Authors: Monica Alexander
“I guess I just panicked when I saw your piercing,” she said. “Because you
’re
my good child. You never did anything radical
while you were growing up
, and I was afraid that you
were losing sight of who you a
re. You already seemed so volatile that I
figured the piercing
was just another way that you were acting out, and honestly,
I felt
it was a little immature.”
“Mom, I didn’t do it to act out,
I did it because I think it looks pretty,
but this is what I’m talking about. There this image of me that everyone has, and I feel
like if I don’t live up to them
, then I’m failing, and it’s gotten really exhausting to keep up with what everyone else wants.
I think I just hit my breaking point, and didn’t know how to deal with it.”
“Emily, we’ve always been able to talk. Why didn’t you tell me what you were going through?”
“Because
I know
you love that
I’m
disciplined
and that I’m so involved at
school and that I’m dating Ben, so how could I
tell you that I maybe didn’t want
do those things anymore. How could I even think about disappointing you?
”
“Honey, none of that means anyt
hing to me if you’re not happy.
Are you not happy with your life?
”
I shrugged.
“You’re not dropping out of school, are you?” she asked, suddenly panicked that I was taking things to an extreme she couldn’t handle.
“No!” I said quickly, eager to erase the look of horror on her face. “
I
’ve
just
sort of found myself not really being able to
get excited about the same things anymore. I still really like school and my program, but I mean how many more socials and woodsers can I really go to?
Is being on the homecoming planning committee all that important?
I realized this summer that there’s this whole other world out there that doesn’t care about how many friends you have or who you’re dating
or which G
reek organization you belong to
.”
She nodded, as if she
was well-aware of that fact.
“There are really amazing people that I’ve met who don’t fit that stereotype, and I’ve found that I sort of fit in better with them, you know.”
“Like your brother,” she said.
I nodded.
“Yeah, I would lump Chase into that category.”
“Honey, I know better than anyone that you and Chase are different people, but I also know that he w
as your best friend for years.
It hurt me to see the two of you so separated, and it’s pleased me so much to see that you’ve bec
ome friends again this summer.
I do
n’t care if you’re a
Gamma Pi
or
if you don’t want to be involved in student government or
that you don’t want to date Ben anymore, because all I want is for you to be happy with wha
tever you choose for yourself.
I want you to be a
good person and above all else
, graduate and get a job doing something you love
.
Just d
on’t discount your family.
We’re the people who will stick by you no matter what.”
I realized
then that she was right.
Chase had subtly been there for me, even
when we weren’t friends, my whole life
. It was what family did.
I also realized how much I’d hurt my mother when I’d been acting
out and taking it out on her.
All I had to do was tell her how I was feelin
g and things
would have been fine.
“I broke up with Ben,” I said quietly.
“
You did,
” she said,
no judgment entering into her voice.
I nodded and
s
tarted to tell her about Zack
, although I knew I hadn’t broken up with Ben for Zack. I’d broken with Ben because it was the right thing to do. Zack was just an added bonus – someone sweet and fun and different that I could hang out with during my summer vacation.
Still,
I could feel the smile creeping up on my face as I spoke of him
, telling my mom about
his situation and all
the things I liked about him.
I carefully omitted the fact that I’d ridden on his motorcyc
le or that I’d slept with him. She was my mother, after all. S
he didn’t need to know all the details
of my life
, but it felt good to talk to her again
.
From Zack, we talked about other things like we used to do all the time
, and
I realized how long it had been si
nce we’d had one of our talks.
If I thought about it, I knew it had been a fe
w months
. I
’d slowly been shutting her
out
, and
I was glad to get that
part of my life back, not r
ealizing how much I’d missed it.
“I broke up with my boyfriend,” I
blurted out as soon as I saw Zack
two days later
.
I’d called to see if
he wanted to go to the beach, and
we’d met up halfway between our houses.
He looked sort of surprised
and a little confused
.
“
You did?
”
It was n
ot the reaction I’d hoped for.
I nodded my head quickly, feeling apprehensive
all of a sudden
that I’d read
more
into what was going on between us
than
what
was really there
.
I’d figured we’d be more than just a one night stand when he agreed to hang out that day, but maybe I was wrong.
“Wow,” he said, running his hands through his hair. I could tell by the look on his face he wasn’t exa
ctly thrilled with my
announcement
. In fact, he looked a little pale.
