Caustic (6 page)

TWELVE

ELLIS

We sat on the couch with Chester curled up between us. I had never been one for rules when it came to dogs, but Chester was practically family. I watched Skye as she had her fingers intertwined in his reddish hair. He seemed to calm her down after our interaction with Frank. He was a mess, clearly off his meds, and I wondered if he was going to group therapy anymore. I had never seen his house in that much of a disarray: garbage and clothing everywhere. That hallway had practically been filled with metal pieces; he must’ve been frequenting a junkyard around here. I made a mental note to go visit him more often, make sure he was taking better care of himself. He lived less than an hour away, so it was stupid for me to not help him.

The TV was on, but I wasn’t watching it, I wasn’t quite sure if Sky was either. I had noticed she often frequented the shadows of her own mind. Sometimes, she looked so much like Leia, quiet and subdued, and yet other times she was so full of life and completely different than her sister. I never knew what to expect. Leia hated coffee, yet Skye made herself a cup at the restaurant before we left. Leia hated everything that had to do with getting up early in the morning, including coffee. I could remember her telling me once that the smell made her gag.

“Have you seen this movie before?” Skye asked me.

I appreciated that she was trying to make conversation. Neither of us had much to say about our day. “No. Do you know what it’s about?”

She gave me a small smile, “I was about to ask you. Sorry, I haven’t really been paying attention.”

I shrugged; neither had I. “So, I have to go back to work tomorrow.”

She nodded. “Oh, right. Do you want me to go now?”

I didn’t want her to go, part of me didn’t want her to ever leave. And Chester’s quiet breathing told me that he was just as involved with her as I was. “No, no.” It sounded more desperate than I had wanted it to. “You can definitely stay again tonight. I just wanted to let you know that I can’t really help you tomorrow.”

I didn’t know how else I would help her at all actually. Frank was the only other person that I still kept in contact with from the institution. I didn’t know anyone else, and I didn’t know anyone that Leia would have contacted either. We were at a dead-end.

“That’s okay, I don’t really think I’m going to find out much more here anyway. I’ll leave tomorrow morning.”

I nodded and looked back to the movie, wracking my brain for anything I could think of that could keep her here. Any other breadcrumbs that her sister may have left. And, then I remembered I had one of her journals. She drawn a portrait of me during session one time, and she didn’t want to rip the page out, so she gave me the whole book. It was practically brand-new except for maybe ten or so pages she had written in, she assured me none of the information was private. “I have an idea. I’ll be right back,” I said, as I walked away from her, and heading into my bedroom.

I had a box of things that I collected over the years, mementos I guess. My mother’s necklace, and a watch that my grandfather had worn. Leia’s journal was hidden with the other items in the shoebox underneath my bed.

I pulled it out and blew off the dust; it had been a long time since I’d opened it. I carefully lifted off the cardboard box’s top, and, inside, just as I expected was Leia’s journal, sitting right on top. I picked it up and thumbed through the pages, stopping at the portrait that she had drawn of me. It really was beautiful; she had true talent. But, she hardly ever drew when we were in the hospital, only on really good days. I remembered a bad day once, when she ripped the painting off the wall that she had just made a week before, and took it into the shower with her so that all the paint would run off. It had looked like the colors were crying along with her. It was one of her darker moments that I witnessed. I got up off my knees, and traipsed back into the living room.

“Here,” I said, as I extended the journal to her.

Her eyes widened. “Is this hers? I mean, it looks just like the one that I have.”

I nodded. “I don’t know why I didn’t think about it until now. And there’s not much written in it, but maybe you’ll recognize something.”

Her eyes softened at me, those deep green pools starting to trust me. That was dangerous, for her and for me. But I wanted to throw caution to the wind; I wanted Skye to stay.

I sat down next to her, but she didn’t open it. Our thighs met, and a surge of lust ran through my veins. I felt all the things for her I hadn’t ever felt for Leia, as much as she wanted me to. Something was different about Skye, and I wanted more.

