Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) (20 page)

She stepped inside and saw a light coming from his bathroom. There was a weird mumbling just beyond it.

Against Deryn's better judgment, she walked on, stopping as she reached the doorway and gasping at what she saw.

Xander was inside at the sink, scrubbing vigorously at his hands. The water swirling around the bottom of the basin was blood-red. "Won't fucking come off ... Won't ... fucking ... come ... OFF!"

Deryn ran over. "Ruby, what happened? Are you alright?"

"No," he said, moving away from her. "Not fucking alright."

"Are you hurt?" she asked, grabbing his hand and turning it all around, looking for some sort of gash.

"Not mine."

"What?" Deryn's eyes shot up and met his. More blood was smeared on his cheeks.

"It's not fucking mine!" he said, pulling his hand away. "Get out of here, Leon!"

"Ruby, what -" She tried to grab his arm but he pushed her off again.

"Don't! I just want to get it off!" He rubbed his hands violently against a bar of soap. "But it won't ... Fucking. Come. Off!"

"Let me help you!" Deryn tried to grab the soap but he pulled it away from her.

"No! Get out! I don't want you to fucking see!"

"But I've already seen! Ruby, please -"

"No ... no ... no!" He pushed her away again, this time a little bit harder.

Deryn's eyes went wide as she stumbled backwards. "Don't push me!" she shouted, pushing him back.

Unprepared, Xander went flying into the wall and used it to slide to the floor. He brought his raw hands up to his eyes and cried into them.

With a sigh Deryn grabbed a washcloth, wet it under the running tap and lathered some soap into it. She turned off the water and took a seat beside him.

He glanced at her and she took this moment to grab his face and hold it still, using the washcloth to wipe it clean of blood.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked, keeping his eyes steadily fixed on her.

“I don't know. But you've helped me during my weak moments, haven't you?"

"I'm not weak -"

"It's alright to admit it. We all are sometimes."

Xander's eyes clenched shut. "Fine, I'm weak. I'm a fucking coward," he said, his voice cracking in agony. "Is that what you want to hear?"

"No," she said honestly. "I'd rather hear that this is Saevus's blood and the war against the Outsiders is over."

"It's not."

"I figured. Hands."

Xander held out his hands and let her use the washcloth to scrub them. "You'd hate me if you knew whose blood this is."

"Is it my dad's?"

"No."

"My brother's?"

"No."

"Dakota's? Or anyone else I was close to?"

"No."

"Then I don't hate you," she said, taking the time to really scrub underneath his fingernails. "You've done too much for me to dismiss you like that." She stopped scrubbing and looked at him. "So whose is it?"

Xander gulped and looked down at the hands she was still holding. He couldn't look at her as he said it. "That woman's. The one who gave you the knife."

"Oh," said Deryn softly. "You found her." She closed her eyes. Damn.

"Elvira put the pieces together. She tortured her, and then she made me do the dirty work. She always does. She's determined to break me."

"But she hasn't." Deryn began scrubbing again.

"Not yet," he said. "That woman ... she told me my soul was different. That she could read it and it was good." Xander felt Deryn's hands tremble in his. "She told me it was alright, and to do what I must."

Deryn stopped and put the washcloth down. Now she was looking at him with nothing to distract her. Just her and him. Xander tensed as he realized this.

"She looked me directly in the eye and told me it was alright to kill her, Leon. I don't know what I'm fucking supposed to do with that." He brought one of his hands back up to his eyes and wiped the tears that were still falling. "I just don't fucking know. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Does it make it okay?"

"No," she said in a dry voice.

"I know! I fucking know! But it's all I have! It's all I fucking have and I don't know what to do!"

"There's nothing you can do. She's already gone."

"She said she wasn't afraid," he went on. "She knew she was going to die and she wasn't afraid. But me ... every day I wake up fearing that it's my last. I could never not be afraid."

Xander wasn't looking, but he suddenly felt Deryn's hand slip into his. He stopped rubbing his eyes and turned to her. She looked at him without fear and smiled softly.

"I'm afraid, too.”

They gazed at each other for a long time, neither flinching as they realized this was the closest they had ever gotten to really understanding one another. Deryn had been eager to get into Xander's head for a long time, and now she felt like she might actually be there.

He was afraid. Just like her. But, being born into a family of Guardians, he was forced down one path while she, being born an Outsider, was forced down another. Neither was easy, and both left their souls in tattered messes, even if they were good. Knowing that if you didn't murder someone you would lose your life ... there was no winning for a Guardian with a sense of right and wrong.

Deryn gave Xander's hand a squeeze.

Mesmerized by the faint upturn of her lips, Xander reached forward and touched her cheek. He cupped it in his palm and stroked it with his thumb, tracing the faint scars that still lingered there. Their eyes were still locked, neither of them breathing as their hearts started beating unbelievably fast. It had been years since either of their minds had felt so incredibly at ease.

Without another thought, Xander leaned forward and delicately brushed his lips against hers. He kept his eyes open, staring deeply into her green irises as she slowly began to respond.

And then he was on her, holding her face between his hands as he kissed her zealously, slipping his tongue into her mouth only to be met with a matched enthusiasm.

Her hands clutched the sides of his sweater. Xander could tell she didn't know what she was doing, so he helped her by pulling it over his head. Then he took her hands and pressed them to his bare chest. He wanted to feel her. He wanted her to feel him.

