Authors: Cynthia White
“I
’m
losin’ everything!” Boss punched a massive hole in our wall. “My boy, my wife, my daughters
...
”
He was about to break. I could see it so clearly. He needed me in a way he never had before. I was sad
,
to
o
, but I wasn’t about to let him crash and burn. Our family needed its Boss
, so
I had to make sure we had him.
“Baby, you haven’t lost me or the girls. As a matter of fact,” I took his banged
-
up hand and placed it gently on my stomach
,
“
...
you might be gaining one.”
I was pregnant. I had a doctor’s appointment
e
arlier that day
, and t
hat’s when I found out. I was going to tell Boss as soon as he got home, but after waiting on him for five hours I finally fell asleep. If I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom
,
I wouldn’t
even
have known he was outside standing in the cold
,
wet rain. I thanked
G
od for my tiny bladder.
My husband needed me by his side
,
so that’s right where I stood. People could call me stupid. They could say that I was a fool for Boss
-
andI sn>
’
d probably be right
-
but when you love somebody
,
you love them through the good and in spite of the bad. My husband wasn’t really a bad man
; h
e just made a lot of bad choices.
Pee-Wee’s funeral was so hard on Boss. When he went up to view the body
,
he just stood there for twenty minutes
,
trying to accept the fact that his cousin, his best friend was gone. I wanted to wrap my arms around him tight and never let him go.
“Baby, it’s okay.” I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. “He’s in a better place now. We have to let him go. We owe him that much.”
“I’m tryin’.” His head fell back against mine. “I’m tryin’ hard to let my nigga go.”
Nobody else in that church mattered
; i
t was like they didn’t even exist. Boss and Pee-Wee were the only two that ever really understood their bond. Men like them didn’t plead for understanding, but they did demand respect. There would never be another Pee-Wee
; h
is shoes were far too big for anyone to fill. I worried about the void that
his passing
was going to leave in my husband’s life
...h
ow do you even begin to plug a hole that big? I knew I couldn’t make it better
,
no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was offer my support and give it if he accepted. It wasn’t much, but it was all I had to work with.
After losing Pee-Wee
,
Kylee was all fucked up. She took a leave from school to try and pull herself together. There wasn’t much that I could do for her either. She couldn’t even come to the house anymore
; t
he memories of Pee-Wee were just too much for her to handle. Boss gave her the seventy-five grand that Pee-Wee stashed in the guest room. We both agreed that he would have wanted her to have it. It wasn’t much
,
and it couldn’t bring Pee-Wee back, but it was his one final chivalrous gesture. He always treated Kylee like a queen
, and h
is death didn’t cause him to make any exceptions.
I was eighteen weeks pregnant when we found out we were having a boy
;
Boss was finally going to get his son. It was as if the last puzzle piece was about to be fitted. After all of the loss we
’
d endured
,
I was ready to welcome a new life into our family. Malaysia and Mariah were so ready to be big sisters
, and
Malaysia even asked if she could help pick out her li
tt
l
e
brothers
’
name
-
but I already had that covered. Our son would be named after the uncle he
’
d never get a chance to meet
, as well as
the father who gave him life
:
Anthony Malcolm Clark would be his name. I loved him already.
Chapter 37
“I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this...but...you’re HIV positive”
...
n>
Dr. Benson’s words echoed in my head.
It was like a horrible dream that I couldn’t wake up from. No matter how hard I tried
,
I couldn’t make this one go away. It wasn’t just a terrifying figment of my imagination
- i
t was real. My life had become some sad cautionary tale. The storm was growing angrier, but its loud thunder and bright lightning didn't faze me at all
;
I had more important things to worry about. All of a sudden
,
my life was at risk. Boss had betrayed me in the worst way possible. It didn't matter anymore that he slept with Gina and Peaches and Risha and Asia
; w
hat mattered to me was that he had so little concern for my life that he
’
d have unprotected sex with those hoes
...t
hat shit cut through me like a knife.
I walked into the beautiful home that I shared with my husband
,
feeling detached from everything and everyone. It was as if I w
ere
watching my life play out on TV
-
but it wasn’t really my life
...i
t couldn’t be
...t
his was some totally ridiculous soap opera
,
and any minute now someone was going to yell
,
“C
ut
!
