Since she’d finally started this, Daisy let
everything spill out of her. She told Jo what had happened that
night, and how she’d been feeling about Riva for a while. Then she
gripped the steering wheel harder and admitted what had driven her
to Jo’s place.
“I didn’t want to tell her what to do. She
doesn’t need any more of that. But I don’t like that I left her
with him. She doesn’t have a car. Her mom doesn’t know where she
is.”
“Do you think he would…?” Jo stopped talking,
cleared her throat, and spoke again in a flatter voice. “Do you
think he’s a dangerous guy?”
“I don’t like him.” One of Daisy’s hands
cramped on her steering wheel. She got onto the highway, driving
aimlessly. The strip of road flowing under the car soothed her in
an odd way, running smoothly while her thoughts were full of
glitches. “I don’t know why I ran out of there. It was just a
feeling I had. Maybe it was silly? I don’t know.”
“Drive to the motel.”
Daisy gave a surprised grunt.
“Seriously?”
“Do I sound like I’m kidding?” Jo’s voice was
hard and ragged. “Drive there.”
“What if she doesn’t want to come with
us?”
“Then she’s an idiot.”
Daisy took the next exit off the highway.
They were on a flat, empty road. She swung the car around easily,
gravel crunching beneath the tires. “Jo, can I ask you a
question?”
“What?” The word slapped against the interior
of the car, a blow and a warning.
Daisy decided to press forward anyway. “Did
something happen? To you, I mean?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You just…I mean, I don’t like Benton. I feel
weird around him. But you’ve been really intense about him.”
“I’ve never met him.”
Daisy took a slow breath. “Maybe someone like
him? I know you don’t really care about Riva Corley. Why do you
want to go rescue her from the motel?”
Jo grunted. “I’m not a bad person,
Daisy.”
“I didn’t say you are. But there’s
something…You’re not acting like you’re just trying to help her
out. You know?”
“I didn’t get, like, raped or whatever.”
Daisy exhaled. She hadn’t quite said that
word to herself, but it had been lingering at the edges of her
mind. Still, something in Jo’s tone told her that wasn’t the whole
story. Daisy fiddled with the AC controls, trying to decide if she
should ask another question.
Before Daisy could make up her mind, Jo
volunteered more. “Something did happen, though. I mean, it’s not
really that big a deal. I don’t know.”
Daisy waited. She was aware of every bump in
the road beneath the car and every sign she passed along the
highway.
“It’s nothing,” Jo said after another minute
of silence. “There was just this guy.”
“What about him?” Daisy kept her voice as
casual as he could.
“I don’t know. Like, we didn’t go out that
long. You probably don’t even remember him. I don’t even think I
was that into him. But he would talk to me in this way that made me
feel more into him than I was.” Jo rolled down the window, then
rolled it back up again. “God, that doesn’t even make sense.”
“Maybe it does. I don’t know yet.”
“He just made me want to
do stuff
for
him. Stuff I wouldn’t normally do.”
“Like, cook him dinner?” Daisy felt bad as
soon as she asked, but she wasn’t comfortable putting the question
more directly.
“Don’t be stupid, Daisy. You know what kind
of stuff I’m talking about. Then I’d feel bad about it later, and I
didn’t like that.”
Daisy frowned, trying to figure that out. She
felt bad about what had happened with Benton, but she didn’t feel
sorry at all for kissing Riva. In health class, she’d heard lots of
lecturing about kids doing things with each other that they wound
up regretting, but the way the teachers explained it, that usually
involved unintended pregnancies and horrific-looking diseases. Jo
didn’t seem like the type to worry about that stuff—Daisy was
pretty sure that if Jo had slept with somebody, she would have used
precautions.
“What kind of feeling bad?” Daisy asked
finally.
Jo sighed loudly. “Look, you know I really
like guys.” She cleared her throat. “I’m not trying to be weird
about what you told me.”
“I know,” Daisy said quickly. She wasn’t sure
Jo was totally cool about her being a lesbian, but she didn’t want
that fact getting in the way of whatever Jo needed to tell her
now.
