Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict (10 page)

‘Heat sensors,' said Ned.

‘Yes, but how did she know we were in the stinkant nest in the first place?' said Zack's bum.

‘That, I
don't
know,' said Ned, frowning.

The explosions were getting louder. Smoke and acrid fumes filled the air.

‘Don't worry,' said Gran. ‘We'll take care of it.'

‘Yeah!' said the Flicker, cracking a rolled-up tea towel in front of him. ‘This “Robobum” will regret the day it ever messed with me.'

‘You mean
us,
' said the Forker, brandishing a large barbeque fork in his hand like a Japanese ninja sword.

‘No,' said Ned. ‘You don't understand! Robobum is our friend, not an enemy. I built her. She's a state-of-the-art bum-fighting machine in the shape of a Great White Bum!'

‘Well, good for you, Ned!' said Gran. ‘You always were a bit of a tinkerer.'

‘A bum-fighting robot!' said the Flicker, letting his towel fall to his side. ‘Now that I'd like to see!'

‘Sounds like we soon will,' said the Forker, re-holstering his fork.

The scuttling sound of the stinkants was getting louder. Zack could feel the earth trembling all around them. Robobum was not so much navigating the passages of the nest as completely destroying them.

As the glare of daylight lit up the passage outside their cave, a river of stinkants surged past the opening. A lethal river of shiny red and black abdomens, thoraxes, legs and razor-sharp jaws. All rushing to attack Robobum.

The smell was horrible, and not helped by the fact that Robobum was incinerating her attackers as she made her way towards the cave holding the bum-fighters.

Huge hissing blasts of flaming insect repellent and thick acrid smoke filled the air. As Robobum came closer, the river of stinkants began to back up and then flow into the cave chamber.

‘Everybody against the wall!' commanded Gran, as Robobum made a dramatic entrance.

The front line of stinkants reared back, snapping their jaws and squirting jets of foul-smelling juice at Robobum.

‘Stand clear, please,' said Robobum in a calm and authoritative tone. ‘Stand clear.'

But the stinkants did not stand clear. If anything, they redoubled their efforts.

‘You were warned,' explained Robobum matter-of-factly. ‘Have it your way!'

Z
ack hoped Robobum wasn't about to blast the stinkants with a burst of flaming insect repellent.

She was too close.

Everyone in the chamber would be incinerated.

But Robobum had obviously already taken that into consideration.

Instead of using fire she simply started stomping.

The stinkants in the front line didn't stand a chance.

Robobum's powerful feet smashed through their tough armour, sending their putrid payloads of hot sticky stinkant juice splattering all over the chamber.

The stinkants pushed back further.

The bum-fighters were backed up against the wall—the Forker jabbing the ants with his fork and the Flicker flicking them with his rolled-up tea towel to prevent the frenzied mass from crushing them against the rock.

But Robobum kept stomping relentlessly until all of the stinkants in the chamber had been destroyed and all the stinkants outside the chamber were too scared—or too smart—to come in.

‘Good work, Robobum!' said Ned. ‘You're a hero!'

‘Just doing the job I was programmed to do,' said Robobum.

‘But how did you defeat those tyrannosore-arses?' said Eleanor. ‘They looked like they were going to rip your fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks apart.'

‘They did not know who they were dealing with,' said Robobum. ‘I am Robobum. Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped. Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making facilities. And I am self-wiping!!'

Eleanor nodded. ‘Of course,' she said. ‘Silly me. How could I have forgotten?'

‘But how did you know we were in the stinkant nest?' said Ned.

‘I was alerted to this fact by a cute pink bum,' said Robobum. ‘It claims it was acting as your guide.'

‘I knew it wouldn't abandon us!' said Eleanor,
flashing an
I told you so
glance at Zack's bum. ‘Where is it now?'

‘It is inside my control centre,' said Robobum. ‘I couldn't have found you without it. But enough talk. I advise immediate departure. Repeat.
Immediate
departure. Reinforcements are already on their way. Prepare for teleportation.'

As Robobum said this, she beamed her teleporting light down to where the bum-fighters were standing.