End of scene.
”
I always tried to be a good person. Even when everybody around me was wildin’ the fuck out
,
I stayed focused. Nothing was more important to me tha
n
my family. I loved my children so much
, and t
here was nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for them. They kept me sane when their father was hell
-
bent on driving me mad. On top of everything else he
’
d already put me through
,
now he was about to make me fight for my life
...t
hat was one low down dirty
muthaf
uc
ka.
A
s I walked do
wn the hall towards my daughter
s
’
room
,
I began to feel weak. The wall steadied me until I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet
, then
I opened their door
-
and it hit me hard. Malaysia and Mariah looked like angels sleeping in their beds. I started to cry again, but this time I wasn’t sure I
’
d be able to stop. Shit was so unfair.
W
hen the crying turned to screaming
, I
covered my mouth
with my hands
. There was nothing left inside. I was hollow
; t
hat nigga
had
gutted me like a fish. Who the fuck did he think he was? My sadness quickly turned to anger. It was the most intense emotion I
’
d ever felt in my life
;
I was on fire.
I heard the shower running in our master bath and knew Boss was up
; i
t was time to pay the piper. I took off my heels and tiptoed
quietly
into the bathroom
,
then shut and locked door behind me. The huge room was full of steam. Boss had left his clothes lying all over the bathroom floor
,
like he
’
d
done
so many times before. spames befHis gun was on my vanity
...h
ow fuckin
g
poetic. I picked it up and held it in
my
hands
; i
t was heavier than I imagined it to be. I wondered how many people’s lives he
’
d taken with it.
A
s I walked over to the shower and just stood there waiting
,
I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“Meesh
-” Boss damn near jumped out of his skin when he saw me standing there with his gun in my hand. “Baby, what’s goin’ on?”
“How long have you known?” I asked him straight out, not wanting to bullshit with his lying
-
ass just this once. “Tell me the truth
,
and I might not kill you.”
“How long have I known what, baby?” He once again tried to play me for a fool.
Not today. I fired one shot and shattered the shower door into a million pieces. My mind took me back to the day I was shot at in the shower of our old home
...
I went through so much just to be
with
Boss
-
and it was all for nothing
...n
one of it meant a damn thing.
“I never in my wildest dreams thought it would end like this.” My eyes closed for
just
a second
, but i
t was long enough to see the first time we
’d
made love
...i
f only I could go back and warn that stubborn li
tt
l
e
girl
;
I
’
d tell her he wasn’t worth it, that the nigga destroyed everything he touched
- and
I
’
d beg her to save herself for someone who deserved her. I
’
d
also
show her every bruise he
’
d
eventually
put on her heart, but I knew she wouldn’t listen
...s
he was too far gone by then.
“For six years,” I went in on him
,
“all I’ve done is love you and be there for you. I’ve never once been with anyone else. I was so faithful. I never even kissed another nigga.” I had to chuckle at myself. How pathetic was I? I was married to a man who fucked hoes as a hobby
,
and I was at home trying to be some ghetto
-
ass version of a
S
tepford
W
ife.
Was the dick really that good? Did I s
ell
my soul for a piece?
“I know that
,
Meesh.” Boss spoke so sincerely. “You’re a
good
woman.”
I wanted to shoot his fuckin
g
dick off. How dare he patronize me? That nigga had King Kong balls. He tried to come towards me
-
but I raised his gun and put a stop to that shit real fast. He couldn’t fuck his way out of this one.
“Boss, I loved you.” I spilled my heart out as I aimed his 9mm at his chest and prepared to spill his guts. “But what you did to me is unforgivable.” I cocked the hammer and closed my eyes. “Goodbye.” I pulled the trigger.
Either time was standing still
,
or nothing was happening. I opened my eyes just in time to see the frantic look on Boss’ face. His yellow piss
had
saturated
the
beautiful white rug be
neath him, and w
e looked at each other and both realized what
had
happened at the exact same time
: t
he gun jammed. Neither one of us were prepared to back down. He wanted to live
,
and I wanted his ass dead
- t
he only question was
:
which one of us wanted his life more
?