Now, rays of hope had started to appear. Emmy
might find a new girlfriend, maybe even before she left for
college. More importantly, though, she was going to stop being
afraid of living in this town. She was going to find new
friends—possibly Daisy Mejia.
“Hey,” Emmy said, smiling.
“Hey.”
Now that Emmy knew Daisy was a lesbian, too,
she wondered why she’d never guessed before. As they walked into
the cafe, Daisy seemed completely oblivious to the guys who noticed
her, but Emmy did catch her furtive glance in the direction of a
girl on her laptop next to the cafe window. Had Daisy’s orientation
always been so clear, or was she owning it more now that she’d
started coming out?
They took a seat in a back corner. Emmy felt
the need to apologize. “If anybody sees you here with me, they
might talk about you,” she warned Daisy. “Way before Iris and I got
together, people were making all kinds of assumptions…” Emmy
trailed off and chewed her lip. She really didn’t intend to hit on
Daisy Mejia, but comparing her to Iris made it sound like she
did.
Daisy shook her head firmly. “Don’t worry
about it. That’s not your problem. People can have friends.” Daisy
spat that sentence out with force.
Emmy sat back in her chair, blinking. Had she
felt like she couldn’t have friends?
Maybe.
It had probably
been a bad idea for her best friend and her girlfriend to be one
and the same person, but maybe Emmy had let the difficulties of
being an out lesbian in this town make her feel like she wasn’t
allowed friends. After all, any girl she hung out with was destined
to become the subject of the gossip. And
way
too many guys
were interested in making a “conversion”—she hadn’t been willing to
trust any of them.
At the same time, she had to wonder what was
going on with Daisy and her friend Jo. Now that Daisy was coming
out, it made sense for her to want to be friends with someone else
who was out. On the other hand, Daisy and Jo had always seemed
inseparable. Emmy wondered why Daisy had come to her first, instead
of to Jo.
“You doing okay?” Emmy asked. She clenched
her hands under the table. She’d practically invited Daisy to start
a therapy session, which wasn’t what she wanted.
Daisy shrugged. “Not really. But I’m really
not here to dump stuff on you. I know you don’t like that. I meant
what I said. I wanted to hang out.”
Daisy knew that Emmy didn’t want to be
everyone’s therapist? Emmy hadn’t exactly been making a secret of
that fact, but no one else seemed to have picked up on it. She
smiled to herself, surprisingly happy that Daisy had been
listening.
“I’m not, like,
unreasonable
about
that,” Emmy said. “If we’re going to be friends, we’ll tell each
other stuff. That’s okay.”
Daisy smiled back. “Yeah, I think so. You
should go first, though. Are
you
doing okay?”
Emmy raised both eyebrows. Her dad and Mrs.
Figueroa asked how she was doing now and then, but she couldn’t
remember the last time someone else had. Even Iris. Maybe by the
end of their relationship, they’d gotten away from really being
friends. The last few conversations she remembered having had
covered the same, familiar ground of the disagreements she and Iris
always had.
Daisy laughed. “You look like I just asked
you something totally shocking.”
Emmy stuck out her tongue, then tried to
collect herself. “Sorry. I’m okay. Thanks for asking.”
Daisy cocked her head. “You sure about that?
That day I came to the art studio, you seemed angry—not just with
me. And you said something about how much it sucks to be out at
this school.”
Emmy dipped her head. Daisy had her number,
all right. But she wasn’t finished yet.
“There’s also…” Daisy shrugged and glanced
again toward the girl by the window. “I mean, I’m not trying to be
mean about this, but I’ve seen Iris Rodriguez and Nico Mathis
together…”
“Yeah?” Emmy tried to sound idly interested.
Hearing those two names still felt like having an internal organ
ripped out, but she didn’t want to give that away.
Daisy ran her tongue across her top teeth,
her expression skeptical. “I’m just saying, if that was Ri—someone
I’d been interested in—I wouldn’t be okay.”
Emmy sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s awful.
I know we used to hold hands in the hallway and stuff, but I don’t
think we were shoving our tongues down each other’s throats at
every opportunity. I guess they’re just really into each other, but
sometimes I feel like she
wants
me to see.”
“That sucks,” Daisy said.
“It does.”
