Catch Me A Cowboy (32 page)

No, she wasn't falling in love with Wil. She
loved
him. Adored the ground he walked on. Would do anything for him. She loved him.

Her throat grew tight. Tears pricked her eyes. She thrust her wine glass down. Was it suddenly hard to breathe in here? Had the temperature increased? She flapped her hands over her face trying to cool herself and sucked air harder into her lungs.

Calm down, Emily.

She felt the slow caress of fear all through her body. The threatening mouth of anxiety. It was irrational, she knew it, but it was real. Her heart thundered. She pressed both palms against the kitchen bench and closed her eyes, trying to steady her breaths, but they kept coming in rushes, thin. Her chest ached.

What was happening to her? Why was this happening now?

And then the thought stung her like a wasp—loving Wil this much was dangerous. Very dangerous. And her body was doing its best to warn her.

No. She couldn't succumb to this. Not this time. Not with Wil. He was worth too much.
But imagine the pain of losing him? Imagine what it will feel like when he realises you're not good enough for him anymore?

Her body shook. Her chest was heavy and tight. So tight. She couldn't draw a breath. Was Wil worth this pain? Such an ancient grief overcame her. The sensation of abandonment swamped her senses; the pain of having her world shattered into a million shards; the loss of the one person she adored as he transformed into an untrustworthy monster. Betrayal filled her from her toes to her head, and she knew this exact scenario, with Wil, would be a billion times worse if she allowed it to happen.

She tossed her head from side to side. She couldn't let that happen. She had to stop all this before he had the chance to grip her heart in his hands and squeeze until it was broken and bleeding.

Emily ran out of the kitchen, down the hall and into her bedroom. Panting, she pulled her mobile from her bag and switched it on. She jogged out of her bedroom, along the hall and burst out through the back door into the cool night. She gulped in the air as she strode quickly towards the tree. Halfway there, she dialled Xanthi's number. It was late, but she didn't care. She needed to talk about this before she did anything stupid.

‘Is everything okay?' came Xanthi's weary voice.

For a moment, Emily couldn't speak, found it hard enough to breathe.

‘Emily? Are you okay?'

Emily shook her head, squeezed her eyes closed. ‘No,' she managed, a rasped bark.

‘What happened? What's going on?' Xanthi's words were rushed, shrill.

‘I love him.'

‘And?'

‘I love him too much.'

‘There's no such thing, Em. You hear me? No. Such. Thing. You can't possibly love someone too much. Love is love is love is love.'

Emily pressed her free hand to her chest, her shoulders rolling inwards. ‘Why does it frighten me to death?'

‘It shouldn't. It doesn't. You just need to stop overthinking things and take the risk.'

‘If I didn't have to give everything up to be with him, I might be able to take the risk. If I could ensure I still held on to my apartment and my job, we might be able to make it work.' But they were lies. She wouldn't let this man hold her heart any longer. It was too fragile a thing for a man to hold, especially one she had freely given the ability to destroy her.

‘That's no way to live, Em. Preparing for when everything might end. That's not letting go and loving with all your heart.'

Emily shook her head from side to side and groaned. ‘It's foolish to love someone this much. Dangerous. I'm opening myself up for so much misery you just can't even believe it.'

‘Wil's not your father. You're not your mother. You are a strong, resilient woman who owes it to herself to take a fucking risk with love. Emily, if you fuck this up, I promise you, I will never ever talk to you again.' Xanthi's words were loud and angry and Emily flinched. ‘I won't. I can't. I will not put up with this anymore—seeing you sabotage yourself over and over again because of someone else's mistakes. You don't owe it to anyone to be miserable. No one. Do you understand?'

‘I can't do this. I can't. I'm ending it.' Xanthi didn't understand how it felt. Emily would love to be able to throw caution to the wind and dive in, but these scars were deep, imprinted on her soul. She couldn't break the chains. She couldn't bring herself to open up to the possibility of pain. No, not a
possibility
, but an
inevitability
. Wil was a man, was he not? His eyes would wander. He would go looking for someone younger, perkier, once he grew tired of her. That's what men did. That's what they always did. And then where would she be? Alone. Broken hearted.

