Chaste (McCullough Mountain) (20 page)

His brow crumpled as his eyes
shut. What the heck was this? He looked shattered, but he was the one that had
just hurt her.

She shouldn’t have gotten involved
with him. He was an expert and she was barely a novice. He warned her he
wouldn’t change and she stupidly remained optimistic. She was like some
derelict investing their last dollar in a lottery they’d never win.

He was too much for her in so
many ways and this mental sparring was making her feel very…ugly inside. Part
of the reason she was still a virgin was because the mind games of a physical
relationship were just too much.

She wasn’t a nasty person, but
self-preservation had her toughening her resolve. “I want you to leave.”

He slowly sucked his bottom lip
into his mouth and let it go. His gaze caught hers and she took a retreating
step, putting the counter at her back. Her chin hiked up an inch and she
swallowed. He didn’t get to intimidate her. No matter how filthy his
accusations made her feel, some guy afraid of his own emotions would
not
bully her.

Coward!
“You’re a
coward, Kelly McCullough.”

His eyes held an air of confusion
she wasn’t used to seeing, but beyond confusion was pure, unfiltered lust. How
could someone be angry and still look aroused? Was this supposed to teach her
some lesson, that he was cold and uncaring?

“What am I afraid of, Ashlynn?”

“Apparently, me.”

He laughed. “How so?”

When she retreated another step
he followed her, closing her in against the pantry. Her heart pummeled her
chest as her pulse leapt to life. “You think because I’m the lonely virgin I’m
desperate? Just some clueless victim of circumstance? I’m no more that girl
than you are the cocky jerk acting indifferent like my opinion means nothing to
you.”

His lashes lowered, narrowing his
gaze, disarming her with that intense, deep blue stare as his mouth kicked up
with too much false arrogance. He was so close his breath teased her lips. “I
warned you.”

Her fist shot out and bunched in
his shirt. Her glare tightened as she scowled up at him. “Go play your games
with someone else, Kelly. I don’t have time for boys and made the mistake of
thinking you were a man.”

That hit a nerve. His intense
stare broke and he immediately stepped back. Forcing her body to remain stiff,
she fisted her hands at her side. “Okay. It’s done.”

Okay? It’s done? What was he
trying to do, make her hate him? He wasn’t making any sense. Why the hell did
he come here? To pick a fight? To make her feel like a whore when she hadn’t
done anything wrong? Making a sound of disgust, she turned to the window and
waited for him to leave.

The room was silent for a steady
minute. When he spoke, his voice was so quiet she could barely make out his
words.

 
“I want you so much,” he whispered. “Not
just your body. I want to touch and talk to you. I want to plant things beside
you in the garden and listen to you tell stories about the rabbits out to
destroy your crops. I want to kiss you until you’re sobbing with pleasure in my
arms. But I will
never
be the right
guy for you.”

Her heart seized at the
desperation threaded in his voice.
What?
He was one big contradiction.
Is that why he was hurting her? Was it intentional, a way to save himself? More
games. More childish avoidance.

She stiffened her spine and twisted,
meeting his gaze. “You can’t have me.”

His brows drew tight as he stared
into her eyes, tension so clear on his face it could almost be mistaken for
pain. That was ridiculous.

“Why does being a virgin mean so
much to you?” he snapped.

That’s what this was about. At
the end of the day she was just the one thing he couldn’t have and he was
lashing out.

She’d asked herself that question
a million times in the past few days. The truth was, she wasn’t in the best
mental state to answer with great conviction. Her answer was a cop out, lacking
any real logic, but it was true and would have to be enough. “Because it’s what
I was taught.”

He stepped closer, crowding her
further into the doors of the pantry, and picked up her right hand, his thumb
tracing over the silver band there. His proximity had a different effect now
that he’d hurt her. He’d lost a bit of that hold he’d always had over her. “And
this?”

She withdrew her hand, fisting it
at her side. “That’s different.”

“It’s a promise ring,” he stated
the obvious.

“Why are you asking me about
this?”

“I’m curious.”

She kept her answers skeletal,
only giving him the bones of so many honest explanations that formed the
foundation of the beliefs she’d stood on since childhood. Those explanations
were personal and he’d abused her trust today. “My dad gave me the ring when I
was sixteen. I’ve never taken it off.”

“Did your parents wait until they
were married?”

“I don’t know. I assume so.”

“Is this about keeping a promise
to your father or to God?”

Her mind filled with saints that
died for their faith. If those martyrs could face such judgment she could
surely face Kelly McCullough without buckling. “Both. My parents loved each
other very much. When I marry my husband I want to give him a part of me only
he
will ever know. You’ll never
understand that sort of sacrifice.”

He stepped back. “No, I probably
won’t.” His head tipped up and his eyes were again harsh. “Are you upset about
what happened the other day?”

“No, but I can see you have
regrets. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again. I’m not a charity case that needs
your care. I can promise you this. My clothes will never come off for you. We
were wrong to think we could fool around without getting emotionally involved.
I’m not built that way and I don’t think you can handle me.”

A snide chuckle escaped his
throat. “You have no idea all the ways I could handle you.”

She shook her head. “No, you’re wrong.
You just want to believe you’re man enough to enchant any girl that crosses
your path. But I’m not some girl, Kelly. I’m a woman, a lady, no matter how
much I may not look the part. And so long as you keep believing we’re all the
same, you’ll never know anything more than the hollow company you keep.”

“You can’t be such an expert when
you’ve never crossed the line.”

