A harsh, disbelieving laugh puffed against
Daisy’s ear. “Yeah, okay. Good. I’ll look forward to that.” She
paused. “Thanks, Daisy. I, uh…I know it’s not easy. I should have
more sympathy for that.”
“No, I get why you don’t want to. I’ve been a
total coward, and you haven’t.”
“Maybe I’ve got my own ways of being a
coward.”
Daisy wasn’t sure what that meant, but before
she could ask for an explanation, Emmy hung up. Daisy sat in the
food court for an hour after that, her heart pounding in her chest,
trying to imagine what her life would be like if everyone at school
knew her secret. She watched people’s faces. Most people’s gazes
slid past her without really looking at her, but what if she walked
through the halls at school and discovered everything had changed
overnight? What if, instead of ignoring her or casting brief
flickers of envy in her direction, people stopped and stared?
* * * *
“Do you want to, like, sit down or
something?” Riva gestured toward the bed, then jerked her hand back
self-consciously.
God
. She hadn’t even brought anything up
with Daisy yet, and she was already totally freaked out about how
she would take every little thing.
Daisy stood awkwardly in the center of Riva’s
room. Her tall, athletic body made the space seem much smaller than
it normally did. Daisy seemed off in a way Riva couldn’t read. Her
eyes looked red, and her smile hadn’t come as easily as usual.
“You have a lot of electronics,” Daisy said,
taking a step toward the floor-to-ceiling shelves along one side of
Riva’s room.
“That’s what I do when I’m not at school or
hanging out with you.”
Daisy glanced quickly over her shoulder, her
eyes wide. Riva cringed inwardly. She’d just basically admitted she
had no life. But Daisy surprised her.
“That’s really cool,” she said. “You get how
this stuff works.”
“Sort of. I try to, anyway.”
“Wow.” Daisy approached a vintage NES system
and hefted the gray box experimentally.
“That still works,” Riva offered. “I can hook
it up to a monitor if you want to try it out.”
Daisy shrugged. “If you want. I just think
it’s awesome that you have all these skills.”
Riva couldn’t help laughing. It seemed absurd
for the gorgeous, confident Daisy to admire her for anything.
“
I’ve
got skills? You made the varsity team. That’s pretty
impressive. I bet if I came to one of your games, you’d blow my
mind.”
The skin on the bridge of Daisy’s nose
wrinkled, and she looked as if something pained her. Riva worried
she’d said something wrong.
“I mean, I’d only come to one of your games
if you wanted me to,” she said quickly, but then feared that wasn’t
the right thing either. “But if you did want me to, I’d be totally
happy to come. Whatever you want.”
Daisy settled onto the floor and sat
cross-legged, her back against the shelves, the NES cradled in her
lap. She made every movement so graceful. Riva felt as if she could
watch her for hours. Then the impact of that thought hit her and
her face heated. Was that another romantic feeling toward Daisy, or
had that come to mind because Benton had primed her for it?
She remembered making out with Benton in the
car while talking about Daisy, and got the sudden urge to hide her
face forever. They hadn’t made it to dinner at all, and she’d been
just as charged up as he had. What was the explanation for that?
She’d thought at the time that it was because Benton had been so
excited, but was there something about Daisy that had excited her,
too? Riva wanted to scream and run out of the room. If she’d
thought it would make things any clearer in her mind, she might
have gone ahead and done it.
“Why aren’t you with Benton?” Daisy asked.
“Isn’t he still in town?”
“Yeah, but he wanted to go to Orlando
tonight. Some of his friends from Emory are having a party there.”
She’d practiced the lie, and it rolled off her lips easily, but
Riva was pretty sure she’d just blushed even harder. The truth was,
Benton had decided to go to that party because Riva had said she
needed time alone with Daisy. He’d agreed readily, though he’d made
her promise she wouldn’t “get started without him.”
At the time, she’d slapped him playfully and
told him to get his mind out of the gutter. Now her mind seemed to
have gotten stuck there as well.
“Why didn’t you go with him?” Daisy cocked
her head to one side, emphasizing her long, elegant neck.
