Changing Lanes (The Lone Stars Book 3) (19 page)

“Absolutely.” Devon nodded. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to learn a few things about racecars.”

He waved and walked toward the garages.

Laney had said that the impractical side of her brain would know him. How did he bring that out in her? Should he just come clean? This was turning into somewhat of a mess. He’d done everything except come right out and tell her that he was DJ. He massaged the tense muscles at the back of his neck. He had a sneaking suspicion that his mother was once again, right.

If he told Laney now that he was really DJ, she would be angry. And he wasn’t confident that her feelings were strong enough that she would let him make it up to her. He sighed heavily with resignation that he had indeed screwed this up big time. He should have thought this out … had a plan, but when she’d walked into the football stadium, and he’d lost his mind. He doubted that temporary insanity would be an excuse Laney would accept. It was slightly better than “the dog ate my homework.”

The time had past for him to reintroduce himself so now all that was left was for her to remember him.

Chapter 14

“How’s my favorite patient this morning?” Laney walked into Lara’s now thoroughly homey room. Sweet Louise had created a tent–like canopy made out of pink and purple silks over Lara’s bed. Pink sheets, fluffy purple pillows, and two matching quilts had turned the hospital bed into a chic and comfortable princess fairyland. There were toys everywhere, a purple area rug, and a miniature white wrought iron table with two matching chairs set for a tea party.

“I’m feeling pretty good today.” Lara smiled and her missing two front teeth twisted Laney’s heart. Lara’s color was bad, her kidneys were failing, and there was nothing Laney could do about it. This was the beginning of the end. Laney had seen it too many times to count.

The little girl’s sallow skin was quite a contrast to the bright pink pajamas that swallowed her tiny body. Laney looked around. It appeared that Sweet Louise and Kisses the dog had on matching PJs. Kisses had spent the night with them as Lara had claimed that only Kisses could scare away the monsters under the bed.

“My girl’s doing well this morning.” Sweet Louise picked up Kisses and headed for the door. “I’m going to take this little rascal out for a walk and give you two ladies some privacy.”

Lara’s eyes followed Sweet Louise out, and when the door had closed behind her, Lara turned to Laney. “Do you believe in Heaven?”

Laney fitted her stethoscope in her ears and listened to Lara’s breathing. “Yes.”

She needed to believe that her patients went to a better place after they died. It didn’t quite make sense, but it didn’t not make sense either.

Her lungs were clear that was good.

“I’m going to die soon. I know.” Lara placed her hand over Laney’s and patted. “It’s okay, I’m ready.”

Laney wasn’t ready. That was a mule–kick to the chest. She knew it was only a psychosomatic response to anxiety, but it felt like a mule–kick.

She swallowed down the lump of grief that threatened to choke her. It was too early to be mourning this sweet little girl, but her heart already felt the loss. “Yes, your body is failing.”

She couldn’t lie to this wonderful little girl no matter how much she wanted to.

“Honey and Devon still believe that I’m going to get better. Why is that?” Lara looked so grown up … too grown up. Little girls shouldn’t be having this conversation … ever.

“Because they love you, and they have hope. Their belief that you’ll get better comforts them because when you love someone you want to be with them … see them. It’s easier to believe that you’ll get better than facing the fact that someday you’ll be gone.” Laney knew she was talking about herself. Only she didn’t have the luxury of hope, it’s not that she didn’t have hope, but she wouldn’t use it as a crutch.

She’d lost patients before, but it had never felt like this. When Lara died, part of Laney’s soul would go with her—she could actually feel her heart breaking right this second. She searched her mind for a medical reason that would explain the pain in her chest, but there wasn’t one. It was love … love that was twisting her inside out.

“You know, there are tiny little babies who get sick and die. I’m lucky. I got to have a family. That’s more than those tiny little babies.” Lara reached up and touched Laney’s cheek. “Don’t be sad for me. I’m going to Heaven.”

Laney nodded because she didn’t trust her voice.

“Sweet Louise says that everyone’s Heaven is different. There’s pearly gates and that stuff, but everyone’s Heaven is different. Mine’s going to be made of strawberry ice cream and stuffed animals. I’m going to look down from Heaven on the people I love and that love me. That’s the nice part, now I have people to look down on.” She shrugged her thin shoulders. “Well, besides you. You’ve always been my family.”

