Choking Game (9 page)

FOURTEEN

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
being a loon makes me feel alive

~I think Angelica's getting to you.~

"What do you mean?"

~She's making you think and talk a lot more than I ever could. I like this girl a lot.~

"You think you know what my tweet is about?"

~Absolutely. Here, I'll show you what it means.~

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
being a loon makes me feel alive #life #purpose #realfeelings #friendship #nonconformity #beyourself #brave

"You know your hashtags are pretty weird, right?"

~Who cares! The only thing that matters is that you and I understand them.~

"MJ!" Angelica said.

"Yes?"

"Have you always been a loner or did you just get up one day and decide you wanted to be left alone?" Angelica asked.

"What?"

~That's a pretty straightforward question. Answer her.~

"I don't remember. I… I guess it kind of happened gradually."

~You don't even remember when and why you got this way?~

"Do you have ANY friends?" Angelica said.

"Um… um, no."

~That's pathetic.~

"Who was Stanley?" Angelica said.

"What? Who told you?!"

~Calm down! She's just asking!~

"How did you find out about Stanley?" Luke asked.

"I didn't find out about him. Someone mentioned him at school and then I checked the Internet," Angelica said.

"He was my friend. The best friend I ever had."

~Amen to that.~

"So you did have a friend," Angelica said.

"I did, too. Stanley was the nicest guy I'd ever known," Luke said.

"I know what happened to him," Angelica said. "It must have been awful for you two. I'm really sorry."

"I have a hard time talking about him," Luke said.

"Me too."

~You should talk. I think it's helpful, don't you?~

"It was an accident. It doesn't seem he was unhappy. So that's a good thing," Angelica said.

"A good thing? Why would him dying be a good thing!?"

~Why are you going off like a time bomb on her?~

"I didn't say it was a good thing he died," Angelica said. "I said it was a good thing he did not want to die."

"But he died! And now he's dead! That's a horrible thing! The worst that could have happened!"

~I thought you and I got over him, but now I see you're still far from it. We have a lot of work to do, MJ.~

"MJ's right," Luke said. "Stanley was the best friend anyone could have, and he did not deserve to die. He did one stupid stunt and ended up dead. That's not fair!"

"And what is? What is
fairness
anyway? Would it be fair for someone else to die instead? Someone who's not so nice maybe? Someone who may even WANT to die? What about you, Luke? Do YOU want to die? How about you, MJ? I’ve got news for you two. Life is what it is. It has nothing to do with fairness," Angelica said.

"And who are you? Some kind of a wizard?"

~Don't talk to her like that! That's not nice!~

"Don't lecture us about life and fairness! You didn't even know Stanley! You have no right to analyze his death!" Luke yelled.

"I'm not analyzing Stanley and what happened to him. I'm only trying to understand you two," Angelica said.

"Well, you don't and you won't!"

~Where are you going? I like it here! I want to stay! No!~

~What the hell was that all about? You stormed out of there like a fireball.~

"Didn't you hear her? She never met Stanley, but she talked about him like he deserved to die or something."

~She never said that! You're jumping to conclusions. She asked about him and then she said the good thing was he was a happy guy, not someone who was desperate enough to kill himself. I don't know what's so wrong about that. She's right. Whether you like it or not, Angelica is right. Imagine how you would feel if you found out Stanley was so miserable he killed himself, and you never saw it coming. I guarantee you'd feel a heck of a lot worse about his death than how you feel about it right now. Angelica is right, MJ. She is.~

"So now I feel like a total ass for storming out of her place. That's great. Now what?"

~Now you go back and apologize.~

"Apologize?"

~You've never done that, have you? At least I don't remember you ever apologizing for anything. Maybe it's time you learned how it's done. You never know, it could come in handy one day.~

"I may have to discover that font for sarcasm myself pretty soon."

~You don't have to do that on my behalf.~

"Yeah, right."

"Feeling better?" Angelica said.

"No, I'm not."

