Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age (7 page)

Sally

I’m twenty-two, black, and graduated from a major East Coast liberal arts college. I work for a well-known magazine and am trying to publish a book of poetry. I’m very open-minded about people’s sexuality and fetishes, and I expect people to feel the same about me. I took a human sexuality class and a sociology and sexual diversity class that helped me come to grips with my own sexuality and that of others. It has helped me find a peace of mind that I couldn’t accomplish in therapy.

In my fantasy, I imagine myself as a lusty and insatiable woman who has to be reprimanded by her man. (Usually, he is a faceless man, but

once in a while, he’s my boyfriend.) I have an hourglass figure, huge, buoyant, perky breasts that want to pop out of my tiny black bra. My nipples are big and rosy. I traipse around the house wearing a sheer blouse and a short flared skirt. Underneath, I am wearing thigh-high stockings and a thong bikini. On my feet, I am wearing three-inch heels. My lover comes in and is angry because I’ve disobeyed him and worn these trashy clothes. He is very angry. He pushes me over the table and pulls down my panties. He gives me twenty hard spanks with a hairbrush, and he sees my clit growing in ecstasy. He spanks me harder and harder until my ass is swollen.

He tells me he is going to give me what I’ve been craving. He spreads whipped cream all over my sore ass until it is slippery and shiny. He then stuffs his dick into my puckering asshole. (I really don’t like anal sex in real life.) He shoves it in and out, and we are both moaning like idiots. He pulls out and shoves it in my pussy. We are doing it doggy style. I can feel his balls hitting my clitoris, and I am absolutely insane. We both cum screaming frantically. In real life, I am pretty orgasmic at this point and hope that my boyfriend smells my turned-on pussy and shoves his tongue or dick into it. (In reality, it is very hard for me to have an orgasm, but I’m not sure why.)

In fantasies of domination, we abdicate responsibility. In the olden days, women weren’t raised to be responsible for sex; yes, we were responsible for
not
having sex—until marriage—but we weren’t raised to initiate sex, to even think we were sexual crea- tures, but instead were made to believe that until a man “turned us on,” like a light switch, we were devoid of sex. This belief was possible to accept, since we weren’t allowed to even masturbate,

the most logical exercise in the world for teaching sexual re- sponsibility and know-how.

Prior to adolescence, I was eager to initiate almost anything. But came Cinderella time, the captain of the team, the leader of the girl pack, I took smaller steps and learned to wait to be asked, to practice assiduously the “virtue” of passivity. It was hard. In those bygone days, it was maddening to wait, for those of us who were naturally inclined to telephone the boy, ask him to dance.

Adolescents today are forging new territory. Girls raised by women who have mother-power and economic power don’t take no for an answer. Today, many young girls do just this; they walk up, hold out their hand, shrug if they are rejected, and try the next guy or girl.

F a N T a s i e s o F r a p e

“Stop! No! Please! Stop!…Why’d You Stop?”
Young girls are formidable creatures. Even in the old days, ado- lescent boys had their work cut out for them, given female drive and determination. Today, young women’s fantasies are often full of vindictive anger at men for what they see online, in mov- ies, on television as well as what they hear from their mothers, not to mention what they experience in real life. Today’s young women often retaliate, imagining themselves in fantasy as the dominatrix; is it seduction or rape that excites them? Whether bondage, pain, or punishment, these women’s orgasms are often laced with revenge.

Why is the rape fantasy today still so prevalent, even for those who have never been raped nor desire it? Does it go back to a time not long ago when women were not allowed to be

sexual? Even today, do many women think of the kind of “pow- erful/rough” sex that they want as inappropriate for them? In fantasies of rape, their desires are not in question; it is beyond their control.

