Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict (12 page)

And suddenly—all too late—he could understand what the smelly creature meant by ‘great danger'.

One thing was for sure. There was no time to save the creature. It was every man—or in its case, every
mutant
—for himself.

Zack turned around, but the hideous creature grabbed his leg. ‘Don't leave me here,' it begged. ‘Help me, Zack. Help me like I helped you!'

Zack froze.

The mutant knew his name!

Z
ack stared at the mutant.

He looked into its eyes—two deep bloodshot pools of pain—and recognised their owner.

It was the Mutant Maggot Lord. Or, to be more accurate, thought Zack, what
used
to be the Mutant Maggot Lord. The mass of putrefying flesh in front of him bore little resemblance to anyone—or anything—but Zack knew those eyes.

He'd known them when they'd belonged to the Kisser—the dirty doublecrossing traitor to the bum-fighting cause. And, even after the Kisser had become the hideously deformed Mutant Maggot Lord—as a result of falling into a brown lake full of giant mutant maggots—Zack had still recognised his eyes. And Zack had looked into those eyes, for what he'd been sure was the final time, when the Mutant Maggot Lord had heroically sacrificed himself to his beloved maggots in order to allow Zack, his bum, Eleanor and the famous bum-fighting team of Mabel's Angels to escape to freedom. But what was he doing here? How was it possible that he was still alive? What had happened to this man . . . this beast . . . this . . .
mutant?

‘Zack!' yelled his bum, recovering its voice. ‘Do something!'

Zack looked up.

The bumantula was closing in fast.

Its twin cheeks wobbled sickeningly as it picked its way across its web. And its shiny black fangs glistened.

Zack reached out to the Mutant Maggot Lord and grabbed the arm that he was holding out to him. Zack pulled as hard as he could.

‘Aaaggghhh!' yelled the Mutant Maggot Lord.

Zack gasped.

He'd ripped the Mutant Maggot Lord's arm completely off his body.

‘Careful!' yelled the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘I'm still very frail, you know.'

‘What on earth happened to you?' said Zack, staring disbelievingly at the dripping arm and then at the Mutant Maggot Lord.

‘Now is hardly the time,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord, ‘but as you know, I was eaten by mutant zombie maggots who then became mutant zombie blowflies. They got sucked into the brown hole. What you don't know is that they vomited me back up when they got here. I managed to pull the pieces of myself together again—or what was left of them—and then I got stuck in this stupid web.'

‘That's awful,' said Zack, finding it impossible not to feel compassion for the former traitor. Not even a traitor deserved to be turned into a pile of zombie blowfly spew.

‘Yeah,' said Zack's bum. ‘Awful and
totally gross.'

A look of pain passed over what remained of the Mutant Maggot Lord's face.

‘Sorry,' said Zack. ‘My bum can be very rude. It doesn't mean it.'

‘Yes, I do!' said his bum.

‘Don't worry about it,' said the Mutant Maggot Lord, pointing. ‘Worry about that!'

Zack turned around.

The bumantula was close.

Too close.

T
he bumantula extended an enormous black leg towards Zack's heart. The lethal black tip shone like a spear.

Zack hit it with the only weapon he had available—the Mutant Maggot Lord's freshly amputated arm.

But it had no effect. He might as well have hit the bumantula with a stocking full of warm jelly. The arm splattered against the spider's leg and splashed all over Zack, his bum and the Mutant Maggot Lord.

‘Hey!' said the Mutant Maggot Lord. ‘That's my arm.'

‘That
was
your arm,' said Zack's bum, wiping it off itself.

‘Sorry,' said Zack.

‘Good one, Zack!' said his bum.

‘Okay, Mr Smarty Pants,' said Zack. ‘I'd like to see you do better.'

The tip of the spider's leg was only inches away from Zack's chest.

‘All right, I will!' said Zack's bum. ‘Watch this!'

Zack gasped as he watched his bum leap from his shoulder onto the bumantula's leg and use it as a bridge to get right up close to its glistening black fangs. ‘Merry Christmas!' said Zack's bum, bending over and giving the bumantula a present it would never forget.