~I know that. She knows that, too.~

"Look, for what it's worth, it must have been a wonderful thing to know someone like Stanley. No one will ever take that away from you. The memories you have with him," Angelica said.

"But it hurts so bad, I still can't even mention his name."

~Go ahead. Angelica will not judge your tears. Luke's tearing up, too. You two need to let it all out. Don't keep your pain inside; it's eating you up. Share it with Angelica. She's strong.~

"Which would you rather have, a life in which you never met Stanley so you wouldn't be hurting right now, or a life in which you found real friendship but lost it and was left with this aching pain?" Angelica asked.

"Good question."

~Yeah, very good question.~

"I don't know. What about you, Luke?"

~I'm curious what he's got to say.~

"I suppose I'd still take Stanley. I was so happy around him, I didn't know I could be that happy before. I didn't even mind going to school. It was like there was somebody there who understood me. Stanley made me feel like I was not alone. It was great," Luke said.

"You really do not have any other close friends?" Angelica asked.

"No. My dad moves a lot for his job. Every couple of years or so we move to another state. Even when I made new friends, I lost every one of them eventually. It got so bad, I decided not to get close to anybody so that I wouldn't get hurt next time we'd move," Luke said.

"I always thought moving to new cities had to be cool."

~I think I agree with Luke. It can't be all that cool.~

"Not when you never know where your damn home is," Luke said.

"Where's the rest of your family?" Angelica asked.

"All over the place," Luke said.

"I've lived in this city my whole life. We only moved once, from a small house to a big one, to a so-called good neighborhood, just so we can live like everyone else here."

~Maybe it's not so bad to be rooted somewhere. Everyone needs a place they can think of as home.~

"I didn't ask to live like everyone else. I want my own life, my own stories."

~I'm not sure I follow. You're not being very clear.~

"I didn't move as much as you did," Angelica said, "but I didn't like it either. That's why I collected the seashells. I learned to keep my home in my heart."

"The most important thing about Stanley for me was that I could trust him. I could be myself and not pretend I was someone else just to make him like me."

~I always thought that's what it was. I wish you’d told me, though. Getting information from you is like pulling teeth.~

"I didn't mean to make you upset, MJ. I hope you understand that. You do not have to pretend with me either. The way you stormed out of here showed me how much you cared and how much you still hurt. Like I said, life isn't about fairness. Fairness is another one of those vague words. We're bombarded with it all the time, but what does it really mean? What is fair? It cuts both ways. Something that's fair for someone will not be fair to someone else. Fairness is subjective. If life were fair, everything would be even, equal, neutralized, same. If everything in life is evened out and neutralized, what's left to live for? Can you imagine such a life? Day in and day out the same, monotonous living with no drive to do something, no desire, wish, no dream, just a blank stare into the scripted life someone else decided for us." Angelica shook her head.

"But isn't that kind of what we're doing?" Luke said. "I mean where is the freedom? You're either the good kid who does everything he's told to do, or you're the bad kid who stops listening. Where's the middle ground? How can you be yourself and still be everything everyone wants from you?"

"You can't and you shouldn't," Angelica said. "You are the most important person in your life. Remember that every time someone tells you you should be like someone else. You are who you are, and someone else is someone else. It doesn't mean you have to stop going to school or taking tests, or doing whatever you're doing. There are other ways to find your identity. I found it in my paintings. The only thing that matters is to find yourself in what it is you love and to own it."

"I loved music. I recorded my own songs."

~You can still do that, you know.~

"Why do you use the past tense?" Angelica said.

"My parents didn't really believe I had the talent."

~They never said that! You made that up!~

"Who cares what they believed! You said you loved it. Why would you ever stop playing? If you stop the one thing you truly love, the only one hurt will be you. Why would you want to hurt yourself like that?" Angelica said.

"I don't know. I never thought of it that way."

~To spite your mom and dad, that's why.~

"I'd like to hear your music," Angelica said. "Will you play some for us?"

"I don't have my guitar here."