‘Em. Don't. I swear it. You'll never hear from me again.'

Emily sighed. ‘I've made up my mind.' Then hung the phone up. She tramped to the tree and sat down under it, her back against the trunk. Her chest was burning. No matter how much she had tried to tell herself differently over the last couple of months, she could not change how her body responded. How her defences shot up to protect her heart. And it wasn't even the fact that she had to move out to the country for him. Not entirely. No, it was as simple as not being able to accept his love, of holding her arms open and embracing his and her feelings. Of embracing him.

None of this changed the way she felt about him. She loved him so hard and the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. It was going to tear her chest open knowing that she was going to, though, because there was no other way. They'd let this go too far. She'd let this go too far.

What had she done staying on in this competition when she knew, deep down, she would never see this through. She thought if she just tried to push it aside, to the back of her mind, that it would go away, or that something would interfere and she'd never have to make the decision. But here she was, freaking out because decision time was here, and she had made the decision to leave him.

She couldn't continue to do this to Wil. She had to make it right before the show ended. Give him the opportunity, a real chance, to find love with one of the other contestants. Becky. Or Tatiana. Her stomach churned and clenched just thinking about him with them, but she had no choice. He deserved more than her. His beautiful family. His beautiful self. She couldn't keep lying to him. Couldn't keep leading him on, all of them on.

As much as she loved him, she could not take that risk. Wil needed more than that, deserved more than someone who was so utterly broken that even his love, which burned so fiercely through her cells, couldn't fix.

Chapter 39

Wil had jumped out of the shower and was dressing when Andrea texted that production would be arriving earlier than organised as there was something important to talk to him about.

Wil had no idea what could be so important that they couldn't stick to their agreed upon schedule. But he was too high to care. His sister had given birth to a beautiful baby girl in the early hours of the morning. Emily had guessed right. He had texted through photos to her earlier, but he hadn't received a reply yet. That wasn't anything unusual, Emily often had her phone switched off.

Andrea arrived with a cameraman and directed Wil into the lounge where they did their private filming most evenings. Wil took a seat on the couch, Andrea across from him. The camera started rolling.

There was a tension in the room—anticipation. Wil's stomach tightened.

‘Wil, things aren't so great with Emily.'

He sat up straighter, tensed to stand and go to her. ‘Why? What happened? Is she okay?'

Andrea shook her head. ‘No, nothing like that. We caught her last night with a second phone, which you know is against the rules.'

‘Oh please. Every contestant has a smuggled-in phone. If that's the least of your worries then you're wasting my—'

‘There's more, Wil.'

The tone of Andrea's voice made him snap his mouth shut and listen.

‘We were informed by some of the other contestants that she was sneaking out at night, making phone calls. We set up an audio recording device to uncover what exactly she was doing.'

Wil's stomach twisted. God, they'd made love where she made her phone calls. Had they captured that? ‘And?' Wil asked tentatively, not willing to give anything away at this stage.

‘And we recorded a rather upsetting conversation she had with one of her friends.'

Wil shook his head.

Andrea lifted her smartphone in the air and pressed play. Emily's skittish voice rang out.

Why does it frighten me to death?

If I didn't have to give everything up to be with him, I might be able to take the risk. If I could ensure I still held on to my apartment and my job, we might be able to make it work.

There was a brief pause; it reminded Wil he needed to breathe.

I can't do this. I can't. I'm ending it.

I've made up my mind.

Wil fell back against the couch on a long exhalation. He shook his head, then scoffed. ‘This is a joke, right?'

Andrea's expression was grim. ‘No. It's not.'

He couldn't believe it. No, he wouldn't until he spoke to Emily face-to-face.

‘We had a great night. She told me she was falling in love with … this doesn't make sense. Where … why?' He stood, rubbing his palms on his jeans. ‘I need to talk to her. Where is she?'

