Bruises of the Heart (16 page)

The first day of spring break dawned wet and rainy. Not really the kind of start I was hoping for, but maybe the rest of the time off would be nicer. I listened to Mom's mini-lecture about how to stay safe in the cabin while she was out running errands, then she finally left.

After I had showered and dressed, I admitted to myself that I was bored. If this was how the entire break was going to be, it was really going to suck. I wandered around the cabin picking up, making my bed, and doing whatever other mundane activities I could find for about an hour. When I couldn't take the silence of the cabin any longer I left a note, grabbed a book, and headed for the barn.

I pushed open the loft doors to let the cool breeze blow through, and then I settled down in the hay to read. It was so relaxing and pleasant I didn't get much reading done. I only meant to close my eyes for a moment, but the next thing I knew someone was gently shaking my shoulder and saying my name softly to wake me up. After a moment of fear I opened my eyes, remembering Will had gone on vacation.

The owner of a pair of ice-blue eyes smiled down at me. Mine was automatic.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, getting myself into a more comfortable sitting position in the hay.

"I tried up at the cabin first, but when no one answered, I figured you were down here. I was a little surprised to see you asleep, though," he said, still grinning.

"Yeah, well, everyone deserves a little nap when they're on vacation," I said, a little defensive.

"I hate to sound like a broken record, but you shouldn't be down here by yourself. What if he found you here alone?" he asked, staring at me hard.

"He's on vacation with his parents. Besides, I would be really surprised if he ever came within spitting distance of this place. He hated it in here, and I never understood why," I said, still confused by him.

"He's a city boy. I would fall over if he ever actually did any real work. You know, manual labor. I'm not sure that he even knows what that is," Noah said.

"Yeah, he's had kind of a privileged life."

"'Kind of' would be an understatement. I didn't come here to talk about him."

"Why did you come here?" I asked.

"I'm not even really sure. No, that's not true. I wanted to see you. I know I said I would wait and be patient and I swear I will try. I just wanted to see you, and
…
well, it would just be helpful to know where you're at. I know that this is really stupid to be asking you," he said by way of apology.

I reached across the small space between us and took his hand.

"To be honest, I
…
I don't trust myself right now. I thought I had something with Will, but I was just forcing myself to feel something that wasn't real. He thinks it still is, but not for me. If I thought what I had with Will was real, and then I say something to you that turns out to not be true when I get my head straight again
…
I wouldn't be able to hurt you that way. I'm sorry," I tried to explain.

He squeezed my hand, then gently pulled me into the circle of his arms and kissed me on the top of my head.

"Tori, you don't ever have to be sorry about telling me anything, even if it's something that I might not like hearing. Right now, just letting me be here with you and allowing me in your life are enough. I just needed to know a little about where you were at, is all."

"I'm sorry I can't tell you more. I think I know, but there is just that one little piece of doubt that I can't ignore right now."

"I know, and it's okay," he said, then he leaned down and kissed me on the lips so tenderly. I felt my heart stutter, almost stop, then begin banging an unsteady rhythm in my chest. I felt my arms start to twine themselves around his neck and I forced them back down, but I didn't want the kiss to end. I gripped the front of his t-shirt and tried to keep from losing myself too much.

The kiss did end, though, just as tenderly as it had begun. I leaned my forehead against Noah's chest and closed my eyes, inhaling his clean, rugged scent.

"Sorry, I just couldn't help myself," Noah said into my hair.

"It's okay," I said, still gripping his shirt with both hands.

He continued to hold me, and would have all day I'm sure, but after a few more minutes I loosened my fingers and ever so slightly pushed against him. He relaxed his hold on me to settle into the hay beside me.

"So, do you have any big plans for your vacation?" I asked him, breaking the silence.

"Other than spending as much time as you will allow me to with you? No. I have no other plans. You?"

"I was trying to plan a shopping trip with Tara, but Mom vetoed it unless she could also come. I told her Will was away on vacation, but she wouldn't budge. All I wanted was a day without someone watching over my shoulder."

"Well, to be fair, and don't get mad, no one knows for sure whether he's on vacation or not. You're just assuming he went because those were his original plans. Maybe he's just biding his time," Noah reasoned.

I glared at him, which made him start to laugh. I half-heartedly slapped at his arm, but he caught my hand and kissed it. "I love you, Tori," he said, still laughing. "I told you not to get mad."

"I know. I don't like having the flaws in my reasoning exposed. I really don't think he's going to do anything, anyway. I think if he was going to, he would have by now. He's not exactly the patient sort. Believe me," I said.

He said nothing, only gripped my hand tighter in his. When I looked at his face, I could see he had tightened his jaw and he wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear it.

"You might want to just spit it out before you hurt yourself. You won't offend me, you know," I murmured.

"It's not anything I really want to say or not say. I just don't like being reminded of what you went through, is all. Do you think we could change the subject? I don't want to spend my whole day talking about him. I'd rather talk about you, or whatever else we can think of," Noah said.

"Sure," I replied.

We spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon up in the loft of the barn. We talked about everything and nothing all at the same time. When it was time for us to leave, neither of us really wanted to go, but there wasn't another alternative at the moment.

I spent the walk back to the cabin thinking about my feelings for Noah and trying to understand them. I was also wondering if I could trust my emotions, and to an extent, Noah. I couldn't bear to leave him, but was that because I loved him or because he made me feel safe? And if it was because he made me feel safe, what was I going to feel for him when I finally felt safe everywhere without him by my side?