Daisy seemed to be waiting to hear more. Emmy
hesitated, but then found the story spilling out of her. She’d
amassed a huge collection of slights that had gotten stuck at the
back of her throat—the hundreds of little ways that Iris’s
relationship with Nico seemed to blot out what she’d had with
Emmy.
“I worry that she wants to forget it ever
happened, or pretend I don’t exist. It’s like she’s got something
to prove with Nico.”
“Have you talked to her?”
Emmy shrugged. “I don’t know what I’d say. I
want to yell at her, but that doesn’t feel like something I should
really do.”
“You guys never had a breakup conversation or
anything?”
Emmy thought back. “We were fighting a bunch.
We’d probably had a fight. Maybe we said some stuff along those
lines. I thought it was just normal, though. I figured we’d make up
the next time we saw each other. But the next time I saw her, Nico
had his arm around her.” Emmy smoothed her skirt over her legs.
“Sometimes, I think I hate him.”
Daisy wore a sad expression. Emmy wondered
what she’d been through. That day at the art studio, Emmy had been
so self-righteous, so certain that Daisy had never experienced any
of the difficulties that she had. It was easy to see now that her
attitude hadn’t been fair.
Then Daisy surprised her by cracking a smile.
“You could hate him in private. I don’t think you’d be hurting
anybody.”
“My dad says that kind of thing is like
taking poison and waiting for someone else to die.”
Daisy shrugged. “I’m just saying you could
call him some names when you’re by yourself in your room. As far as
I know, you’ve been totally cool about it in school. It wouldn’t
hurt to blow off a little steam.”
Emmy took a deep breath. It was a satisfying
image, but getting permission from Daisy to hate Nico Mathis only
emphasized how pathetic it would be to keep thinking about him.
“You know what I really want? I want to move on. If she’s happy
with him, fine. I want…” Emmy interrupted herself to swallow a sob
that threatened to break into her voice. “I want to find a way to
stop thinking about her.”
Daisy slid a hand across the table and gently
laid one of her fingers across one of Emmy’s. Glancing up quickly,
Emmy checked Daisy’s expression, but it was only friendly.
“I’ve got a girl I can’t stop thinking about,
too,” Daisy said. “Sometimes it’s awesome, and sometimes it’s the
worst pain I can imagine. I wish I could stop, but I’m worried I
wouldn’t be the same person if I did. I don’t know what to tell
you.”
“That’s exactly how I feel,” Emmy
whispered.
Daisy replied with a rueful smile. “At least
we can hang out and distract each other. And I promise I’ll put up
with you talking about Iris as much as you want. Believe me, I’ve
got plenty of practice listening to Jo’s various obsessions.
Emmy hadn’t expected to feel so reassured by
Daisy’s presence. “What about your girl? If I’m going to be hearing
about her all the time, I should know her name, right?”
Daisy frowned. “She’s not out to anybody.
Honestly, I don’t even know if she’s a lesbian.”
“Daisy, you’ve read stuff about us, right?
You know the famous crush on a straight girl scenario.”
“She doesn’t kiss like a straight girl.”
“You’re smirking!”
Shaking her head, Daisy laughed. “I shouldn’t
be. Honestly, she’s the only person I’ve ever kissed. I wouldn’t
know what a straight girl kisses like. But it felt real. That’s
what I mean.”
“Well, if we can get that gay/straight
alliance set up, you should bring her to it.”
Daisy shrugged. “I’ll ask her.” Her
expression darkened. “Next time I talk to her.”
“Trouble in paradise?”
“I’m not sure it was ever paradise. It’s more
like a giant mess.” She lifted one shoulder higher than the other,
the sharp tip of it making an eloquent gesture. “Like I said, I’m
not doing so great right now.”
Emmy nodded her understanding. “Well, I think
we should get a decent crowd for that club. I was talking to Riva
Corley about checking it out once we get it set up.” Daisy’s face
immediately froze. Emmy’s cheeks heated. Everyone had been
gossiping nonstop about Riva Corley since the day she’d
propositioned Emmy.
She set out to reassure Daisy. “Don’t worry.
I didn’t tell her who you were. I just said I was working on this
with a girl who’s going to come out soon.”
Daisy’s shoulders started shaking. Emmy
frowned, afraid she’d started crying for some reason. She reached
out with one hand, concerned.
Daisy batted her fingers away, now letting
her laughter escape her lips. “This is too ridiculous,” she
said.