“I know enough. I’m not
completely ignorant. I know how to love. I’m not afraid of my emotions like you
are. As a matter of fact, I’m so eager to give my heart away, all the other
stuff can come second. You and I have different ideals, because you’ll always
use the physical to push away the emotional. But I saw through you, Kelly. I
saw through you and it scared you. Now, you come here and hurt my feelings…”

“I would have eventually hurt you
anyway.”

“Says you. I guess we’ll never
know.” It was a physical effort to keep her back stiff and her stance proud.

“All I would have ever been was a
fun detour on the way to your future.”

You
could have been my future, but you didn’t want to try.
“The night we sat in my truck
talking, you said you hated being stereotyped. I’ve tried very hard not to put
a label on you and to get to know the actual person behind the façade. But
you’re the one who can’t let go of the act, Kelly, not me.”

“And no matter how much you want
me to see past your innocence, I can’t. Because when it’s all over you’ll go to
him.”

“Who?”

He shrugged. “Josh. Whoever. But
it was never meant to be me.”

“Because you never wanted to give
that much!”

A sardonic smile twisted his
features. “But like everyone else, you were willing to take what you could get,
use what I had to offer.”

“Because I stupidly thought you
were capable of more.”

“And there you have it, love. I
told you who I was and you wanted something better.”

“You
are
better, Kelly! You just refuse to see it.”

“Stop looking for someone I’m
not!” He snapped. “I would have touched you and kissed you and showed you
everything you needed to know for some man you haven’t even met yet!”

“That was your idea! I never
asked you to do that.”

“You didn’t reject the
opportunity either.”

“Well, you just have me all
figured out then, don’t you? It isn’t just about coping with my virginity. It’s
about intimacy and trust. The second you made me feel cheap you ruined that
trust. It doesn’t matter what you like, or my friends like, or even what Josh
likes. It matters only what my husband likes and only for him will I share that
side of myself.”

“You’re right. And I’m sure when
you meet him he’ll be everything I’m not.”

“No. He’ll be everything you were
afraid to be.”

He was suddenly pressing into her
front again. He’d moved so fast she’d somehow missed it. His lips pressed to
her neck and he whispered, “I hope your husband appreciates how lucky he is
when he finds you.” His mouth hovered over her wild pulse. “I hope he knows how
special the gift you have for him truly is. What you’re willing to do for him
and how rare that is.”

Her body was shaking. What if her
future husband
didn’t
appreciate everything
she held for him? Her mind screamed in panic. Harboring hopeless dreams that
Kelly would be that man, she struggled to accept Kelly was actually giving up. When
he pulled back such disappointment filled her, there was no denying the truth. He
was never going to be that man.

Her husband was a faceless
amalgam, but over the years, more so in the past few weeks, her imagination
adapted that man with pieces of Kelly. His blue eyes, his strong arms, his dark
hair that flashed blue under certain light, it was all him.

“Goodbye, Ashlynn.”

She didn’t want him to leave, but
it was for the best. She deserved a courageous man, not someone too afraid to
try. Her shoulders trembled with resolve as her mind objected and her last
shred of hope dissolved.

When her front door closed and
his truck pulled away, a tear slipped past her lashes. How did someone bereave
something they never had and never would know? If ending her association with
Kelly was right, why did it feel so wrong?

Chapter
Seven

“
Read’em
and weep, boys.” Josh fanned out his cards and
Kelly nearly broke a molar. Well, the prick just won everything, didn’t he?

“Bleeding
Christ, I’m losing my shirt tonight,” Finn said, tossing his cards on the
table.

“You
always lose,” Kelly commented, swooping up the deck. It was his turn to
shuffle.

“Fuck
off, Kelly. It isn’t like you’ve won a pot yet.”

He
scowled at his brother and tapped the deck on the table.

“Anyone
need a beer?” Colin asked, always the diplomat.

Josh
stretched like a proud peacock. If it were hunting season Kelly would have shot
the bastard. “I’ll take one, Colin. All this winning’s making me thirsty.”

“You
owe me money for the beer,” Kelly mumbled as he dealt the cards.

“Shouldn’t
be a problem,” Josh remarked, stacking his chips.

Kelly
rolled his eyes. He’d had just about enough of Josh and his lucky streak. Colin
returned and passed out fresh bottles. Finn worried about Mallory giving him
shit for losing more than he was allowed to gamble. It all suddenly seemed so
tedious. “Will you quit your fucking whining, Finnegan? Christ, change the
tampon already and quit being such a bitch.”

Everyone
froze. Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. Colin cleared his throat. Luke scowled
and asked, “What’s up your ass, Kelly? Leave him alone. We all know Mallory can
kick his ass.”

Finn
laughed, but there was no humor to the sound. His cards spread across the
table. “I’m done.” He stood and Kelly sighed. Enough with the dramatics.

Finn
wasn’t the one he was pissed at. “Don’t leave,” he said, with little
conviction.

“Why?
So you can sit here and break my balls some more? No thanks.”

It
was too easy. Under his breath, he muttered, “Thought your balls were tucked away
in Mallory’s jewelry box.”

The
table slammed into his chest as Finn lunged, Colin pulling him back at the last
second. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Nothing!”

“Yo!
Calm down,” Luke yelled.

“Yeah,
calm down, Finn,” Kelly said with an air of indifference.

Luke
turned his scowl on Kelly. “Shut the fuck up, Kelly. Stop antagonizing him.”

Of
all of the brothers, Luke was easily the biggest and the toughest, but Kelly
was itching for a fight. Maybe Luke was his man. “What are you gonna do?”