Brick Lane (30 page)

I go inside the office and he reading. I standing there wait and wait it seem like hour and hour. Then Abdul come in he stand there clean the glasses I think he come for saving my job. Manager putting down his papers and say 'You know why you are here.' Yes say Abdul. I say yes as well. I know I there for the sack.

'You have behave in lewd manner. You have show no regard for reputation of the factory. I am not running a brothel. Do I look like brothel keeper to you?' He is looking at me. No I say. Not a brothel keeper. Then he stand up. Get out. You are finished in garment business.

I just standing there and smelling him and smelling pomade on Abduls hair and perfume he puts on his cheek and thinking I going to faint. Go on he say. Get out. But I have to ask. What it is I did?

'The boy admit to all' he say. 'Dont tell me your shameless lie. Go before I beat shame into you.' I look at Abdul but he not look at me. His shirt sticking to his chest I remember I never see him sweat before. He say nothing and I go out. I wait outside door for him also getting sack and walking home with me. Manager I hear him. 'Pretty girl eh? You boys! Have to get a little practice in before marriage eh?' He laughing. Only him laughing not Abdul.

You have this letter by this time I have other job. Mr Chowdhury looking out for me. He have many business. I send you love as always.

March 1991
Oh baby is walking! How I like to see it send photo if you have.

Your husband is right Mr Chowdhury looking out for me. I under his protection do not send money. If husband allow to do shopping it is good. You can go out. But do not hide accounts and send money to me. You have good husband. This make me more happy than anything and I have no need.

Two days past Mr Chowdhury come here. He ask to comb hair. I did it and I massage feet. Much tension in feet but with me he say he can relax. He tell me all day long people climbing around him waiting outside office running to catch him walk backward in front of him and wave papers. He can never be alone because of all day people want something. Even in spite he feel alone. He in actual fact lonely like hell. He trust no one. Everyone cheating. Wife is dead for long time. Sons have gone. Half money going in bribe. New Government coming new people lining up for bribe.

He tell me 'You are my daughter. I like to bring you to my house. But what people will say? We are not related. I have no wife.' Then he sigh and I rub his feet and when I look up there is water in the eyes. 'If a girl comes to a mans house as servant there is no trouble. She must come as servant. Or as wife. Then all is well.'

Sister can Mr Chowdhury mean to take for wife? It keep going around in my mind but it is a foolish thing. Is it foolish thing? He is rich and powerful man he know Top Brass people. And I am like daughter to him. I tell you? He growing moustache. It look well with his cane. He look like gentleman. And very fit also as well for man this age. He believe in exercise. Sometime he leave Toyota Land Cruiser at home and walks never mind it not done in Top Brass circle. Not such old man maybe like your husband age.

You see how it is. Mr Chowdhury not even ask for rent and I get a little money cook for jute men. I make breakfast and dinner and they give portion for my meal and little money also.

I buy chickens and they have begin to lay. Ten twelve eggs under veranda every morning. Day it is quiet and I talk to the goats. They tied up now and washing is safe. I watch trains go by and think of the train that bring me from Khulna. I think of people on those trains where they going and where they from. Sometime I hear the hauls in the street and I run round to the front listen to them sing about love. Or I talk to Zainab she is friendly with me now.

Her boy youngest one have failed in exam. Father did not flog properly or he would have learn. She say 'What kind of father is that? How many times I told to flog properly. I do my best but I am only a woman.' Then she say 'I told him to pay more for tutoring. He did not listen. Now the boy has failed.' Then she has idea. She come to me hands with flutter. Looks like cat jump in the bird nest. 'The teacher is at fault not only the father. These teachers must be responsible. Only way to make them responsible is take the whole damn lot to Court. Tomorrow I serving Notice.' That Court getting crowded like anything.

Evening time I cook the meal and I serve. I sit a little way apart and eat. I listen to men make talk and joke and I watch the sky. I look at the moon and I think of you sister look at same moon. We cannot see each other but we see it and we are join.