But I couldn’t have her. It wasn’t right. And I was dangerous; I would hurt a girl like her. I couldn’t help myself.

She watched me, like I was an animal ready to pounce, like she wasn’t sure what I might do next. The truth was I didn’t either.

She sighed heavily, “I kind of don’t want to open it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to know more. I mean I know I need to, in order to find her. But at the same time, I don’t want to know what she’s thinking. Her thoughts are so dark in some of these.”

“Yeah all of ours were. It was just part of being there.”

“But you’re different,” she insisted. She ran her hand over my thigh.

“No, I’m not. And you need to realize that.”

Her eyes told me she disagreed.

“We need to set some rules.”

“Rules?” she inquired.

“Yeah, rules. Like how we can’t do whatever it is you want to do.”

“What? I don’t understand anything you’re saying.” She cocked her head at me, it was cute in an innocent way.

“I need to stay away from you Skye, for both our benefits.”

“Have it your way.” She huffed, looking annoyed. She opened the journal and started skimming the pages.

“I’ll just leave you here. You can look at it on your own. I’ll see you in the morning.” I slapped my thigh so that Chester would come with me, but he simply lifted his head, and set it back down on her lap. “Looks like you got a friend.”

She stared at the journal was she patted him absentmindedly. “Oh yeah. He can stay with me if it’s all right with you.”

I nodded, “Sure.”
Traitor
, I thought.
She doesn’t want us
.

I wanted her to ask me to stay too, but she didn’t, so I retreated back to my room. Another night alone, didn’t feel so hard.

THIRTEEN

ELLIS

“Ellis! Ellis, wake up! You have to see this.”

Skye was standing in front of me, already dressed… or was she in the same outfit from the night before? I wasn’t sure. But she was jumping up and down with the journal I had given her the night before in her hand, acting like it was some sort of treasure. I rubbed my eyes just as Chester jumped up on the bed.

“What are you talking about?”

She sat down on the bed in front of me looking excited. She had found something.

“The journal! In the journal you gave me last night, Leia talks all about my grandfather’s cabin. I wonder if that’s where she’s been staying. Nobody’s been there in years, but it’s paid off. I think the electricity might even still be on. Somebody could totally squat there and no one would ever know. She might’ve been there this whole time. It’s not that far from here, only about an hour. I could drive there today and check.”

I noticed how she said I, not we. She wanted to go on her own. So why was I coming up with ways to have to join her? What was this protectiveness I had over her? “That’s great. Really. But, are you sure you should go alone? I mean, if no one has really been there in years, it could be dangerous.”

She chewed on her lower lip while she mulled over. “But I couldn’t ask you to go. You have to work, even though I don’t.”

That was the first time she mentioned her job. I hadn’t even thought to ask. “You took time off, didn’t you?”

She shrugged. “Something like that.”

I tried to look into her eyes, but she turned away, I knew there was a truth hidden there that she wasn’t ready to share with me. Over the past two days, we had shared a lot. I wanted her to trust me, but I could tell she didn’t, not quite yet. A trip to her grandfather’s cabin could change all of that. I had to figure out a way to go.

“It’s fine. I have some vacation days saved up. Chester and I will come with you. It’ll be like an adventure.”

The corner of her mouth rose into a half smile. “Adventure? Did you really just say that?”

I started to sit up, the bed sheet slipping down off of my exposed chest. I couldn’t help but notice her eyes immediately went to my bare skin. I saw the color rushing her cheeks. “And, what if I did? Isn’t that what you’re on? Some sort of path of discovery? I think that’s what they call them on those infomercials anyway.”

She raised an eyebrow at me. “I don’t really like to think of it that way. I like to think of it as almost over. I find Leia, I bring her to my grandfather, and I move on with my life.” Even though she put on this strong exterior, I could tell that it was killing her inside. I watched as she listened to that voice message; she hated every second of it because it hurt her. I could tell she was a girl that didn’t like to get hurt, not anymore.

“Fine. Have it your way,” I said with a sigh. “But, if you want, I’ll go with you to this cabin. It will be good for us. I mean for you,” I said, embarrassed by my slipup.

