He’s right. I know he is, but that doesn’t mean the thought of leaving here is easy. If we get to the shop and Axl isn’t there, I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to walk out the front door, let alone pedal a bike to Atlanta.
Angus’s eyes meet mine, and in them, I can see the same conflict I’m going through. “We gotta,” he says gently. “We got other things to worry ‘bout now. We made a commitment to get to Atlanta and to keep that baby alive. We gotta follow through.”
“You’re right,” I whisper even though the words feel like a betrayal. “We need to go.”
Joshua nods, and a second later, he’s running for the kitchen. I follow, my hands shaking like crazy and my legs not much better. Angus grabs my arm when I’m passing him, helping me to the kitchen like he’s afraid I’m going to collapse. I feel like I might, with the way my limbs are trembling and as hard as my heart is pounding.
But I know I can’t, so I force myself to move. To pull my arm from Angus’s grasp and take the bag Joshua holds out to me. I sling it over my shoulder, careful not to disturb Megan. At my side, the men grab the rest of our gear, and then what feels like a split second later, we’re at the door and moving into the yard. We all have knives out, and Angus keeps close to my side while Joshua takes the lead. Something he never does, but right now he knows he has to. Angus has been our priority since we left the walls of Hope Springs, and that hasn’t changed.
We’re quiet when we open the gate, pausing to look around before stepping out. The coast is clear, or seems to be, at least. There are no zombies in sight, and the air is fresh. We follow the directions Parvarti gave us, heading through the alley between the houses, then across the street. We pause what seems like every two steps, checking around corners or listening to make sure the way is still clear. There’s nothing around, though.
“Should be just at the end of this street,” Angus says, stopping in the shadow of a couple bushes.
“What do we do if they aren’t waiting for us?” I whisper.
Angus looks back, but his gaze only holds mine for a second before he’s once again checking the street. “They’ll be.”
When did Angus become the optimistic one?
I nod and suck in a deep breath.
“Looks clear,” Joshua says.
“Yup.” Angus tightens his grip on his knife. “We go.”
Joshua doesn’t hesitate when he steps out from behind the bushes. Angus and I follow, keeping close to the doctor as we move down the street. Businesses line the road, but most of them have been broken into. Glass covers the pavement, crunching under our shoes as we hurry down the street. I keep one hand on Megan’s head and the other curled around my knife. My eyes move as quickly as my feet, scanning every corner and alley we pass. Looking into every store, searching for trouble. The place is a ghost town, though. So deserted you’d never know zombies had been stumbling up and down this street only an hour earlier.
“There,” Angus hisses, picking up speed.
I do the same even though my calves already ache from days of walking and I know I need to conserve energy. Axl and Parv should be there, and I don’t know if I can wait a second longer to find out if they made it.
Just like all the other stores, the front window of the bike shop has been smashed out, making it easy to get inside. Joshua goes first, then Angus, who turns and helps me over the glass even though I don’t really need it. The store is pitch black, and bikes line the walls, with five sitting in the middle of the room. Waiting for us. On the floor next to them is a small handheld pump and a couple boxes that look like extra tubes for tires, but other than that, the store is empty.
“They aren’t here,” I say, leaning against Angus when my knees wobble.
His arm goes around my waist and he eases the pack off my shoulder, but he doesn’t say anything.
“We wait,” Joshua says firmly.
Even though I’m glad he’s not ready to ride off—because I can’t leave right now—I know we won’t be able to wait long.
“Ten minutes,” Angus says even though Axl told us five. “That’s all we can do.”
He has to be kidding himself if he thinks I’m leaving this store in ten minutes. I can’t. I won’t make it down the street. “You’ll have to leave me.”
Angus grabs my chin and forces me to look up, his gray eyes holding mine. “No. You’ll go and you’ll ride and you won’t give up ‘til we’re in Atlanta. That’s what you gotta do. Don’t matter how hard it is, that’s what’s gotta be done, ‘cause I ain’t gonna stand by while you give up like Winston. You’re stronger than that, Blondie, and we both know it.”
