Changing Lanes (The Lone Stars Book 3) (20 page)

“Trust me, the angels will be weeping by the time I’m done with him.” Sweet Louise pulled out a wad of tissues from her pocket. “Here.”

Laney mopped her face but kept her head on Sweet Louise’s shoulder.

“You know in some religions they believe that when a soul has learned all of its earthly lessons, it may choose to come back to teach others. I see that in Down’s Syndrome kids whose love of life makes me smile. And I see that in Lara. She teaches me love and humility every single moment that I spend with her.” Sweet Louise’s voice shook. “Maybe it isn’t true, and I just tell myself that because it gives me comfort, but I don’t think so. When I look into her eyes, I see a generosity of spirit and a selflessness that’s missing from most of the population. She’s had a huge impact on my life in the short time that she’s been in it. Because of her, I’ve decided to redo all the rooms on her floor with different themes.”

“Think Alan will let you get away with it?” Laney shouldn’t have even asked. The administrator would have given Sweet Louise the shirt of his back and his car if she’d only asked.

“Child, please. The day I can’t handle the Alans of the world, is the day they lower me into the ground.” She stroked Laney’s hair. “Don’t beat yourself up about things you can’t control. Torturing yourself because you couldn’t heal Lara is a fruitless waste of time. Instead rejoice in the fact that because of you, she’s lived a longer and happier life than she would have without you. You gave her love and a family when she was alone. Whether you’re ready to admit it or not, you love each and every child that you treat. It’s what makes you a good healer because you see more than a broken body, you see the lovely human being in front of you. Don’t hate the part of you that cares. Rejoice in it.”

“But it hurts to lose them.” Laney sat back. She missed the comfort of having her head on Sweet Louise’s shoulder. “And I need to separate my emotions from the patients. I can’t give them the best treatment, if I don’t see them as just broken bodies.”

Could she? That was contrary to everything she’d ever told herself.

Sweet Louise shook her head. “I don’t know. I’m new at this sick kid thing. I don’t have the same view of it as you do, but from what I’ve seen, you can’t help but fall in love with each and every kid. Maybe caring is what makes you such a good doctor. Ever think of that?”

“No.” She really hadn’t.

Sweet Louise regarded her with shrewd eyes. “How many patients have you lost in your career?”

“Thirty–two. Want me to name them?” Every single name was tattooed on her brain and the picture of their bright hopeful eyes was tattooed on her soul. Her failures—the ones she couldn’t save.

“The fact that you know exactly how many and their names says more about you than your curriculum vitae. Life isn’t about counting your loses, but reveling in your victories. Do you know how many you’ve saved and their names?” Sweet Louise smiled.

Laney searched her brain for a number. “No.”

“I think you need to take a moment and remember the faces of those you’ve saved.” She pointed to the trail meandering through the healing garden. “Take a fifteen minute walk and see how many you can call to mind. Any halfway decent coach will tell you that counting the wins if far more important than the losses. Just think about how many families you’ve saved because you cared enough to go to battle for their child. How many lives have you touched because you refused to give up? That’s love right there. You can’t fight that hard, if you don’t care.” Sweet Louise put her arm around Laney. “Along the way, someone told you that caring was wrong, whoever that was is a big, fat idiot.”

That would be her father who showed her that emotions were messy and just got in the way. Every other bit of advice he’d given her had been wrong, why was this any different.

“Will you walk with me?” Laney felt a kinship with this woman that went far beyond friendship.

“Kisses and I would be happy to join you.” She stood and tugged gently on Kisses’ leash. “Now tell me about the first patient you can remembering saving.”

Laney thought about it. “Harrison Schiller. He was twelve when he was first diagnosed. Last year he graduated from high school.”

She stopped and took a moment for it to sink in. He’d graduated from high school because she fought like hell to heal him. That was a miracle. She’d helped to produce a miracle. The heaviness in her heart eased slightly. It was clear to her now that the professionalism she’d thought she’d donned when facing a patient was an illusion and served only to pacify the analytical part of her of brain that wanted to control the situation. The truth was that she couldn’t control it, had never been able to control it.

With each step and each remembered name, Laney finally understood that caring for her patients was part of what gave her the courage to face down terminal illness and to never give up.

