hung low in the inky sky. Without warning, a loud cackling sound rent the quiet night, and Claire jumped. Slipping his arm securely around her shoulders, Seth held her close to his side.

A shiver of guilt-ridden delight rippled through Claire as Seth lowered his head and whispered, in his deep voice, “It’s okay. Animal noises sound much closer at night.”

Accepting his reassurances, Claire quickly pulled away from the safe haven of his strong arms, and tried to talk lightly of her aunt’s tendency to worry.

Seth wondered at the deep sense of loneliness and unrest he had been feeling lately, a feeling that had peaked poignantly as Claire slipped out of his reach. He was doing everything he could to find innocent reasons to touch her. He had now given up trying to analyze her effect on him.

When they arrived at the house, Claire waited in the office for the expected call, while Seth went to make coffee. Soon, the shrill ringing of the telephone echoed in the silence.

Lifting the receiver, Claire greeted her aunt. Seth returned with a laden tray and, setting it down on the desk, he poured for both of them. This done, he sat himself down at his desk. Lifting his legs, he propped his feet up on top of the desk and placidly listened to Claire’s side of the converstation.

Claire wondered why Seth didn’t go out of the office. For some reason his presence didn’t seem exactly intrusive, but… How did he expect her to
concentrate
when he was so close, so watchful? Trying desperately to keep her voice normal, Claire assured her aunt that she was fine, and loving her stay in Zimbabwe. Meeting Seth’s steady gaze, she grinned as she assured her aunt that the Hendersons were being very good to her. Raising an interrogating eyebrow, Seth winked at her.

From then on, Claire found it difficult to concentrate on what Aunt Ellen was saying. She fidgeted with the phone cord, unable to bear the intensity of Seth’s eyes on her. Breaking contact with his smouldering gaze, Claire twisted around and perched on the edge of the desk, her back to him. Even then, she knew her answers were disjointed. She could still feel Seth’s attention boring into her. With a faltering voice, she told her aunt that the connection had become very bad, and that she would call her in a fortnight. Replacing the receiver, Claire swung around, affronted words ready on her tongue.

Still watching her with heavy-lidded, brooding eyes, Seth saw the emotions chasing across her expressive, flushed face. He saw anger, fear, confusion… and, unmistakably, arousal.

Claire felt her maelstrom of emotion fill the room with tension. Dashing for the door, she choked out, “I … don’t feel much like coffee now. I’m going back.”

Claire fumbled with the doorknob, turning it the wrong way in her haste. Seth had started up guiltily, and had crossed to her side in a moment. Vaguely, Claire wondered how a man of his size could move so quickly and quietly. Seth’s hand settled over Claire’s and turned the handle for her, opening the door to release her from her own panic. Refusing to turn and face him, Claire wished desperately that he would just let her go. She shivered as she felt his strong fingers draw away from hers, realising now that that was the last thing she had wanted. Lifting luminous eyes heavily to his, Claire saw the hunger she’d expected in his deep brown gaze, but also something complex and unspoken. Drawing a ragged breath, Claire whispered his name in a shaky, uncertain voice. “Seth…”

In their proximity, Claire could hear the strong, steady thud of his heart, and felt each rapid breath he drew. Slowly and dazedly, as if sleepwalking, she took a step forwards and slid her hands up Seth’s chest. The magic of his nearness swept her senses out of control. Claire raised herself onto her toes, opened her mouth in soft surrender and pulled Seth towards her. The kiss seemed to go on forever. Totally lost in the sensations he aroused, Claire leaned heavily into Seth, her fingers convulsively gripping his hair. The feelings he evoked were new and terrifying in their intensity. And suddenly too much for her to handle.

Claire forced her mouth from Seth’s; her hands tenderly but firmly guided his lips away.

They stared silently at each other. Claire felt dazed, and shocked at the storm of emotions she had just survived. Seth’s eyes delved into hers, as if he were transfixed. He tried to hide the shock of her effect on him. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her again, to mould her body to his. Giving a low groan he lowered his head but, with closed eyes, only rested his forehead against hers. He held her gently, loosely, as the storm of reaction in his body quieted to a dull ache.