The knife in her heart twisted, and she couldn’t seem to fill her lungs with air.

“In my Heaven, I’m going to have hot chocolate for breakfast everyday and cheeseburgers for lunch. My dinner will be all red Skittles. I can’t wait.” Her brow screwed up. “They have food in Heaven, right?”

Laney nodded again. She took a deep breath, wrapped her stethoscope around her neck, and gave up the pretense of doctoring. If it gave Lara comfort that she would get to eat her weight in red Skittles, then by all means she should believe it. “You bet, kiddo. Eat some Skittles for me.”

“What’s a will?” Lara relaxed back against the raised bed. “I saw some people reading one on TV last night after their mother died.”

Laney thought of the best way to explain it. “It’s sort of a letter you leave for the people in your life telling them what to do with your things after you die.” She pulled the closest chair up to Lara bedside and sat down.

“Now that I have some stuff, I guess that I need to make one.” Lara scratched her head. “Can you write it out for me?”

“Of course.” Laney pulled out her prescription pad from her white physician’s coat pocket. Her heart ached that this little girl was so chipper about writing a will. “Go for it.”

“I’d like for you to have Princess. I was thinking you could put her in your office with a sign that said, “free hugs” so the kids would have something to hug and not be so scared. I’d like my tiara collection to go to Honey. She’s going to be sad when I die and those will cheer her up. I’d like Devon to have Cuddles,” she pointed to a purple stuffed hippo wearing pink ballet shoes, “besides Princess, she’s my second favorite—don’t tell Devon that, I want him to feel special.”

It was like Lara was making out her Christmas list—so excited. The heartache was turning into a hollow sadness. Laney concentrated on taking notes instead of the fact that she was writing the last will and testament of a five–year–old.

“I’d like all of my other stuffed animals and toys to be given away to the other kids in the hospital.” Lara looked around. “And I’d like for my room to stay just like this … it could be called the Princess Room; maybe it would make some other sick girl smile.” She shifted and played with a loose thread on the quilt. “Don’t tell Honey, but I’m a little bit scared. Is it going to hurt when I die?”

Tears strung Laney’s eyes and she bit her top lip willing them away. She was a doctor and this was her patient, emotion never played into the doctor–patient relationship. Only, this time, Lara was more than just a body that needed fixing. She was a perfect little girl who’d been through so much and had so much to give. The barriers that Laney had erected so that she could do her job crumbled. The only defense she had against the dark side of her chosen profession was gone. She was vulnerable and the grief seeping in threatened to strangle her. Yet, she sat there taking notes because it was the only way she could help this wonderful little girl.

“I don’t know if it will hurt or not. I guess it depends on how you die.” She didn’t want to say on which organ fails first causing cardiac arrest. Laney hung her head. For the first time in her life, she wished that she didn’t know the facts. She wanted to un–learn the human body and tell Lara that she would fall asleep and go peacefully, but death was harsh and painful and the result of trauma to the body or in her case, a disease that greedily sapped the body of life. “I’ll do my best to make sure that it doesn’t hurt.”

The best thing for Lara would be to slip into a coma, but Leukemia wasn’t kind. Right now, she would give anything not to know what the future held.

“What happens right when I die?” Lara’s serious eyes had seen so much in her short life.

Laney was fairly certain she didn’t want to know the physiological explanation, but the spiritual one. “Honestly, I don’t know. There have been people who’ve died and come back saying that you simply float out of your body and go into a bright light. And others say that your mind takes you through your happiest memories before you enter the white light.”

“I hope I get to go through my good memories, that way I’ll get to relive this last week.” Her eyes were bright at the prospect. “I wish I could die and then come back and tell you what it’s like.”

Laney wished the little girl didn’t have to die at all. It was so unfair. There were murderers and rapist who lived, but this precious child was dying.

“Me too. I wish you could come back and stay forever.” Laney said it before she’d thought about it. More than anything, she wanted to hug Lara forever and keep her safe, but that was out of her control.

“Dr. Laney,” she looked Laney right in the eye, “thanks for all that you’ve done for me. You did your best to make me better, and you gave me a family. Thank you.”