Riva wondered if Benton would appreciate
Daisy’s beauty as much as she did, then caught her breath at the
rage that flashed through her at the thought. If she’d felt jealous
about Benton being attracted to someone besides her, that would
have been a way more comfortable feeling. Riva was afraid, though,
that she was actually upset about the idea of
Daisy
being
appreciated by someone besides her.
What was going on?
She shrugged as casually as she could manage.
“I didn’t really want to go to a big party. I’d rather hang out
with you.”
“Really?” The way Daisy’s face brightened
made Riva’s stomach flip.
“Yeah.”
She sat on the floor, too, adjusting and
readjusting the position of her legs. She was sure she didn’t look
anywhere near as cool or comfortable as Daisy did. Riva wanted to
meet Daisy’s eyes, but suddenly found she couldn’t. When Benton had
first suggested she make out with a girl, she’d been sure that
wasn’t anything she would ever do of her own volition. She’d
approached Emmy because Emmy was the only girl she knew who made
out with other girls, not because she felt any particular
attraction toward her. That had been a stupid idea, but it had made
sense at the time. Whatever she was feeling about Daisy, though,
wasn’t making sense at all.
Riva would never have dreamed of kissing a
girl for herself—of “getting started” without Benton—but now she
couldn’t stop wondering what it would be like to lean forward and
kiss Daisy.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Daisy’s voice was a whisper.
Riva wanted to move closer to hear it better,
then felt embarrassed of that desire, too. “Looking at you like
what?” Riva asked. She tried to sound innocent, but her voice came
out all breath as well. She felt as if her chest were being
squeezed flat by an unseen force. Not only was she confused about
the insides of her own brain, her body felt like an unfriendly
thing, out of her own control.
“I don’t know. Like something.”
Benton had read so much on her face the night
before, and now Riva feared Daisy would do the same, laying bare
secrets she’d kept even from herself. She nodded toward the NES in
Daisy’s lap.
“Hand that to me. I’ll set it up.”
Daisy did as Riva asked. Their hands brushed
in the process.
That was normal, right?
That sort of thing
must have happened all the time when Riva was hanging out with
Casey, yet Riva had never noticed contact so particularly.
Riva used the need to fiddle with cords as an
excuse to hide her face. She tried to remember what the muscles of
her cheeks usually felt like. What position did they take in her
face customarily? She found the cords she needed, buried them under
other cords to buy herself time, then unearthed them again.
By the time she turned back to Daisy, she
thought
she had herself sorted out—but it all fell apart the
moment she met Daisy’s dark eyes. Her lashes were as long and
gorgeous as the rest of her. Asking Daisy for this favor was
hopeless. If Daisy wanted to do something like this, surely she
could find someone prettier than Riva to do it with. Jo Quang, for
example. Or just about anyone. Riva couldn’t imagine a person who
would refuse Daisy anything.
Then Riva remembered that Benton was really
good-looking. Most girls at her old school had thought he was the
hottest senior boy. She should probably show Daisy a picture of
him. How could she have forgotten about Benton? Daisy wasn’t gay
like Emmy. If she did agree to do this, it would be as a favor to a
friend, and Riva really didn’t mind offering to let her make out
with Benton, too, if she wanted. It was ridiculous for Riva to have
been thinking about whether Daisy would be attracted to her. That
wasn’t what this was about.
“You look like maybe there’s something you
want to say,” Daisy said.
Riva noticed that she was gripping her knees
hard, her knuckles ashy compared to the rest of her hands. Riva did
need to say something. She needed to ask for this favor, somehow.
Why was there so much tension in the room, though? Riva hadn’t felt
this nervous since the night Benton had asked her out. This wasn’t
the way it had been writing that note to Emmy, either. Being
nervous about rejection and humiliation was different from what she
was feeling now. It was almost as if the change in the air between
herself and Daisy would have happened whether or not Benton
existed.
Riva didn’t know what that meant, either.
“I need to ask you something,” Riva said. Her
voice cracked in the middle.
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever thought about kissing a
girl?”
A shadow crossed Daisy’s face. “Is this about
your boyfriend again? That thing he wants you to do for him?”
Riva shook her head. “No. I mean, sort of. I
never thought about it before he started talking about it, I don’t
think, but I’m not asking because of him.”