‘Come on, Gran,' said Zack. ‘Step into the light.'

‘No, Zack,' said Gran, shaking her head sadly.

‘B
ut you're coming with us,' said Zack as he studied his Gran's tired face. ‘Aren't you?'

‘No,' said Gran. ‘At least, not yet. You see, we haven't finished our message to you. We'd run out of stinkant-blood paint, but with all these stinkant carcasses we've got all we need to finish the job.'

‘But it doesn't matter about the message anymore!' said Zack. ‘We already got it!'

‘That's true,' said the Forker. ‘But only because we're staying behind to finish it. If we don't finish it now, you won't be
able
to get it in the future, thus condemning the Earth to certain Bumageddon.'

‘But the nest has been destroyed!' said Zack.

‘Not all of it,' said Ned. ‘And there are still plenty of stinkants left to rebuild it.'

‘But . . .' said Zack.

‘Don't worry about us,' said the Flicker. ‘We can look after ourselves. We'll catch you up later.'

‘No, you won't,' said Zack. ‘If you stay you'll die here—all of you—we know because . . . because . . .
Ned saw your bones.
'

Gran put her hand on Zack's shoulder. ‘We all have to die sometime,' she said.

‘Yes, I know,' said Zack. ‘But not
now
! First you, then my parents and now you . . .
again
! I'll be all alone.'

‘Your parents?' said Gran, her fingers tightening on Zack's shoulder. ‘James and Judi are dead? How?'

‘They were squashed by a giant brown blob,' said Zack sadly. ‘At the start of Bumageddon. Everybody was squashed—only a few of us made it out.'

Gran looked older and frailer as she absorbed the news. Then a change passed over her face—a look of cold determination. ‘Then it's all the more important that we stay here and finish our task,' she said, hugging Zack. ‘Goodbye, Zack. And good luck. The future of the world—and your parents—depends on you.'

‘Gee, no pressure or anything,' said Zack's bum.

‘Advise immediate departure,' said Robobum. ‘I can sense reinforcements on the way. Prepare for immediate teleportation and departure.'

‘Come on, Zack!' said Eleanor, leading him into the light. ‘We have to go.'

Zack slowly let his gran go and stood in the
teleportation beam with the others. Then, just before he dematerialised, he rushed back to Gran. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the cake of soap Ned had found in the cave. ‘Here!' he said. ‘This belongs to you.'

‘Thanks, Zack,' said Gran. ‘You're a good boy.'

Zack nodded and resumed his place again under the light, tears in his eyes.

A
s they rematerialised in the safety of Robobum's control room, they were greeted by their guide bum.

‘You!' said Zack's bum.

‘I'm very glad you're all right!' said Eleanor, rushing to its side.

‘I'm very happy to see you all again,' it replied. ‘I thought I might have been too late.'

Zack's bum eyed it suspiciously. ‘How come you weren't stinkant-napped like the rest of us?' it said.

‘I'm a very light sleeper,' said the bum. ‘But even so, the stinkants were fast. By the time I realised what was happening it was all I could do to save myself.'

‘Yeah, funny that,' said Zack's bum.

The bum shot Zack's bum an angry look. ‘The real question,' it said, ‘is how come
you
fell asleep and
let the fire go out? You were on guard. It was your responsibility.'

‘I just shut my eye for a second,' said Zack's bum, shuffling its feet. ‘I was tired.'

‘We all were,' said the bum. ‘It's no excuse. You shouldn't have volunteered for guard duty if you weren't capable of staying awake.'

‘I
didn't
volunteer for guard duty,' said Zack's bum. ‘You
forced
me to do it.'

‘I didn't force you to do anything!' said the bum. ‘You could have said no.'

‘I was too tired,' said Zack's bum. ‘I didn't know what I was saying.'

‘Never mind,' said Ned. ‘What's done is done, and arguing about what
was
done won't undo it.' He turned to the guide. ‘What I want to know is how did you know about Robobum?'

‘I
didn't
,' said the bum. ‘Robobum found me. She was already looking for you. I just guided her here. All I really knew was that it would be the only way you could possibly be rescued from a stinkant nest.'