“Yeah, anyway, I’ve done some things with
guys. A lot of things with guys. Because I wanted to and it was
fun. Some people call you a slut for doing that, but I never felt
like a slut. I knew I was having a good time, and I liked the guys
I did stuff with. Does that make sense?”
Daisy swallowed. “I think so.” Scared as she
was of what people would say about her at school if they found out
what she’d done with Riva, it had felt so right that she couldn’t
imagine apologizing for it. She thought she understood where Jo was
coming from.
“With this guy, it was different. He made me
feel like a slut.”
Daisy cocked her head, frowning at the road.
“Like, by insulting you?”
“Not exactly. I mean, maybe. It’s hard to
explain. The stuff we did together didn’t feel the same.”
“Like, it didn’t feel as good?”
“No…” Jo laughed awkwardly. “I’m not used to
talking about this kind of thing with you. Usually, I’m, like,
shielding your virgin ears.”
“I’m not that much of a prude,” Daisy said.
“I was sort of trying to avoid conversations where I’d have to
admit I don’t like guys.”
Jo was quiet for a moment. “So…you’ve done a
bunch of stuff? With girls?”
“No!” Daisy took a deep breath. She knew she
wasn’t ready to do more than make out with someone. The image of
herself going farther than that made her feel a little panicked, to
be honest. “I’ve only kissed Riva, but I’m not a prude.” That came
out sounding defensive. Daisy thought about explaining that she’d
watched a bunch of shows about lesbians, and she’d seen things—but
Jo had made fun of her for thinking kisses were like what gets
shown on TV. She closed her mouth and tried to make room for Jo to
continue her story.
“Well, okay. What I was going to say is lots
of things don’t feel that good or don’t work the way you want them
to. There’s stuff I heard about that’s supposed to be awesome, but
when I tried it, it was stupid. It’s just ridiculous sometimes. It
can be fun even when it sucks, though, sort of like when you go to
a restaurant and nothing is right, but you laugh the whole
time.”
Daisy grinned, remembering a few memorable
occasions she and Jo had shared. “Yeah, I think I get that.”
“So I’m not saying I felt bad because stuff
didn’t feel good. But there was something about this guy where I
wound up sort of forgetting to think about whether I wanted to do
stuff or not. It was like I stopped existing. And he never made me
do anything I
said
I didn’t want to do, but after I’d see
him, I’d think about what we did and not feel sure about whether
I’d wanted to do it. It was like he didn’t really care what I
thought, and I knew that, even if he never came out and said
it.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah. And even if it was something that felt
good physically, it didn’t feel good thinking about it, you know?”
Jo made a frustrated noise. “I’m not explaining this right. My mom
would just say I shouldn’t be doing any of this. Like I said, I’m
probably making a big thing out of nothing. I broke up with him.
I’m glad I did. That’s it.”
Daisy deliberately took a turn away from the
motel. She wanted to get to Riva, but she could tell Jo needed more
time to talk. Hopefully, a few minutes one way or the other
wouldn’t make a difference. “Yeah, it totally sounds good that you
broke up with him, but what’s going on now? I mean, I could tell
something was off.”
“I don’t know. I just don’t want to listen to
any of this stupid stuff about Benton. I don’t like thinking about
you feeling like I was feeling. Not even Riva should feel like
that.”
Daisy shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “You
really don’t like her.”
“I have no idea why you like her. All I’ve
seen her do is cause trouble. She’s not that pretty, either.”
Daisy’s cheeks heated. She’d critiqued the
looks of Jo’s boyfriends before, but she’d had no idea at the time
that she might have been hurting Jo. Because she didn’t like guys,
it had been an intellectual exercise to think about whether or not
they were attractive. Hearing Jo dismiss Riva’s appearance, on the
other hand, made a protective fire ignite in Daisy’s chest.
But this wasn’t the time to fight about that.
“Are you sure you’re okay, though? You’re making this sound so
casual. And…you’ve been crying all day about something.” Daisy
thought about what had been going on and gasped. “Declan’s not the
guy you’ve been talking about, is he?”
“No! Declan is really great. He’s awesome.”
Jo sighed. “He went on this long walk with me today and just
listened to me cry, and he was super nice about it.”