~You can go get it. It'd take you ten, fifteen minutes tops.~

"Bring it with you next time. I'm serious, I'd love to hear your music," Angelica said.

"Me too. I've never heard you play," Luke said.

"What about your paintings? You said you love to paint."

~Yeah, I'd like to see her paintings, too.~

"Come with me," Angelica said.

"Where are we going?" Luke asked.

"The basement," Angelica said. "I have a little studio there."

"Wow! That is awesome!"

~Wow! That is amazing!~

"This whole room is covered with paintings! There's not a single space left on the walls!" Luke said.

"I have a bunch of canvas paintings in the closet here. I need more space. This room's too small," Angelica laughed.

"What is this supposed to be?"

~I think I know. Step back a little. You'll see.~

"What do you think?" Angelica said.

"Is it a face?"

~It is a face, but step back even further. Look around the face.~

"Wait! Is it... Oh, my God. When did you paint this?!"

~Calm down, MJ. I'm sure she painted this a while ago. It's probably not what you think.~

"It's not what you think, MJ," Angelica said.

"It's a choking game," Luke whispered.

"Choking is not a game," Angelica said.

"That's what it's called," Luke said.

"That's what's so wrong about it," Angelica said. "
A game
. You'd think it'd be fun, but all you do is numb yourself to the point you lose consciousness. You choke the reality out of your presence until you're high above it all. Until the world around you doesn't exist, until you don't matter, until you're so out of it, you think you're someone else, or you can't even think anymore."

"Have you ever done it?"

~Why are you asking her? Why don't you tell her you did it?~

"My friends did. I just watched," Angelica said.

"I did. A couple of days ago."

~I'm proud of you. I didn't think you'd fess up.~

"You did? MJ!" Luke squealed.

"Why? Were you alone?" Angelica's forehead furrowed.

"Yeah. I wasn't playing the choking game."

~Like hell you weren't. Tell her what you did!~

"I wanted to die."

~I'm shocked! Again, I didn't think you'd say that.~

"Why, MJ?" Angelica said.

"Why did I want to die?"

~That's what she's asking!~

"Did you have a reason?" Angelica said.

"I had a lot of reasons."

~Tell her what it was that pushed you over the edge.~

"It's... It's kind of crazy. I'm... I'm not sure you'd understand."

~Tell her! Do YOU understand? That's the real question here.~

"Try me," Angelica said.

"I... I've been unhappy for a long time. A lot of things happened and everything kind of piled up. And then when Stanley died, my whole world kind of crumbled. He was the only friend I could still talk to, but I never told him how much I appreciated him or how much I cared about our friendship. And then he was gone, and I felt lost. I felt horrible for not telling him. To me, it was like I failed our friendship. I thought if only I’d spent more time with him, maybe he wouldn't have played the choking game alone. Maybe I'd have been there to make sure he wouldn't die. I thought..."

~You never said you felt responsible! You're not responsible for Stanley's death!~

"I thought... I really don't know what I thought. All I could see was my life heading nowhere and my only friend gone. I didn't know what the purpose of me being here was. I was in so much pain I just didn't want to be here anymore."

~But that's still not what pushed you over the edge, MJ. Tell her. Don't be afraid. Tell her!~

"I know this may sound totally off the wall, but I have this nagging voice talking to me inside my head. It's hard to explain. It's not like I'm bipolar or anything. It's more like my inner voice, but it's mean sometimes. It tells me stuff I don't want to hear."

~Because you need to hear it!~

"It's so loud and real sometimes, I think I'm insane. I'd been tweeting about dying and some weird stuff, and this creepy voice started badgering me. I swear I'm not crazy, but I sure as hell thought I was that one time. This voice was brutal. It kept on bothering me, telling me if I killed myself, no one would care; everyone would think of me as some insane loner, Stanley's friend who didn't even matter enough for people to talk about. The only dead person kids would still remember after I died would be Stanley."

~Here you go. It's out. See? You can be honest with yourself. That's good.~