After interminable minutes, Claire raised her head and, in a low, husky voice, spoke firmly. “I think I’d better go back to the lodge.”

Quietly, sincerely, Seth replied, “Claire, I want you to know that I didn’t plan on this happening. It just did. I’m sorry if…”

Claire placed her fingers gently against his warm, firm lips, cutting off the flow of disjointed words. Tears were already stinging her eyes. “Nothing happened,” she choked.

Mutely, Claire turned and opened the door, preceding him out of the office. They walked in silence back to the lodge, close but not touching each other. Opening the door for her, Seth leant down and gently brushed his lips against her forehead. The tenderness reflected in his golden eyes, and the butterfly softness of the kiss, melted Claire inside.

Watching him walk away, she wished her mother were still alive, or that Kacey were there to talk to, to advise her. Confused, panicking tears now coursing down her cheeks, Claire tiredly changed and got into bed. Never before had she understood that physical attraction between two people could be so powerful and electric. So completely unstoppable. Her awareness of Seth was a frightening, living thing, but deep inside she knew she wasn’t so weak as to give in only to that. What she felt was more than just physical attraction. As a person he had gained her respect; she honestly liked and admired him, for who he was and what he had achieved. As a man he was the epitome of all she could wish for… or desire. Deep down in her heart, she acknowledged to herself that she felt connected to Seth, that he had become as necessary to her as the air she breathed. Strange that she had to come all the way from Ireland to find a man who moved her, who made her feel she had come home.

Sobbing softly in the darkness with the sheer weight of her feelings, Claire felt sickened at the possibility that, instead of sharing her hopes – hopes that, if realised, could erase all her doubt and guilt at once – there was so little chance that Seth could feel the same. He desired her, that was plain enough: the hunger in his eyes could not be mistaken. Her body caught alight when he touched her; she hated how much she lost control when he was close by. But surely there was more to it than animal lust? Claire’s tears started afresh. She knew what she felt, but also knew Seth didn’t have the same motives as she did for distancing himself. On some level, he had to know that it would have to be all or nothing for her – but Seth relied only on himself. He was so angry at God, and the world in general: he blamed God for all of the pain and loss in his life. If only, Claire wept, Seth would accept that God could
heal
his heart and
erase
the pain… but he didn’t believe that. He had no faith. Claire knew that she could never spend her life with someone who was so far removed from the most important part of it. She had to absorb the fact that Seth was simply not the man she needed him to be.

Knowing this, Claire prayed for the strength to resist should the time come when she felt she was losing her control again. Her beliefs were strong: the very foundation of her life. She could not compromise them, not even for Seth. The only way to avoid the temptation was to keep well away from him – but could she? Claire silently implored that she would have the strength to conquer her reaction to Seth. After long hours, exhausted, she slept.

Chapter Nine

Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth.

(Psalm 50:2)

Rays of sunlight filtered through the curtains; fingers of warmth bathed her face. Opening her eyes, Claire resignedly welcomed the new day. Peace and determination filled her heart and quieted her mind. Her best course of action would be to avoid being alone with Seth: she knew she couldn’t avoid him totally, but vowed to prevent herself from being alone with him again – or in close proximity to him at all. Claire had weighed up her options, seeking her memories desperately for context; she’d even thought of Joseph in the Bible, and the temptations of Potiphar’s wife. Yes, fleeing sounded good right now… but it wasn’t possible. So avoid him she would. Squaring her narrow shoulders she left the lodge early, and readily accepted the present-day Joseph’s offer of tea as she waited for Seth, Naomi and Tony to appear.