It had an instant effect. The huge beast withdrew its legs and contracted into a tight black ball as it tried to protect itself against the disgusting fumes.

‘Phew,' said Zack, blocking his nose. ‘What
have
you been eating?'

‘You tell me!' said Zack's bum, leaping back onto his shoulder. ‘I'm just the delivery boy. Let's get out of here!'

‘Good idea,' said Zack, seizing the Mutant Maggot Lord's other arm—more gently this time. He pulled him free of the web and began climbing as quickly as he could back towards Robobum.

He could see, with a mixture of surprise and relief, that Eleanor and Ned were outside the ship busy finishing the job of cutting Robobum's legs free of the web.

‘Hurry, Zack!' said his bum. ‘It's woken up!'

Zack, heart pounding, glanced behind him.

The bumantula, apparently recovered from its gassing and far more agile on the web, was bearing down on them. Fast.

It wasn't helping that Zack was burdened with the combined weight of his bum and the Mutant Maggot Lord.

Zack looked up and saw the bumantula's fangs, like twin black tusks of death, bared and dripping with venom.

And then Zack did a strange thing.

He stopped, took what remained of his bum-fighter's certificate out of his utility belt and began folding it.

‘Are you out of your tiny bum-fighting mind, Zack?' yelled his bum. ‘Now is definitely not the time for origami.'

‘It's not origami,' said Zack, smoothing it out and holding it up for his bum to see. ‘It's a paper plane. See?'

‘Great, Zack,' said his bum, in disbelief. ‘Well, it was nice knowing you. Right up to the point where you got methane madness.'

‘I don't have methane madness,' said Zack. ‘Watch!'

Zack launched the paper plane. It flew, straight and true, right into one of the bumantula's eight brown eyes.

Once more it contracted in pain, giving Zack the crucial break he needed to reach the edge of the canyon, disentangle himself from the web and run towards Robobum.

Eleanor and Ned were just finishing cutting through the remaining strands of the web as Zack rushed up.

‘Hey, that was my job,' said Zack, panting.

‘You're telling me!' said Eleanor. ‘What were you thinking? You had one simple task and you decide to go bumantula hunting instead! What's the matter with you? And what's that?' Eleanor was pointing with one
hand at the pile of putrid flesh cradled in Zack's arms, and blocking her nose with the other.

‘An old friend,' said Zack.

‘C
lear!' said Ned, cutting through the last strand of web. ‘Everybody back inside!'

As they assembled underneath Robobum the bumantula was just reaching the edge of the canyon.

On the web it had moved fast, but on the ground it moved even faster.

‘Teleport us up, Robobum!' said Ned, staring at the rapidly advancing bumantula. ‘On the double!'

Zack felt Eleanor's hand clutch his arm tightly as the bumantula leapt at the huddled bum-fighters.

They dematerialised just in time.

Back inside Robobum, Ned wasted no time. ‘Lift-off!' he commanded.

Robobum, anticipating Ned's command, was already rising into the air.

‘You can let go,' said Zack to Eleanor, who was still holding his arm. ‘We're safe now.'

‘Oh, yes, of course,' said Eleanor, quickly releasing her grip. ‘Sorry . . .' she said.

‘It's okay,' said Zack.

‘No, it's
not
okay,' said Eleanor, getting to her feet. ‘None of this is
okay.
'

Suddenly Robobum listed steeply to one side.

Eleanor and Ned staggered backwards.

Zack looked at the screen. But it was dark. ‘What's happening?' said Zack.

‘Bumantula clinging to Robobum's exterior,' announced Robobum.

‘Full thrust!' commanded Ned.

Robobum applied full thrust.

Despite the bumantula's deadly embrace, Robobum continued to rise into the sky, although more slowly and unsteadily than before.

‘Can't you get rid of it?' said Eleanor.

‘I am doing my best,' said Robobum. ‘But this contingency was not programmed into my system.'

‘I would have thought that was true for pretty much everything on this whole mission!' said Eleanor.