Deryn gazed dazedly at his chest for a moment, stroking her hands across the perfect, porcelain skin that was untouched by sun, not stopping until her right hand was directly above his heart. Her fingers trembled as she felt the beating of it. It was so real. More real than anything she had ever felt before.

She looked at him and gulped.

Xander wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her towards him, kissing her passionately as he lowered them to the floor.

"Ruby ..." he heard her moan as he moved his lips over to her ear, nibbling down her neck and towards her collarbone. His hands were tangled somewhere in her sweater, touching every inch of skin he could find. It felt so natural. So pure. So ...

"Fucking beautiful."

Xander didn't know how long he had wanted this, but these feelings of his weren't new. They had been there.

His lips moved back to hers and their tongues tangled once more. He brought up his left hand and stroked it through her hair.

"Ruby ..." she moaned again as he kissed down her jaw. She turned her head to the side to give him better access, opening her eyes for just a moment, but a moment was all she needed to come face-to-face with Saevus's crest imprinted on his left wristband. "Ruby!" she shouted suddenly. "Ruby, stop! Stop!"

Deryn pushed his chest. Xander pulled back, looking confused. It was a moment before his eyes finally moved to his wrist, still resting beside her head.

Deryn was crying, her eyes closed tightly as she lay there trembling, her head turned in the opposite direction.

"Leon ..."

"Please, just stop," she said with a whimper.

Xander's eyes hardened. "I'm not fucking raping you."

Deryn's eyes shot back open. She turned and stared at his cold face. "I ... I know."

"Do you?" he said, stumbling to his feet. "Because it doesn't fucking look that way. I mean ...
Fuck
!"

Xander went into his bedroom and rummaged through his drawers for some clothes. After putting on a clean shirt, he noticed Deryn watching him from the doorway.

"Where are you going?" she asked as he pushed past her to get back in the bathroom.

"Finley invited me to stay over tonight," he said before turning on the sink and splashing his face several times. "And I'm taking her up on her offer."

Deryn's heart stopped at the sound of
her
name. "Ruby, I'm sorry, I just -"

"I really don't fucking care, Leon." Xander grabbed a towel and used it to dry his hands and face. "What happened just now ... that was a mistake. A mistake we will never make again. Do you understand?"

Deryn's bottom lip quivered as she slowly nodded yes.

"Good. Glad we're on the same page."

"But do you have to leave right now?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't feel like being alone right now, alright?" he snapped. "Simple as that."

He wasn't alone.

"But ... you want to be with
her
?" spat Deryn.

"Your enemies and mine are not the same, Leon. Never forget that."

Not wanting him to see her cry again, Deryn ran out of there and to her own room, making sure to slam the door behind her.

Deryn stood against her door, listening as Xander left his room and then the apartment. There was a strange pang in her heart as she heard the front door shut that she didn't quite understand.

And then she realized. Maybe the problem was that she didn't want to be alone either. For five years she had been nothing but alone. But then, just now, lying on Xander's bathroom floor ... kissing him ... touching him ... holding him for those few moments ... that was the closest she had been to an actual connection with someone in a long time. And even though the ending was hardly ideal, she found herself craving more. More of
him
.

Lying on her bed, Deryn was suddenly aware that she wanted Xander to come back. Right now and without some random girl. Or, worse, Finley. Someone who she could not even think about without feeling the pain burning in the scars Finley had left behind. Back when her father had owned Deryn.

She sobbed into her pillow as her poor heart ached. Finley didn't deserve to be in Xander's arms. But she did. After the hell she had lived through, she certainly deserved some form of happiness. Even if it was just for a moment.

More than anything, Deryn wanted to hold him again. To touch him. To feel his lips pressed against hers. If only for the night, she didn't care.

What was happening to her? What was this horrible pain she was feeling?

"Not him," she whispered into her pillow. "Please, anyone but him. He has his eyes."

But they were not his eyes. They were a shade lighter with a gold ring around the pupil. And those eyes ... Xander's eyes had gazed at her tonight in a way that no man's ever had before.

"Not him," she repeated into the still of the night. Only, this time, she meant it differently. He was not him. Xander Ruby was not his father.

But that night when Deryn cried out from her horrible nightmares, heavy with memories of Atticus's eyes, for the first time in a long time Xander's lighter ones were not there to wake her. And she hated that.

Deryn let out a frustrated growl as she aimed her Element at Bronson, swiftly pressing a button for wind that sent him flying backwards at an incredible speed.

After a hard land on his ass, he jumped back to his feet. "The hell, Deryn? Calm down -"

She moved her fingers and pressed a button just below the wind, causing the earth to shake underneath the closest object, which was Bronson. He fell back on his ass.

"Okay, okay! You're the clear victor!"

Another button. Two strings of blue light shot out and wound tightly around his arms and legs.

"Deryn!" he screamed as he tried to stand again, which proved to be quite difficult with his ankles tied together. "Uncle! Uncle! Please, just take a breather and set me free!"

Deryn stared at him with hard, flaming eyes for a moment, weapon still pointed fervently. Then, in a quick flash, her eyes softened and her mouth fell. "Oh, god. Bronson, I'm sorry. I must've forgotten where I was for a moment."

"You don't say?"

Deryn didn't move.

"Uhh ... you gonna undo this now?" He lifted his tied hands.

"Oh! Right!" She aimed her Element and pressed the reverse button. The blue light disappeared. Bronson was just happy she had gotten so good at using that thing. One wrong button and he could be blown to oblivion.