Damn, I hate it when Angus is right. He is. I can’t see myself giving up the way Winston did, and even though it hurts and even though I don’t know how I’m going to find enough energy to ride out of here, I know I will. It isn’t in me to not try, and no matter how much every pump of my legs is going to hurt, I know I have to go.
“Ten minutes,” I say.
Angus nods once, then lets go of my chin. I’m frozen as he and Joshua move about the room, packing away the few supplies we’ll need for the ride. Checking the bikes over. Time passes, and even though we don’t have a clock, I know when ten minutes has gone by. Even if Angus didn’t look like someone just ran off with his wife, I’d know.
“This here’ll be your bike,” Angus says, pushing the bike my way. “We can’t wait.”
I nod, feeling slightly numb, and before I even realize it, the handlebars are in my hand. Then, in the blink of an eye, I’m following Joshua and Angus to the door. We push the bikes outside, and I find myself climbing on, feeling even more numb than before and a little bit like I’m watching myself from above.
The streets are still clear and the sun is brighter than it has any business being, and in the distance, the cloud of smoke has grown darker and bigger. The whole house must be on fire now, and possibly the one next to it. Soon the fire will spread, moving from street to street until this whole town is engulfed in flames. Taking with it every trace that anyone ever lived here. Every house and memory left behind, every zombie and probably even the bodies of Parv and Axl. Then there will be nothing but rubble.
“Let’s go,” Angus says, his voice firm and authoritative and slightly broken.
He and Joshua start pedaling down the street, and somehow I find that I’m right behind them. My legs moving up and down as my hands squeeze the rubber grips until I’m sure my bones will break from the effort.
24
WE MAKE IT out of town before the tears start. At first it’s just enough to fill my eyes and make the road in front of me fuzzy. I blink the tears back, but seconds later, my vision is cloudy again. This time when I blink, there’s no stopping it. A tear slides down my right cheek and another down my left. One after the other after the other they fall. Then I’m gasping as sobs shake my body, and the bike is wobbling underneath me. Inside, I’m being ripped apart. Piece by piece until every inch of me aches and I feel like screaming, only I can’t because I can’t catch my breath. And I can’t stop crying. I don’t think I ever will.
“I.” Hiccup. “Have to.” Hiccup. “Stop.”
I stop peddling, and my bike hits the ground as I stumble off it, holding Megan against me while also trying to hold myself together. In the distance, the town is no longer visible, but the smoke still is. It’s gotten bigger. Darker. More ominous.
“Vivian.” Angus’s hands are on my shoulders, turning me around, but I don’t want him to. I don’t want to look ahead. Not if it means putting Axl behind me.
“No,” I say, trying to shove him off. Trying to stop him from comforting me.
“Come here.”
Angus, the asshole who hit me the first day we were together, wraps his arms around me. Hugs me. Holds me as I sob into his chest. The little baby between us squirms, a constant reminder of why I need to go on even though all I want to do is drop down in the middle of the street and never get up again.
“This isn’t what was supposed to happen,” I sob into Angus’s chest. “This wasn’t the plan. God, I feel like I’m dying. I have to be. Don’t I? I can’t be in this much pain and still be alive. It’s not possible!”
“None of this was supposed to happen,” Angus whispers. “But it did, and now we gotta keep on keepin’ on.”
“How?” I shake my head, rubbing my tear-stained face against his chest. “How is that even possible? How do you do it? Don’t you want to give up? When she died, didn’t you think it was going to destroy you?”
Angus pulls back, and the tears streaming down his cheeks match my own. So does the pain and loss in his eyes. “We just gotta look ahead. That’s it. It hurts and it don’t ever go away, but we can do it. We can move on.”
I want to call his bullshit, but I can’t. He’s done it. All these months since Darla died, he’s been going on despite the pain. He hasn’t given up, and I can’t either. If Angus can do it, so can I. It doesn’t matter if every second of every day hurts, I will move forward.
“Wait,” Joshua says from behind me. “I think…yes. They’re coming. They’re coming!”
My heart goes crazy, and I spin around, one hand automatically going for my knife while the other goes to Megan. I half expect a horde of dozens of zombies, but that isn’t what’s heading our way. There are two figures. Just two. And they’re riding bikes.