“Great. I’m going to grab my stuff. I already made breakfast for us. So, get dressed and do whatever you need to do for work, and we’ll leave.” She moved to get off my bed, but I grabbed a hold of her hand.

“I hope we find something there.”

She looked like she was fighting back tears. “Me too.”

She nodded as I let go, and walked out the door, closing it quietly behind her. I saw that Chester had already fallen asleep on the bed. “We have to keep her around, buddy. Somewhere underneath that tough exterior, is a girl that needs us. A girl who needs saving, maybe more so than her sister does.”

FOURTEEN

ELLIS

We drove for just under an hour, like she said, until we arrived at Bear Lake, a small town in the center of Vermont. There was a lake here unsurprisingly, and some quaint shops and eateries. It wasn’t unlike Fairmont.

Chester sat in the back seat with his head out the window for most of the ride, enjoying the freedom of the open road. I didn’t take him out very much besides some walks in the woods, and into town occasionally to go shopping. We just didn’t travel very much, honestly; there was no need to. I didn’t have family to go visit, and I didn’t really like to leave my small town. But, going to Bear Lake, it wasn’t all that different. And, when we arrived at the cabin, it looked kind of like home, when I first moved in. The building was extremely rundown. I could tell as soon as we walked up that that there wasn’t any electricity, and I looked around the building for a possible generator. As Chester and I walked the perimeter, Skye just stood in front of it with her mouth gaping open. When we arrived back at the front, she was sitting on the front steps. She hadn’t even gone inside yet.

“Well?”

She just shook her head. “You and I both know she’s not here. There’s not even power, is there?”

“No. Nobody’s been here in years, Skye. I’m sorry.”

“Yellow,” she said blankly.

“I’m sorry?”

“Yellow… it used to be yellow. With daises in the front yard. This whole patch was daises,” she pointed to some dead grass. “And, in the back, near the water, there was a huge garden.”

“It’s still there,” I said. “I saw it when I walked back there. But it looks like a jungle now.”

“How did this happen? How did everything go to shit so quickly?” She put her head in her hands, and I could hear her mumbling. “I just thought this might be it. Why couldn’t this time just work? I don’t know where to go from here!”

I heard Chester barking, and I looked up to the sky. It was getting dark… fast. Sometimes, storms rolled in from the Great Lakes. We didn’t want to be standing out here having this conversation whenever it started to pour. “Let’s just go inside. I mean we’re here, aren’t we? Might as well search the place at least. And wait out the storm that’s approaching.”

She glanced up at the clouds passing us as the wind picked up, her dark green eyes reflections of the darker clouds above us. “I guess you’re right.” She sighed, and stood up, grabbing a key from underneath a rock that was sitting right next to her. She let us in only moments later.

On the inside, the place is still in okay shape. There was a broken window in the kitchen, some leaves, and other debris had blown in, but it didn’t look like any animals had made their home in here. All in all, we were lucky. I watched as she hopefully flicked a couple light switches, but we both knew that there is no power. She walked through the kitchen, and into the living room. It was a small cabin, but there were maybe three bedrooms. However, the couch had blankets stacked up on it like someone had been sleeping there, maybe even recently. “You don’t think?” she asked me, pointing to the folded up blankets.

“I don’t know anything anymore. I mean everything has been pretty locked up, except that back window. And the back of the house is a second story. Whoever’s been staying here knew were the key was.”

Suddenly, she started tearing through the house, looking through every room to find any sign of life, but no one was there. Slowly, she ambled back into the living room, and sat down on the couch, drawing circles on the dusty blankets. “Even if she was here, these haven’t been used in a while.”

I nodded at her. “How long have your parents been keeping this place up? I mean she could’ve left if the power got turned off.”