‘You're right,' said Ned, ‘but our best bet is to keep rising. When we get to a high enough altitude, the bumantula will simply freeze to death.'

‘If we don't get crushed to death on the way,' said Zack's bum.

Ned shrugged. ‘Don't worry. Robobum's outer shell is made of double-strength steel. She survived a twin tyrannosore-arse attack. I don't think a bumantula—even one this big—is going to pose too much of a threat.'

‘Oh yeah?' said Eleanor, ‘then how do you explain that?'

There was a loud groaning noise. The walls of the control room were starting to warp and buckle.

‘Bumantula crushing Robobum,' announced Robobum matter-of-factly. ‘Robobum losing altitude.'

Zack could feel his stomach somewhere up around his throat.

Eleanor was right.

Things were not okay.

In fact, things could hardly get much worse.

They were dropping.

Fast.

And the walls were closing in.

R
obobum hit the ground with a sickening crunch.

Zack was thrown to the floor.

He looked up at the ceiling.

There were two large bulges. And they were getting bigger.

Zack screamed.

It could only mean one thing.

Or, rather,
two
things.

The bumantula's fangs!

Zack's mouth went dry.

If those fangs broke through, the amount of venom that would be released into the cabin would be nothing less than torrential.

And if they weren't drowned in the bumantula's venom they could look forward to being crushed to death by its powerful legs.

And if they were really lucky, Zack figured, maybe both would happen at the same time.

At least they wouldn't suffer much, he thought. But that was a small consolation. The hardest part was waiting.

‘Warning! Warning!' announced Robobum. ‘Bumantula biting and crushing Robobum. Repeat. Bumantula biting and crushing Robobum!'

‘Yeah, I think we get the picture, thanks,' said Ned gloomily as his greatest creation crumbled around him.

‘Warning! Warning!' said Robobum.

‘We
know
!' said Ned.

‘No,' said Robobum. ‘A
new
warning. Great White Bum approaching!'

‘Great!' said Eleanor. ‘This day just keeps getting better and better. I expect the entire univarse will blow up any second . . . well, we can only hope.'

Zack gulped. Eleanor's sarcasm was the last thing he—or anyone else—needed. Rivets were popping and falling around them. The fang points in the ceiling were becoming more and more clearly defined. Robobum was helpless against the bumantula and now the Great White Bum was here to finish them off.

The noise of the buckling metal was deafening.

Zack braced himself.

His bum braced itself.

Eleanor braced herself.

Ned braced himself.

The Mutant Maggot Lord tried his best to brace what little self there was left of him to brace.

And then . . .

. . . nothing.

W
ell, nothing
bad,
at least.

The noise stopped.

The bum-fighters opened their eyes. They held their breaths.

The roof stopped bulging.

Nobody dared to exhale in case the nightmare began again.

But it didn't.

In fact things got even better.

The bumantula's legs released their grip on the outside of Robobum and disappeared, revealing a sight so extraordinary and so unexpected that the bum-fighters wondered if they were suffering a collective delusion brought on by methane madness.

The Great White Bum was rescuing them!

He had prised the bumantula's powerful legs off Robobum and was now pulverising and pummelling the hapless bumantula into the ground.

‘Great White Bum destroying bumantula,' reported Robobum, quickly recovering from the near-fatal embrace.

‘He will be destroying us next if we don't get out of here fast,' said Eleanor. ‘Let's go!'

‘But the Great White Bum is my friend,' said Robobum. ‘He saved me!'

‘He is not your friend,' spat Eleanor. ‘Or anybody else's friend. He is the most evil bum in history!'

‘Who you didn't want to kill when you had the chance,' said Zack.

‘Who you
couldn't
kill when you had the chance,' said Eleanor.

‘Who at least I
tried
to kill when I had the chance,' said Zack.

‘Can you still fly, Robobum?' said Eleanor.

‘I do not know,' said Robobum. ‘I am creating a damage report now.'

‘Oh, gross,' said Zack's bum. ‘Look at that!'

Out the window they could see that the Great White Bum was pulling the bumantula's legs off one by one.

‘He is such a bully!' said Zack's bum.