“What? Why?”
She shook her head. “I guess I’m not giving
anything away. Riva Corley is the girl I’m talking about. I’ve been
into her since the first time I saw her in school.”
Emmy tightened her jaw so it wouldn’t drop.
“Riva Corley.”
“Yeah.” Daisy frowned. “Look, I know you had
a weird introduction to her. She’s nice, though. She’s got an awful
boyfriend, but I really like her.”
“You went for that thing she wanted,” Emmy
said slowly. “You made out with her in front of her boyfriend.”
The ease disappeared from Daisy’s face.
“Look, I’m not proud of it.”
“You know there are actual lesbians out
there. You don’t have to put on a show like that.”
“I like Riva,” Daisy whispered. She put her
hands on the table and set her gaze on them instead of on Emmy. “I
was sort of glad she came on to you because it told me I had a
chance.”
“She was just looking for any girl who would
take her up on that offer.” For all Emmy’s hatred of giving advice,
she felt protective of Daisy and wanted to save her from being
hurt. “That’s what made me mad. I like girls. I don’t like just any
girl.”
“To me, she’s not just any girl. That thing
with her boyfriend is a mess. I’m not going to lie about that.” She
gave an edgy laugh. “I’m probably going to get my heart broken. I
can’t stay away from her, though.”
“Daisy…”
Daisy shook her head. “I’m not going to let
you judge me, Emmy. I get enough of that from Jo. If it’s so
important to date an actual lesbian, what were you doing with Iris?
I don’t think she ever came out. You and I know who we are. Maybe
it would be easier for us if we only dated people like us. But I
happen to like someone else, you know?”
Emmy had to catch her breath. She wasn’t used
to hanging out with someone who felt so free to hit her between the
eyes with uncomfortable truths. “I
thought
Iris was going to
come out.”
“Maybe Iris isn’t a lesbian. Maybe she’s
bisexual. Maybe she doesn’t believe in labels. Maybe she’s a
lesbian, but it’s going to take her fifteen years to realize it.
Maybe she’s a lot more confused than you and I are. Or maybe she’s
sure of who she is, but it’s not the answer you wanted.”
Emmy prodded the table, as if it might give
way where Daisy’s reasoning wouldn’t. She’d tortured herself night
after night thinking Iris was a lesbian, and her relationship with
Nico was a lie—then fearing she was straight, and the truth was the
other way around. Of course, Emmy knew people were more complicated
than that, but that knowledge hadn’t stopped her from dwelling on
the most clear-cut and disturbing scenarios.
She raised an eyebrow at Daisy. “This is what
you think about Riva, huh? Are you really okay with all those
possibilities?”
Daisy shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t have a
lot of choice, though. I can forget about Riva, or I can try to
live with who she is.”
That hit home, too, but in this case, Emmy
had something to add. “You probably can’t forget about her that
easily. You’re going to have to live with who she is.”
Daisy nodded grimly. “I know.”
She was nice enough not to point out what
they both knew—that Emmy was in exactly the same situation with
Iris.
* * * *
Riva knitted and unknitted her fingers in her
lap as Terrell pulled up in front of Benton’s motel. “He might not
even be here anymore,” she said. “I can imagine him packing up and
leaving.”
“Maybe, but I don’t think so. He’d only pack
up and leave if that was the best move to manipulate you. Right
now, he’s got to know he’s losing his grip.”
She couldn’t help laughing. “You make him
sound like a character on one of those epic fantasy dramas.”
“I’m not kidding, though. He’s in medical
school, right? He’s not stupid. And he’s been playing you since the
beginning.”
Riva could see now that her relationship with
Benton wasn’t going anywhere good, but she still didn’t like
thinking the whole thing had been a lie. She glanced at Terrell.
“You don’t think he ever loved me?”
“I don’t think it matters if he did. A guy
like that, out to get his—there’s no room in that guy for loving
anybody.”
She sighed. “You’re sure?”
“Look, I’m not going to tell you who your
boyfriend is. I think you need to break up with him because he’s
encouraged you to lie to your mom and put Daisy in a bad situation.
He didn’t listen when you asked him to ease off, and he acted
pretty weird after Daisy got upset. In my mind, I don’t need to
think about love at all. Whether he loves you or not, he’s not
treating you right.”