I was beginning to hate having all of these questions and nowhere near enough answers. If I hadn't been afraid of giving everyone within hearing distance a heart attack, I would have screamed.

And the biggest question of all
—
the one my mom had put into my head, or at least brought to the front of my mind
—
was why Noah had really broken up with me. I couldn't bring myself to ask him the real reason because I was becoming more and more certain by the day the reason I'd been given wasn't the real one.

When I entered the cabin, I encountered my mom and she definitely wasn't happy. "Have you been in the barn this whole time?" she asked.

I looked at her face and decided maybe I should have stayed in the barn. Mom's eyes were crackling with sparks while her voice was deceptively mild. I tried to find something innocuous to say to diffuse the escalating anger, but I couldn't think of anything. "I left you a note," I blurted out. It sounded weak even to my own ears.

"I got your note. It implied that you wouldn't be gone quite this long. I tried to call, but then I realized that you didn't have your phone with you. Why is that?" she asked, like a police interrogator.

"I didn't want to listen to it ring constantly."

"Then we'll get you a new number. But once that's done, I expect you to keep it with you," she said sternly.

My first impulse was to snap a salute, but I only nodded. I went and leaned against the counter opposite from where she was standing.

"I'm sorry that I'm a little short-tempered, but I was starting to get nervous. I thought you would be back by now. What were you doing down there for so long?" she asked.

"I read for a while, fell asleep, then Noah showed up and we talked for
—
well, the rest of the day," I said.

If I hadn't been watching her face carefully, I would have missed seeing her eyebrows shoot up and then back down again. I smiled to myself, knowing what she was thinking. "Don't worry, Mom. I'm not jumping into anything, and before I do get involved with Noah again
—
if I get involved with him
—
I'm going to ask why he broke up with me first. As much as it pains me to admit it, you were right. I do need to know why or it's going to bug me to no end."

She just harrumphed, then turned to the counter and started making dinner. I went to my room and actually turned my cell phone on to check the messages. I immediately deleted any from Will, which was most of them. A few were from Mom today, and one from Tara that I wanted to hear.

I listened to her go on and on about the latest couple fight that had take place between two of our friends. She wasn't sure yet whether they were going to break up, but it had happened in front of a bunch of people the night before in Riverside. As she was wrapping her story up, my phone beeped and I looked to see who was trying to call me. My stomach dropped to my toes and my mouth went dry. Will's number and name were there on my phone.

I didn't know what to do. I'd thought since he was on vacation with his family he wouldn't call me, or at least he wouldn't try to call until he was back. I turned my phone off and then put it in my bedside table at the very back. I couldn't wait to get a new number.

I went back out to the kitchen and decided to help Mom finish cooking dinner. "What are you and Noah talking about these days?" she asked after a few minutes.

"Not much, really. He doesn't think I should be alone in the barn, but I would fall over if Will ever showed up there. He never liked it down there. He never liked it anywhere here, really. At least Noah likes it here," I responded.

"It sounds like you've already made a decision about how you feel about Noah."

"Yeah
…
I'm scared, though. Am I just falling back into what's comfortable, or do I love him? It's all just very confusing," I whined a little.

"Oh, honey, life is full of confusing moments." Mom half laughed at me. "You just have to try and make the best decisions you can. It might not turn out the way you want it to, but there's no way to know that now."

"Yeah, I guess so."

The next morning, after driving into Riverside and getting a new number for my phone, my mom dropped me back off at the cabin. I grabbed my book and headed down to the barn. After calling Tara and giving her my new number, I sat undecided about whether to call Noah and give it to him. I had been plagued by doubts all night, but I kept coming back to the fact Noah made me happy. He made me feel safe, but I decided happy was more important.

Then why was I hesitating so much to call him? Was I fooling myself about my feelings, or was this another example of my mind working overtime? It was very difficult for me to shut my brain off long enough to listen to my heart. Of course, that might not even be possible. My heart and mind were like two halves of a whole.

I smiled to myself at the thought. Noah and I had always felt like two halves of something much bigger that had just fit together. It had been so natural and effortless I had never really given it much thought until now.

Staring at my phone wasn't giving me any answers, so I decided to make a leap of faith, hoping everything Noah had said was true and I wasn't going to get hurt again. I punched in his number and waited for him to answer, and was very surprised to hear a phone ring from below me at the same time, which elicited a squeak from me.

Noah chuckled, then I heard him climbing up the ladder to the loft. My heart started slamming inside my chest and I was suddenly nervous, but didn't know why. When his head appeared over the edge of the loft, I stopped breathing.

All of the emotions I had buried so deep and locked away came flooding back when his sparkling, ice-blue eyes found me in the dimness of the loft. His dazzling smile came next, and the elation of having those feelings again carried me forward a few steps with a smile so big that it almost hurt. But then the feelings of hurt and betrayal landed so heavily on my heart they threatened to crush me where I stood.

As these emotions and memories, still raw from being locked away, rolled though me like a tidal wave, Noah had finished his climb. I watched as his facial expressions changed with my own. He'd looked so happy, then when he saw those raw emotions hit me like a semi, he stopped and looked confused and uncertain.

Noah took another step toward me and reached out both of his hands, palms up. "Tori? What's wrong?" he asked, obviously concerned.