Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age (8 page)

I should say that I was never able to play the macho role very well. I got into forestry not because I was some kind of lumberjack or Boy Scout type, but because I became very interested in the environmental movement in college and developed an interest in environmental science.

A few years ago, my wife and I started to tell each other fantasy stories as we made love. This verbal fantasizing helped make sex a lot more fun for both of us. My problem is that I want to act out more of these fantasies, and she does not. I can occasionally persuade her to dress up in sexy corsets, black stockings, boots, etc. She has been willing to tie me up a couple of times. But I usually have to ask her to do these

things; she does not do them on her own initiative. However, I don’t really enjoy acting out as much as I do the fantasies. We don’t really play the parts well. It’s better for me to fantasize about these things and for us to tell each other our fantasies.

In my fantasy, I am driving a very expensive sports car through the mountains of California. I am taking curves real fast and loving every minute of it. I look in my rearview mirror and notice that a motorcycle cop is following me. I decide to try to outrun the cop but “he” keeps following me. Finally, on a dangerous curve, I lose control of the car and spin around. The cop manages to avoid crashing into me, stops the motorcycle, and starts walking toward me.

I look up and see the gun pointed at me. I hear, “Out of the car, asshole.” I realize that the cop is a woman. She is a lot stronger and quicker than I am. She turns around so that she’s facing me. She says, “You’re under arrest for reckless driving. If you try anything, you’ll wish you hadn’t.” She tells me to get on her motorcycle, behind her. She starts up quickly. She enjoys taking risks when she drives. After a fast drive up some mountain roads, we stop at a remote chalet. “Get off,” she says. My hands are handcuffed behind me. She takes out her gun and motions me toward the house. “Inside,” she says.

We walk inside a beautiful chalet. There is a cathedral ceiling, several pillars, a sunken living room, and a large stone fireplace with a roaring fire. The carpet is white. She quickly unlocks my handcuffs and then handcuffs me again behind a pillar. She ties my legs together. She sits down on a large, soft white couch. She is still dressed in her police uniform, leather jacket, boots, etc.

“What are you going to do with me?” I ask. “Don’t be a pussy,” she says.

A man walks in. He is six-foot-five and very well-built. She looks at me, and I know I am to say nothing. The man acts as if I’m not

there. Suddenly, she springs up and tackles him. She is stronger than he is. She wrestles him and then handcuffs him to another pillar. She unzips both of our pants and takes our cocks out. She realizes we are both helpless and laughs. “Let’s play a game,” she says. She picks up her nightstick and holds it down by her cunt. “I’ll suck the first one whose cock gets as big as this. The other one has to watch.” She starts to masturbate. We can’t do anything about our own cocks, but we know what they want to do.

A woman comes in. She is dressed in running clothes and is out of breath. She is the wife of the other man. “We’re seeing who has the biggest cock,” the cop says. The other woman takes off her clothes. They go over to the couch and start doing 69 on each other. This makes the two of us even hornier. Finally, they cum, both at the same time.

The cop goes over to the other man and pours a drink over his cock, then starts licking him. He cums very quickly. She then walks over to me. She licks the semen off her lips as she does this. “What do you want?” she says.

“I want to fuck you,” I say. “Beg.”

She pushes me down on my knees, turns to the other woman, and says, “What do you think?”

“I’ll fuck him,” the other woman says.

She unlocks my handcuffs and motions me toward the other woman. I start to walk toward her, but she trips me, and I fall on the floor. She jumps on top of me, turns me over, and fucks me quickly.

We see the male population today divided with regard to the joy of women’s sexual emancipation. There are men who

fantasize about women becoming madly orgasmic and wildly out of control sexually, while others hold on to male domination, with women available for man’s sexual pleasure. Is the latter a defense against full awareness of the total power a woman once held over him—the power, if he is not careful, that could easily be relinquished again? Or is it to deny the hunger some women have for sex? A cuckolded man—should she look elsewhere or succumb to the mailman—in some men’s eyes is no man at all.

I can understand why a male-dominated society puts blinders and boundaries on women’s sexuality. Patriarchal men so feared the depth and energy of women’s sexuality, they deprived them- selves of sexually responsive wives. It was the only way they could leave home for work and not wonder what the little woman was up to. I recently came across the following online site.

Have you ever dated a married woman? Well this is your chance to check out this ‘Lonely Wives Dating’ network, and you can do it for NO COST at all. Come on, you have to admit that you’re a little curious.

Listening to the fantasies of women as well as their actual sexual adventures, I understand why men went to such lengths not to be cuckolded. Augusta, a middle-aged married woman, says,“My fantasies usually do center around some type of dom- ination trip, which is odd, since I detest the thought of being dominated by anyone, male or female, in real life and have had real adjustment problems because of this issue.” She goes on

to emphasize, “Some male researchers have commented that women’s sex desire is small.
Absolutely not true
. Sometimes, my feelings are so intense that they really get in the way of my daily routine.”

Men would never have so rigidly insisted on their right to patriarchy and control—stripping women of all sexual initia- tive, depriving themselves of great sex at home—if they hadn’t been aware of the power of women when they were growing up. Though the world is shifting on its axes and women have joined the ranks of fans of the domination fantasy, it is still primarily the fantasy playground of men.