This time there was no stopping the tears. She concentrated very hard on ripping the paper off her prescription pad, folding it, and putting it in her pocket.

“I’ll hold onto this until its time.” Her voice was shaky.

“Thanks.” Lara’s eyes were getting heavy.

“Why don’t you take a nap, and I’ll check on you this afternoon.” Laney lightly patted the thin arm, tucked her quilt around the little girl, turned out the light, and left the room.

It was useless pretending that she didn’t love Lara. And it was useless pretending that she’d ever been able to separate her job from her heart. She’d mourned the loss of every single child she’d failed. It had always been more than a defeat, it had been devastation. All these years, she’d been lying to herself. She’d kept every child she’d lost close to her heart. But Lara was special. Laney would love her for the rest of her life and the hole left in her heart would never go away. She couldn’t turn off her emotions around Lara and she was tired of telling herself that she could.

The tears were coming faster now and the hospital was no place for them. She hurried down the hall and nearly knocked Sweet Louise over.

“I’m so sorry.” Laney righted the older woman and would have continued on her way if Sweet Louise hadn’t touched her arm.

“Child, what’s wrong?” Sweet Louise’s voice was so light that for a split second, Laney thought it was her imagination.

“Nothing.” She swiped at the tears. “I need to get to the office.”

It was a lie she only wanted to be out of here.

Sweet Louise clamped a hand down on Laney’s upper arm and held tight. “We’re going for a walk. True, I’ve just taken Kisses out for one, but we’re going on another one. Let me just tell Lara.”

“She’s napping.” Laney gasped out. She was losing the battle against sobbing. Tears were one thing, but sobbing was a whole different ball game.

“Good, let’s go.” She pulled Laney to the elevator and hit the down button.

“I can’t. I have patients.” Laney wanted to escape to her office where she could shut the door and cry in peace.

“They’ll keep. Doctors are never on time.” Sweet Louise wasn’t taking no for an answer. Now she saw where Devon got it.

The elevator door dinged open and Sweet Louise dragged her in.

Her colleague, Dr. Rosenberg a hematologist, followed by a small crowd of medical students made to step into the elevator but Sweet Louise glared at him.

“We’ll take the next one.” Dr. Rosenberg stepped back.

The doors closed and the elevator descended.

“Really, I’m fine.” Laney almost choked on the words.

Sweet Louise held Kisses out in front of her. “I don’t believe she’s fine, do you?”

Kisses looked bored.

“Where’s Kisses?” Sweet Louise tucked Kisses under her arm.

Laney managed a smile through her tears. She loved that damn puppy so much. Hell, it looked like she loved everyone and was turning into a blubbering fool.

The elevator dinged the arrival of the first floor and the doors rolled open. Sweet Louise pulled her through a side door into the three–acre healing garden. Sunshine blasted them and they stepped under the covered walkway.

“You need to allow yourself a good cry.” Sweet Louise pulled her to the nearest picnic table.

Laney looked around. They were all alone. “I can’t.”

“Stop looking around trying to see if anyone is watching us. It doesn’t matter if they are. You need to cry. Emotion isn’t a weakness, but a strength.” Sweet Louise set Kisses down.

“But …” The tears came faster and the choking, halting sobs started up.

Sweet Louise put her arms around Laney. “Child, let it all out. You keep yourself so tightly buttoned up, it must be killing you.”

Laney put her head on Sweet Louise’s shoulder and let go. The older woman stroked Laney’s back as the grief and desolation and utter helplessness Laney felt bubbled to the surface.

“That’s right. Let it all out.” She continued to gently pat. “You battle disease every single day, you deserve a good cry. You can’t relieve your soul until you’ve cried out all the sadness.”

“She’s dying, and I can’t fix her. She’s dying.” Laney’s control was gone—broken by the need to be comforted. For once, she was going to let someone else shoulder the burden, if only for a little while.

“I know, but Lara’s ready.” Sweet Louise just patted and let Laney cry. “It’s not fair, and I hate it. Trust me, when I meet God face–to–face we’re going to have words. He’s got some ‘splaining to do.”

Laney managed to laugh between sobs. “I’d pay money to see that conversation.”