She shrugged. “I honestly didn’t even know we still owned it. I had to call my mom this morning before I woke you up. She didn’t give me a lot of information.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I haven’t been here since I spent my summers here is a child. Obviously, someone has, but it wasn’t me. After Leia disappeared, my relationship with my parents deteriorated. I didn’t think it was fair for me to be walking around, looking just like her, and living my life, I knew it hurt them. But it was better for me to stay away. I know that. I’m not even sure of the last time my grandfather visited this place, probably before my grandmother passed. And that was a few years ago.”

“So, the power being on was just wishful thinking?” I heard a clap of thunder above us. The thin walls of the cabin shook.

Her eyes grew wide. “Yeah, I guess so. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately, haven’t I?” She ran her fingers through her long dark hair, playing with the curl at the end.

I moved and sat down next to her on the couch. Our knees pressed against each other, and I felt electricity run through my body. It was like she created a fire in my veins. I just wanted to hold her, to make everything better, but I didn’t know how. Her demons were deeper than mine might’ve been. And I wasn’t good for her; I was dangerous.

She wrapped her arms around her body as I heard the rain begin to pound on the roof.

“We need a fire,” I said, pointing to the open fireplace across from us.

“It’ll fill the house with smoke,” she responded. “You’re supposed to clean those every few years.”

“Well, it’s worth a try.” I knew nothing about fireplaces honestly, but I didn’t want her to be cold. I stooped down next to it, and felt the few logs inside. They were dry. A matchbox laid on the brick, so I lit one, tossing it into the wood. Nothing happened.

“Here,” she said, offering me some newspaper. “Light this, and put it under the wood until it catches.”

I took the paper and followed her instructions; it quickly ignited. “You know what you’re talking about.”

“You won’t like that when we can’t breathe.” She made a face at me.

She sat back down, this time on an adjacent armchair. The room was beginning to get dark from the storm. I was glad we had light, and hoped we wouldn’t smoke the whole place up as she had suggested.

I sat down on the floor at her feet. And that was when she fell apart.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore! I don’t know where to go from here.” Tears started to well up in the corners of her eyes as she lost control. “How am I supposed to find her? When she doesn’t even want to be found?! This isn’t my life. I have a life, I have friends and… well, I had a job. It that doesn’t matter.”

“What doesn’t matter?”

She shrugged. “I lost my job a couple days ago. It’s the reason I can be here, and not worry about taking off like you. Oh, and I made you take off work. I feel so stupid.”

“Don’t feel stupid. You’re not. You’re just trying to do right by your grandfather. No one thinks you’re being dumb for doing this. You obviously love him very much.”

“And this place,” she added. “I loved coming here in the summers. Learning how to garden, how to play chess, swimming in the lake. It was everything to me.”

She stood up her hands, shaking in frustration. “But, this is my fault. At the end of the day, the reason that Leia was carted off is my fault.”

I stayed seated but questioned her. “What do you mean? How is her illness your fault?”

She ran her hands through her hair, this time more raggedly. “I didn’t listen to her. She might’ve been asking for help, and I had no idea. I was so wrapped up in my own life that I wanted nothing to do with her and her dark places. I could’ve pulled her out. I could’ve fixed her. And the things that I said in therapy… Well, they didn’t help either.” She started to pace around the room.

Now I stood. There was just a coffee table between us but it felt like the space was so much larger. “You couldn’t have fixed her. Mental illness isn’t just something that you can put a Band-Aid on, Skye. It took years of therapy, and I’m still on meds in order to keep my anger under control.”

She shook her head, the tears now flowing steadily down her cheeks. “But you had something to be angry about. We lived a perfect middle-class life! There was nothing wrong with our picture. You, on the other hand, you had every right to be angry.” She looked at me, the color draining out of her face. Somehow, she knew why I had been put in the hospital. One of Leia’s journals must’ve described it; so much for privacy.

“You know, don’t you?”

She hung her head in shame. “Yes.” Then, she lifted her hands, and pleaded with me. “But only bits and pieces. I don’t know the whole story.”

“You don’t need to. As long as you know that I was put in there because I get angry sometimes, and I hit things when I do, that’s enough to keep you away from me.”