Chapter 15

“You might want to give Laney a call, she’s had a rough day.” Devon’s mother said on the other end of the phone.

“What happened?” He sat up. In his empty hotel room in rainy Seattle, he felt cut off from the ones he loved. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. I think she finally accepted that Lara’s dying and that she can’t hide from her grief. Do you know she can name all of the patients she’s lost? Every single one. But this afternoon, I asked her about the ones that she saved, and she had a hard time remembering a handful of them.” His mother sighed. “It breaks my heart. She feels things deeply but crams it down because it hurts.”

He felt so powerless to help her. He stood and paced the length of the tiny room. Laney was hurting. She needed him, and he was stuck in a dreary hotel room on the other side of the country. Why hadn’t he quit football last season? Then again, he wouldn’t have re–met Laney if he had. Should he fly home just to see her? He’d miss practice tomorrow and get in all kinds of trouble. That didn’t bother him as much as his teammates counting on him. “But she’s okay now, right?”

“She’s fine. Summer and Grace and all the kids are coming over to the hospital, and we’re having a block party of sorts in Lara’s wing. We were going to do it outside, but it’s raining cats and dogs over here.” He heard his mother’s eye roll. “It never rains in Austin except when I want to throw a party.”

“You throw lots of parties.” Devon would give anything to be there.

“That’s beside the point.”

“So is the hospital okay with you throwing a block party on Lara’s floor?” He doubted that his mother had asked. She did what she wanted and sweet–talked those who stood in her way. He totally loved that about her.

“Please, if I wanted a surgery suite and a scalpel, Alan the administrator would gladly hand over both.” She yawned. She hadn’t been getting enough sleep at the hospital.

“Why don’t you go home for some sleep tonight. It would do you good.” Devon shook his head. She wouldn’t do it and he shouldn’t have wasted his breath, but he worried.

“I’m good. Lara’s sleeping now so she can be at her best for her block party hostess duties.” The concern in her voice made his heart ache. He gave up the pacing and sat down on the bed.

“How is she?” But he already knew she wasn’t good.

“Today wasn’t a good day.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “She’s slipping away. It’s like watching a blooming rose wither on the vine. I know the end is coming, but I didn’t expect it this soon. I want to hold on tight to her and beat back Mother Nature, but there’s nothing I can do.”

“Are you kidding? You’re doing more than anyone. We both knew the outcome wasn’t good, but we want Lara’s last days to be the brightest of her short life. That’s a gift that you’ve given her … the most important gift. You didn’t take the easy way out and dismiss her—you dove in headfirst. Not many people would have done that.”

“And not many sons would have intervened on a little girl’s behalf and given her a family.” His mother’s voice caught.

“Listen to us. We’re our own fan club. Who needs The Lone Stars’ Cheerleaders?” His sweet Lara wasn’t going to make it much longer. The hole in his heart threatened to swallow him.

“You sure don’t. You stay away from that little brunette with the huge fake ta–tas. She really wants to shake her pom–poms for you.” The playfulness was back in his mother’s voice. “You can’t be messing around with her. What if she gets pregnant? I don’t want any grandbabies with fake ta–tas.”

“The only woman I’ll be impregnating is Laney.” He grimaced. “That came out wrong.”

“Either marry her or I’ll start dating your friends.” His mother didn’t make idle threats. “Don’t screw it up.”

“I’m working on the marrying part, but unfortunately she’s cagey. I’m doing my best not to screw it up. She’s the one for me. All the other women in the world are faces in a crowd.” He smiled to himself.

“Thank God. I need me some smart grandbabies. Not that I don’t think you’re smart, but let’s face it, Laney’s got you beat.”

Just to keep her on her toes, he said, “What if we decide not to have children.”

“I–am–hanging–up–now. I can’t be wasting my time talking to crazy people. I love you. Talk to you tomorrow.” She hung up.

Devon scrolled for Laney’s number and pressed the telephone icon.

It rang once.

“Laney’s house of pain. Our whips give a lickin’ and keep on tickin’.”

He pulled the phone away from his ear and checked the number. It was Laney’s phone number, but it wasn’t Laney’s voice.

“Crap. Give me that.” It was Laney. “Hello.”

“Sounds like you’re having way more fun than I am.” Devon settled himself against the headboard.