Naomi was in an excellent mood, and kept the whole table entertained throughout breakfast with amusing bits of information she had managed to glean during the braai. As Naomi narrated and Claire had come to appreciate, the ranchers were a solid bunch of people, who helped and supported each other in a crisis. But not Claire’s current variety of crisis. Throughout the meal she noticed Seth watching her, a puzzled look on his face. Forcing herself to ignore him, she paid avid attention to Naomi’s stories. She couldn’t bring herself to think any further ahead than breakfast. She was trusting blindly that, somehow, she would be helped to fulfill her resolution.

Stopping mid-anecdote, Naomi addressed Seth.

“Hey, big brother. I’ve been thinking: Claire’s been with us for a while now, and things are quite slow around here. What do you think about us girls going off for a few days? I’d love to show her the Falls.”

Claire could hardly believe her ears. “Naomi, that’s… that would be
fantastic
. Thank you – thanks so much!”

Naomi looked gratified at the enthusiastic response.

Seth regarded the two women opposite him. He wasn’t quite sure what had just happened. For reasons he did not fully understand, the idea did not appeal to him at all. He just knew he wanted Claire here, at Impunzi.

Finding no reasonable objection to hand, though, he grudgingly answered, “I suppose that could be arranged. Can I trust the two of you alone, though?”

Laughingly responding that she and Claire were both ‘big girls’ now, Naomi missed the seriousness in his question. She flashed an excited look at Claire, and chivvied, “Hurry up, then, Claire! If we leave within the hour, we’ll be there by lunchtime.”

Springing to her feet, Claire accepted the gift of a reprieve without question.

“Hang on,” Seth ordered, despising the panic he heard in his voice. “What’s your rush? Why do you have to go today? The Falls aren’t going anywhere, you know.”

Linking her arm through Claire’s in solidarity, Naomi answered, “I know that, brother dear. Today’s as good a day as any.” Turning to leave the room she called back, cheekily, “Don’t worry – I’ll look after Claire.”

Hurrying from the room, neither of the women heard Seth muttering angrily under his breath. Storming out of the house only moments after them, he climbed into the Land Rover and sped out of the yard, raising a cloud of dust.

Arranging to collect Claire in exactly half an hour, Naomi made a hurried phone call and then dashed upstairs to throw some clothes into a bag. She had things on her mind, and really needed time away from the ranch to think them through. She couldn’t think clearly at Impunzi: Tony was too close. There was also definitely something uncomfortable going on between Seth and Claire. A few days apart might be just what they all needed.

Scanning her lodge while hurling books into her overnight bag, Claire gave up all plans of writing while at the Falls, deciding that next week she would really settle down and do some serious work. Excitement at having her wish answered so speedily, and at going to see the famous Victoria Falls, quickened her heartbeat. She’d read pamphlets about the Falls, and Don and Helen had told her aunt that it was a magnificent sight to see. The nagging sadness that lodged in her chest at the thought of not seeing Seth for a few days only strengthened her resolve: she was unspeakably grateful for the chance to get away from the tension that invariably enveloped them. Maybe, she hoped, this time away was all she’d need to get her emotions under control.

Through the window, Claire saw Naomi driving up in the BMW. Naomi eagerly pressed the hooter a few times, coming to a screeching halt inches from a tree.

“Come on, Claire!” she shouted, “Let’s get going!”

Stuffing an extra sweater into her bag as the locked the lodge, Claire made a show of yanking the car door open, throwing her case onto the back seat and diving inside. Within seconds, she jerked the seatbelt on and clicked it into place. Giggling mightily, the girls drove off. Within minutes the two were talking freely and openly. Eventually, Claire found herself telling Naomi about her life in Ireland and some of the country’s history.

“Ireland is a beautiful country, Naomi – but, like Zimbabwe, it’s had its own turbulent birth to becoming a nation. There’ve been decades of conflict in the North of Ireland between the Protestant and Catholic communities, and it’s made life everything from difficult to horrific for the people who live there… too many innocent lives have been lost. We can only pray that one day there’ll be a resolution to the violence and Ireland will be a country fully at peace.”

Naomi looked over at Claire, touched by the similarities between their relationships with their homelands, thousands of miles apart.