“But what if I wanted to? What if I wanted to know about your mom and her murder? Would you tell me?”

I heard another crack of thunder outside; the storm was upon us. “I guess that depends.”

“On what?”

“Or how you would feel about me if you knew. If you knew the things that they said about me, about the person that I was, or the person that I am.”

She sat back down in the empty armchair, and I watched as the dust blew up around her, but she didn’t seem to notice. She placed her hands on her knees, waiting eagerly for my response. “Tell me.”

Part of me wanted to tell her, so she would know that it wasn’t my fault. It took years of therapy for me to figure that out, but I finally did. And it wasn’t my fault; it was the terrible people that I had grown up around. People my mother trusted. People she shouldn’t have. “My dad used to beat my mom and I. It was pretty bad, and, one night, he just keeled over.”

She cocked her head at me, her dark green eyes imploring me to tell the truth. “I don’t need to PG-13 version, Ellis. I want the real story. You know mine. My sister was found hanging by a noose after going to therapy and on serious medication. And you know exactly what happened after that. You probably know more than I do. So, the least you can give me here, is the truth.”

“Are you asking me if I killed my father? Because, if you are, you might as well just say it!”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, did you kill him?”

I didn’t expect her to actually ask. I don’t know why I didn’t expect her to ask. I just didn’t. How could I tell her the truth? How could I tell her that my mother was a murderer, and that I, as a young boy, couldn’t protect her? It killed me inside. I would let the rumors fly for years because I thought it was better that way. I thought it would keep us both safe. But, then, she found a new boyfriend; the same type of guy as my dad. Deadbeat alcoholic who had a thing for hitting women and kids. She never should have let him in our house; her death was his fault. I sighed heavily and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to contemplate how to explain this to her. How to explain both my guilt and my anger, and how, when they met on the inside of my body, felt like waves crashing against each other. “I didn’t kill him. I wanted to. And I should have done it with my bare hands, but I didn’t. My mother killed my father. And then her boyfriend killed her. A vicious cycle of death surrounds my life, Skye. Something that you don’t need to get involved in.”

“You don’t get to make that decision.” She stood up again, her hands flailing along with her words. “I’m a big girl, and I have my own dark parts. Everybody does! But you don’t get to decide whether or not I want to be involved with you. Because, honestly, I hardly have a decision in the matter. Once my heart tells me to do something, I’m in. And, whatever it is about you, Ellis Waters, I’m stuck on you. And I can’t control that any more than you can control the fact that you have a dark childhood.”

“A dark childhood? I’m a death magnet. And I’m going to stay away from you.” It was the only way to keep her safe. I couldn’t be her next heartbreak. I wouldn’t do that either of us.

I turned and walked away, headed for the kitchen. The storm raged outside, its mate locked inside my mind. But, just as I reached the doorframe, she called out to me.

“I don’t want to stay away from you.”

I turned and looked at her over my shoulder. “What?”

“I don’t care what rules we set last night. And I don’t think you’re dangerous, you’re protective. There’s a difference, I don’t care what any shrink set about you. You’re not crazy.”

I turned around and studied her face for some flicker of understanding, but, instead, she stood there defiantly. She wouldn’t let me tell her how to feel or what to think. In the very short time that I knew her, I had already learned that, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

“Everyone is a little crazy, Skye. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t do the things that we do. We wouldn’t be the people that we are. Craziness makes you live life. It makes you do things like this.” In just three strides, I was across the living room, and my hands were on her soft cheeks. I pulled her into me, kissing her roughly, and pushing myself onto her. It only lasted a second before I broke away. I shouldn’t have broken our rules; it wouldn’t help us get anywhere. When I pulled away her eyes were closed and her lips extended like she was trying to catch her breath. When they fluttered open, and I looked into the dark green pools I had becoming accustomed to, I knew I had to walk away, because if I didn’t, I would have to kiss her again. I liked it too much, I cared about her too much. I was bad for girls like her, and Skye, with her sweet tone and unraveling nature, was just as dangerous for me as I was for her.