“They made it,” I say, the knife falling from my hand as my heartbeat transforms from a pounding fear to a soaring thump.
I want to run, but I can’t, so I settle for stumbling. Down the center of the street, trying to close the distance between Axl and me so he’s in my arms sooner. So I can see him and look him over and know he’s in one piece. So he can ease the ache moving through me and make me whole again. Because he’s the only thing that can do that.
They get closer, and their smiles tell me they’re fine before I even get a chance to look them over. When they’re still five feet away, Axl stops riding and practically jumps from his bike. Then he’s running toward me. When he throws his arms around me, he’s careful not to crush Megan, but the baby doesn’t keep him from slamming his lips into mine. And just like that I’m crying again, only these tears are here to wash the other ones away.
“I thought you were dead,” I say against his lips. “I thought I would never see you again.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m so sorry. We got caught and couldn’t make it out right away.”
“We left.” I step back and wipe the tears from my eyes so I can get a better look at him. “I should have waited longer. I shouldn’t have given up so fast.”
“No,” Axl says firmly. “You did the right thing. It’s what I told you to do.”
I nod even though I don’t agree. It feels like I gave up too fast. Ran out on him when I should have waited. Should have known he’d never leave me.
“You scared the shit outta me,” Angus says from behind me.
Axl lets me go long enough to give his brother a hug, then does the same for Joshua. Parv too has gotten off her bike, and I go over to hug her. I don’t even care if she doesn’t like it. I’m just so glad to see them both.
Angus lets out a chuckle. “Now that I had my heart attack for the day, I say we get ridin’. We got a lotta ground to cover before dark.”
“Right,” Axl says, letting out a deep breath as he turns to face me. “Hand over that bag. I’ll carry it.”
I slip the bag off my back, handing it to Axl. His eyes hold mine the whole time. The pain of thinking he was gone is still present. I’ll never be able to forget how I felt when I thought I’d lost him.
“Let’s get a move on,” I say, forcing myself to move away from Axl.
At first, pedaling is automatic. My legs move up and down like they have a mind of their own, and I’m able to think about the future and what life will be like in Atlanta when we finally make it. But after just a couple hours, the ache in my thighs and calves makes the movement more difficult, and thinking becomes impossible. Pumping my legs is the only thing I can focus on. Up. Down. Up. Down. Over and over again until it feels like they weigh ten times more than they actually do and the ache in my muscles turns into a burn.
By the time we stop to feed Megan and take a break, my body is weak and shaky. I’m not the only one struggling, either.
“There has to be a car or something around here,” I say, pulling to a stop next to Axl. “I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this.”
Parvarti nods. “As close as we are, we might only need one gallon of gas to get us to Atlanta.”
My bike falls, and Axl has to reach out to steady me. It’s a good thing, because once I’m on my feet, I realize I’m even more unstable than I thought I was.
“How long have we been riding?” I ask as Axl helps me ease to the ground.
“A couple hours,” Joshua says.
“How much farther?” Parv asks this time.
If I wasn’t so tired, I’d find the whiny tone in her voice amusing. After all these months of her robotic attitude, it’s shocking to hear her complain. I’m too exhausted to laugh, though.
“I hate to bitch like a woman,” Angus says, dropping to the grass at my side. “But I’m with them. Walkin’ is easier. Least then my ass ain’t sore.”
Axl exhales and drops his backpack to the ground. Even though Joshua looks like he’s ready to fall over, he unzips the bag and starts digging through it while I untie the sling. Regardless of how tired we all are, Megan needs a new diaper and a bottle. If she starts crying, we could draw hundreds of zombies our way.
I lay Megan in the grass so I can change her, and the baby starts to squirm and whimper. Angus is up in seconds, his knife out and his eyes moving across the area. Everything seems quiet, but we never can predict what might be lurking in the distance.
“We’ll go take a look ‘round after she’s quieted down,” Axl says, pulling out his own knife and mimicking his brother’s stance.