Claire caught her eye, understanding, but spoke on. “For the landscape, though, our countries couldn’t be more different! Zimbabwe is raw, open, scorched and wild… some parts are still completely untouched by human development, and you can really feel that, I think. But Ireland’s an island, and pretty much soaked all the time! You have your ochres and your sunsets, but Ireland’s famous for its fifty shades of green – which is not a myth! All that rain has its benefits, I guess.” She smiled over at her friend.

Naomi was genuinely interested, and asked about Dublin, Claire’s home city.

Picturing the city in her mind, Claire tried to describe it to Naomi. “Dublin is a beautiful, constantly surprising old city, with so much character. I’ve always thought no other city in the world could take you back in time to so many different eras. I love Ireland,” Claire sighed, “only now in a different way. In so many ways, I… it won’t feel like home again,” she faltered.

In a sad, quiet voice Claire told Naomi the circumstances of her parents’ death, and admitted how much she missed them both. Naomi, in turn, told Claire about Zimbabwe, and what it had been like being a senior school girl during the war years. She described Impunzi in a way that Claire could not picture it: sandbags piled on top of each other, higher than window level; taking rifles with you everywhere you went; travelling in convoys between towns. Sadness clouded her eyes as she spoke lovingly of her parents and their deaths.

“Seth was at uni in Cape Town, in South Africa. I was at school. I can remember the exact words the headteacher used: ‘the ranch was attacked in the early hours of the morning, and Mom and Dad had been ambushed and killed.’

“Seth flew home in a heartbeat, of course – he was really there for me. Luckily the house wasn’t burnt down – be thankful for small mercies – but the inside was pretty badly damaged, apparently. Seth was so emotionally closed down he just locked all the pain inside. After all the death and loss he’s experienced it’s no wonder really.”

Claire sat quietly, realising the pain and horror Naomi and Seth had survived – and not missing Naomi’s allusion. There must, she realised, be so much she didn’t know about them both…

Naomi continued softly. “After a few weeks, Seth returned to Cape Town cause he had to write his final exams. Then he came back before I did, and when the war was over we re-furnished and redecorated the house. The ranch was a kind of farm, but Seth’s dream was to change Impunzi into a game viewing and fishing resort – but he probably talked about that part!” Naomi smiled wryly at Claire, knowing from long experience what her brother would and would not discuss. “That took a couple of years, and now Impunzi’s running at a profit again. I know Dad and Mom would be proud if they could see what we’ve achieved.”

Claire answered feelingly, “I’m
sure
they would be, Naomi. Impunzi is a paradise.”

Shrugging off her praise, Naomi continued, “What really surprised me was that Dad left Impunzi to Seth and me jointly – I always thought it’d just be him. At the time I thought it was pretty unfair to Seth… but now, I think Dad knew that if something happened to him and Mom, we’d need each other.”

“You’re really lucky to have each other,” Claire said. Then after a pause, she revealed, “I often wished for a brother or sister. After having me, Mam had four miscarriages, and then the doctors said ‘no more’. In some ways it’s great being an only child… I got spoiled, I know that! But I want at least three children one day…” Claire grinned, as though guilty for looking ahead. “Brothers and sisters look out for each other, and that’s a wonderful thing.”

Naomi raised her eyebrows and smiled back. “Sometimes they’re great, but at other times they can be a real pain, believe me! Just lately Seth has been… I don’t know. Just
different
.” Laughing, she added jokingly, “Maybe it’s old age setting in, he’s so grumpy.”

Joining in her laughter, Claire protested, “If he’s old, Lord save us! He looks…”

Naomi glanced sideways at Claire, as though she could read the way Claire’s thoughts now tended. Claire caught her eye and stopped, blushing despite herself.

“It’s all right, Claire,” she said, laughing as her friend was still reddening. “I know… ‘he’s a fantastic-looking man’! So I’ve been told,” she continued archly, “by more than one of my female friends.”