“Then why are you asking?”
Riva felt as if the distance between herself
and Daisy was either about to snap closed or gape open. No matter
which way it broke, a sudden change seemed imminent. “I don’t
know.” The words fell from her lips lightly, not false but not
entirely true either.
“You first, then,” Daisy said. “Tell me what
you think about it.”
The air felt too thick to draw into her
lungs. Riva pressed the power button of the NES, toggling it off
and on with frantic energy. “At first, I didn’t think I would want
to do it. If not for him, you know.”
Daisy shifted, coming up onto her knees, then
folding her lower legs under her body. She drummed her fingers
along one thigh. “You’ve changed your mind?”
“Sort of. Maybe. I don’t know.” This was all
wrong, Riva thought. Now she couldn’t ask Daisy to do this with her
without making it sound like she had a crush on her. The expectant
look on Daisy’s face made her want to complete the thought, though.
The words came out in a rush despite her better judgment. “I guess
I thought, at first, that it didn’t matter. A girl is a girl. I was
trying to think of girls who would do it, or girls Benton would
like.”
“And now?”
“Now I think I might want to do it more if I
like the girl.”
“Like her? Like how?”
“I don’t know,” Riva whispered. “It’s
confusing. I mean, I’m not a lesbian.”
Daisy’s throat moved. “Of course not.”
“Right. I’m not trying to say that. I just
think…if it was someone
I
like, I mean, for myself, not for
Benton…”
“Is there someone?” The wrinkle in Daisy’s
forehead was back.
Riva felt herself mirroring it, as if any
pain of Daisy’s also belonged to her. “This is getting weird,” Riva
whispered. “Maybe I should just turn on the game.”
“No, wait.” Daisy caught Riva’s hand.
Riva recalled the way they’d ended up holding
hands at the beach. She’d been the one to reach for Daisy then, and
Daisy hadn’t reciprocated until she’d seen how upset Riva was. What
did
that
mean? Why had she wanted to hold Daisy’s hand? Why
had Daisy put up with it?
“I’ve thought about kissing girls,” Daisy
said.
Riva thought she would elaborate, but she let
the statement fall as it was. Riva could practically see it lying
on the ground between them, offering some sort of forgiveness for
the favor she was about to ask. Daisy’s hand trembled against
Riva’s wrist, but her gaze was steady. Riva wished she had Daisy’s
guts. It would be so much better to talk about what she was feeling
without apologizing for it or trying to defend it.
She took a deep breath. “The thing Benton
wants?”
“Yeah?”
“I think I would like it if it was with you.”
Riva’s stomach lurched as she said that. If the carpet hadn’t been
pressing into her knees, she would have been sure she’d started
floating. She felt as if she’d just dived into a pool without
checking the depth of the water first. Her temples pounded.
“Because you think Benton would like me?”
For a second, Riva couldn’t make sense of the
question. Why was Daisy asking about Benton right now? Then Riva
remembered that neither she nor Daisy was supposed to be gay.
Whatever explained the weird feelings she’d been having lately,
Riva had a boyfriend, and Daisy wasn’t looking to start a romance
with a girl.
But if she was going to ask Daisy for this
favor, Riva owed her as much of the truth as she could stand to
give. “I don’t care if Benton likes you. He’d be an idiot not to. I
think anyone with half a brain would like you.”
Daisy’s fingers tightened on Riva’s wrist.
“You do?”
“Of course. You’re, like, the most beautiful
girl in school. And you’re awesome in general.” Riva ducked her
head.
Why did this keep going in the wrong direction?
“I’m
sorry. I’m not trying to, like, hit on you.” She grimaced. “I mean,
I guess maybe I kind of am. I’m saying…I’m trying to ask you…”
“You want to make out with me in front of
Benton.”
Riva coughed. “Right.” That was it. There was
no going back now that she’d admitted that.
“Because
you
like me.” Daisy tilted
her head so her hair hid her eyes, and Riva restrained the urge to
brush it aside so she could see her expression. “I mean, not as a
lesbian or whatever. But not because Benton wants you to do it. You
think you might want to do it if it was with me.”