“Look,” I sa
id, taking the upper
hand
in an effort to keep him from bolting
, “it had
been
a long-time coming
.
I think I
just needed the push to do it.
We were toge
ther for five
years, and we were staying together for all the wrong reasons
.
I just didn’t want to hurt him, but I knew I couldn’t very well stay with him after I . . . I mean we . . . you know . . . slept together.
Zack
nodded
but still looked a little like he might throw up.
“I’m not looking for anything serious, okay?”
I said
, putting my hand on his forearm
and immediately regretting it when
h
e tensed up, so I pulled it back
. I’d just wanted to
reassure h
im that I wasn’t
expecting a commitment from him
, but I think I
succeeded in freaking
him out more
.
“You’re not?” he
asked, and I could tell he didn’t fully believe me.
“Zack,” I said, cros
sing my arms across my chest, “l
et’s be realistic.
I live in Chapel Hill, and you live here. I just got out of a five year relationship and pretty much turned my whole planned-out future on its head. Which isn’t a bad thing, but still it’s a big change. You have enough going on that I’m sure you’re not looking for something long-term either. I don’t think either one of us has
delusions that this thing between us will continue when the summer ends.
The b
ottom line is that I like you, and
I think you like me.”
He nodded.
That w
as good.
“I’m looking to have a little fun this summer, and it would be fun to hang out with y
ou and get to know you better.
I’d
just
rather not be deceiving my boy– ex-boyfriend in the process.”
The word ex in front of boyfriend felt foreign to me, and I felt an instant pang in my chest.
Had I made the right decision?
Would I regret it down the road?
No, breaking up with Ben h
ad been the right thing to do.
I was positive about that, regardless of what
the future held.
“Are you cool with that?” I asked, noticing that Zack had visibly calmed down
, but he still hadn’t responded to me
.
At least some of the color had returned to his face.
He reached out and took
my hand in his.
“I like
you Emily, but
you’re right
, I’m not lookin
g for anything serious
.
I’ve got
a lot goi
ng on in my life right now.
It would be too complica
ted to add a relationship
to the mix.
”
I nodded.
I understood, and
I understood as best as
I could
about his situation.
“
I haven’t really dated anyone since I moved back here, and there’s a reason for that. And
like I told you last night, I’m bit
of an effed up mess right now.
I don’t know if you want to get involved with me
in any capacity
.”
“Zack, I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re
dealing with
, because I don’t, but I’m not afraid of you being a me
ss.
I’ve been a b
it of a mess myself lately, as you so politely pointed out a few nights ago, so I’m not really in a position to judge.
I’m still trying to figure out who the hell I am and what exactly I want out of life since I’m afraid I’ve been going after the wrong things for way to
o long.
I guess y
ou could say I’m
almost
as effed up as you are.
”
I smiled a small, and what I hoped was, an encouraging smile.
He laughed lightly.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,”
he said
. “
And you think you’ll be okay with us just being casual
?
I can’t offer much more than that.
”
I looked down at our joined hands
and smiled
as I brought my gaze back to him
.
“I thought you told me to stop thinking,” I said
,
raising an eyebrow at him.
“I did tell you to do that,” he murmured as h
e let my
hand drop and brought his
hand to my wai
st, pulling me closer to him. He
lowered his lips to
mine
, and
I wrapped my arms around his
neck and immersed myself in a
kiss that was ten times better
than any kiss Ben and I had ever had
.
***
I’d thought everything was cool with Zack after that day
,
but
when
he didn’t call and I didn’t
see him for a several days,
I was suddenly panicked that I’d scared him off.
I was honestly surprised since it seemed like things were okay between us when we’d parted ways after spending several hours at the beach
after his freak out
. We’d kept our conversation light throughout most of the day and he was just as flirty as he’d been the night before. I wasn’t sure what
had
happened.
I finally got up the courage to ask Molly, and she told me
he was with his mom. She h
ad
apparently caught a summer cold, and Zack panicked because it could easily turn into pneumonia since her system was so weak. So
he stayed by her side
, doing what he could to nu
rse her back to health.
H
e didn’t let anyone else come into the house, and he only left if he had to, as not to introduce new germs into the air.
Although
I completely understood, I was a little bummed out that I couldn’t see him.
I knew it wasn’t natural to miss a person as much as I missed Zack,
especially
when
I barely knew him,
but I couldn’t help it. I craved his presence more than anything.