“So why were you crying?”
Jo sighed loudly. “Look, quit trying to make
this a therapy session, okay? Can we just pick up your girlfriend,
or whatever she is?”
Daisy flinched. The way Jo said
girlfriend
had an insulting tone. “I thought we were going
to tell each other the truth tonight.”
“We did.”
Jo’s fearsome tone made it impossible to
argue. She was obviously in a lot of pain—Daisy couldn’t even
imagine Jo crying in front of some guy, no matter how nice he
was—but Daisy didn’t know how to reach her anymore. She didn’t know
what to say even if she did. Daisy could claim she wasn’t a prude
all she wanted, but the truth was she had no idea what “stuff” Jo
was doing with this guy she’d been dating. Whatever it was, the
details would probably have made her blush and stammer and feel
like she was still in middle school.
Feeling guilty, knowing she shouldn’t let her
best friend get out of talking about something this serious, Daisy
steered the car back toward the motel and Riva.
* * * *
Riva had expected Benton to yell at her, and
she’d thought she was ready for that. In fact, Benton hadn’t raised
his voice. He’d let her into his room silently, and Riva had
breathed a sigh of relief, figuring they could talk this out. She
hoped that, together, they could solve problems that seemed
impossible when she tried to work them out on her own.
Benton, however, hadn’t answered her when
she’d tried to explain or apologize. He hadn’t spoken to her at
all.
“Do you want me to go?” Riva had whispered
finally, but Benton had only gone on giving her the silent
treatment.
Riva sat in a chair in the corner, curled up
next to a curtain that smelled of dust and faded cigarette smoke,
sobbing until she thought her ribs would crack. It didn’t even make
sense how much this hurt. She felt weird for the intensity of the
ache in her chest, and she periodically tried to get a reaction out
of him. She almost wished he would call her horrible names, or
maybe even slap her. Anything would have been better than feeling
so entirely shut out of the life of the first guy to win her love
and share so many new experiences.
She sort of knew she ought to leave and go
home, but she couldn’t do it. If she left this way, Riva couldn’t
see how things would ever get better. Even if she and Benton broke
up over what had happened tonight, she needed him to say that out
loud. She couldn’t just slink off to her bedroom and never even
know what he thought about what was going on. She couldn’t deal
with wondering if he’d broken up with her or was just really mad,
or with trying to guess how many days of not hearing from him meant
their relationship was definitely over.
Then there was the small matter of
transportation. There had been a decent bus system where Riva was
from in Jersey, but here in Florida, something totally different
was going on. She caught sight of a bus now and then, but if there
was a regular schedule, the bus only ran once or twice a day. The
stops were rare, and they weren’t located anywhere convenient.
She tried to think of how long it would take
her to walk home, but her feet still hurt from what she’d done to
them when she and Daisy were running away.
The truth was, she couldn’t get home without
a ride from someone. No way was she calling her mom, and she didn’t
think it was fair to call Daisy. That left no one she could think
of. She needed Benton to speak to her because she needed him to
take her home.
He’d come around eventually. She hoped.
Anxiously, she searched his face for any sign
that he felt the same turmoil she did. Benton, however, was pale
and smooth-faced as always. He seemed serene in a way Riva couldn’t
imagine achieving—and he was somehow doing it while she sat sobbing
only feet away from him.
“Benton…” She tried again.
He didn’t so much as blink in response. Riva
wanted to scream. She wondered what would happen if she went over
and grabbed him. Before she could make an attempt, though, someone
pounded on the motel door.
Benton’s eyes flicked toward her at that.
“You’d better not have done something to cause more trouble,” he
said. The menace in his voice chilled her more than anything else
that had happened that night. He stood and tossed Riva a box of
tissues from beside the bed. “You should try to calm down.”
Then he went to the door and opened it.
Riva didn’t know who she expected. Motel
management, disturbed by her endless crying? Daisy, blessedly
having refused to listen to Riva’s pleas to be left alone with her
boyfriend? Terrell, summoned by a psychic cousin connection?
Her mouth dropped open when Jo walked in.
“Who are you?” Benton demanded.