Andrea stood too and pressed a hand to his forearm. ‘She's on her way here.'

He flicked her away. ‘Don't,' he snarled. He would not accept her false commiserations.

Wil stormed out of the room, ripping his microphone off as he did. He pushed through the front door and stood on the porch, breathing heavily. Did she not want to be with him?

No.

She was scared, that's all.

He'd seen that fear in her. Knew it was strong. But he'd convince her otherwise. He'd calm the situation down once they talked.

As he waited for Emily to arrive, he paced the length of the porch, his footsteps sounding heavy against the timber palings.

The roar of an engine came over the hill, the crackle of sticks and rocks under tyres. Then he saw the car. He watched it, waiting, his heart beating hard and fast in his chest when it pulled up outside the house.

He raced over and opened the door. Emily wouldn't look him in the eye. Why wouldn't she look at him? His guts tightened. His throat constricted. She was dressed up in jeans and a blouse, scarf and stupid stilettos. What did that mean? He had an idea, but he couldn't contemplate it.

‘Emily?' he asked. Surprised to hear the desperation in his voice.

Her shoulders rolled back as she drew her torso higher. She finally levelled her gaze on his. Her face was expressionless. The walls were up. Emily was no longer there in her beautiful features.

‘I've decided to leave the show.'

Her words were like a punch in the guts. His chest panged with pain. ‘What? Why?'

‘You deserve happiness, Wil. You won't get that with me.'

‘What the fuck? I already have that with you. You know I do. Don't you feel the same way?'

Emily inhaled deeply and cleared her throat. ‘I can't leave my life for this farm. So, it's not worth taking this any further. It's better I go now and give you the opportunity to fall in love with one of the other contestants.'

Wil dragged in his next breaths. Anger coiled through his veins. He was aware of the cameras closing in on him, the microphone arched above his head. He snarled at Andrea. ‘Turn them off! Give me a bloody break for a moment.' He peered back at Emily. ‘You looked into my father's eyes last night, in front of my entire family, and you said you were willing to move out here to be with me. Was that a lie?'

‘At the time, no.'

‘And mere hours later you realise that it was?'

‘Yes.'

His voice cracked. ‘Fuck, Emily. You can't do this. We were happy. Weren't we?' His last question was weak, filled with confusion.

‘I'm sorry, Wil.'

He thought they had something special, yet she was willing to give it all up. Not even try to see if it would work after the show. God, this was like his ex-wife all over again—the city lights too bright. The betrayal was enormous, compounding in his heart like a sledgehammer was slamming at his chest. But to lie to his face and to his family's face with such ease. Emily was exactly like Billi—a liar, selfish, and untrustworthy. He would never be able to trust a single word that came out of her mouth. Maybe it was better if she just left. If this was what they were always going to have to deal with then he was better off without her.

‘Fine. Go! Just go, Emily. I'm done. You do whatever the hell you want. Enjoy yourself.'

He stormed away, back into the house, slamming the door behind him. As he stood in the lounge room, he rolled his head back and closed his eyes, trying to drag in some air. His chest was so tight. But most of all, his heart ached like she had taken it and stomped it with the heel of her fucking stiletto.

He lowered into a crouch, lolled his head forward and scrubbed his hands over his face. He could not believe this was happening to him again! What the hell had he done to incur this much bad luck when it came to love? Why was it impossible for someone else to love him back as much as he loved them?

He groaned out loud. Had every word out of her mouth over the last seven weeks been a complete fucking lie?

Chapter 40

Emily pushed through the door of her apartment and switched on the lights. Fifi ran to the door, meowing at her feet. She bent and patted her head.

‘Hello, darling. I missed you so much.'

Xanthi had been feeding her while she was gone. She would have to let her know she was home. Emily straightened and threw the keys on the table beside the door, missing the bowl they were intended for. As she walked through the living room, she sighed. The noise of cars, horns and people rushing outside was oppressively loud. How she was ever able to concentrate with that blaring day in day out, dumbfounded her.