I make little soothing noises to the baby while I change her diaper, and at my side, Joshua mixes a bottle. Parv produces a pacifier from somewhere, and seconds later, Megan is silently sucking on the thing. It doesn’t last long, though. Once she realizes she isn’t getting anything from it, she spits it out and starts wailing for real.
“Hurry,” Angus hisses.
My hands are shaking now, but I force myself to stay focused on the baby even though it goes against every one of my instincts not to look around for trouble. Megan. I need to take care of Megan so she stops crying. She’s hungry, and taking care of that need is the only thing that will keep her quiet.
I secure the tabs on the diaper, then scoop the screaming baby up. Joshua has the nipple in her mouth a second after that, and like magic the crying stops. The tension doesn’t ease right away, though. We’re all still searching the surrounding trees. Waiting to see if we drew any unwanted attention our way.
After a minute, I finally allow myself to relax. “Nothing’s around.”
“Yeah.” Axl too lets out a sigh of relief. “We gotta get to Atlanta.”
“Let’s go,” Parv says. “We’ll take a quick look around. There has to be something.”
Axl nods, his eyes on Megan and me as Parv gets to her feet. “We’ll be fast.”
“And careful,” I remind him.
“Always,” he says as he and Parv turn to leave.
The two head off, and I do everything in my power to focus on Megan so I don’t have to think about how I felt earlier when I thought I’d lost Axl for good. The ache inside me hasn’t eased completely, and to be honest it probably never will. It’s like it has been tattooed on my insides. A reminder that all of this could come crumbling down in the blink of an eye.
“They’ll find something,” Angus says. “They gotta.”
Joshua just nods.
It’s like a repeat of this morning. Joshua, Angus, and me silently waiting for the others to return. None of us pointing out all the things that could go wrong.
After days of total silence, the sound of a car engine is so foreign that I have to fight the urge to run and hide. But it only takes me a second to realize the sound—although startling—is a good thing. It means Axl and Parv found a car. It means that if all goes well, we could be inside the walls of Atlanta within twenty minutes. That’s all. Just a short drive and we’ll be safe.
Joshua is up first. He leaves the relative safety of the bushes so he can get a better look down the street.
“That them?” Angus calls from next to me.
“Someone is heading this way,” Joshua says.
Angus drags himself to his feet. “Better be ready just in case.”
I slip Megan back into the sling, tightening the fabric around her body until she feels secure. She’s sound asleep and barely moves.
“It’s them!” Joshua calls a second after I’ve secured the knot.
“Thank God,” Angus mutters as he shoves his knife back into its sheath. “My ass can’t take any more ridin’. I got a newfound respect for them fruits that used to ride ‘round in bright colored spandex.”
I laugh. “It seems like you have a newfound respect for almost everything.”
“Almost.” Angus snorts.
A van comes into view, and the sight of it makes me want to jump for joy. It’s old and rusty and the engine sounds like it isn’t sure it wants to keep moving, but since we only need it to drive twenty miles, I’m sure it’s going to be okay. It has to be. After everything else we’ve gone through, we deserve a break.
Axl pulls to a stop right in front of us, grinning when he throws the door open. “We’re gonna make it.”
“Shit,” Angus says. “We was always gonna make it. Now we’re just gonna make it faster.”
“What are we waiting for?” I say, heading for the open door of the van. All ready to relax and enjoy the last little bit of road between Atlanta and us. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”
“We got much gas?” Angus asks as he climbs inside.
“Couple gallons. I expect the gaslight to come on soon, but the manual said this thing can go thirty miles after that. So we’re gonna be alright.”
Angus nods as he climbs into the back, and I’m right behind him. The interior smells like dirty gym shoes and the seats are covered in stains, but I don’t care as long as we don’t have to walk or ride a bike.
Joshua joins Angus and me in the back, shutting the door behind him, and Parv climbs into the front. Axl glances back, shooting me a quick smile before he throws the car in gear. Then we’re moving, and I’m grinning, barely able to contain my excitement. Before we know it, we’ll be in Atlanta, and we won’t have to worry so much. Things will be easier. Safer. We’ll have a home.
I was pretty sure it was never going to happen for real.