Momentarily subdued, Claire glanced out of the window to see that they were now driving through the small town of Victoria Falls. “We’re nearly there?” she asked Naomi, turning.

Naomi nodded. “I’ve booked us in at the Victoria Falls Hotel – it’s one of the older hotels, but has charm, and is only about ten minutes’ walk from the actual Falls. The gardens are lovely, too, and in the evening we can watch the Shangaan and Makishi dancers. They dance to their traditional music, in full costume – you keen?”

Claire was.

They parked in front of the hotel and a smiling porter ran to assist them. As they handed over the keys to the valet, Claire felt her excitement mount: she could hear clearly the roar of the mighty waterfall in the distance. The setting of the hotel impressed her; it was sprawling, evoking long-gone standards of luxury, and the gardens were an exotic green eden. Uniform-clad waiters hurried here and there. Claire breathed out, contentedly. The whole feel of the place was relaxed.

Ordering tea to be brought up to their twin room, the two unpacked their cases. Claire could hardly contain her tourist instinct, now that they were finally there. Practically hanging out of the window, she stared in rapt amazement at the billowing, foaming clouds of spray. Then she gasped in pleasure as she saw a huge rainbow, emerging clearly through the mist.

Naomi grabbed the waist of her trousers, pulling her back into the room. “Claire, be patient! If you’re not careful you’ll fall out of the window, and then I’ll have some explaining to do. After lunch we’ll take a walk to the Falls, I promise – okay?”

Claire nodded. “It looks so awesome… I wish I’d brought my paints with me! Do you think I’ll be able to buy some painting supplies here?” Not receiving a response, it was Claire’s turn to pull Naomi back by her belt, as the latter peered critically into the room’s enormous mirror. “Hurry up, Naomi, let’s eat!”

Laughing at her impatience, Naomi closed the door behind them before answering. “Yes, I’m sure we’ll find some paints somewhere in town. We have three days Claire – calm down.”

Forcing herself to relax, Claire thoroughly enjoyed the buffet lunch the hotel had to offer on the spacious veranda, with the crashing of the Falls’ waters ever in the background. But Naomi had become quiet and withdrawn during the meal, staring off into the misty distance even more often than Claire. Claire hoped it wasn’t because of anything she’d said, but wanted to give her friend space. Engaging the friendly waiter, she learned that the hotel had been built in 1915. Giving more information than Claire had bargained on, he also pointed out the Victoria Falls bridge to her. The bridge spanned the second gorge of the falls and, she learned, had been completed in 1905; the centre of the bridge marked the boundary between Zimbabwe and Zambia. The Falls, he told her, were actually made up of five separate waterfalls: Devil’s Cataract, the Main Falls, Horseshoe Falls, Rainbow Falls and the Eastern Cataract. Enjoying the waiter’s informative chatter, Claire was also grateful to him for covering Naomi’s pensive mood. Smiling broadly, and pocketing their generous tip, he advised the ladies to hire rain coats before walking through the rainforest.

At this, Claire’s imagination was excited again. She practically dragged Naomi along the rainforest path. Struggling into her newly-hired yellow raincoat, Claire followed Naomi through the dense greenery and towards the rushing, roaring waters. Hesitantly touching her friend’s arm, she asked softly, “Naomi, what’s wrong? Have I done something to upset you?”

Turning to her almost guiltily, Naomi quickly assured her. “Oh no, Claire – no. You’ve done nothing wrong; I’m so sorry for being so quiet! I just have so much on my mind.”

Linking her arm through Naomi’s, relieved that she had not caused the issue, Claire told her softly, “It’s sometimes best to share a problem, if I can help.”

Sighing deeply, Naomi answered, “It’s Tony. He’s asked me to marry him.”

Claire was astonished that the news wasn’t calling for celebration. Coming to an abrupt stop, she questioned, “But… Isn’t that what you want, Naomi? At your braai seemed so obvious you were made for each other. Don’t you love him, is that it?”