‘I'm so proud of you!' said Eleanor. ‘Well done!'

‘Yes,' said Ned. ‘Thank you.'

‘Don't thank me,' said the bum. ‘Thank Robobum.'

Zack's bum muttered something inaudible.

‘I beg your pardon?' said the bum.

‘Excuse me,' said Zack's bum, turning away and walking over to Zack.

Zack was standing in front of the screen watching his gran and the Forker and the Flicker resume their work on the wall as Robobum reversed out of the cave.

Eleanor came and stood beside him.

‘We'll never see them again, will we?' said Zack.

‘If I've learnt anything in the last twenty-four hours,' said Eleanor, ‘it's never to say “never”.'

‘But why did they
all
have to stay?' said Zack.

‘Because that's the way it happened,' said Eleanor. ‘We can't change that. Besides, if your gran's soap wasn't there we would have thought Ned Smelly was just suffering methane madness. It all fits.'

‘But we're trying to change the Great White Bum's evacuation plan,' said Zack.

‘Some things we can change, others we can't,' said Eleanor. ‘It's just the way it is.'

‘Maybe we won't be able to change the evacuation plan, either,' said Zack.

‘No,' said Eleanor. ‘And then again, maybe we will.'

R
obobum wasted no time extracting herself and her passengers from the stinkant nest.

Although the fighting was intense and at least another 30,000 unfortunate stinkants were stomped on or incinerated, Robobum eventually broke free, roaring up into the primeval dawn.

‘Next stop, Crack of Doom,' she announced.

‘No,' said Zack's bum. ‘Next stop right now! We have a passenger to drop off.'

‘What are you talking about?' said Zack. ‘You can't get off!'

‘Not
me,
' said his bum, pointing at their guide. ‘Her!'

‘Me?' said their guide. ‘What did I do?'

‘It's what you
didn't
do that's the problem,' said Zack's bum. ‘You didn't protect us from the stinkants!'

‘I tried to!' said the guide. ‘I put
you
on watch. It was
you
who fell asleep. If it's anyone's fault it's
yours.
'

‘It was all part of your evil plan!' said Zack's bum.

‘What evil plan?' said Eleanor.

‘Isn't it obvious?' said Zack's bum. ‘It's working for the stinkants. It knew I wouldn't be able to stay awake. And while I slept it told them where to find us.'

‘That's ridiculous,' said the guide. ‘I came to save you, remember?'

Zack's bum hesitated for a moment, but it was on a roll and nothing could stop it.

‘That was part of your evil plan, too,' said Zack's bum. ‘You instructed the stinkants to capture us so you could save us so we wouldn't suspect that you put them up to it.'

‘Listen to yourself!' said the guide. ‘You're talking nonsense. Why would I be working for the stinkants? And even if I was, why would I care whether you knew it was me once you were captured?'

‘I don't know!' said Zack's bum. ‘But that's exactly what I intend to find out!'

‘You're crazy,' said the guide.

‘And you're a dirty doublecrossing stinkant-bum-kissing loser with no friends!'

The guide's cheeks flushed red with anger. ‘You take that back!' it said.

‘Make me!' said Zack's bum.

‘With pleasure!' said the guide, launching itself at Zack's bum.

The two bums began scrapping on the floor—like wild dogs—in front of the stunned bum-fighters. It happened so fast that nobody had time to stop them.

Even Robobum was caught off guard. ‘Bum-fight on deck!' she announced, a little belatedly, as Zack's bum grabbed the guide in a double-handed cheek-lock and started to stretch it until it looked like it would tear in two.

‘I'll kill you!' said Zack's bum.

‘Stop it!' yelled Eleanor, throwing a bucket of cold water onto the fighting bums.

The shock made Zack's bum lose its grip and the two bums fell apart, panting heavily.

Zack immediately grabbed his bum's arm and twisted it up behind its back.

‘Ow! Ow! Ow!' it yelled. ‘Stop!'

‘Only if you promise to stop fighting,' said Zack.