Tucker

Tucker is a middle-aged man married for thirty-seven years to a woman he de- scribes as “the most wonderful woman in the world.” He, like ian earlier in this chapter, has the typical man-on-top fantasy. Does letting go, losing control, sub- mitting, reawaken fears of being controlled by a dominant mother?

In our relationship, I have always been the dominant one and Mary the passive/submissive one. We both like it very much this way. There is no pain to our lovemaking, yet I always dominate her, and this pattern of dominance all began way back when I was in the third grade. I would pretend that I had a beautiful girl tied up naked to a tree, and I would beat her with a rope. I think this came from seeing my mother as the dominant force in our family and my father never standing up to her, but I’m not sure.

Anyway, one day, I mentioned my fantasies to my wife, Mary. When I am on top of her, fucking her, I fantasize:

One, she is my sex slave and being forced to submit to my pleasures.

Two, as I fuck her, there are several men standing around us urging me to fuck her harder and faster.

Three, I am only one of several men who are gang-raping her. I am the fourth or fifth to fuck her, and there are others waiting in line.

Four, I am a soldier, and the other soldiers and I have captured her, and she must do everything we tell her—anal, oral, and coital to each of us.

Mary enjoys acting out her role as a sex slave during our time of foreplay, which can and has lasted for a couple of hours or more before we even get into oral, anal, or coital. For instance, she will go into the bedroom and put on whichever outfit I order her to wear; i.e., she will come into the living room wearing a knee-length skirt, hose, heels, garter belt, no panties, a sleeveless low-cut blouse, and no bra. She will stand in front of me and say, “Is this what you want, master?”

I will say, “Yes,” and order her to spread her legs, lift her dress to her waist, and she will obey immediately, letting me get a vision of the prettiest and cleanest shaved pussy any woman would hope to have.

I, like many women, have always chafed under the rules of patriarchy. Even with the kindest husband, some wives feel the power balance within the relationship as controlling. Until we are married, women know that our lives belong to us and are ours to invest. Growing up, we may have had strict parents, but there were ways of avoiding their control over us.

Losing interest in sex after marriage has a great deal to do with the feeling of having lost one’s independence. Under patriarchy, women ran the home, raised the children, but total dependence on a husband for the bread on the table and the roof over their heads smothered that spark that ignites eros.

Many of the women who write about their domination fanta- sies have been abused at some point in their lives. Tessa says, “I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic. He was a senior po- lice officer and violent in every way possible to me. Over the last eight years, a lot of my fantasies have revolved around domina- tion and being at the mercy of an older, controlling, brutal man.” It’s fascinating having lived in both worlds, pre- and post- feminism. If I evoke the pre-feminist world so often, it’s to make sense out of our fantasies as well as our real lives in a world that is changing at an unprecedented rate. To understand our sexual behavior nowadays—not just what we do but how we feel about ourselves sexually—it helps to remember three levels of change. The quickest thing to change is our attitude about sex. It can be triggered by nothing more than the relaying

of a friend’s experience.

What changes more slowly is our sexual behavior. Nina, a “single, white, college-educated virgin…technically,” says, “As a child and adolescent, my fantasies were mostly based on being seduced/dominated by men. However, as an adult, my fantasies have made a complete change, in that now I am usually the one dominating the man. Depending on my mood, my fantasies will range from playful to cruel.”

Third level, the slowest to change—if it changes at all within our lifetime—are our deepest, often unconscious feelings about our bodies and our sexual behavior, attitudes we learned from our parents.

We seek to be free of the burden of these feelings by turning over control. Or finally controlling them through domination now that feminism has laid the groundwork for young girls to carry leadership skills straight into adolescence.

Zoe

I consider myself to be a good-looking, assertive, heterosexual recovering alcoholic. I lost my virginity at nineteen but was masturbating by the age of ten. The first experience with masturbation that I can recall was with a bar of soap. That was replaced by running water, which continued for many years. Erotica has always been very stimulating—I love romance novels but look for the “explicit sex” disclaimers on the cover. I am quite adept at losing myself in a book. When I meet a man who is attractive, I usually fantasize a lot about him; that he desires me, can’t resist me, thinks about me all the time. It’s because, even though I’m told I’m good looking, subconsciously I still have to convince myself of it. I’m not strong on sexual confidence in reality, but I’m a powerhouse in my dreams. I would love to be pursued by an attractive man and tell him, “No!” all the time. It’s old-fashioned but a real turn-on for me.

When it gets down to the nitty-gritty of really getting off, I think about bondage and being overwhelmed by a man. I imagine myself helpless, forced to be pleasured beyond human endurance by a watchful audience.

My favorite fantasy is being drugged and awakened to find strangers holding my legs spread wide open and my arms flung wide. There are several clothed men in the room with video cameras all focused on me. One gorgeous naked man approaches, reaches to spread my pussy wide so that I can be seen by all cameras, and he starts making tight circles on my clitoris with his finger. Another naked man comes over and holds my pussy lips wide apart. It all has a porno movie feel to it. I can see his cock dangling above my chest, pulsing. He starts delving his tongue into my vagina until I’m dying for release, but he pulls away before I can climax. At this point, two beautiful women come to either side of me wearing nothing but open lab coats. They blindfold me and start sucking my