“Nina dropped by my office to make my life a living hell, and now she won’t leave.” The smile in Laney’s voice made him grin.

“Some people always outstay their welcome.”

“Hey, I brought ice cream.” He heard Nina call from the background.

There was some shuffling.

“Are you Amish?” Nina asked.

“Give me the phone back.” Laney yelled.

“No, I need to know if he’s Amish because this no sex thing between the two of you is starting to affect me. I can’t live vicariously through you if you’re not having sex.” She huffed out a sigh. “You and Laney need to do the deed, and it better be epic because we both know that Laney is a terrible liar so embellishing the story isn’t an option. You better be at the top of your game. I won’t tolerate any slouching.”

Devon laughed. He couldn’t help it. He could all but see Laney’s face turning tomato red.

“Oh my God. I don’t even know where to start apologizing for her.” Laney was back.

“Adios people, I’ve got a plane to drive. I have the Maui route for the next week so I won’t see you at practice.” He heard kissing in the background. “Take care.”

A door slammed in the background.

“Again, I don’t know what to say about Nina.” Laney’s voice was higher than normal.

“Have you met my mother? She makes Nina look harmless.” He stuffed some pillows between his back and the headboard, and then crossed his legs at the ankle.

“Yeah, but your mother isn’t trying to force us to have sex.” Laney sounded honestly embarrassed.

“Oh yeah, I just got off the phone with her, and she’s talking about the smart babies she wants us to make. Talk about pressure.” What if they didn’t have genius IQs?

“She’s just worried about you.” Laney laughed. “I hope she gets some smart grandbabies or you’ll never hear the end of it.”

He could read between the lines. She hadn’t said ‘we’d’ never hear the end of it. That hurt. He understood that she was guarded, but that hurt.

“I’ve decided to take you up on your offer to babysit The Bluebird.” Laughter lingered in her voice.

Huh?

“Is that code for something? If we’re going to start talking in code you need to give me a heads up.” He rubbed the spot right above his heart. She didn’t see them as a long–term couple. Would he be able to change that?

“The Bluebird. That’s what I decided to call the Mustang. Bluebird because she flies. Anyway, if you don’t mind, I’m going to trade her out for Viola my Volvo this afternoon.” She sounded eager—younger.

It was a step in the right direction. Every time she took two steps back, she took a baby step forward. It was progress … slow … but progress all the same.

“That sounds fun. I wish I was there.” He really did. Away games had never hit him this hard before. He’d made fun of his buddy Clint for moping during away games, and here he was doing it too. It would be seventy–two long, grueling hours before he’d see Laney again. It loomed like a wasteland of devastation. And the worst part was, that this was just the beginning of the season. There were several more away games on the roster.

He kicked off his loafers and wiggled his toes.

“Can I ask you something?” Laney walked somewhere and then a door closed.

“Where are you?”

“In my office.” It sounded like she sat down. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Sorry, yes, ask me anything?” He wanted to touch her … to see her just to remind himself that she was back in his life.

She sounded different. Thoughtful or playful maybe?

“Do you love me?”

Devon sat up and actually stopped breathing for a moment. Had he heard her correctly? Seconds ticked by.

“Um …” He wasn’t sure what answer she was looking for. He swallowed a mouthful of saliva. His heart hammered in his chest. He maybe a lot of things but he wasn’t a coward. “Yes.”

“I thought so. I don’t love you yet, but I’m working on it. I had an emotional meltdown or breakthrough depending on how you look at it, and I realized that I’m falling in love with you. It scares me … a lot.” She made it sound like a clinical observation. It might not be romantic, but it was romantic for Laney.

“Why?” Loving didn’t scare him, it probably should, but it had always been with him just like she’d always been with him. His life had always had a purpose because in some way she’d always been in it.

“What if I’m not the person you think I am? What if I can’t give you what you need?”

“You’re more than I ever expected or hoped to find. Stop second–guessing yourself. You’re perfect just the way you are. From your peanut butter colored hair to the toes on your not–so–attractive feet, there is nothing I would change.” Devon’s heart was approaching stroke status. She was falling in love with him. His sweet, wonderful, smart, and funny Laney was falling in love with him again. This was more than he’d ever hoped to have.