Jute men all saving up money. Most night is money counting. Many sending back to village. They save for wife and children and parents. Few saving only for own selves. For starting business or build a house or take a wife. These ones save hardest. Others buying hair oil or sweets or ticket to cinema. They smoke more and take more pan. However much they saving it not enough so they spend a little to forget a little. Young ones have not learned and they saving hardest counting most often.

They still playing chess but some of piece are lost there not so many fight now. Also they tell story and everyone try to tell the best. Some are jute farmer before they lose the land. Do you remember Abba take us one time in boat to watch jute harvest? Mens stay down so long we cannot hold breaths until they come again to surface.

These ones tell biggest story. One say I have dive twelve feet down to cut the jute. The next diving fifteen feet. Third must be diving always twenty-five feet and fourth going down thirty and fighting with crocodiles. I stay apart and listen.

Sometime Hussain come and talk with me. He so yellow like he turning into jute himself. I tell him what happen at factory. I tell everything. I only tell Mr Chowdhury I get laid off due to how easy he get upset.

Hussain say 'Sometime when people see a beautiful thing they want to destroy it. The thing make them feel ugly so they act ugly.' He meaning me for the beautiful thing. Then he say 'Me I too ugly anyway. Any beautiful thing coming my way just make me laugh. Ha! You think that making me feel bad? I already too ugly.'

May 1991
How to write? What to tell? Sister I have bring shame on self. Hide this letter from your husband.

I tell you what happen. If you write to me even in spite you know what I have done it not because I trick you to think I am good person.

Thursday evening Mr Chowdhury come here. I not expecting he have come last week. I sleeping on my mat in underclothes and a knock coming on the door. I call out and he reply then bang with his stick. Just a minute I tell him I getting dressed. But he kick the door and break catch.

Light the bloody lamp. He yelling like hell. I get up from bed I still undress. 'Let me see her. Let me see the whore.' And I cannot light it my hand is frighten. He take the lamp and do it. Then I see how his face look.

He marching up and down room with the lamp. I moving out of way. I trying to climb inside the dark. His cane find me. My legs afraid. He shout again. 'What you have done to me? You screwing every motherfucker in the factory! Did they put roof over your head? Did they treat like daughter? What did they give you? What did I get?'

All I thinking that everyone can hear. He still going on. 'I am a fool.' He screaming it really. He put lamp down and he starting to take off shirt. He quiet and I glad for it. Then he take off trousers. I say nothing I do nothing and then it done and he sit in the chair. He ask me to rub feet and I do it. He tell me not to cry and I stop. He ask if it he who taking care of me and I say yes it him.

This is what happen and afterward I cry. All the time I thinking my life cursed. God have given me life but he has curse it. He put rocks in my path thorns under feet snakes over head. Which way I turn any way it is dark. He never light it. If I drink water it turn to mud eat food it poison me. I stretch out my hand it burn and by my side it wither. This is what He plan for me. This is how I thinking. I telling you everything so you know the sort of person I am.

Little and little I getting stronger. I pray God forgive me. I sick then inside my mind. Everything has happen is because of me. I take my own husband. I leave him. I go to the factory. I let Abdul walk with me. I the one living here without paying.

This is all I have to tell and I have tell everything.

August 1991
Where I can go sister? I run away for my husband. And I run away from him also. Now I afraid to run again.

You want to bring me to London. I like to come. But again this time your husband right and you must listen. Save money for new baby coming. Husband starting new business. He need money for that also. Tutoring is very good idea. Here no one can pass exam without tutoring.

Zainab in trouble. I talk to her and forget own trouble. One day her husband was cycling to District Court and he knocking into man on Suzuki scooter. You think it Zainabs husband get bashed up but that is not how it happen. Suzuki man fall on neck and now arms and legs not working. Police put Zainabs husband in police station and she take savings there for releasing husband. And now Suzuki man wife serving Notice on Zainabs husband. They want money but now Zainab do not have money. She done everything but it useless. She tell me 'I went to the house. Look. This is how I getting down on my knees and this is how I pulling my hair and this is how I tearing my clothes and screaming. Wife looking at me like dirty rag. Why she think this dirty rag got money?' Then she start wailing and beating on chest. 'Oh why my husband cant break
his
neck. Then
we
the ones serving Notice.'