For actual victims of rape, such as Melly, the fantasies can also be very therapeutic.

melly

Let me comfort my boyfriend and all men by saying that monogamy is more sensual than anything that goes on in my head. I love my boyfriend and would never trade what we have for any of my mental affairs that may have a chance of becoming reality. My fantasies are usually about rape or lesbianism. Both I have experienced—only the latter would I enjoy again. The lesbian fantasies are always “soft and plush,” whereas the rape fantasies are cruel and hard. Sometimes, I have a reverse rape fantasy in which the man who really did rape me is on his back, crying for more. I say, “How do you like it, mutha fuckah?” I feel so relieved after I cum, sometimes the happiness makes me cry. I suggest fantasy for any woman who has been raped.

Nicole

I’m twenty-three now, but when I was in high school, my parents wouldn’t let me date. When I graduated high school, I started going to bars as soon as I could get into them. I always carried condoms with

me. But I began to feel I should control my life and not just let things happen. Most men my age seem so immature and irresponsible.

I have become interested in female domination porn, which I don’t think is degrading to women. The women are mostly clothed and the men nude. Since I don’t like to look at women, this is perfect. I also like the feeling of power I get from seeing men submissive to women. The men seem eager to please women, unlike the traditional porn most men look at. I’ve never tried anything I’ve seen on anyone I’ve met but have fantasized about it. I’ve chatted online with a few subjects but haven’t had the nerve to meet. I am particularly aroused by the scenes of women raping men.

I have a rape fantasy, where in a funny way, I’m in control. I am in bondage. I tell them the rules that they can play by. One is no ejaculating on me; they must all wear condoms. While each one fucks me, the others must watch. I ask them all to tell me exactly how each feels about women, to let loose verbally with all the anger they’ve ever felt. I ask them to tie me to the bed. The first man gets on top of me. He says, “You’re a whore, a dirty bitch.” The anger in his voice is intense. I can see the expressions on the other men’s faces, and they all display desire. All the others can’t wait their turns. You see, I choose the next guy I want to fuck.

I believe strongly in guilt-free imagined fantasies wherein we are in total control and no one gets hurt. In women’s relatively new role as men’s equal, it is one thing to feel at home with power during the day at work, but when the day is done and our clothes are off, our breasts bare, nipples hard, and our vagina moist, and that pulsating sensation within crying for someone’s

mouth or the entry of a stiff cock, we often don’t want to lead or instruct.
We want to be taken!
Many of these women say up front that they “hate real domination,” but in fantasy, it makes them wet, makes them fly out of this tense difficult world.

What relieves our responsibility for sexual satisfaction more than being forcibly taken by one man or woman and also feeds into our exhibitionistic and voyeuristic sides? Answer: being taken by many men and women.

F a N T a s i e s o F g r o u p F o r c e
“When One Man Is Too Much and a Hundred Are Too Many”

Sarah

Sarah, who is thirty-three and well-educated, has opted out of or “not followed up,” her words, inmany sexual situations, leaving them to remain only sexual fantasies. She admits, in real life, the man who is the basis of the following fantasy was prob- ably given mixed signals.

I have many different fantasies—which usually include two men—and sometimes women. To me, having sex with two people at the same time feeds my psychological need for more. My parenting wasn’t enough.

Part of this fantasy actually happened when I was away from home on a two-month job. After sitting in a dining room having breakfast and trying to look self-assured because I’m the only woman in the room, I was followed discreetly by a forty-year-old man in a suit and tie. He ended up asking me to come to his room. I told him, “No.” But later, when I left work, a car pulled up alongside me, and the same man asked if I would reconsider the offer.

This is where the fantasy starts. I say it will cost him. He then says if he’s paying, he wants me to dress like a schoolgirl. So, later, I knock on his hotel door, dressed as a schoolgirl. He says I can come in as long as I don’t mind his friend being there. The first man sits me on his lap, and at this point, the second man squats down on the floor and peels back my shirt. They then take off my skirt. Still with my panties on, the first man slides his hand down and slips a big finger into my tight, fresh hole. He begins working it in and out slightly. The second man comments that all my juices are dribbling everywhere, and with that, he pulls my panties down to my ankle and started to lick at the juices and then deeper toward my cunt.

Lucas

a forest ranger in the northern midwest, Luke is married to a teacher. They have two children and find they have less and less time to spend together and less energy for sex than they used to.